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Old 06-27-2017, 03:52 PM   #2626
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

J,

Was the site made before or after Neil took his blogs down?
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Old 06-27-2017, 04:04 PM   #2627
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Sup apes, saw this mentioned in the hunchcap thread so I sent babs an email about 5 minutes ago asking him to take it down since everyone took his stuff down.

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Old 06-27-2017, 04:05 PM   #2628
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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J,

Was the site made before or after Neil took his blogs down?
It had to have been made way, way after everything. The 2p2 thread was closed in like Jan of 2016 and the blogs went down soon after. He made this in October/November likely when he was on a bender or on some manic episode.

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Sup apes, saw this mentioned in the hunchcap thread so I sent babs an email about 5 minutes ago asking him to take it down since everyone took his stuff down.

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He's not going to do it.
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Old 06-27-2017, 04:06 PM   #2629
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Yeah probably not but wanted to at least give it a shot.
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Old 06-29-2017, 12:44 PM   #2630
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Yesterday I told my therapist about the situation and I think it's very possible/likely she'll look it up and find this thread. Meh
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Old 06-29-2017, 12:54 PM   #2631
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I am still sober. I went to a baseball game last night, angels vs. dodgers, with a female coworker. It was a lot of fun but the dodgers lost in the most ridiculous way I have ever seen. Very dramatic, high energy game and I could tell she had a lot of fun. I'm glad because she doesn't seem like a type that gets out much.

I had an urge to drink a beer at the game but I just thought of the possible consequences and immediately was able to resist. That's the first time in nearly a week I've had that urge. Today the urge to smoke is very strong for some reason. Have not smoked since saturday, so I'm sure it will quickly pass.

My therapist thinks this is all related to stress and anxiety and wants to find ways to bring that down. She wants me to do things other than video games, and I get her argument, but video games are a passion for me. She believes it is an ancient coping mechanism for me that I picked up when I was a child, in the ****ty environment I was in, and that translated to adulthood and became part of my "bag of tricks" or something similar she said. She said no adult was ever in my life to teach me how to cope with things, so I adjusted and I think some of the ways I adjusted aren't healthy. I'm functioning but they aren't healthy. She said a session ago her goal is to "get me to graduate with jmakin still intact" or something like that.

She wants me to get like a little puzzle or toy I can play with when I'm anxious that will engage my mind. I kind of said something like "well... video games use the hands and it makes me think, that's why I like them, they are very relaxing to me."

she wants to get me away from that. Idk. I am open to trying other things and have been, like meditation, exercise, reading books. But I just love video games and I don't think it's going to change. She also mentioned that when I get back in school I should try to maybe look into getting a small prescription for xanax from my psychiatrist, who I meet with tomorrow. She also mentioned looking into CBD oil for my social anxiety rather than drinking.

I do get in ruts where I only play video games and ignore other activities/don't think to do other activities so I think she's trying to open my world a bit. She wants me to try cooking so I am going to make a hot crab dip today, because it sounded good. Going to try to go for a run as well. But - I definitely will play video games. It's my last days off for a while and then I have a brutal work stretch.

The not drinking is actually really good. It gives me so much time to do other things. I had no idea how many hours I was wasting doing that. And the caffeine played a huge part in the drinking - as I consume caffeine all day, I needed something at the end to bring me down, and alcohol did that. Without the caffeine, the urge to drink is a lot lower. My therapist pieced that together a while ago and I didn't realize it.

This ulcer is a big opportunity for me to make some big changes and I think in the long run it'll be really good for me.
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Old 07-02-2017, 07:21 PM   #2632
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I've been to two gatherings and didnt feel a need to drink. I have had a total of two iced teas since this all started. Caffeine intake is nearly 0, no cigs, no alcohol.

I'm so proud of myself, I never thought I could do this. I'm saving a ****load of money too, at least 100 bucks a week.

I'm really worried though. My symptoms arent improving as much as they should and I'm paranoid I have esophageal cancer. Seeing specialist wednesday. I need an upper endoscopy and a colonoscopy. I am fighting the feeling that my summer is completely ruined, but overall, I think this is a huge positive outcome if I stop drinking, smoking, and consuming copious amounts of caffeine (provided I dont have cancer, in which case, i'm going out with a bang). Can i keep it up during school? Idk.

I saw a psychiatrist as well and he thinks my relationship with alcohol isnt healthy so I'll need to work on that when I get better. We're gonna keep me sober and exercising and see if that improves my mental health at all. I've been running/walking a mile a day, taking it slow because I dont want to injure myself. Eating much better. Only had fast food once, but it was a salad.
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Old 07-03-2017, 08:41 AM   #2633
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog



I am too proud of you. Especially considering how hedgehog like response you gave about a year ago to a suggestion to quit alc. You made a huge step forward with this health scare.
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Old 07-03-2017, 05:10 PM   #2634
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I still don't think alcohol is affecting my depression. My drinking habits have been unchanged for years, and there were long periods without depression.

It's affecting my stomach health though so I am stopping for now.
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Old 07-05-2017, 12:07 AM   #2635
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Good job J
Quiting cigs, caffeine, and alcohol all at once....just wow!!!

I'm really interested in your sleep patterns without the caffeine. Can you elaborate on what the changes feel like. Do you think it is having a positive/negative impact on your depression/bipolar symptoms?

Are you just a casual smoker, or do you only smoke when you drink?
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Old 07-05-2017, 03:41 AM   #2636
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

It doesn't feel that different, I never had any problems falling asleep, just staying asleep. I guess I'm not waking up in the middle of the night as often. I don't know what kind of effect it's having on my symptoms.

When I smoke it's anywhere from 5-10 cigarettes a day. I had quit for 4 years and started again in january because I was smoking on my birthday, then bought a pack, and then was going to quit but found a pack on the boat and then it became a habit again. It's always more habit for me, I have never had a problem quitting. This time I got a few cravings but it's easy to say no when you think it's killing you.

Caffeine has been by far the hardest. I had a small starbucks refresher today and a few sips of an iced tea yesterday but I'm mostly off of it.
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Old 07-05-2017, 03:53 AM   #2637
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I know it's just paranoia but I'm really worried I have cancer. My symptoms aren't getting better and I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do. Seeing gastro doc again tomorrow.

Then today I started getting panicky when I was thinking about it. What if I do and I only have 1-2 years left to live? It depressed the **** out of me and scared me at the same time. All I've done, for nothing. I've been wasting my life with this weird idea that the work I'm doing now will pay off later, that i'll have nice things/women/hobbies/happiness when I'm a little older. And if for some reason I am dying, I don't think I'd even have anyone around me to help me or be with me. I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably die alone.

And I already am feeling my age creeping on me. What if i get too old to even do or enjoy any of those things I want to do (which I don't even know)? What if I do have cancer and I'm going to die? What if I get in a car wreck tomorrow? The way I've been living my life for the past ~4 years has been a complete waste of time. I don't even want to go back to school when I'm thinking like this. It seems like a huge waste of my life.

Today depressed me. This weekend depressed me. Everyone is out having fun, and I am working. Even if I wasn't working I couldn't even go out and have fun because of this stupid ****ing ulcer or whatever it is. I can't do ANYTHING. I had to turn down a free ****ing coffee today because I can't drink it. I can't go out to bars, I can't invite girls out for a drink. I can't eat the foods I like. What do I even do? Alcohol is such a big part of my social life and I only had this summer to enjoy before I go off and do whatever it is I'm going to do, and it's gone. I really doubt I'll be able to drink again before the end of summer. It's ****ing depressing and it's making me angry.

I don't need to drink to have a good time, but it is a considerable crutch for my social anxiety. I'm not awkward or shy, i just never feel like talking to people. alcohol greases the wheels of my personality. It helps me get laid. It makes me **** better. It smooths me out. Without that, I sort of feel like I'm just going to withdraw socially even more than I have been.

Last edited by jmakin; 07-05-2017 at 03:59 AM.
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Old 07-06-2017, 02:00 AM   #2638
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Gl with your health man, hope you feel back to normal soon.

I agree with others re: the job industry btw. I've been told by numerous people both in the industry and in uni (lecturers and tutors) that the number 1 thing you can do is contribute to open source, because employers want to know that you can work with others to create code. Even if you just have a blog where you create cool programs - don't tell me you can't think of anything, you have multiple languages under your belt and with a few hours of thought you could come up with something interesting. Plus your GPA is good. Your future career looks bright.

Not surprised your stats class scaled, when I did a similar class the final exam had an average of <40% and it got scaled huge. I feel like maybe the department does that to weed out the epic minds so they can put them on a fast track to research or something.

Oh and also you should be able to tutor with good uni math grades. I do. It can be frustrating but occasionally especially rewarding if you get a 17 year old kid learning calculus and you can explain the intuition well because you built it from the ground up at uni.
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Old 07-06-2017, 10:50 AM   #2639
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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I know it's just paranoia but I'm really worried I have cancer. My symptoms aren't getting better and I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do. Seeing gastro doc again tomorrow.

Then today I started getting panicky when I was thinking about it. What if I do and I only have 1-2 years left to live? It depressed the **** out of me and scared me at the same time. All I've done, for nothing. I've been wasting my life with this weird idea that the work I'm doing now will pay off later, that i'll have nice things/women/hobbies/happiness when I'm a little older. And if for some reason I am dying, I don't think I'd even have anyone around me to help me or be with me. I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably die alone.
JM,

first if you have cancer, what is very unprobable, you won't die alone. I am completely 100 % sure, that even on this board a bunch of people will drop by and hold your hand while you are dying and let you let all your angry and depressed out.

And about enjoying life later..... even if you will live to 100 y.o., you should do your best to enjoy life now. This idea "work I'm doing now will pay off later, that i'll have nice things/women/hobbies/happiness when I'm a little older" is inherently wrong, no matter what your situation is.

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And I already am feeling my age creeping on me. What if i get too old to even do or enjoy any of those things I want to do (which I don't even know)? What if I do have cancer and I'm going to die? What if I get in a car wreck tomorrow? The way I've been living my life for the past ~4 years has been a complete waste of time. I don't even want to go back to school when I'm thinking like this. It seems like a huge waste of my life.
I think that are really good questions to look for the answer. Everyone has its own answer to them and it also changes with time. You have to find yours and live your live according to this answers. One thing I know for sure, that to postpone your life for later will lead to HUGE, ENORMOUS regrets.

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Today depressed me. This weekend depressed me. Everyone is out having fun, and I am working. Even if I wasn't working I couldn't even go out and have fun because of this stupid ****ing ulcer or whatever it is. I can't do ANYTHING. I had to turn down a free ****ing coffee today because I can't drink it. I can't go out to bars, I can't invite girls out for a drink. I can't eat the foods I like. What do I even do? Alcohol is such a big part of my social life and I only had this summer to enjoy before I go off and do whatever it is I'm going to do, and it's gone. I really doubt I'll be able to drink again before the end of summer. It's ****ing depressing and it's making me angry.

I don't need to drink to have a good time, but it is a considerable crutch for my social anxiety. I'm not awkward or shy, i just never feel like talking to people. alcohol greases the wheels of my personality. It helps me get laid. It makes me **** better. It smooths me out. Without that, I sort of feel like I'm just going to withdraw socially even more than I have been.
Value your time more. Any situation you are going to enjoy only with alc is not worth your time. Can't you order an orange juice/water/tea in a bar? When was last time you got laid completely sober? May be you are gonna like it? Any girl you feel like talking too only when drunk is not worth your time. And alc doesn't make you better. It makes you less critical of other people. If you like that, you can work on it also in sober state.

I know that there are activities and things you enjoy sober. I know that solving certain math/programming problems gives you this flow, that you could dive into it and it is just cool and you don't even notice time. With people it is the same. There are some people with whom you will have the same kind of flow. It will just click without alc.

Anything else.... I never understood it. Why am I gonna stay at a party that I only find good when completely drunk? I just go away and invest my time in something that I like sober.
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Old 07-06-2017, 11:31 AM   #2640
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I get what you're saying but I actually cannot talk to people unless I'm inebriated. It really gets that bad sometimes. Sometimes I can, but it's really rare. Like I said it's not really an issue of shyness, it's just a weird anxiety. Anyone who has met me can attest that I am very personable and charming. I just never feel like being that way. I am often really short and quiet because it's just easier, and small conversation irritates me a lot.

Being less critical with alcohol is good. I am way too critical. Frequently in small conversation someone will say something really stupid and I just cannot continue anymore. You know what I mean - someone will say some thing they heard somewhere that I know is not true, or bring up a political view i find reprehensible, or just be boring in general. Alcohol helps me get past that.

Smokey, I am working on the tutoring thing. I think I can get in to research if I tried but I don't really know where to look. I just got an email from a professor for an internship tryout, but it's a python coding challenge and I don't really know python. I'm not sure that it's a take home assignment though, and they say you should be able to solve it within an hour.
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Old 07-06-2017, 11:35 AM   #2641
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I saw my gastro yesterday and he is the most effeminate, tiny gay asian male I have ever met in my life. I don't know why I found that so surprising or funny but I did. I like him, he's funny and nice.

What he wants to do in my endoscopy is install a device in my esophagus to monitor my acid levels; it might be medicated, I'm not sure. He said at this point he needs to figure out if I have an acid problem or something else. He just kept saying "..other things" and I said like what? And I could tell he specifically was trying not to say cancer, but a few other things it can be are just a general reflux issue, where my esophagus cannot remain closed to my stomach and food/bile works it way back up. So he said he can address that through surgery if that's the issue. The reason he's not sure if it's an acid issue or not is because I've been on the acid medication for 2 weeks and still am having breakthrough symptoms, and I guess this stuff is really powerful. He said it could also be my heart but i really doubt it.

He prescribed me some muscle relaxers which he said should help any spasms I'm having in my esophagus, and it should help with the not drinking as well. I'm to continue taking the acid meds until I can get in to his office to have the endoscopy. He wants to do a colonoscopy at the same time just to check and make sure I don't have ulcerative colitis. He thinks I was maybe misdiagnosed a while back.

the day before the procedure he wants me to do "all the things that irritate my stomach and cause symptoms" so I'm going to have a total blowout the night before and eat a jack's munchie meal with extra jalapenos and pound some beer. Maybe smoke a cigarette. I can't wait. and yea make all the jokes you want about a gay doctor sticking things up my butt.
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Old 07-06-2017, 09:29 PM   #2642
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

People care about you, jmakin.

Nothing wrong with working hard for a better life down the line, as long as we balance that with devoting resources to enjoying today.

No one is getting out of this alive, and no one knows when their ticket is getting punched. We can live the safest and healthiest lives ever, make all the right decisions, and still get killed by a drunk driver.

What we need to do is balance enjoying life today with planning for tomorrow. That's not always easy, and it's often tempting to focus too much on one at the expense of the other.
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Old 07-06-2017, 09:39 PM   #2643
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Thank you i appreciate it.

But it's hard to believe, i mean i cant even get a ride to this surgery. They say I'm not allowed to lyft. My sister can't do it, so i'll probably have to ask melissa or something ridiculous like that. This is really how isolated I am.
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Old 07-06-2017, 09:41 PM   #2644
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

OK
True Story:
Went in for a colonoscopy once and was pretty calm until I said "where should I put my pants" and the doctor said "just put them over there next to mine".
wtf
just unreal...
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Old 07-08-2017, 04:05 AM   #2645
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

hah
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Old 07-08-2017, 04:07 AM   #2646
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

kate thoughts are back, and the gay gastroenterologist put me on some very strong muscle relaxers. they're helping me relax a little and definitely improve my symptoms but overall I'm now miserable physically as well as mentally.

cougar is taking me to a really nice korean spa on thursday to help me feel better. i'm like 99% she wants to date me. it's the first time we'll go anywhere other than her house. a little uncomfortable with the precedent that might set but who knows.

i don't want to date anyone. i want to be with kate, and that's not going to happen. I talked to her briefly the other day by chance on twitch. it was very brief. i think it's clear there are no hard feelings on either side but for her sake i am leaving her alone. she's gained a lot of weight too, makes me feel better about my own weight gain.

i had to ghost a tinder girl because she was getting clingy and i wasn't attracted to her. felt bad about it, but i think it's pretty obvious from her side that my health has taken a turn for the worse so I sort of have an excuse for disappearing. I'm making it out worse than it really is I guess but I am pretty god damn miserable and they don't know what's wrong with me. it's a little scary. The heartburn is intermittent and random and less intense now but pretty uncomfortable.

my therapist has been on vacation for a week and doesn't come back until later this month so i've just been totally slacking and gaming nearly 24/7. it makes me feel better. I have been kind of pursuing this girl I like but I can tell she isn't interested. she's humoring me but I don't really know what to do next and pretty sure she just sees me as a friend so I'm moving on. maybe i should try harder but i never know what to do other than invite them over to my place but I need to stop doing that. it's only getting me slutty girls.

what do normal people do? go out and do lame **** like go to the fair, see movies? I took her whale watching. Do this a few times and you're dating or something? It's so confusing to me and it's something I've never really done. She doesn't really go out of her way to text me much so idk.

I'm really not clueless with women, but i am clueless with dating. I am not good at it and I hate it. I don't think I'm really in the right physical or mental state to be even trying it but I need to get my mind off things somehow.

Last edited by jmakin; 07-08-2017 at 04:13 AM.
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Old 07-08-2017, 07:48 AM   #2647
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

If deciding what to do doesn't come naturally then it's probably a physical-only relationship.
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Old 07-08-2017, 11:30 AM   #2648
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

The cougar doesn't want to date you.
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Old 07-08-2017, 02:27 PM   #2649
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

She said she "really felt a connection" with me
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Old 07-08-2017, 02:31 PM   #2650
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

She's mistaken the ticking of her biological clock for something else. Humans are 70% hormone, 30% brain until the menopause. /cynic
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