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Old 05-18-2017, 11:51 AM   #2526
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Oh my god, I got a 95 on the OS midterm i took last week. I felt ok about it but I guessed on a lot of questions. Raw score was 85, but I must have been near the top of the curve.

It wasnt that hard but a lot of people complained it was too long. I am a really fast exam taker and i barely finished. No one finished early.
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Old 05-18-2017, 06:08 PM   #2527
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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I just took a magnesium supplement and I feel amazing. I feel so relaxed, almost like I took a xanax.
i would like to purchase one of these, where did you buy yours and which kind did you get?
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Old 05-18-2017, 06:33 PM   #2528
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I just got the generic brand of the bottle labeled magnesium, in the supplement section of target. I picked up the cheapest one.

It's supposed to act like a muscle relaxer and I have to say, it wasn't placebo at all, it was quite relaxing
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Old 05-22-2017, 04:06 AM   #2529
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I like speed running a lot and the only game I can get good times in is mario bros.

hit a new PB tonight on my first run, 5:35 which would put me in the top ~200 scores:



super proud of it. I had a really sketchy run too. particularly 8-3, starting at 4:08.
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Old 05-24-2017, 02:38 PM   #2530
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Therapist today was kind of frustrating. Today she seemed to want to focus on how I've come this far. She kept saying things like "You have been through a lot and the cards have been stacked against you, both in your life circumstances and your mental health issues. You don't really have any support system or circle of friends. How have you gotten this far? How do you cope? What do you do for fun? Why do you keep going?" and questions like that.

and honestly I didn't know what to say. I just do it. I will myself to do it. Then she kept going back to how depression makes motivation hard and asked me if I have issues with that - and I say yea, but I just force myself to do things. If something has to get done I will do it. I don't know any other way to explain it.

She seemed kind of flabbergasted but I was at a loss really to explain. I think she was trying to get me to pinpoint what I've done in the past to get through hard times, but honestly I just drank through it and pushed on. I always push on. Then she wanted to know what I was pushing towards, and I didn't know that either.

I forget how we got on this track, but we talked about how i place extremely high standards on myself. "like two or three standard deviations above the mean" is what she thinks I expect out of myself. And I said yea, it's an issue, but I think it's what pushes me. I expect a ****load out of myself and I know I can do well so when I don't do so well it upsets me.

She wanted me to focus on what's average, and then compare myself to that, not this insane standard I've put on myself. I think there's merit to that. I don't want to be average though. We talked about how that probably goes back to how my mom would always berate me for the tiniest thing, if I got an A- I should have got an A, etc. But I think it's also just a really deep insecurity that I may not be very smart or very skilled or whatever. That insecurity drives me and I think tortures me at the same time.
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Old 05-24-2017, 02:40 PM   #2531
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I really want to talk about my current issues with confidence and with girls, but it hasn't come up. There's absolutely nothing going on in that field right now and I just don't have the confidence to pursue anything. I don't remember if I mentioned it, but my cougar got a boyfriend and the other girl I was sporatically seeing in the last year got pretty married up with some guy from europe. She wants to hang out still but I told her if we did we'd probably end up having sex and that wouldn't be a good idea for her. She still sorta wants to hang out, I can tell. Idk what to do about that. I have nothing at all going on so I want to, but I don't want to be that kind of guy anymore.
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Old 05-24-2017, 05:19 PM   #2532
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

J,

Tell your therapist the truth, that you do it all for your pals on 2p2!
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Old 05-25-2017, 05:11 PM   #2533
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Do you agree that you set insane standards for yourself? Based on these sorts of posts, you seem to set pretty reasonable standards for yourself, at least as far as school goes.
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I got an 86 on that huge midterm i was panicking about a few weeks ago. Mean was a d+ so i'm feeling pretty damn good about myself. A little annoyed because I was sure I aced it, but i'll take it. An A is within range! Haha i doubt it, another huge midterm wednesday that I don't feel prepared for at all. After that one, the quarter's basically over until finals. It is still possible I can get all A's. I can get above 3.0 this quarter! Not delusional enough to think i can maintain the 4.0, but 3.0+ is very feasible. I think without grade inflation I am probably a B to B+ student so if I can get that I'll be happy with myself.
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So I probably got a B or a high C, which I'd be really happy with
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Old 05-25-2017, 07:42 PM   #2534
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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Therapist today was kind of frustrating. Today she seemed to want to focus on how I've come this far. She kept saying things like "You have been through a lot and the cards have been stacked against you, both in your life circumstances and your mental health issues. You don't really have any support system or circle of friends. How have you gotten this far? How do you cope? What do you do for fun? Why do you keep going?" and questions like that.
.
I would be heavily annoyed by that. Does it help you, when you hear "Your life has been soooo hard....."?

I don't know .... For me I prefer to hear what my asperger friend tells, everytime I cry about my hard life in chat with him: " No one cares". That sounds harsh, but somehow I feel always a lot better after such words compared with "ooooo.... you are such a poor bunny"

And I don't think that you set to high standards for yourself. I think you are doing pretty good, and it would be just cool on top of that to get also satisfying love live and remove this insecurity issues. You put to much emotions into your standards. That you will regret one day. But otherwise, I think you are doing pretty good.

I stumbled upon some of your posts from 5 years ago.... And you grew in this time. You grew enormously as a person.
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Old 05-25-2017, 07:46 PM   #2535
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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Do you agree that you set insane standards for yourself? Based on these sorts of posts, you seem to set pretty reasonable standards for yourself, at least as far as school goes.
Well if the mean was a D+ and i got a B+ thats definitely a few sd's above

I think most of the time I do set high standards on myself and get upset when I don't meet them.

And thanks lapka I try not to read any posts I made 5+ years ago
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Old 05-25-2017, 07:50 PM   #2536
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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I would be heavily annoyed by that. Does it help you, when you hear "Your life has been soooo hard....."?

I don't know .... For me I prefer to hear what my asperger friend tells, everytime I cry about my hard life in chat with him: " No one cares". That sounds harsh, but somehow I feel always a lot better after such words compared with "ooooo.... you are such a poor bunny"

And I don't think that you set to high standards for yourself. I think you are doing pretty good, and it would be just cool on top of that to get also satisfying love live and remove this insecurity issues. You put to much emotions into your standards. That you will regret one day. But otherwise, I think you are doing pretty good.

I stumbled upon some of your posts from 5 years ago.... And you grew in this time. You grew enormously as a person.
I don't really think of my life as hard. I think my childhood was hard if you compare it to the average population. My adult life has been kind of difficult but overall I have it really easy.

I mean I'm going to be 29 years old with a degree in a good field (no experience though), with 6 figures in the bank and no idea what to do. My therapist said even without the money I'd be in an insanely enviable position. I know that. my problem is i don't know what to do and I don't really want to do anything with my life.

I look at all my peers, most of them have careers and families and stuff. I'm not even on square 1 with any of that. The closest I have come to having a family was with kate but that would've been a complete disaster. I can't maintain even a simple relationship and I think at this point there's a huge chance I end up alone and that bugs me a lot.

When I get the money, I am considering traveling abroad and living in some 2nd world ****hole for a while to gain perspective on things.
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Old 05-26-2017, 03:31 AM   #2537
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

holy **** I got a 96 on the math test. 95 and 96 on midterms. That's insane, I never do that well.

I am flabbergasted, I thought I did so poorly on the math test because all my answers looked weird/wrong. It wasn't curved either.
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Old 05-27-2017, 08:44 AM   #2538
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I think i'm having some type of mixed episode. I've been unable to sleep, i'm really ragey and tilty and oscillate between that and extreme sadness.

****in hell man. I'm not going on bipolar meds either, no ****ing way.
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Old 05-27-2017, 09:45 PM   #2539
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I think if i just embrace the ****tier parts of my personality, overall I do way better. When i always worry about coming off as an ******* or as a creep or whatever i just usually stay silent, but when I throw caution to the wind and be who i am, ****ty or not, i get better results overall.

Basically I think lately I've started to care what people think of me and it's having a negative effect on my personality
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Old 05-29-2017, 04:21 PM   #2540
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I asked a really cute girl that I work with to go grab some food after we worked together. We get along really well, have a lot of fun when we work together and I know her dad. I don't think there's anything there, I'm too old for her (she's 19) but she is really cute and nice and it took a lot of courage for me to even ask. I didn't expect her to say yea but she seemed really pleasantly surprised. It was nice and made me feel good.

That's the kind of thing I force myself to do because I know it helps me get past weird funks like this. If the outcome would have been bad, I guess it would have made me feel worse, but sometimes I get surprised. That's kind of how I ended up with kate, lol. Just took a wild shot and got lucky (or unlucky depending on how you look at it).
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Old 05-29-2017, 04:42 PM   #2541
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

J, I'm too lazy to go back one page and get the exact quote, but you said something about 51-50d at 18. What does that mean?
Went to a shrink about 20 years ago - he told me that my life basically ended at 15 when my brother died. He later told me he was going out of business - I think I was fired by my shrink!
You're 29, relax and enjoy life. Don't put so much pressure on yourself - send me $15...
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Old 05-30-2017, 05:32 PM   #2542
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

It means I was involuntarily put into custody out of concern for my well being. It's usually a 48 hour hold, but they released me after 3 because they didn't think I was actually supposed to be there. They gave me one bus token and a crappy map and I had to take the bus 20 miles back to my school without my eyeglasses (I had forgotten them that day) and I couldn't read the stops or street signs. I don't know how I made it back, took a few hours and I ended up in some really nasty parts of long beach late at night.

My current therapist thinks it was really poorly handled. I kind of disagree, I was a wreck back then and something was going to break eventually. It may have prevented something worse later on, and it did get me to drop all my classes, which ended up being a huge setback, but ultimately has been for the best. I like my current school and my studies way more than what I was doing there, and my grades were not good.

A lot of therapists are bad. I wish I could enjoy life, that's the problem. I should be and I am not. I have just about everything I could want and I am unhappy. My therapist has asked me a few times what I want out of life - I don't know, I kind of have everything I need. There's a lot out there I can experience still, I guess, but ultimately I feel like a beer, some good video games, a nice woman, and no responsibilities are what I want out of life, and I pretty much have that now.

My personal relationships and sex life could improve but those are sometimes quick fixes. I'm often unhappy even when I have those going for me. I was much happier when I was with Kate, but I wouldn't have ever called myself happy.
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Old 05-30-2017, 05:35 PM   #2543
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I haven't drank in 4 days and that's probably the longest I've gone in years. I think I'm sleeping better and my memory/recall has improved significantly. Maybe I was just really low on restful sleep.
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Old 05-30-2017, 06:51 PM   #2544
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I feel like you need to try to change your default state. If things are going well and it's hard to imagine a huge improvement, it's probably better to work towards being satisfied with that state, rather than finding that improvement.

I don't have a universal way to do that, but my internal quality-of-life estimate improved a lot when I realised that what I wanted from life was to be interested in what I was doing. I only compressed that feeling into this phrasing ten years later, but the day I realised that I didn't get into irrevocable trouble by staying at home, aged 17, playing games, was a great day for me. Perhaps your maths interest contains a similar idea?

On the idea of 'a lot of therapists are bad' - it's safe to say that a lot of people in every realm are bad. We're just people.
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Old 05-31-2017, 01:37 PM   #2545
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

That's a good outlook. I know that intellectually, it's just not what I am experiencing.

Therapist recap today:

I like her a lot. She's kind of abrasive, but I think our personalities mesh well. I think it was a good idea for me this time to pick a woman therapist. She actually wants me to do things and gives me assessments and assignments. The other one pretty much just sat there while I talked and occasionally gave feedback. This is a lot better.

Today towards the end of our session she told me that after 4 sessions she thinks she is getting a clearer picture of me and her assessment is that had I was stifled intellectually and socially as a child, that I was forced to develop on my own, and even though I've done a pretty good job so far that I am really lacking in a lot of these areas, even intellectually. She thinks that had I been given proper support as a kid that I could have gone to MIT at 16 or something. I think that's a bit much but she wants me to try to stop underestimating myself so I can go on to do more things. She wants to develop me a bit and since we have a year before I graduate there's time to do that before I break out into the world, so that's what she said she's going to work on with me. She said it might be a little uncomfortable but I don't really care that much about that.

It's not really at all taking the direction I expected but I think it's good. This week's assignment is to get a library card and check out some periodicals or science magazines, anything I'd be interested in. She wants to get my intellectual curiosity back in full swing because she thinks the reason I'm miserable at school is because I'm bored. I would agree with that.

She also wants me to sign up for a cooking class and to look at connecting with professors for possible research opportunities. I think all of that is really unrealistic but I can definitely do the library card, the cooking class is a maybe. I don't talk to professors so I don't know where I'd begin there but I can try.

It is both comforting and frustrating that she thinks I'm really smart, because she barely knows me and I have a hard time sometimes believing that about myself.
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Old 05-31-2017, 06:18 PM   #2546
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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I like speed running a lot and the only game I can get good times in is mario bros.

hit a new PB tonight on my first run, 5:35 which would put me in the top ~200 scores:



super proud of it. I had a really sketchy run too. particularly 8-3, starting at 4:08.
That was ****ing INCREDIBLE. God, how you made it through 8-3! I've played A LOT of Mario in my day but never that fast and I always thought I was super fast. Holy crap. Yes my heart was racing.
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Old 05-31-2017, 08:29 PM   #2547
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Haha thank you. I had a slow first few stages, i can easily save about 12-15 seconds off that run. I've had a few near 5:20's but bowser always gets me at the end. To go beyond that I need to practice a few tricky jumps.

It's a really great game to get into speedrunning with because it's only a few levels to learn and the first 4 are pretty easy. Learning pipe glitch on 4-2 is my most recent hurdle.
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Old 06-01-2017, 06:41 PM   #2548
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Last night I went to the library and got a library card. Wasn't really feeling any of the magazines they had, so I went to the math section. Was a bit disappointing, there were textbooks that only really went up to introductory calculus. However, there were some interesting math history books. I checked out a small-ish book called "Fermat's Enigma" which chronicles the ~700 year history of Fermat's last theorem and the saga that unfolded to finally solve it. It's written for the layman, but if you want more advanced stuff it has appendices to more formally describe some of the math involved. I'm already a quarter of the way done.

Then I got Nate Silver's book, The Signal and the Noise. Look forward to reading that one, and seems somewhat relevant because I'm taking statistics.

So not really what my therapist wanted me to check out but I think it does the job.

The library is so cool. I had never been in one. My heart started racing when I was going through the non-fiction.
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Old 06-01-2017, 06:50 PM   #2549
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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The library is so cool. I had never been in one.
I find that quite stunning. All your self-learning has been on the internet?
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Old 06-01-2017, 06:59 PM   #2550
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

"The library is so cool. I had never been in one. My heart started racing when I was going through the non-fiction"

This made me lol

How did you manage to avoid libraries? You are only a couple of years younger than me and I had to do research papers and frequent the library throughout grade school. (Maybe my school was too poor to pay for internet)
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