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Old 11-23-2018, 03:33 AM   #4176
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

It's your log J, sorry it was probably inappropriate mentioning it. Ignore the idiots, although I do understand why you'd be reluctant to share some stuff. It's a pity because I really love this look into your life. You have been brutally honest at times and I think that is really brave and extremely interesting tbh.
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Old 11-23-2018, 04:32 AM   #4177
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

no it is fine. I appreciate the feedback and I am glad people care enough to read this blog. If you are feeling that way I am sure others are too. I use this to mostly blow off steam and I have a weird habit of never reading back on things I post, though I probably should.

here is an update on where I am at, some or a lot of this I may have mentioned before (like I said I don't read back on posts here) so I apologize if I am repeating myself.



My depression creeped back up on me for a few months following my fallout with S. I am still extremely bitter about how that turned out, but I understand why it did. So that is mostly gone now. I feel ok mentally, but a bit like I am losing control of everything. I know my job is doomed to failure but I knew that all along and have kind of accepted it and have resigned myself to dealing with the situation as best as I can, gleaning what I can from it, and moving on when the time becomes right. The time is not yet quite right but it probably will soon. I can eek out another year here if I wanted, probably. It's very much like the ferry job in that way - it's dead end and probably not good for me but it'll do for now. And what I make isn't amazing, but it's far above average and for what my expenses are, my disposable income is absolutely absurd. I buy whatever I want whenever I want and my bank account balance just constantly goes up. So I don't worry about these things anymore, but my bills have gotten a little out of control. There are a few lingering things I really need to take care of. I also am planning on what to do with the large chunk of cash I am getting in january.

Part of me just wants to take like, a year off and just travel or do whatever I want. But I have had enough time of that in the last few years. I want to get down to business now. ABP. There will be enough time for that later, hopefully.

I was (very briefly) a little stupid and reckless with Melissa and she got in my head for a split second but luckily quickly showed her colors. So that is done already, I knew it wouldnt last long. Nothing serious happened, just the way she was talking made it seem like she wanted more than a fling when she was in between boyfriends, but I smelled the bull**** immediately and just rode it out because I am very much in the same situation. I never seriously entertained the idea of being with her but it is nice having company sometimes.

So I have just been working, golfing, and playing video games. Seeing friends fairly frequently, for me. Drinking probably too much. Maybe a little depressed still but a lot better than this time of the year usually is for me.

I have kind of a big thing coming up. This girl I have been friends with for like 3 years on facebook that I have kept in casual contact with, asked out once or twice, has pretty forwardly asked me on a date. I asked her first to come out with me to amateur comedy night near my house, and she seemed really enthusiastic about it, but a little gunshy and has been dealing with this on again, off again thing with her ex. Huge red flag for me but honestly I've told her a lot about my stuff over the years so I get it and she's been really honest.

So, initially she wanted to bring her friend along. I said that's totally fine, I just would like some company and to finally meet her because I think we'd have a good time. But the last week or two, we somehow started talking about REALLY personal **** and she took a shine to me. So she tells me yesterday that her friend is sick but she'd still like to go and make a formal date out of it. I said yes, I'd really like that.

Problem is she lives 40 miles away up traffic for me, but idc. I am picking her up. The date is on Monday. I think she probably ends up staying here because that's how these things always go. But my place is not ready at all, so I need to do a lot of work tomorrow. I will do it, because I think this is worth a fair shot. My place will never be *good* but I can make it presentable by then. I know I have the time to prepare. And for this one I think I care enough to actually try.

Idk there's something about her I like. She's really, obviously damaged - but honest, nice, and the thing I really like is that we have the same weird sense of humor. I don't find that a lot in women. My humor ranges from the extremely corny, dad-type of humor, to extremely subtle and dark. But definitely skews more towards the "weird" side. And I can tell we totally have the same strange personality, whatever it is. So I'd just really like to meet her and see if we hit it off. If it's not a smash hit, I think there's a strong to extremely strong chance I get laid and she's pretty cute so that's not bad either.

I'm not super invested in it. I am just glad to finally get a date with her after 3 years of casual effort. But, I do have that same sense that she'd just cast me aside if something more convenient came along in the mean time. The distance is definitely a thing. But maybe if we really hit it off it wouldn't matter. Idk. I'm talking nonsense now, I really wantjust one thing with a girl to go well. I'm not looking for a serious girlfriend but it's not that often that I get a little excited about a meeting.

So after I said yes to the formal "date" she asked me if I was gonna get weird about it now that we were going on a date. I was like lol wut? no. I thought that's what this was gonna be anyway and didn't even know it needed to be formally defined. I didn't say it that way, but she is insecure and was probably just trying to gauge my interest level. I probably passed whatever test she was throwing at me, I hope, but I think she is still a little gunshy.

Maybe she is ****ing with me, it is possible. Small to medium size chance she bails but I'm not in any kind of mood for that ****.
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Old 11-23-2018, 04:40 AM   #4178
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Is a really, obviously damaged woman going to be good for you?
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Old 11-23-2018, 04:40 AM   #4179
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

The last several girls I've dated have been like solid 8's and 9's and this one is more like a cute girl next door type of 7, so that is different for me and takes some pressure off. She's also from more inland - where I live, everyone is rich and extremely shallow. I could lose 10 lbs and have a few million dollars more than I have. But where she lives i'm probably like a solid 9.5/10 LOL.
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Old 11-23-2018, 04:41 AM   #4180
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Quote:
Originally Posted by jalfrezi View Post
Is a really, obviously damaged woman going to be good for you?
I think I'm pretty impervious to damage at this point and basically a cold unfeeling husk so I feel the risk is very low. I've been through just about everything with girls and come out mostly unscathed - what's the worst that could happen? I have a bad date and feel ****ty about myself again and hit the massage parlor? I continue talking to kate? we date for a few brief months and it implodes on itself like a dying star once they get to know me?

Like honestly I've seen everything at this point. What really do I have to lose.
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Old 11-23-2018, 04:42 AM   #4181
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Sounds better than I envisaged but

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I think I'm pretty impervious to damage at this point and basically a cold unfeeling husk so I feel the risk is very low. I've been through just about everything with girls and come out mostly unscathed - what's the worst that could happen?
I don't believe I'm reading this. Plenty of bad **** with women has happened to you in the past and drove you to the edge.

You won't be a cold unfeeling husk once you get closer to someone. Make sure it's someone who, even if they turn out to be incompatible, isn't a headcase with the potential to really **** you up.
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Old 11-23-2018, 04:44 AM   #4182
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Also we need a new code name for this one because S is already taken. Maybe like um, inland girl?
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Old 11-23-2018, 04:46 AM   #4183
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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Originally Posted by jalfrezi View Post
Sounds better than I envisaged but



I don't believe I'm reading this. Plenty of bad **** with women has happened to you in the past and drove you to the edge.
yea so? what am I going to accomplish by sitting at home avoiding relationships. What am I going to accomplish by visiting massage parlors or hitting up exes that all couldnt give one slight **** about me?

I'm 30 and i'm out of shape and the dating pool is shrinking, I need something new and the risk here feels low. Everyone has predicted one girl or another would ruin me but ever since Kate I have dealt with all of these situations smoothly, quickly, and efficiently.
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Old 11-23-2018, 04:48 AM   #4184
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I added an explanation to my previous post that your reply was too quick to catch.
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Old 11-23-2018, 04:51 AM   #4185
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I'm not suggesting you become a monk or a recluse, but choose someone who's damaged in the right way ie not a ****ed up psycho. So for instance someone who's been badly hurt by family stuff in the past might be compatible with you if it's made them sensitive and empathetic, but if it's made them vengeful or callous avoid them like the plague.

Unfortunately you're probably going to get more exciting sex from the psychos but there's a price to pay for everything.
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Old 11-23-2018, 04:55 AM   #4186
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Anyway it's a welcome return to the jmakin we know and love after all those posts of good walks ruined.
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Old 11-23-2018, 04:55 AM   #4187
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Yea we talked a lot about past abuse and stuff. Idk how it came up. We have really similar backgrounds, down to dating people that **** us up.

Idk. I feel i have the most fair shot with someone like that rather than someone who is well functioning without any past trauma. Those types can never understand me and steer clear away. I know I come off as damaged, I can hide it for about a year but eventually it comes out.
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Old 11-23-2018, 04:57 AM   #4188
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

When I dated that one girl about over a year and a half ago she was very damage but nice, unfortunately her personality was too abrasive for me. But she was the exact type of person that would be a good match. I just didn’t like her
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Old 11-23-2018, 05:05 AM   #4189
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Yeah forget about hiding stuff. You can't have a good relationship with someone if important things are hidden full stop.

Fortunately(?) most people are ****ed up in some way these days, what with high divorce rates and relationship failures etc, so although you're right that the pool starts to shrink in your 30s most of the un****ed up attractive fish have probably paired up, leaving a pool majority of the ****ed up nicely and ****ed up horribly with a smattering of previously un****ed up but ****ed up by previous BF, which we agree is where you were always going to be fishing anyway because you need someone who has at least an inkling of what your problems are and some sensitivity in dealing with them.

So, relax and don't let that be something that stresses you out. The even better news for you is that male attraction actually increases in your 30s.
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Old 11-24-2018, 10:24 AM   #4190
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I like the golf posts.
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Old 11-24-2018, 11:51 AM   #4191
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Ok good because iím playing a full 18 in an hour

I went to the range last night and it was just pure hot ass. Dribbling grounders to the right like half the time. I am coming over the top again and not sure how.

Puttings a lot better, hopefully i gain some strokes there after what i think might be abysmal ball striking today
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Old 11-24-2018, 04:32 PM   #4192
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Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I shot 43 over lmao it was such hot garbage. Taking me 3-4 shots to reach the green on the front because i just could NOT hit the ball.

My putter got really hot and my pitch shots were beautiful on the back though. I did a bump and run from 20 yards on a par 3 and bounced it off the hill exactly where i wanted and got to 3 feet and saved par. I had one other par where i landed on the green and two putt.

A lot of scrambles, i think i had 3 up and downs. I was making almost everything inside 10 feet and several two putt bogey saves where my first putt from the fringe missed by like 8 feet and then i made the second. I only shot 18 over on the back with a quintuple and a quad. The putting saved me. I was on pace to be like +13 but the quintuple killed me.

Only hit two greens today :/ i gotta practice, i have never hit the ball that bad. I didnt think i was going to finish.

Last edited by jmakin; 11-24-2018 at 04:38 PM.
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Old 11-24-2018, 04:39 PM   #4193
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Overall im a little happy that were a ton of bogeys and the two pars this time. Last few times i wasnt even making bogey like ever. It was just a series of really, really brutally bad holes that racked up my score.
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Old 11-24-2018, 04:47 PM   #4194
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Even though the score was abysmal, there were a lot of moments that stand out to me as really solid and fun.

The first 6 holes I couldn't really hit the ball on my off the green shots but then I sort of found it after that. Favorite shots today were:

One I was in a literal drainage ditch on dirt, with a steep bank in front of me with thick brush and the green maybe 35 yards away with a bunker in front of it. I punted my pitching wedge over the embankment and off the top of the bunker and it stopped on the fringe.

Another shot I hit from a similar waste area with thick tree waste that might as well have been a bunker shot. And I had an embankment behind me so I couldn't really get a full path to the ball. So I decided to do a super steep shot and try to launch it out of there and got it on the fringe somehow and then 2 putt for bogey.

Another was out of a bunker with hard wet sand. I launched it off the lip onto the green and was able to knock it down.

Then there was that nice bump and run on one of the holes and a few much easier chip shots that I managed to get close-ish. I almost holed an easier one from 20 yards and it bumped the flag stick and skittered away, I had too much on it.

So I am happy about that. It helped me to try to envision where I wanted the ball to land and how I wanted it to arc and then picking the appropriate club, then taking a few practice swings and making sure Im brushing the ground and not to move my wrists at all. Overall they were all landing pretty much exactly where I wanted.

But god damn my ball striking was horrible on my irons. I was so horribly flustered, with several groups waiting behind us and just shank after shank. But I was proud I was able to turn it around mentally, I told myself the back 9 would be different, I took a cigarette break, had a beer, and decided that if I couldnt hit the ball well I'd just slice it onto fairways or within 20-30 yards of the greens and try to practice my pitching, and it worked and I felt really great on the back. The back is usually horrible for me too. So now I know I can recover from these errant shots I think I'll feel more relaxed on the tee.

I also beat my friend on 2 holes on the back and tied him on 1 other, lol. But he was shooting horrible. It definitely rattled him though - I knew I had beaten him on those ones (but i was like 30 over at that point vs his +7) and I wasn't going to say anything about it but he said it after the second one and kind of laughed.

Last edited by jmakin; 11-24-2018 at 05:04 PM.
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Old 11-28-2018, 08:18 PM   #4195
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I went on that date Monday. It went well, the drive in was kind of brutal but going back was pretty fast.

We went to a stand up comedy open mic at a small little bar near my house. She seemed nice, talks a little quietly and is a little bit quiet overall, which was hard for me because my hearing is bad - I guess I didn't hear a question she asked me but we sorted that out and I told her I'm a little hard of hearing from so many years working around loud engines.

So, we stayed til it closed, got kinda drunk, and went back to my house and hung out for a while. Had sex. Then in the morning I drove her home.

Overall it went pretty well but I'm not too sure what happens now, other than the fact she said we'd see each other again. She texted me once pretty soon after we parted ways but haven't had much conversation since then.

Felt like I did most of the talking during the drives, I hope I didn't blabber on too much. She was asking me a bunch of random questions that I felt like were tests but I wasn't too sure where she was going with them or what the result of my answers were.
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Old 12-01-2018, 04:52 PM   #4196
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Couldnt even hit the ball today... shot +39 somehow. Was topping everything off the tee, but all my rough shots out of some really bad lies were all super crisp. Idk how the **** that happens.

I wanted to do better than +40 so meh ill take it. I made a bunch of putts from 10+ feet and one really saucy 19-22 footer that saved bogey which easily couldve been a triple for me

I did hit a 3 wood on a par 4 about 200 dead center of the fairway so maybe I work on that club more. Time for a lesson though. I’m super frustrated.
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Old 12-03-2018, 04:00 PM   #4197
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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Felt like I did most of the talking during the drives, I hope I didn't blabber on too much. She was asking me a bunch of random questions that I felt like were tests but I wasn't too sure where she was going with them or what the result of my answers were.
There's nothing wrong with you carrying the conversation if that's what feels right. It sounds like you both had a good time and it'll likely happen again if you suggest a time and place.
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Old 12-03-2018, 04:05 PM   #4198
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Last night I was coming back from the desert and was gonna be in her area, so I took her out to dinner. She seemed a little quiet and nervous and then when I dropped her off she didnt invite me in - but within 5 mins texted me and said she wanted to but she froze. Probably my cue to turn around and go back but by that time I had committed in my mind to going home and I was really tired and gassy. So i just went home.

Idk i get a weird vibe like Iím maybe being played and she did just get out of a relationship not that long ago so I am not taking this seriously
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Old 12-05-2018, 12:29 PM   #4199
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I played 18 holes of night golf with my friend last night. Shot +36 which is 3 strokes better than I did the other day, plus I was kind of drunk and the course is poorly lit so I have a hard time hitting the ball i think.

On the back 9 we got two of those glowing light balls, which made it a lot more fun. Except you lose about 30-40 yards on your shots with them LOL. I hit a 3 wood into a 160 yard par 3.

I made a few insane pars. One, I flubbed the ball about 20 yards into rough and trees on a 140 yard par 3. Then I whacked an 8 iron to within 10 feet and parred it.

Another one was a little ridiculous, i went way short of the green with the first hole we played the glow ball on, so I has about a 20 yard uphill pitch that had to carry a bunker. I kinda manhandled it on, and had a 20 footer for par and made it LOL. Idk why but I just knew I was gonna par that hole and made it up in my mind I was, and then I did.

Off the green and on the green I was really solid. Ball striking is still not great but better than the other day.
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Old 12-07-2018, 10:51 PM   #4200
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I am sorry about the golf posts, there is a long bloggish rambling post coming soon. But I think it is a perfect vehicle to explore my personality.

I really believe golf is the absolute perfect game for me. I struggle so hard with being overly competitive, and angry in general at a lot of things. In golf if you are not able to control and channel anger you just play HORRIBLY. The game literally rewards you for being precise and in control of your mind and body 100% of the time. I am so bad at doing those things but my competitive drive is making me practice them. It's making me a little calmer and less serious in a weird way. It gets me outside and somewhat physical rather than vegging out playing video games all weekend. I'm outside in the sun. I get to hang out with my best friend. It's awesome.

My friend said I have a thing he would trade a lot of golf skills for and he said he was impressed with my ability to control my anger. He knows me well enough to know when I am absolutely enraged and there have been a few times like that, where I've gathered myself, and then shot a really good recovery shot. He said if I can hone in some other stuff I'll be really consistent. But I need lessons.
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