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Old 02-05-2019, 09:51 PM   #4501
KatoKrazy
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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Also I think I have money in a pre-tax IRA but I don't even wanna think about that **** right now
There's definitely nothing wrong with just putting the money in a high yield savings account or a CD or whatever for 6 months to a year. It's just important to actually revisit at that point and get the money invested or inflation will ruin you.
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Old 02-06-2019, 10:24 PM   #4502
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Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I got a used 5 through gap wedge set of ping g700ís w/ graphite shafts and maaaaan these are nice. My 9 iron was carrying about 110 on range balls. They feel super easy to sweet spot and almost impossible to slice even on my super bad mi****s.

I think i easily gained 20 yards with these things. They are about a quarter or half inch longer than my old clubs and feel way lighter so itíll take a minute to adjust but even my bad shots were not that bad. I shouldve done this a month ago. Got them for $700 on sale.
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Old 02-21-2019, 02:06 AM   #4503
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Non golfing bump.
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Old 02-21-2019, 09:37 PM   #4504
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Meh nothing much to report. I am regressing a little. Work's been super crazy so mostly focusing all of my mental and emotional energy into it.

I have had this major deliverable for the last month. It is a very critical project probably for the future of our company. At first the requirements were simple - finished on time, in a week. Most of that work was done by me, due to team bandwidth issues and it was an easy task. I get the easy tasks and I'm more than ok with it. Then requirements keep changing. Keep coming. Keep changing again. The scope of the requested changes continues to be misunderstood by both my boss and the people changing the requirements. I have no control over this other than to continually voice my concerns and point out flaws in reasoning/expectations when I can. Constantly tell my boss things will take longer than he thinks they will. That's about all I can do.

Then my boss gets super stressed and busy with another assignment this week, my project has been lagging behind struggling to keep up with all of our other small things as well as this deliverable. So it kind of up to me to figure the next thing to do.

Btw the reason this wasn't done weeks ago was b/c some assclown I don't manage, that works for our sales guy, I guess he's like a sales engineer - has been a constant and total bottleneck as well as resource hog. I sneakily finished the process of removing him completely from this project this week. I'm just completely not interested in having him around critical work, he lies about his status and what he's been working on and what he delivers, from what I've seen, has been bad. **** that it's way too risky.

Anyway I got past that hurdle and bought this week for my team. For like two days we are blocked and inevitably I figure it out with a lot of help from a team member. Project's mostly done now and ready, just a little cleanup is left.

But I think I'm losing the respect of some team members, idk. Feel like I'm not totally carrying my weight and my value isn't really being demonstrated. Frequently I feel like I'm doing literally nothing at all and other people are getting (deserved) credit for all of the work.

I know I do do some things to move things along - get the right people talking and working with each other, shuffle around resources, keep track of the issues/problems and have a large picture in mind - I am doing these things well I think. I just don't think anyone sees what I am doing and often I feel they think the opposite, that I do nothing at all or bring nothing to the table.

So the only way I've ever been able to gain these people's respect is when I finish technical tasks. So I need to find one soon and demonstrate that I can hang because if the respect gets lost I'm totally and completely ****ed. Maybe a lot of it is in my head, probably. But even I myself feel like I'm not really contributing a whole lot and I really really want to.
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Old 02-21-2019, 09:44 PM   #4505
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

A lot of this is in my head and I've always struggled with perfectionism. If I don't get straight A's I feel like a failure. If I'm not top whatever in the world at some thing I care about I just feel like I suck.

Probably same thing going on here but I am most likely projecting this self-doubt onto everyone at work which really isn't good.
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Old 02-21-2019, 09:52 PM   #4506
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

everything my therapist has told me and i've read about feeling underqualified or like an impostor is to own your accomplishments so i'll say something nice about myself.

I think getting thrown into this position, with this company and kind of (frankly) dysfunctional environment, with no experience and little technical knowledge was a lot to ask of any person, even an exceptional one. My job, from the outset (and people in /programming can verify this) was an impossible one, and I have done the best I can do and have managed to accomplish SOME things while I've been there. I think anyone in my spot would need an enormous set of balls and a little courage to get where I have been. I think coping with my mental issues and putting them as much aside as I can at work has been a big feat. But I'm the only one that knows about that, and the people here. But I am proud of it.

I just know I can be better and I really want to be. Summoning the willpower to bear down and achieve my potential has been really hard to do. My brain hasn't been operating at 100% or even 75% lately and I blame the depressive spell. That's been frustrating too.
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Old 02-21-2019, 10:44 PM   #4507
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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I'm not going to message her, I just understand her a lot better now. I'm glad she's out of my life, and honestly she seems much happier with her new guy and is probably better off with me not in her life

I don't think breaking up with my girlfriend was an over reaction to anything, it wasn't going to work out.
Re: kate, like 2 years ago

idiot. you ****ing idiot. this is why i dont read old posts
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Old 02-22-2019, 03:32 AM   #4508
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I was wondering if the lack of updates here was Kate related.
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Old 02-22-2019, 06:09 AM   #4509
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Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

No shes gone
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Old 02-22-2019, 09:33 PM   #4510
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

going back and ended up randomly clicking on a page and landing on that whole saga. WOW. Things were really, really bad back then. I can't even believe I got through that. My current self would absolutely have withered if placed in that same situation.

Idk how embarassing it is to read now, but I'll link the spot I'm on, it's about a ~week into when the breakup started. And it was like a 8 month long one. Then so much stressful **** happened that next summer! JFC. Rereading it is like actually reliving it and I never want to relive that period of my life again, I don't think I can really reread this thread.

https://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/s...postcount=1028
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Old 02-23-2019, 05:07 PM   #4511
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I know you guys hate the golf posts but I almost had an unbelievable round today.

We started off on the back 9 because there were like literally 6 groups waiting to tee off on the front 9 at 9am. The back 9 usually kills me, all the par 3's are 160+ yards, which is about the max range for my 5 iron. 15,16,17 are short par 4's but have narrow fairways and 15 is completely guarded by bunkers and you have an elevated approach shot with nasty slopes all around the green. If you miss it's like automatic triple bogey+.

Anyway +22 is not an unusual score for me here. I always triple 15,16,17. Today though, I went 3 straight pars, 2 of which were gnarly scrambles where I was like 30-40 yards out. Then a quad, a triple, and then came the monster hole - 15. I had a decent tee shot (i didnt miss the fairway today!) but then a lost ball (which was bull**** because i saw exactly where it went but i couldnt find it) and doubled it. I bogeyed 16, which is good for me, and then birdied(!) 17 after I reached green in two shots, which I have never done. My first shot I kind of hit on the heel of my hybrid, but it went straight and low and about ~160, leaving me a 110 yard shot to the green that had to carry a bunker. I went with 7 iron and hit a high beautiful shot to about 10 feet. MADE THE ****ING PUTT

Spoiler:


I have never felt so awesome in my life. I can NEVER hit par 4's in less than 4 shots. my ball striking off the fairway was crisp - not long, but it got the job done. So unfortunately even though I was only +8 or something going into 18 I tripled it due to some whiffed pitch shots. Felt horrible.

Then I fell apart on the front and finished with what I did. Had some decent shots still - but mostly just not strikign the ball well, not pitching well, but the putting was still decent and that probably saved me. My misses were all within tap in range today.


I think I found my purpose.
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Old 02-23-2019, 05:14 PM   #4512
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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I know you guys hate the golf posts but I almost had an unbelievable round today.
This is how it sucks you in.
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Old 02-23-2019, 05:17 PM   #4513
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Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

It was still 100% the best round of my life. Ive never played that well and the best part was all the pieces werent even there - i just took advantage of my good shots when i could follow up with a good putt. And the par saves were all clutch and probably made me gain 4-6 strokes right there.

I knew i wasnt hitting the ball straight today so just played every shot as a push slice and i judged them mostly correctly and they went where i wanted. Thats a great feeling.
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Old 02-23-2019, 07:45 PM   #4514
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

That’s great. So much better than hitting hours of balls at the range, right?
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Old 02-24-2019, 12:06 PM   #4515
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Yeah and it feels like better practice because Iím working way more clubs that I do at the range, in more realistic situations

Round two today
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Old 03-03-2019, 10:38 AM   #4516
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

My knees are so ****ed up from last weekend, I can barely walk all week. i feel like an old man and i really hate it.

I think itís a combination of genetics and how i was a really hard sprinter for like 10 years of my life. Even on a young body, having a 4 second first base time has gotta thrash the knees. It started way back then and eventually forced me to quit when i was 16.

I just feel really old and iím only 30 and i hate it. I cant even do the things i want to do without hurting myself constantly.

I kinda got pissed at my therapist because she was like ďsee thatís your addictive personality, you do stuff until something breaks or it becomes unsustainableĒ

*****, youíre the one that told me i need to spend my weekends outside and with other people rather than indoors and drinking/gaming. Like wtf i cant win.

In times of these i think (NOT SERIOUSLY AT ALL) about death and suicide. These thoughts have been with me most of my life and i just ignore them nowadays.

The closest it ever came was the first night i spent in my dadís old bedroom the first few months after he died. I had a piece of rope and tied it around my neck and went into the closet to do it, but the closet was too small so i didnt.

I wonder sometimes if i really wouldve done it. Look how things have turned out since then, itís wild.
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Old 03-03-2019, 10:49 AM   #4517
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

This regression in the last 3 years has been really discouraging. I think the events from the last several years make me a hopelessly damaged person and I'm starting to feel like the ending I envisioned for this story is probably impossible because it's no longer compatible with the person I have become.

I used to love the idea of settling down, having a kid or two, a nice wife, a home. That's all I really wanted when I was younger. Now I still want that on some level but I know i'd be miserable. And when I'm miserable I hurt people, intentionally or unintentionally. I just KNOW I'd be miserable. I like spending most of my time alone. If I have a girlfriend I only want to see them at most every two weeks which is not really compatible for dating, so I have shifted into more long term casual every now and then hookups. But occasionally one of those will get a boyfriend or start getting too serious with me and I have to find another one. There's always prostitutes but I got over that.

I dont care about sex as much any more either. Like my drive feels nonexistent - probably sometime around summer it'll fire back up again. But man, right now - I really don't need it or care for it other than maybe once a month.

basically there's no way I could date right now, or even in the near future, much less even consider settling down. I think S saw this and that's why she bailed.
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Old 03-03-2019, 08:42 PM   #4518
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Kateís messaging me again, really stressed out it seems

Why does she only reach out to me when sheís feeling overwhelmed?
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Old 03-04-2019, 09:21 AM   #4519
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Because she's a ****.

Can't you just block her?
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Old 03-04-2019, 12:59 PM   #4520
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I could but I donít see the point and I donít really want to

One piece of good news is Iíve been off cigarettes for a week and Iím going off of vape today
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Old 03-04-2019, 01:20 PM   #4521
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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Old 03-04-2019, 10:05 PM   #4522
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

well i made it to 6pm without the vape. Barely thought about it all day - maybe twice. No cravings, no irritability. I got this **** beat. I feel it.

It's crazy how physically quitting cigarettes often just requires an intense 3-5 day effort and you're good to go, and yet it's so hard to get there. Staying quit for longer than a few years though- I need to figure that out. I think I'll be battling this most of my life. There is a weird, weird bonding in my head around cigarettes. there's nothing I have ever enjoyed more than smoking, I have so many fond memories of smoking with my dad and stuff. Of going for really nice walks late at night with a cigarette in hand, staring at the stars, after getting laid. Man that is great.

You see? That stuff is all psychological. It's insane how addictive this **** is. It'll actually bond pleasant memories that have NOTHING to do with the cigarette - to the process of smoking. From all smokers I've talked to about it, that's what I always hear. They miss the behavior patterns around smoking and associate the pleasant feeling from those behavior patterns with the cigarette itself.
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Old 03-05-2019, 02:15 AM   #4523
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I used to smoke between 30 and 40 cigarettes a day, quit the day I closed on my house (figured Iíd prob need the money), havenít took one puff since then, 8.5 years or so.

still 100% get cravings randomly, especially if I smell someone smoking a menthol cigarette. I just know if Iím out (or hell, even not) drinking and I bum one off someone, the next time I was drinking Iíd do the same thing and justify it as ďwell itís only when Iím drinking, plus I havenít bought any...Ē then a week later Iím going to use stress as a reason to go buy a packet and thatíd be the end of my non-smoking days.
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Old 03-06-2019, 09:58 PM   #4524
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

sometimes you guys tell me to stop talking to x girl like it's some sort of easy thing for a red blooded persian male to cut off contact with extremely attractive women. keep in mind i have dumped every single one except S and gotten rid of a lot of crazy in my life over the years.

speaking of that I was really baked in my bed last night and I had the weirdest fantasy - but it sounded so amazing i was getting chills just thinking about it. It still sounds SOOO appealing to me right now -

What if I just disappeared? What is actually stopping me from cutting contact with all relatives, the few friends i have down here, moving somewhere new, and just becoming a brand new person with a brand new life? I have too much baggage from my past laying around. I think about the past too much. Like I spend soooo much time hating certain individuals and when I compare where I'm going in life to where they are in life, I should just not even worry about it. Too much past in my life and I need to look forward.

as I was laying in bed last night I started to realize I have the means and ability to almost choose whatever life i want to live, within reason, and go live that life. it is so rare to have that choice. and here I am squandering it by living in this crapass place thinking about my crapass past with my crapass friends and crapass family.
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Old 03-06-2019, 10:06 PM   #4525
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

then i come back to earth and realize i couldnt pull that off because the guilt would probably drive me into full blown alcoholism and i die at 38
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