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Old 08-18-2017, 02:34 AM   #2826
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

well I had an amazing stream today. Got top 500 legend from being rank 5 this morning (that's a looooong distance) and beat the absolute hell out of my favorite player/streamer/pro, dog:

here's a clip from his stream when I beat him:
https://clips.twitch.tv/SweetGeniusPepperDendiFace

"I got destroyed.. absolutely crushed."

this is the best day of hearthstone I've ever had. I had a good # of viewers during it too, too bad I didn't have a host to help it out. That would've been amazing. I wish I could always play like this.

I'm definitely seeing significant growth almost every day though, which is awesome.
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Old 08-19-2017, 01:03 AM   #2827
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I would definitely say that if stress is a big deal for you, be wary of math, although you seem to enjoy it more than me so take that into consideration. I've taken 8 cs classes by now, and with the exception of one (statistical machine learning) none of them came close to the amount of hours and stress that math classes have. And yeah your social life will definitely suffer lol. If you've been learning math on your own and enjoying it though, you could end up being one of those math majors that is just constantly enjoying solving the problems, those people don't seem to stress much and enjoy their studies more than most students I meet.

The math major is broadly useful though, and if you don't wanna go into software engineering (or whatever cs career) it could definitely be worth it to spend 1-2 years more now for the graduate options. In our math career fair there were companies from finance/data analysis/economic consulting/defense that said they usually prioritise math grads over people with finance/cs/economics majors. Being able to program on top of that is a huge advantage also.
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Old 08-19-2017, 02:44 AM   #2828
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Yea and math tests stress me out more than any other kind of test. I don't think I could handle it.

Today was a great day streaming. Didn't do as well as yesterday but I got a huge host from sjow again, 1100 viewers with 300 in my channel most of the day. picked up 100 followers and a few donations.

also I got another $100 donation from the 2p2 lurker the other day, pretty nuts. It's crazy all the positive feedback I'm getting from my channel. It's really helping my mental state a lot and I look forward to streaming every time I do it. This has been such a great thing.

i was worried my doctors wouldnt like it because they're trying to get me away from video games but they think this is a good thing if it gets me to socialize and open up my personality a little more. i'm very reserved and withdrawn in public, but when I am streaming I feel like I can be myself. I want to be more like that in real life.
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Old 08-22-2017, 12:13 AM   #2829
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Up to 5 subscribers now, nearly 300 followers. Pretty sick. A month ago I was at 30 followers.

Hearthstone is kind of starting to bore me so I'm a little worried about that. This latest expansion kind of sucks. but, streaming is fun and interacting with my viewers is really enjoyable. My psychiatrist surprisingly was very on board with my streaming, previously he wanted me to cut back on gaming. But my depression scores were much lower than the last time I visited him, and he asked what was different and I told him about my channel.

It's really crazy to me that there are people that like my personality and want to watch/pay me to do something I love to do. I don't know why that blows my mind so much - I guess the impression I had of myself IRL was that I was not very likeable or that people disliked me. So to see the feedback that I get in my channel, to see it grow, and to see the same people keep coming back and cheering me on while I do my thing has been really cool and good for my mind. It's helped me so much I think. I'm up to 5 paid subscribers, which doesn't sound like a lot, but just having 5 viewers a month ago was a feeling of success for me, so this blows my mind. I've made about ~400 bucks from donations, but 300 of that was from the lurker 2p2er (thank you btw, it's crazy generous).

In other news I started Zoloft the other day, which is a SSRI and is supposed to reduce my anxiety. Today I had my colonoscopy and endoscopy. They installed a device inside of me that monitors my PH levels for 48 hour and I'm supposed to press a button whenever I eat, lay down, or feel pain. The colonoscopy process was terrible but I got through it. I'm frequently told I'm too young for this kind of stuff and it really irritates me. You think I don't know I'm young for my second colonoscopy? **** off. I don't think it comes from a bad place, but it still is irritating to hear.
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Old 08-23-2017, 03:15 AM   #2830
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I just had a weird realization that everyone during the last 4-6 weeks at work (which is basically my only social circle) has been crazy nice to me. Even my boss who i usually have these weird passive aggressive clashes with has done a few favors for me since this ulcer thing.

I have this weird feeling it's because ive been kind of sick
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Old 08-28-2017, 10:46 AM   #2831
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

stream's rapidly growing. close to 400 followers now. I got to rank 126 legend on friday, which was cool. Last night I beat one of the best players in the world during my stream, which felt really good. I was in an unfavored matchup too. My channel is starting to get some trolls and had my first stream sniper the other day so that probably means I'm getting somewhere.

Anyway, been crushing it. On Thursday won a small hearthstone tournament and got some cool loot.

me at the tourney:


126 legend:



been a crazy week imo. I wanted top 100 but I fell all the way down to 1000. I think I can climb back up before the month's over. Only 3 days left in the season and I'm not sure if I'll hit legend next month so I want to make this count.
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Old 09-06-2017, 09:09 PM   #2832
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Interesting week. Been hanging out with a girl I met a few years ago, right after the kate breakup. She's a classic borderline and kind of a nasty person. I broke things off with her because kate got pregnant and I didnt feel it was right to continue to see the new girl while I was dealing with that. She wasn't very understanding to say the least.

Fast forward a few years later, we reconnected and I guess she's been having some gnarly health problems. She lost about 20 lbs and is pretty damn good looking right now. A little less crazy but it's still lingering.

I go over to her house the other night and we were hanging out with her younger cousins and smoking a bit. The cousins are ~19. One is cool but the other one was hyper aggressive towards me, calling me names and making fun of me half the time. I was fuming and looked for the first excuse to leave I could and did.

I told crazy girl that I didn't have a good time and I didn't want to go through that again. Earlier in the evening she also was telling me about an abortion she had and wanted to know about my experience w/ kate (she knew about it cuz i told her as it was happening) and how it all went down. I didn't really want to talk about it.

I told her afterwards that I thought she wanted to smoke and maybe hook up, not dive into super serious **** and get mocked all night. She still wants to hang out and seems pretty thirsty.

She's trouble, clearly. The thing is I don't have a lot going on socially and my therapist wants me to get out of the house. I told her about all of this today. She thinks its actually really good I experienced a nightmare social scenario and that I need to keep at it.

She keeps telling me things like I'm not like most people, I'm really smart and I need to be around my peers and the environments I am in it's just never going to happen. For me to be happy she thinks I need to be doing challenging work among people that are smart. But for now, I can practice my social skills in situations like this.

We talked about women and how I need to avoid any "entanglements" until I get better. She said girls my age are not looking for the right things but in a few years I will be in high demand because I am good looking, I am nice, and I have assets/little debt.

I just don't feel it right now. Then we were talking about how I was angry I didn't snap back at the douchebag girl and I felt like a wuss for not shutting her down. my therapist asked me what I would rather do and I told her I wanted to say something witty and embarrass her and get her to STFU but I felt like it would have triggered my temper and caused a scene.

So, my therapist wants me to stop censoring and restraining myself. She thinks i've subdued my personality so completely that all that's coming across to the outside world is a boring and quiet guy and I am anything but. She thinks I'm maybe extroverted and my severe social anxiety has made me an introvert for survival. She wants me to be that "smart ass" that I am afraid of showing to people for fear they'll think I'm an *******. Then she asked if I'd rather be thought of as boring or an ******* and I think I'd rather be an *******.

So here goes, watch out. I am amazed she told me to do this because it feels like I could go overboard and cause problems for myself but she said it's fine because she's there to give me feedback, I'm on meds, and I've got a pretty stable situation so the harm I could do to myself is minimal already.

So here we go, jmakin unchained, watch out world
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Old 09-06-2017, 09:10 PM   #2833
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Oh yea and after I told my therapist about the aggressive girl, she said "I think you are a person that misses cues from women all the time because you are clueless. I think it happens way more than you realize" and then told me for like the 5th time that her objective opinion is that I am an attractive person.
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Old 09-06-2017, 09:43 PM   #2834
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

The thing about being a smart ass is for it to work you need to cheerfully accept other people being a smart ass right back. And then you all laugh. Can you do that?
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Old 09-07-2017, 12:56 AM   #2835
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

If you hook up with the borderline girl, get her to make an account and start posting in OOT.
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Old 09-07-2017, 12:57 AM   #2836
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

But seriously, don't hook up with the borderline girl.
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Old 09-07-2017, 08:32 AM   #2837
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Quote:
Originally Posted by jmakin View Post
Interesting week. Been hanging out with a girl I met a few years ago, right after the kate breakup. She's a classic borderline and kind of a nasty person. I broke things off with her because kate got pregnant and I didnt feel it was right to continue to see the new girl while I was dealing with that. She wasn't very understanding to say the least.

Fast forward a few years later, we reconnected and I guess she's been having some gnarly health problems. She lost about 20 lbs and is pretty damn good looking right now. A little less crazy but it's still lingering.

I go over to her house the other night and we were hanging out with her younger cousins and smoking a bit. The cousins are ~19. One is cool but the other one was hyper aggressive towards me, calling me names and making fun of me half the time. I was fuming and looked for the first excuse to leave I could and did.

I told crazy girl that I didn't have a good time and I didn't want to go through that again. Earlier in the evening she also was telling me about an abortion she had and wanted to know about my experience w/ kate (she knew about it cuz i told her as it was happening) and how it all went down. I didn't really want to talk about it.

I told her afterwards that I thought she wanted to smoke and maybe hook up, not dive into super serious **** and get mocked all night. She still wants to hang out and seems pretty thirsty.

She's trouble, clearly. The thing is I don't have a lot going on socially and my therapist wants me to get out of the house. I told her about all of this today. She thinks its actually really good I experienced a nightmare social scenario and that I need to keep at it.

She keeps telling me things like I'm not like most people, I'm really smart and I need to be around my peers and the environments I am in it's just never going to happen. For me to be happy she thinks I need to be doing challenging work among people that are smart. But for now, I can practice my social skills in situations like this.

We talked about women and how I need to avoid any "entanglements" until I get better. She said girls my age are not looking for the right things but in a few years I will be in high demand because I am good looking, I am nice, and I have assets/little debt.

I just don't feel it right now. Then we were talking about how I was angry I didn't snap back at the douchebag girl and I felt like a wuss for not shutting her down. my therapist asked me what I would rather do and I told her I wanted to say something witty and embarrass her and get her to STFU but I felt like it would have triggered my temper and caused a scene.

So, my therapist wants me to stop censoring and restraining myself. She thinks i've subdued my personality so completely that all that's coming across to the outside world is a boring and quiet guy and I am anything but. She thinks I'm maybe extroverted and my severe social anxiety has made me an introvert for survival. She wants me to be that "smart ass" that I am afraid of showing to people for fear they'll think I'm an *******. Then she asked if I'd rather be thought of as boring or an ******* and I think I'd rather be an *******.

So here goes, watch out. I am amazed she told me to do this because it feels like I could go overboard and cause problems for myself but she said it's fine because she's there to give me feedback, I'm on meds, and I've got a pretty stable situation so the harm I could do to myself is minimal already.

So here we go, jmakin unchained, watch out world


I for one do not find you unrestrained. Of course, you may be totally different in the way you project IRL. I'll definitely be amused to hear anecdotes about you being funny-mean.
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Old 09-07-2017, 04:42 PM   #2838
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

This is looking good from the thread PoV.

I'd prefer you to hook up with douchegirl than psychobitch, and from the few words here I think she probably likes you but is socially inept. Young girls, like boys, are sometimes like this. Can we take a vote on it?
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Old 09-07-2017, 04:51 PM   #2839
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I also meant to say that your therapist sounds unusually well grounded in the real world.
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Old 09-08-2017, 01:18 AM   #2840
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Quote:
Originally Posted by jalfrezi View Post
This is looking good from the thread PoV.

I'd prefer you to hook up with douchegirl than psychobitch, and from the few words here I think she probably likes you but is socially inept. Young girls, like boys, are sometimes like this. Can we take a vote on it?
I vote therapist

Is she bangable?
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Old 09-09-2017, 10:24 AM   #2841
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Nail the douchegirl, her sister and then mother and let the therapist analyze that...
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Old 09-09-2017, 04:39 PM   #2842
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I went to another hangout with them and confirmed the douchegirl is DEFINITELY hitting on me. We were all drinking and she was being extremely flirtatious and laughing at every tiny thing I said, mixed in with the insults. I threw it back at her a little

BPD isnt looking for a hookup
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Old 09-14-2017, 07:40 PM   #2843
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I hooked up with bpd girl
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Old 09-14-2017, 09:20 PM   #2844
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

lol tell us something we don't know, that was a given
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Old 09-15-2017, 02:04 PM   #2845
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

She's one of the most attractive girls I've ever hooked up with, so it's hard. pun not intended.

thin, petite, tan surfer girl blond. pretty face, has some piercings. really sexy, just has issues of her own. and for whatever reason she's very attracted to me, and I'm clearly not really her type. I think she wants to date though.

I do like her in that way, it just wouldnt be a good idea.

Last edited by jmakin; 09-15-2017 at 02:10 PM.
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Old 09-15-2017, 02:09 PM   #2846
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

In other news my psychiatrist has been monitoring my depression "scores" from a 25 point survey he gives me every two weeks since july.

In july I was a 21/25, which indicated a severe depressive episode. Now I am at a 7, where 5 is considered normal. So that was really encouraging.

My anxiety scores are still really bad so both my psychiatrist and therapist are working with me on getting that down. I've never really dealt with my anxiety before and wasn't even aware of it until recently so it's difficult analyzing it in myself.
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Old 09-17-2017, 09:21 PM   #2847
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I'm so screwed. This chick is so hot
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Old 09-17-2017, 09:28 PM   #2848
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Let yourself go, pal, and just enjoy it for a while without worrying about consequences.
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Old 09-18-2017, 04:01 AM   #2849
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Just don't get her pregnant
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Old 09-18-2017, 07:41 PM   #2850
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

The problem is that i like her
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