Its 2015 in a few hours and I usually like to take opportunities like this to list a bunch of things I hate about myself, attempt (kind of) to change them and then fail at them.

I hope to use this blog as an aide to help me succeed at my goals - but I guess I don't know how I will use it yet, I have never done anything similar before.

Enough yada yada for know.

Main goal for this year:

Quit smoking the reefa, doing the blow, drinking the booze, smoking the tabs

I have smoked weed pretty much everyday for around 10 years. I want to quit as I feel my memory has turned to **** over this time, I have a daughter now I don't want to forget about things she has done, also for general health reasons, smoking is bad for that.

I have used smoking weed as a way of self-soothing myself over the years. Left to my own devices I will work myself up, get stressed and feel out of control - last year I had counselling where this was discussed.

So weed served a function for me, made me able to deal with myself a lot easier. Why don't I need it anymore? well I will need something to self-sooth other than weed, I need to figure out what that can be and give it a go.

The other goals, booze and cigs, which aren't a problem in my life - I drink maybe once every 2/3months and don't smoke (other the joints). In the past when I try to quit the weed, within a day of so I am drinking beer and smoking tabs - just me finding another fix to feel better, but I don't wanna be doing these things.

Cocaine comes along with the boozing every 2/3 months. Its social I don't do it by myself, but can be a bit of a fiend once I get going. If I still did coke and booze every 3 months didn't smoke weed or tabs at all I would take it tbh, but I still would like to be properly clean.

mama told me baby stay clean, there is no in between

Other goals will come in time but I need to see what develops first, and then take it from there.

I tend to seek failure - I set myself up all the time to not succeed at things, this is my way of confirming to myself that I am a failure. So its HIGHLY likely I will fail, in fact I think im more likely to fail within the first 24/48 hours. But I have to try.

I have some weed left, so ive just skinned up the rest, and have thrown all my kit away, grinder, skins, tobacco etc.. I did feel anxious at the time, but that's going to happen, its not going to be easy for sure.

Tomorrow my plan is to stay in for most of the day and watch the football, I wont be going over to friends house, as they may have weed. I will go for a long run in the evening, and hopefully that will sort me from some of the negative feelings I will be having at that point.

Currently I haven't told anyone about my quitting, just this blog - it will make failing a lot easier, I wont feel like such a loser this way.

Id like to play a bit of poker in Jan, as I have a bit of time - I play 10nl zoom o8, which I love its great fun! But haven't played sober in a couple of years, so maybe in a few days I can try this.

Never done drugs, but I would imagine you should get actual support instead of this blog.

Actual support along with this blog*

gl OP

it doesn't sound like you need that much help. maybe a better job? if drugs were free you wouldn't have any problems. consider conforming the rest of your life around your drug habit instead of tossing the baby out with the bathwater. gl

Day 2 almost in the books - I am happy with how things are going. Having quit (briefly) in the past, I would have expected much more mental turmoil at this point - so I am pretty positive atm.

Didn't manage to go on a run, coz the weather has been awful - I got a take away instead, I felt like I needed something to do, I think hanging around doing nothing is probably going to be the most likely cause of regression. So I need things to do in the evening to keep me busy - going on runs is a fair idea, its just one of those things I need to get into, then itll be easy, but atm running for 45mins along the coast in winter seems a bit gross.
I got a bit of online gaming lined up for tonight, gonna play the new COD for the first time, kinda looking forward, but don't wanna be put off by getting smashed, we'll see.
Other things I can do, is start reading again - I have a bad reading habit where I start a book get about 70 pages in then stop. It might be the type of books i read, i havnt read a fictional story in forever, last few books ive started have been a couple on Bob Dylan, a couple of Psychology books (mainly on Transactional analysis), and a few science books (one on Quantum, one by Dawkins) pffff they were a long shot haha. Id like to see if i can finish one off the weed, so ill try that.
Thinking about getting some deece headphones so i can have music on and play poker, i need to look into that tho. I definitely don't wanna get ahead of myself, buy headphones, books, running gear etc.. then by next week ive bought a loada smoke, and have all things thing which serve as a way for me to hate myself.

For the moment im gonna stick to not telling people about quitting until 2 weeks clean - ive been ill so i can just play on that for not blazing with mates etc

Im also gonna reward myself 30 quid a week, of which i have to do or buy something with.

That's it for now, one day at a time, baby steps etc...

I self medicate with weed because I have other problems and I learnt that it worked to get me through the day. I needed actual help with my underlining problems to stop the need for the weed - I finished over a years worth of weekly counselling and psychotherapy about 2 months ago. I didn't want to just dump the weed after straight after losing my weekly support. But recently I felt good enough in myself to try to.

God dam I forgot about the sleep situation - without smoking reefa my dreams are wild, really vivid and I wake up a lot during the night. I think this is standard when quitting, I just hope things calm down a bit, so I can get a bit more rest in. Seems ironic that I am more tired during the day not smoking weed, then when I do.

Felt a bit of weakness yesterday, around my usual start baking time (7pm) I felt like I would enjoy a spiff, and I def would have done - but I just made a tea, grabbed some chocolate and decided on a dvd - once I was into the film I had forgotten about wanting some (watched 22 bullets with Jean Reno - was better than average).

I read an article yesterday on the success of new years resolutions, looking at it in relation to Transactional Analysis. Basically stating that resolutions from the Parent ego state (i.e things u think u SHOULD do) wont last long and have around a 5% success rate, resolutions coming from the Adult ego state (using logical situational analysis and adult decision making) - which I think is where my decision came from, have only a slightly better chance of success. The best success comes from the Child ego state, meaning there is a strong emotional desire to do (whatever the resolution is).
I thought about this like if u nearly die from a smoking related illness and develop a strong fear of dying then quitting smoking is most likely, rather than thinking u SHOULD, or knowing the reasons why it would make logical sense to stop.

I know my Child ego state wants to blaze, as we gain a lot of happiness from it - so I was a little disheartened reading this article.

I will continue and see how things develop.

Urghh... social anxieties and being self critical are the main reason for my escapism/self soothing with drugs. I just saw some ****er that i hate, sends me a little tilty, weed would insta relive me of this feeling ****ty feeling. Im sure i learnt ways to deal with these feelings of self loathing - but its difficult to think logically (Adult) when in a high emotional state (Child), and to change the focus of attention.... that's what i need to do, change the focus of my attention, go for a walk a drive etc... I know what i would prefer, my tried and trusted method of self soothing...bahhhhhh, i might put the feelers out.... failing at this will confirm that i think im a failure and this blog would have been a success!

ill give myself a bit, try and chill, forget about stuff.... if i don't post again i would say its obv what ive been doing........ to change yourself is one of the hardest things