So, I always envisioned myself getting an Health & Fitness log. The goals I seek, I told myself, are related to getting slimmer, more muscular, and more attractive to the ladies. Achieving those goals, surely, I told myself, will lead to attracting more attractive ladies, which, surely, I told myself, will lead to a more happy Fabian. Well, maybe.

For quite a long time, I've been struggling to find a balance in my life, when it comes to all things related to body image, to my self worth (as derived from societal norms and pressures), to feeling motivated in accomplishing things, and to feeling motivated to not just sit in my computer chair and feeling "lazy" day in and day out. This last part, I'm sorry to say, has had a huge influence on my life, leading to (short version) a feeling of inadequacy and of feeling useless/lazy. Without getting into a whole story of why this might be the case, I would prefer to just accept my situation as is, and to start blogging using these above assumptions.

This brings me to my current situation. In March of this year, I was accepted to a Masters Program in Finance at (literally) the "best" school in Sweden, and indeed in northern Europe. I certainly don't want to brag about how difficult it is to get accepted here, but I do want to emphasize the challenges I've felt since; I've felt overwhelmed both in terms of what's expected of me in terms of internship applications, in terms of what's needed (or expected) to survive this program, and in terms of what I need to "figure out" once (if) I finish this program; what I want to actually work with.

All these things have had a tendency to make me feel overwhelmed thus far (~6 weeks in), and every day I'm fearing that I will feel that it will be "too much". All my classmates are these 22-25 year old super bright super ambitious people with their lives already planned; meanwhile I'm 31 years old without any relevant work experience (thanks to poker), feeling super old and super out of touch.

All the above being said, I'm not sure what I'm hoping I'll get out of this log. Ideally, I would keep updating it reguarly, and it would be a tool in helping me realize what exactly I would need to do in order to get my "dream job" and my "dream life", which I'm not at all sure what it entails, exactly.

Other than that, I'm hoping to use this blog as a measure in keeping myself sane, and to have a way of writing insane crazy **** without real life repercussions. I feel there's a very real chance of me ignoring this log for weeks, or months, on end, but hopefully I will find myself back to it.

Thanks for reading and for responding. I appreciate feedback and thoughts very very much. Thanks.

Hey stalkee

How very nice and considerate of you to blog here so I don't have to find you in other threads! Very convenient. This is going to be a shortish post as I have a footy grand final about to start but I will be back! I think you possibly are selling yourself short somewhat in this blog considering yourself lazy when you have made it into a Masters Program in Finance in the top school in Sweden! Congrats btw that is a really huge accomplishment and you should absolutely feel proud of this achievement.

Having issues with motivation and negative self worth are common and are pretty important areas in your life to work on if you want to achieve more, feel better and generally just be more content. I think that working on your body through diet and exercise is important for your health and well-being. Having said that I do think that in some ways people can get caught up in trying to have the best body and still have major problems with their self worth. I think it really comes from the inside and whilst there are things you can do superficially to help you need to work out why you feel this way. Poker I think can deflate how someone feels about themselves just due to the fact it is not readily accepted as a reasonable or reputable source of income by some people and often a job is how people identify themselves. I mean the first thing you get asked generally is "What do you do?"

Some people might think it's ridiculous but affirmations have really been helping me to get myself in a better place and a gratitude journal. I think goal setting is probably another area you should look at and try and work out where you want to be in a certain period. Break it down into short and long term goals and then do a daily list that addresses these goals so you will feel a sense of accomplishment working towards different things. Keep the goals visible. Don't write them out and forget about them. Look at them everyday. This sounds really basic I know but sometimes small steps beget big results.

In regards to the ladies make sure you get yourself out there. You need to be social and approach women and talk to them. Even if it doesn't lead to anything else it's a good experience and you might make some friends who will want to set you up with other women they think you would like.

Football calls. I will be following

Writing things down helps with being overwhelmed.

It forces you to deconstruct a big pile of something into small bites that you can attack one by one.

And with working-out..... It helps sometimes, when you are on the line to work-out or not, to write the intention here. It increases the probability that you will really start a work-out in the next 10 min. Clearly if you inwardly already decided to feel lazy and do nothing, then it won't help.

I like blogging. It helps me big time. And I like this place. It is like you said "have a way of writing insane crazy **** without real life repercussions. ". I don't feel any judgment here and at the same time you do get some feed-back actually always in pretty nice and compassionate way.

Anyway will be reading. And now I am gone not to really work-out big time, but for a loooooong hike. Don't you have in Sweden a lot of cool nature for hiking?

Do you mind giving a little back story about your 20s? Did you drop out of school to play poker and then recently went back and got your degree and applied to grad programs? Did you finish school first and play poker full-time instead of getting a real job, and then decide to go back for more school? Some other path?

I think one of your problems is that you think a dream life and dream job exist. There are just some things you'll like more than others, try to move towards those things. Nothing will ever be perfect

Hi


Not sure if you're still checking into the blog section from time to time - hope school is going better for you now that you've had more time to adjust ...

Was wondering if you sometimes feel pressure to try to be what you believe others want you to be? Is there anything you feel passionate about in life - if not, maybe if you can somehow shed that feeling of expectation, maybe you might feel more free to focus on trying to find stuff you feel passionate about in life?


After that, the girls will follow Maybe sometimes a bit harder when one's smart, because the pool of similar people is smaller - and then sometimes people may have physical preferences like liking blondes or whatever ...


Cliffs: There's someone for everyone But maybe happiness comes from within?


GL with school Fabian!!

Sam,

I really enjoy your posting. I feel like you would be a really trusted and sweet friend who would look out for people. You make me feel all snuggly

I feel the same about your posts too Rexx!! They're made with such warmth and understanding, and filled with such wisdom - am sure your friends all find you to be loyal and generous ... warm fuzzies all around!!

Hope you're having a lovely weekend!!