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Old 07-07-2018, 07:15 PM   #3876
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Idk man Ive only been here like 2 and a half months

Oh yea and S is cheating on me. Not the best week
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Old 07-07-2018, 07:59 PM   #3877
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Your work situation sounds really weird. No offense, but I'm baffled by why this company would hire someone straight out of college with no experience in the industry for this kind of role. I've been working in application development for nearly 20 years and most of the time when you get someone right out of school you're pretty happy if they're competent enough to follow instructions and complete a few basic programming tasks without ****ing things up too badly and slowing down the rest of team. I can't even fathom completely handing over management of an ambitious client-facing product to someone like that, offering little guidance, and expecting anything but disaster. Part of me thinks there must be some misunderstanding here. Or they're just ****ing with you.
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Old 07-07-2018, 08:14 PM   #3878
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

No - and that’s the type of response i’m saying is really getting on my nerves. There’s no misunderstanding here
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Old 07-07-2018, 08:15 PM   #3879
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Why do you think S is cheating on you?
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Old 07-07-2018, 08:18 PM   #3880
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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Originally Posted by Rexx14 View Post
Why do you think S is cheating on you?


Does it matter?

I dont know for sure and I’m not going to go about trying to be 100% certain. She’s acting like she is. She randomly ghosts me sometimes but this time was REALLY bad, during the holiday week, i finally told her she could contact me when she felt like whatever was going on had concluded, it’s been a few days no response.

If she’s not, well, ok. Something’s going on and I’m not going to try to figure it out, it just isnt worth the pain.

I mean she made like extensive 4th plans without inviting me, even explicitly saying I couldnt come. Then disappears on me for a few days. It’s super obvious.
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Old 07-07-2018, 10:16 PM   #3881
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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Does it matter?
The main reason I asked is sometimes if a person has been cheated on before, they can become a bit paranoid in future relationships. She could just be having a girls break. Idk you could be right, you're in the hot seat so to speak.
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Old 07-07-2018, 10:20 PM   #3882
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I mean, maybe, but i havent been wrong yet.

Shes finally talking to me, kinda, and is gaslighting me now, blaming me for “being upset” lol.

I asked her point blank if she wanted to be with me and she just said “not if you’re mad.”

Lol. Bye. Wait for the boomerang in 2-4 weeks whenever she realizes her new fling isnt gonna work out. **** you.
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Old 07-08-2018, 01:29 AM   #3883
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

It does sound pretty bad, even if she isn't cheating. A new relationship with someone less mixed up would be so good for you. All a girl like this does for you, apart from emptying your sack, is reinforce bad feelings about yourself.

Are you still going out socialising these days?
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Old 07-08-2018, 01:36 AM   #3884
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

When i do go out i get way too ****ed up, and i try to invite her out with me and she doesnt want any of it

She just called me finally super drunk wanting to come over. I said no. And she wants me to buy tickets for a baseball game tomorrow she wanted to go to for the last month - but she never bought the tickets. So she wants me to buy a hat for her and the tickets.

I was just like are you out of your ****ing mind? I dont even know what to do. Shes not very smart and has super low emotional intelligence and deals with most communication pretty poorly. Her story could check out but i’m pretty ****ing over this and i have so much to deal with at work i dont know if i want to deal with her **** anymore. I care about her a lot but it doesnt seem reciprocated at all
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Old 07-08-2018, 02:20 AM   #3885
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

...and she will use her feminine charms on you (when the penny finally drops that this isn't exactly the best time to ask you to buy stuff for her), you'll have a shag and feel valued again.

I was hoping you'd say you go out regularly with friends and there's often the possibility of meeting new people, but it seems a lot more self-destructive than that.

You seem very unhappy with this girl, and with good reason, and snapping out of this cycle without someone new in your life is going to be very hard for you to do, I think.

Are you still seeing your therapist? What does she say about this girls behaviour?
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Old 07-08-2018, 03:23 AM   #3886
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

She doesnt say a lot about it, because i think she doesnt like it, but doesnt want to interfere

She mostly tries to explain her behavior. She thinks that I really desperately need company and so does S so thats probably why we’re together. It makes sense because as soon as S finds someone else to hang out with it’s like i dont exist.
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Old 07-08-2018, 03:58 AM   #3887
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

That is probably also how the "other person" feels when S decides to spend time with you, if that's what's happening.

It's hard to tell from forum posts alone what impact this is having on you, so people here necessarily bring their own baggage into their comments. I was once involved In something similar before and looking back I wish I'd got out a hell of a lot sooner than I did, and it did affect my work a lot at the time as well as my general mood, which meant I was rarely in the right frame of mind to appeal to someone else. I don't know if that chimes with you.

In my case her behaviour over time became so obnoxious (incessant demanding, power grabbing and blatant lying) that things came to a head within about 6 to 9 months and I felt a line had been crossed that made it easier and necessary, even empowering, to bin her and her **** for good. Of course she had her good points too or I wouldn't have been attracted to her, but I think at some point it dawns on guys that things aren't ever gong to improve much and that she is really only messing you around for whatever psychologically unbalanced reasons she has, which are her problem and not yours.
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Old 07-09-2018, 07:18 PM   #3888
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I'm just going to try to give her as little room in my life as possible because i have too much else at stake.

The work situation is REALLY getting on my nerves. My team cannot come to a conclusion about how to implement this SIMPLE assignment I got this week - develop a test harness.

It's just a basic test harness that takes some parameters, runs some pre determined tests with those params. We don't even NEED the tests yet. Just the structure to configure our software and run SOMETHING on it.

The girl I work with is a massive ****. I'll ****ing say it. She hijacks the process at any opportunity, will be on her phone or be super dismissive during meetings. I'm not 100% sure she isn't trying to sabotage me.

I met with her and the rockstar dev after a meeting today, after a pretty snotty email exchange with her where I am nearly 1000000% sure I am right - and tried to get us to some sort of conclusion about what we need to do.

Basically she got the rockstar on her side and they thought the assignment is dumb and unncessary. I was just like well - that's what the product owner and the CTO want, so, tough ****, what can we do about it? And they just sort of sat there and shrugged.

Alright. I even told them - spit out what you're thinking, you aren't going to hurt my feelings - i got kind of a flaccid response but at least it was something.

I think I'm just going to write the ****ing thing myself and get the credit for it. I know that's ****ty management - I don't really care at this point. I need to gain respect somehow. And this NEEDS to get done.

It will come to a head eventually - and I'm going to lay down the law HARD.

One - I'm sick of how dismissive you are and how you seem intent to sabotage what little process we have here.

Two - Do not talk to me like I am an idiot, even though I have been here less time than you, and am naive to a lot of things, does not mean I deserve less respect than I give to you.

Three - This is a team effort, start acting like you're on one.

Four - my ass is on the line if **** doesn't get done. Not yours, but I am completely willing to throw you under the bus if need be, so be well aware of that.
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Old 07-09-2018, 07:42 PM   #3889
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

jmakin,

Giving her as little room in your life as possible means breaking up with her, just to clarify. Right?
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Old 07-09-2018, 07:51 PM   #3890
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

it could mean that but that's honestly like #3 on my list of priorities right now
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Old 07-09-2018, 08:25 PM   #3891
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

M,

What else could "give her as little room in my life as possible" possibly mean?
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Old 07-09-2018, 11:39 PM   #3892
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Quote:
Originally Posted by jmakin View Post
I'm just going to try to give her as little room in my life as possible because i have too much else at stake.

The work situation is REALLY getting on my nerves. My team cannot come to a conclusion about how to implement this SIMPLE assignment I got this week - develop a test harness.

It's just a basic test harness that takes some parameters, runs some pre determined tests with those params. We don't even NEED the tests yet. Just the structure to configure our software and run SOMETHING on it.

The girl I work with is a massive ****. I'll ****ing say it. She hijacks the process at any opportunity, will be on her phone or be super dismissive during meetings. I'm not 100% sure she isn't trying to sabotage me.

I met with her and the rockstar dev after a meeting today, after a pretty snotty email exchange with her where I am nearly 1000000% sure I am right - and tried to get us to some sort of conclusion about what we need to do.

Basically she got the rockstar on her side and they thought the assignment is dumb and unncessary. I was just like well - that's what the product owner and the CTO want, so, tough ****, what can we do about it? And they just sort of sat there and shrugged.

Alright. I even told them - spit out what you're thinking, you aren't going to hurt my feelings - i got kind of a flaccid response but at least it was something.

I think I'm just going to write the ****ing thing myself and get the credit for it. I know that's ****ty management - I don't really care at this point. I need to gain respect somehow. And this NEEDS to get done.

It will come to a head eventually - and I'm going to lay down the law HARD.

One - I'm sick of how dismissive you are and how you seem intent to sabotage what little process we have here.

Two - Do not talk to me like I am an idiot, even though I have been here less time than you, and am naive to a lot of things, does not mean I deserve less respect than I give to you.

Three - This is a team effort, start acting like you're on one.

Four - my ass is on the line if **** doesn't get done. Not yours, but I am completely willing to throw you under the bus if need be, so be well aware of that.
JM,

If they think that assignment is dumb, then it is rather completely uncool argument that the boss XYZ wants it, tough ****, what can we do about it. If you want respect you need to do not the things that your boss tells, but the things YOU truly believe are good and right things to do. And you will be much better able to pull people, when you do that. In ideal situation it will be the same thing, what you think is right and what your boss tells you.

Last edited by lapka; 07-10-2018 at 12:08 AM.
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Old 07-10-2018, 07:01 AM   #3893
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

It is the right thing to do
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Old 07-10-2018, 10:28 AM   #3894
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I ended things with S, she was telling me things last night that just didnt jive.

She has no feelings towards me really. Kept talking like she wanted it to end, but kept saying she didnt want it to be her fault. After this amount of time and energy i’ve put in, fine, she’s never gonna get there. No point in wasting my time. If she wants it to be “my fault” fine.

I dont think she’ll do better than me. I know i have a lot of problems. But i dont get what’s so damn unloveable about me that this happens over and over. I really tried very hard.
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Old 07-10-2018, 10:41 AM   #3895
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I'm sorry to hear that J.
You are not unlovable, you are choosing partners that can't love you(the way you need).

Lapkas advice is pretty spot on.
You gain respect by listening to people and actually implementing what they say. Listen to what they are saying and push back against the CTO or whoever.
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Old 07-10-2018, 11:02 AM   #3896
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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Listen to what they are saying and push back against the CTO or whoever.
This is horrible advice.
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Old 07-10-2018, 11:04 AM   #3897
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

They’re wrong anyway. I’m on the CTO‘s side. Plus I talk to my boss and he agreed as well
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Old 07-10-2018, 12:07 PM   #3898
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

A big part of my job is saying no , Not just blindly agreeing to whatever my team thinks. If that worked then they wouldn’t need me at all
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Old 07-10-2018, 01:07 PM   #3899
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Well done jmakin, hope it sticks. The main thing is not to beat yourself up over the failure of something that in hindsight would never have worked out long term, and just let it go.

Re. work. Your position is a tricky one to navigate when your team are so vocally opposed to the CTOs wishes. Really, this is on them for not being subtle and mature enough to make their views known without putting you in a difficult position.

They sound entitled and they need to understand that yes, you'll support them if you think they have a case, but if they don't have a leg to stand on then they have to toe the CTOs line. This is what they, and we all, get paid to do (hopefully they understand this and it shouldn't ever be necessary to remind them that if they repeatedly don't want to do what they're asked to do then they have other options). You should see this as a chance to mentor your team into a better (and less self-centered) way of thinking about things. It's 99% certain you're smarter than them and as the ex-skipper of a boat are able to draw on experience that they don't have, so they probably simply aren't thinking things through very well. Be aware also that as an outsider who's come straight in as their manager, you may meet with some resistance at first, and it's possible that one or two noses are slightly out of joint.

Keep your boss in the loop with any significant conversations (I'm sure you are anyway) - you are managing your relationship with your bosses as well as your relationship with your team. Don't become that **** who's only interested in pleasing his manager, or the **** who is a pushover for his team (I know you won't).

Last edited by jalfrezi; 07-10-2018 at 01:35 PM.
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Old 07-10-2018, 02:06 PM   #3900
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Then that is your argument. If you can add few sentences to why, then use that in the conversation with team. Don't use " the boss said that and we have to do what the boss tells." Not a single thinking person will accept that he/she has to do something she considers stupid only because the boss tells so. You have to convince them to be on your side.
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It is the right thing to do
I agree with dids. Don't be extra confrontational. Neither with your boss no with your team. Take the emotion out of it. Are you trying to bring your boss into conversation with team because you are not sure of your authority? And kinda trying to add the authority of your boss to yours. Don't. You are smart enough. And if you think that something is right I am pretty sure it is. Stand as yourself tall. And people will feel it and follow.

Last edited by lapka; 07-10-2018 at 02:17 PM.
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