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Old 12-17-2018, 01:53 AM   #4201
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

For the last week i have been talking to kate fairly frequently.

The last few months sheís been lurking my snapchat. Then last week she had finals and reached out to me for help in her computer programming class. I helped as much as I could and she passed. But she said she also needed emotional support - i didnt really know what to do, but it was so nice talking to her again.

I think she still has feelings. Sheís said a few things that suggest so, like she told me she still repeats our inside jokes to herself all the time.

So she adds me on FB and i see all this cutesie **** with the guy sheís been dating since we broke up, the one she chose over me. But nothing really in the last year. But idk shes VERY much not available.

Then last night she is literally on a date w the guy and is snap chatting me telling me she wants to go see the holiday boat parade. I was like uhhh does that mean she wants to go with me? And i asked if she wanted to go and she said yes.

I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around this, it doesnt feel well and i am a little spooked because i feel absolutely powerless here. I know exactly whatís going to happen.

Maybe she bails on the hanging out, thatd feel ****ty but probably is best case scenario. It shouldnt really be a big secret from all ive written here that ive really, really missed her the last two years. I just didnt think this scenario would ever happen even in my wildest imaginings.

The boat parade thing is significant because it was our first kind of ďdateĒ and i know shes well aware of that. Like wtf is going on, i dont know what to do. If we hang out we will ****. She isnt leaving that guy. She goes back to school in berkeley in a few weeks. I dont see any good outcomes but like i said i feel completely powerless
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Old 12-17-2018, 01:55 AM   #4202
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Another scenario is she just misses me too and isnt looking to cheat. That’d feel kinda crappy too but maybe i could salvage some closure and tell her some of the **** thats been rattling around in my head for the last few years.

Last night i had a near panic attack and was trembling for a few hours after we spoke. I really didnt know the degree to which i repressed this stuff
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Old 12-17-2018, 02:40 AM   #4203
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

[/jmakin]
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Old 12-17-2018, 06:37 AM   #4204
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

J she's going to chew you up and spit you out.
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Old 12-17-2018, 11:23 AM   #4205
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

The woman is wild, a she-cat tamed by the purr of a jaguar.
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Old 12-17-2018, 12:05 PM   #4206
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I donít really see any good scenarios here, but what are her motives?? This is all really confusing to me. I really want to go but i dont want to face the prospect of spiraling into another depression.

She probably knows itís a bad idea too, if i care about her at all i should just leave it alone. But i really didnt like how things left off. If i can just salvage a friendship that would be nice
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Old 12-17-2018, 12:09 PM   #4207
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

You've got enough friends J. We're your friends. Even jalfrezi.
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Old 12-17-2018, 12:59 PM   #4208
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I know this is a lot different. She was really truly my best friend. I didnít know until she was really gone how hard it would be. And it just never really seem to get better.

I donít believe I was posting about it when it was happening, because I was too embarrassed, but we did get back together for six months the year after we broke up. I thought it was just a hook up thing but she wanted to leave her boyfriend. I didnít believe her, and if it came down to it I donít think she would have, because she would have lost all her friends. So the conclusion I came to was that we would have to separate entirely because if we were anywhere around each other this is kind of thing would keep happening. But it was really nasty when she left, because I had to threaten to blow up her relationship to get her to leave my old job, because she wasnít going to and it was becoming insufferable for me having to see her bring that guy around all the time.

If I had been more mentally stable and handled the situation better I think I could have salvage something. I think some of you probably remember that time. And I did try really hard but I was going through too much other loss to think about the situation and act like a normal human being. I was really horrible to her, even in the relationship. On some level I just want her to see that I have changed as a person-in a lot of ways not for good, but I am a calmer, more empathetic human being than I was three years ago for sure.
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Old 12-17-2018, 01:43 PM   #4209
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

You won't be calmer for long if you start seeing her again. This woman is BAD news. jfc
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Old 12-17-2018, 01:56 PM   #4210
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

well i'm losing all my feelings
and i'm running out of friends.
you know you lied to me in the beginning. baby,
and now you're gonna try to bring me. try to bring me to the end.

i need somebody, baby. i need somebody, too. i need somebody, baby.
just like you, just like you, just like you.

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Old 12-17-2018, 03:14 PM   #4211
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Quote:
Originally Posted by jalfrezi View Post
You won't be calmer for long if you start seeing her again. This woman is BAD news. jfc
i think it's well past the point of no return

i mean do i just not go?? I've been wondering for 2 frickin years how things could have played out better. I know it's way too late now and even the best outcomes don't really involve a happy ending for me (or her) but what can i do? I've seriously been thinking about this for years. It all came screaming back into my head the last several days.

I'm under no delusions she's gonna leave her boyfriend or whatever, I don't even want that, it'd just be nice to see her again, one time. She goes back to school in a few weeks anyway it's not like it'd continue after that.
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Old 12-17-2018, 03:15 PM   #4212
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I know 100% it's a bad, very very bad idea, but I literally do not think I am capable of passing it up. There's still a very good chance it doesnt happen anyway because she thinks better of it/changes her mind.
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Old 12-17-2018, 03:47 PM   #4213
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Yes, you do just not go. You show some self-control and use your brain not your heart to make important decisions.

You're not buying a cheap gift for someone or choosing a book; you're potentially, if the past is anything to go by, making a move that could jeopardise a lot of what you've worked on over a long time, especially improving your mental health.

Go and roll a number and knock one out instead.


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Old 12-17-2018, 04:39 PM   #4214
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

The decision point was at the point where I started talking to her, i feel itís too far now
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Old 12-17-2018, 05:47 PM   #4215
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Quote:
Originally Posted by jmakin View Post
The decision point was at the point where I started talking to her, i feel itís too far now
If she's not kidnapped and depending on you to deliver the ransom, then its not too far.
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Old 12-17-2018, 06:00 PM   #4216
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Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

J,

Youíre just rationalizing excuses to do something you want to do but know you shouldnít do. Itís completely easy to call it off. You just wouldnít get what you want then.
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Old 12-17-2018, 07:00 PM   #4217
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

So i call it off, be depressed for 6 months, wonder forever

Or

Go, maybe experience some closure, maybe it goes badly, maybe it doesnt

Be depressed for 6 months anyway
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Old 12-17-2018, 07:02 PM   #4218
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Thereís not much rationalizing here, I know itís a bad idea but i 100% dont think i could stop myself if i wanted

Thereís a very high chance it doesnt happen anyway. Like 50%. I also think Iím coming down with something so if that happens itís definitely not going to result in a meet up. Iím more rationalizing how bad the downside could be - I donít think I would be any worse off than my current scenario
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Old 12-17-2018, 07:03 PM   #4219
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

What I’m basically trying to say is I’m already well into the territory of bad outcome even if we don’t meet this week
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Old 12-17-2018, 07:08 PM   #4220
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Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

And this isnít some random ex, this is literally the person I wanted to spend the rest my life with. The person I almost had a kid with. I never felt that way about anyone, at least not seriously. I didnít even know the extent of how much I cared until it was really, really over.

Like this isnt melissa or S. It just canít even be compared
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Old 12-17-2018, 07:34 PM   #4221
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

So knowing something is 100% bad idea is not enough of a roadblock but some coughing and sneezing is. Got it.

If you really wanted to stop yourself just spend some time with some people exhibiting flu like symptoms.
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Old 12-17-2018, 07:35 PM   #4222
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Because i dont want to get her sick and iím pretty immobilized when i get a cold. I wouldnt force it if that happens.
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Old 12-17-2018, 07:43 PM   #4223
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

at this point I'm facing a spiral no matter what. I already have been fighting it for weeks. I can feel where my mind's going, especially this time of year. MAYBE if i don't see her this week I shorten it by a month or two and emerge from the haze in april like I normally do.

But like I said the decision point was at whether I should have talked to her or not. WHen I did it i didnt think the wheels would start up FULL SPEED like they were right after it happened. It went from 0 to 100 almost instantly. That's when I almost had my panic attack saturday night. I've been sleeping basically nonstop since then, took a half day at work today.

This is where I ALREADY AM, do you see it improving after I don't see her this week? Like really? We've already established a clear pattern of contact it's not just going to stop.
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Old 12-17-2018, 07:57 PM   #4224
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

You're already having panic attacks over some off handed invitation to watch some boats. Imagine how off the rails you'll become once she gives you a more personal proposal.

Of course you'll improve if you dont ever see her. You've been doing fine this whole time she was not in your life. You have had more career success, you're playing more golf, you're probably much better at Hearthstone.
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Old 12-17-2018, 09:26 PM   #4225
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Quote:
Originally Posted by amoeba View Post
You're already having panic attacks over some off handed invitation to watch some boats. Imagine how off the rails you'll become once she gives you a more personal proposal.

Of course you'll improve if you dont ever see her. You've been doing fine this whole time she was not in your life. You have had more career success, you're playing more golf, you're probably much better at Hearthstone.


Have i really been fine? Have you been reading the last 2 years? I know you have been

Personal proposal? The biggest risk here is that this is some casual fling shes seeking and she doesnt give a fk about me past some shallow friendship/cheating kind of thing. Which is what i suspect. What more personal proposal? Sheíd break things off w her guy? Never gonna happen.
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