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Old 06-27-2018, 09:07 AM   #3851
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

The meditation she has me do is an app called headspace. I've been through all the lessons a few times. I think it is mindfulness meditation.

Walks help me a lot but I can only do so much walking and my knee usually hurts pretty bad which is yet another drinking trigger. I should probably compile a list of all my triggers and try to be mindful of those when they're happening, maybe meditation can help with that. Idk. It just feels like I'm sitting there and my brain is bouncing off in a bazillion directions. It doesnt help either that I have an extraordinarily hard time sitting still for more than a few minutes at a time, at work I am constantly getting up and pacing around because I just can't handle sitting still.

I know the headspace app says it's ok for your mind to be bouncing around like that but it also says it should get better over time, and mine just doesn't.
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Old 06-27-2018, 09:21 AM   #3852
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Btw J, I really don't think anyone here is trying to insinuate you're a chronic alcoholic or anything. More that there are warning signs of problematic drinking. There's a big difference between the two.
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Old 06-27-2018, 11:42 AM   #3853
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Grunch (for real because soccer is on)

Re: meditation, it's not a matter of, when you're feeling anxious (or any strong emotion) you should meditate because meditation is calming and that will make you less anxious (or make any emotion less intense). Rather, when you meditate you learn how to relate to your thoughts and *emotions (and to the body sensations through which we experience our emotions) in certain ways that are different than what we usually do.*

These ways of relating to your thoughts, feelings and body sensations are very effective in managing anxiety (or any emotion) in your every day life (ie when you're not meditating). You can relate to your emotions in these ways whether or not you have ever meditated in your life--it's just going to be quicker to learn how to do this if you've spent time practicing it while you meditate, but meditation is not a prerequisite.*

It's like if you practice scales and technical exercises on piano, it's going to be a lot easier to *play actual pieces on piano, but you can be a decent piano player even if you never practice all of that technical stuff on its own.*
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Old 06-27-2018, 03:13 PM   #3854
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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I also don’t believe I’m an alcoholic, I know people who are and have been heavy addicts and I am absolutely nothing like them. My old roommate could not stop once he started. I am not like that at all. I think you are absolutely lumping me into the wrong group here and have preconceived notions about what’s actually going on.
Alcoholic is not a diagnostic classification. What people usually mean by alcoholic is an addiction to alcohol, measured by increased tolerance + withdrawal symptoms if you stop drinking. Not sure if you have withdrawal symptoms if you don't drink for a few days, but if not, you're not an "alcoholic."

The current diagnostic classification is Alcohol Use Disorder, coded as either mild, moderate or severe. Here's a quick screen for AUD

Quote:
In the past year, have you:
Had times when you ended up drinking more, or longer than you intended?

More than once wanted to cut down or stop drinking, or tried to, but couldn’t?

Spent a lot of time drinking? Or being sick or getting over the aftereffects?

Experienced craving — a strong need, or urge, to drink?

Found that drinking — or being sick from drinking — often interfered with taking care of your home or family? Or caused job troubles? Or school problems?

Continued to drink even though it was causing trouble with your family or friends?

Given up or cut back on activities that were important or interesting to you, or gave you pleasure, in order to drink?

More than once gotten into situations while or after drinking that increased your chances of getting hurt (such as driving, swimming, using machinery, walking in a dangerous area, or having unsafe sex)?

Continued to drink even though it was making you feel depressed or anxious or adding to another health problem? Or after having had a memory blackout?

Had to drink much more than you once did to get the effect you want? Or found that your usual number of drinks had much less effect than before?

Found that when the effects of alcohol were wearing off, you had withdrawal symptoms, such as trouble sleeping, shakiness, irritability, anxiety, depression, restlessness, nausea, or sweating? Or sensed things that were not there?
Yes to 2-3 is considered mild AUD; 4-5 moderate; and 6+ severe.

Rather than attend an AA meeting, you could just PM LFS with any questions or ask him to have a look at your blog. He says he's always happy to answer any questions in thread or by PM, and while an AA disciple, he is very non-preachy about it.
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Old 06-27-2018, 03:17 PM   #3855
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Almost none of those apply to me
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Old 06-27-2018, 03:29 PM   #3856
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Right, but 2-4 do.
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Old 06-27-2018, 03:43 PM   #3857
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

J,
Try guided meditation with another person. You know I'm grunching a bit and don't know what's going on with S at the moment, but maybe she would be willing to do it with you.
Have her rub your feet, ankles, calf's...all the way up, methodical like. Just focus on the sensation. Anytime you have a thought, push it away. No thinking, just focusing on the sensation of her touch at that moment.
Don't picture yourself anywhere or any of that stuff...just dont think. When you are finished, you will feel totally relaxed and anger/anxiety free.

I've tried the guided YouTube mediations that tell you to picture a door and walk ypou through this scene in your head....blah, agree it has no effect on anxiety and you just end up in a whirlwind of remembering crap and what not. Try the no thinking+sensation method.
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Old 06-27-2018, 05:09 PM   #3858
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

2 absolutely not, 3 definitely, 4 meh.
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Old 06-27-2018, 05:10 PM   #3859
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

But 3 could apply to anyone who’s ever suffered a hangover. And that’s pretty damn rare for me.
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Old 06-27-2018, 05:12 PM   #3860
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

And let it be very clear, I do not get sick if I stop drinking - we’re talking about ~20 drinks a week on average. It creeps up a lot higher around finals.
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Old 06-27-2018, 05:13 PM   #3861
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Like honestly greg most college students would fall under moderate under that diagnostic criteria.
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Old 06-27-2018, 08:53 PM   #3862
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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I'm not, and even then, some douchetards in /programming have given me quite a lot of flack for just the ****ing title
It's not an easy situation or feeling starting and being higher on the ladder than people much older than you with more life/work experience. Be humble J, admit you don't know jack **** (because you really don't), and let them be your teachers. Ask for their advice and feedback on everything and really listen and implement what they have to say into your work or project or whatever. You'll stop catching flack soon enough.

I think I read somewhere you don't think you can control anything to do with the projects. Wat!?! It's literally your job to control the projects as the project manager. Get a backbone, be assertive, say your opinion without regard to what people will think, step up dude...you should be controlling the situations/projects/meetings and be on top of things.
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Old 06-27-2018, 09:30 PM   #3863
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I'm so sorry to clog up your thread with multiple post.... trying to catch up.

I really don't like S for you. She isn't even attracted to you? How is the sex even good for then?
It's alright if she wants to you do things to improve yourself, but making it an ultimatum is unacceptable. Find someone that encourages you to be better, not demands it. And she doesn't like who you are as a person...**** that! She makes you smile so much your cheeks hurt, oh freaking well. Find someone that loves YOU and the thought of how much money you will have would never cross their mind. Find someone that can tell you what they like about you, it should be an instanious response without thought or hesitation like yours was to her. Uggh, I don't like her for you at all.
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Old 06-28-2018, 06:04 AM   #3864
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

mbabs providing mental health, career, and relationship advice itt
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Old 06-28-2018, 11:06 AM   #3865
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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mbabs providing mental health, career, and relationship advice itt
next she'll be telling you to quit the therapist, quit the meds, and write a novel to heal yourself!
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Old 06-28-2018, 01:40 PM   #3866
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

yea i definitely have a problem, last night was a cluster****. i dont want to get too much into it anymore, but i'll be working on it in therapy. I am confident I have the mental strength and resources to deal with this in a healthy way.

I always thought things would get easier after graduation but work right now is incredibly stressful and I got put in an almost impossible position, I guess I got myself into it but I need to make the best of it for the next ~year and maybe it'll get easier after that.
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Old 06-28-2018, 01:41 PM   #3867
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I mean i went from an $7/hour going-nowhere job to where I am now in less than 5 years. I can do this, i know i can.
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Old 06-28-2018, 01:44 PM   #3868
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Regarding S - she is amazing. Things are way better now, we opened a path of communication that has been great for both of us. I plan on spending a long time with her.

I realized a lot of the problem lied with me and how I was emotionally and physically unavailable to her a lot of the time for the last year. She stuck around despite having absolutely no reason to. She saw me at my absolute worst, my least attractive, and has decided she's in for the long haul. She's hot and makes me laugh and every time I'm around her I feel better for it.

At 30 years old, I honestly don't think I can shoot for better right now, even though the reality is we're probably not a precise match. I don't care, we'll make it work.
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Old 07-07-2018, 10:56 AM   #3869
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

man, things don't feel like they're going well right now.

I kinda gave up on trying to limit my drinking for right now. I'm keeping track of it and have been talking about it in therapy.

Work is ridiculous. I've posted about it a lot in /programming but I'm pretty much done because the level of skepticism and EXTREME NEGATIVITY is way too high for me from a few assholish posters. There are a lot of good people there with a lot of great advice but 1 or 2 morons that I just can't deal with.

My situation, in a few words, is practically unbelievable. I don't really blame the skepticism.

Here's the gist of it -

I am a project manager for a small startup with a few promising products that have delivered some good results vs major competitors, has investors, a few customers, a few partnerships with major companies, and has a little publicity from time to time.

I won't get into exactly what we do.

Anyway, we're launching a brand new product that's still very much in pre-alpha right now. It's very ambitious - in my mind, overly so - but it's gained some attention and has a lot of interested parties.

So, I am tasked with bringing this thing to production quality. That would be fine, except my boss (head of engineering) randomly took off overseas for the next month without telling anyone (the CTO didn't even know he was leaving).

He's only available sporadically via email. I thought it'd be fine, because the CEO was taking the helm to work as my boss's role, and I have been bringing the CTO into our meetings more (he's the main "innovator" and is known to push huge, 7000+ line commits over a weekend when he gets some crazy idea).

However, the CEO is not really technically savvy. He's a business person, and understands a lot of concepts, but on a technical level he can't really help me. The CTO could help, but I had a sit down with him to express my concerns with the state of the project and he told me point blank to my face "just have a vision, think of what needs to be done, and execute it."

My jaw almost dropped and I wanted to say "isnt that your job?"

In my mind, a project manager is mostly concerned with the execution part - scheduling and managing risk, getting input from the product owners (my CTO and CEO) who say what they want to have happen, and I make it happen. Well, they're leaving the decision making process mostly to me.

Ok, that's fine. I got input from my team and decided we need a strong testing infrastructure before we do ANYTHING further in development. But they tasked me with designing this infrastructure as well! I'm not only expected to manage and steer this project, they want me to do some dev ops stuff, some architectural stuff, and oh yea by the way if you have any time at all you need to design the tests we need to run on our harness as well.

WTF. I am a fresh grad with dubious technical skills. my boss even said that to me when I was hired. My understanding of the role that I was mostly going to be management and that's largely what I prepared myself to do for the first 2 months I was part time.

If it was one or the other I know i could do it. But both seems impossible and way above my paygrade. I'm up for the challenge but I'm so lost.

To make things worse I don't think I really have the respect of my team (not surprisingly). The guy I sit next to is a cranky old bastard who won't hesitate to tell me to my face that I don't know what I'm doing. But, he is the most technically competent of everyone (albeit a little lazy and not very thorough with ensuring the quality of his work) so I sought a lot of his advice when I delivered my pitch yesterday to the team as to where I thought we should go.

A girl I work with is just impossible and I get a strong sense she dislikes me. She's hot and cold though - some days emailing me multiple times a day just to chat or send memes, other times angrily walking over to my computer to chastise me for something that's usually her fault anyway.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty ****ty or like I did something wrong because she very obviously and publicly gathered the dev team for an off campus lunch outing and I got a very clear snub. Like, come on. Fine.

Either i'm disliked, did something to make her mad, or they see me in a management role now. The only other person to not get invited was the old guy who no one likes and 2 of the interns. Lol.

I can be the person no one likes at work, idgaf, I've been there before. I don't really care about being liked, I care about doing a good job. I'm not here to have fun, I'm here to grow and be successful and bring value to the company. But now, I'm definitely feeling like I am going to step it up and not let **** slide that I have been letting slide (my boss hinted to me a few weeks ago that I should not be afraid to "put my foot down" on things).

She hijacks the process constantly and tries to do my job often. She'll often make major decisions without the input of the team or myself. Her work is often shoddy and she goes "rogue" a lot and rams herself into other projects people were already working on because she won't communicate that she's working on them or what she's doing.

If I wasn't expected to develop, it'd be a lot easier to deal with her - but I'm also going to frequently need her help if I am expected to write actual production code. So I'm kind of in an impossible situation.

I am going to do my best and try to ride it out as long as i can - I don't think anyone's ever been fired here - but I don't want to fail or do a ****ty job. I don't think it's likely I'll ever be in this unique of a position ever again, or at least for a very long time, so I should try to make the most of it.

My plan right now is to try to bring my technical skills up to par as quickly as I possibly can. I'm working weekends and averaging 10-12 hours of work a day. I am working on being more efficient with my time so I can try to cut that down because honestly I'm paid well but not nearly well enough to be working like this.

Hopefully when my boss comes back it'll get better. An option is to just try to stall for a few weeks, because tbh I don't think this is really my fault - but I think I have a unique opportunity here. I just really don't feel I'm qualified or up to the task at all.

Oh yea, and this is just one of my projects. I have 1 other, and another sub-project for the interns I'm supposed to manage. It's just way too much. I sent a pretty long email to my boss explaining the situation in a tactful way and asked for advice.

Last edited by jmakin; 07-07-2018 at 11:04 AM.
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Old 07-07-2018, 11:44 AM   #3870
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

The only experience I've had with a project manager, and it was positive, she definitely did think part of her job was to be liked and have fun. I would guess that the CTO et al know that the regs know what to do and can pretty much get it done without much management. To me the project manager's position is to serve everyone else on the project, not to control it/them. Imo don't try to tell the cranky old bastards what to do, ask them what you can do and try to anticipate their needs.

Winning for you will be if the best producers on the team would ask for you to be project manager on the next project.
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Old 07-07-2018, 11:47 AM   #3871
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

No the regs cant get it done though
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Old 07-07-2018, 11:53 AM   #3872
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Also, it's possible they put you in this role mostly because they just don't know what to do with you yet. You're probably naturally more a producer than project manager. Don't be afraid to get off job description and help out on production if you can. Being useful is being useful and will be recognized if people there don't have their heads up their asses. imo.
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Old 07-07-2018, 11:53 AM   #3873
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Its like herding cats
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Old 07-07-2018, 11:57 AM   #3874
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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No the regs cant get it done though
If none of the regs can get it done you're probably all ****ed. If there are a couple who can, then lean on/cater to them.
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Old 07-07-2018, 12:03 PM   #3875
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Its like herding cats
That's the nature of it. They don't report to you. Right? They probably have other responsibilities, right? Things tend to get lost when a bunch of people have a mix of responsibilities. You're there to try to keep it moving along, but you have to keep in mind it is herding cats and everyone involved likely knows that.
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