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Old 07-12-2014, 10:27 AM   #151
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Where to next?

Definitely Colorado, or was that just an idea you were throwing out?
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Old 07-12-2014, 12:44 PM   #152
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

I threw the idea out there (to myself) weeks ago and haven't found any compelling reason not to go through with it, so I'll probably go there. I have a sister in Colorado Springs but I'm thinking I'll get a place in Denver or Boulder. Those are two different propositions though. I should look into it more. Trying to get a job was just an idea I was throwing out. Would being gainfully employed really help my self-esteem? I think it might but it also might really suck and I'd want to quit right away. My best chance at a conventional job I'd be suited for and might not hate too much would be computer programming (and that's ridiculously general - need to narrow that down), but I haven't written a line of code in months. I also want to try stand-up comedy and being in a city where they speak English would be a positive as far as that goes. Plus legal weed. There's a solid plan in there somewhere.
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Old 07-12-2014, 10:01 PM   #153
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

You were probably joking, but do you like smoking weed? If it's not something you do regularly and enjoy I wouldn't get into it at this point in your life.

Have you ever tried stand-up? I think you are funny as hell on here, but getting up on stage is a different thing entirely. If you have tried open mic nights or anything similar I would be very interested to hear how it went and your thoughts on the experience.

Getting a job sounds like a solid plan. You will be getting paid. You will meet people. You will have something to say when someone you just met asks the inevitable question, "and what do you do?"

Steve, I think you have a lot of unrealized potential both career and relationship wise, and I believe that you are aware of this as well. You are not a young man anymore. Take risks and at least try to do the things you want to do before it's too late. The road will be bumpy and you will probably fall on your face a few times, but it is better than getting stuck in a rut of complacency and stagnation. I know this sounds cliche, but I'm pretty sure that you would surprise yourself with what you are able to accomplish if you just get out of your own way.

This may be completely off base, but I just want to throw it out there. Do you think you have a fear of failure?
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Old 07-12-2014, 10:17 PM   #154
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

I'll be your wingman bro, bro. We'll get tons of pussy.
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Old 07-13-2014, 01:27 AM   #155
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brocktoon View Post
You were probably joking, but do you like smoking weed? If it's not something you do regularly and enjoy I wouldn't get into it at this point in your life.
Smoking weed isn't a major life goal or anything but I'd definitely try it if I moved there. I've never had substance abuse issues so I don't think it would be a problem for me (never got too far out of line with alcohol or overeating, for example). Just something to try to see if I liked it. I do view legal weed as a slight positive if only because that's one less dumb law on the books.

Quote:
Have you ever tried stand-up? I think you are funny as hell on here, but getting up on stage is a different thing entirely. If you have tried open mic nights or anything similar I would be very interested to hear how it went and your thoughts on the experience.
I went up a few times when I was in my 20s, with mixed results, but I never gave it the chance I felt like I should have. I still have a notebook with some of the stuff I wrote. It's not great (and I don't think I'd use any of it now), but my primary problem was that I would be writing new material up to the day of the open mic because I was never happy with what I had already written for the time before. The process of performance / evaluation / refinement basically never happened. So pretty much a new act every time which I would frantically try to memorize on the day. I think the last time I went up I was depressed and unmotivated, and it went horribly, and after that I gave up. I might have done five open mics total, if that. So, just something I'd like to try. As long as I give it a legitimate effort, whatever comes out of that would be fine with me.

Quote:
Getting a job sounds like a solid plan. You will be getting paid. You will meet people. You will have something to say when someone you just met asks the inevitable question, "and what do you do?"
I need to do something. I've got a lot of internal resistance to getting a job, because I feel like I should be able to motivate myself to create something on my own without having to work for somebody else. But the fact is that that hasn't happened and I haven't ever been very motivated to make it happen. I need to get out of this rut of doing nothing and getting a job is the most obvious way for me to do that. I don't know what my job prospects would look like at this point and I'm kind of afraid to find out. The interview process is going to be so ****ing weird. Then once I get the job, I wonder how long it's going to take before I want to quit. And it would be so easy for me to quit. I'll probably be asking myself, "Why did I give up control of my time to these idiots?" So getting a job isn't ideal at all, but I'm out of better ideas that seem plausible. The random drift I'm in now is no good.

Quote:
Steve, I think you have a lot of unrealized potential both career and relationship wise, and I believe that you are aware of this as well. You are not a young man anymore. Take risks and at least try to do the things you want to do before it's too late. The road will be bumpy and you will probably fall on your face a few times, but it is better than getting stuck in a rut of complacency and stagnation. I know this sounds cliche, but I'm pretty sure that you would surprise yourself with what you are able to accomplish if you just get out of your own way.

This may be completely off base, but I just want to throw it out there. Do you think you have a fear of failure?
For sure. I think it accounts for why I've spent so much time here, living at my dad's house, doing nothing. I can't fail, because I'm not trying to do anything. This is why I keep putting off making any plans whatsoever. Without fear of failure this resistance wouldn't make any sense, because I'm obviously not happy here and logically I should be in a big hurry to get out and at least try something else. But by staying here I'm keeping the stakes as low as possible, so it's safe.
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Old 07-14-2014, 02:55 PM   #156
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

Enjoying your blog man.

Washington state just legalized recreational weed as well and tons of tech jobs in Seattle with companies like Amazon, Microsoft, etc. not to mention a slew of smaller tech companies.

Also a city that almost embraces the introvert in all of us. Winters can get pretty gray though and a lot of people hate that aspect of it.

Anyway, best of luck wherever you decide to journey next.
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Old 07-20-2014, 12:11 AM   #157
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

Great blog man. Chile sounds like fun. Im down with the Korn

Thats cool you tried stand up. Just to float an idea. You ever think about writing? You can submit things to Amazon. Its fun and satisfying to write scripts and think of jokes and you got jokes. Getting your scripts rejected is an easy and small step to get over a fear of failure. Its painless, you just send them in and 45 days later you get an email. You might even get to run a show. Its something to do and could give you a little purpose until you figure out your next move.

Smoking weed regularly wont help the dating. Im on board with trying it once or twice when in Rome though. Have you smoked weed before? If not I can gladly offer some pro tips.
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Old 07-27-2014, 01:52 PM   #158
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

Hey - subscribing.

Have you thought about moving to asia for a while? Im in the philippines, but Thailand, cambodia, vietnam would all be good. You will absolutely get laid, and possibly meet someone really nice.

There's also beaches, cheap beer, and some poker.

Also - if a girl asks you to guess her age, always say 24. if they are younger, they want to be older, if they are older they want to be younger, if they are really old, they will appreciate the joke.
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Old 07-27-2014, 01:52 PM   #159
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

You could always come for a visit - check on the country threads in the travel forum - lots of info there.
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Old 07-28-2014, 12:24 AM   #160
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

Was feeling pretty negative and confused tonight, and not for any good reason I can pinpoint, so it seemed like a good time to update the blog. Maybe it's because my path is clear to do whatever it is I'm going to do next. I'm more comfortable when I have excuses but I'm all out (a few boring details I had to take care of after returning from Chile and that's all done now). Or I don't know, might be random brain chemical fluctuations. Yesterday my mood was super positive and today I feel ****ty. Nothing has changed.

I met, interacted with, and facebook friended an astounding-for-me number of women while I was in Chile. Literally a few of them. There was even a single mother who approached me while I was waiting at the airport in Santiago. Apparently she and her son (six or seven years old maybe) were both about to get on an airplane for the first time in their lives, flying all the way from Santiago to Atlanta and then on to Los Angeles where her American boyfriend lives, and with such a long flight ahead of them they were understandably nervous. They also didn't speak any English but I was able to explain the basics of what was going to happen. "People in wheelchairs will be called to board the plane first, then first class passengers, then everyone else..." She had lots of questions about little details like that. At one point she asked me what "concourse" meant and my first thought was "a word used only in airports". So I was helpful like that, and after a while despite the boyfriend I started to get the idea that she was being overly friendly with me. She gave me her phone number. She took a picture of me with her kid. Maybe some of this can be attributed to cultural differences. So we're facebook friends, and I really wasn't trying to flirt with her at all, but she's messaged me a few times since. The last time she mentioned she'll be going back to Chile soon and she wants me to visit her if I ever go back. Not something I plan to pursue even if I do go back though (boyfriend, kid, weird lack of boundaries - though if I was super attracted to her I might find a way to justify all that).

Then yesterday Daniela randomly decided to text me. Just a casual chat back and forth, we seem to be on friendly terms, no big deal. Sort of a nice surprise for me since I've got nothing happening here in Michigan.

****ing Laura though. So my last day in Chile I met with her for my last Spanish lesson (really thought she'd flake out on me but she actually showed up for all the hours I prepaid for in the end). Afterwards as we walked back toward the metro station she made it sound like she wanted to stay in touch and I got the impression she really meant it. Could be a case of me hearing what I wanted to hear, but she mentioned she could always use practice with her English and maybe I could help her with that, and that she'd be interested to find out what I'd be doing with my life going forward (I'm not showing her this blog of course). Then when I got back I messaged her and she was cordial in her reply, but it was basically "have a nice life". Disappointing but fair enough, and probably the best way to leave things, I thought once I was mostly done being depressed about it. Then a few days ago she gave me a "poke" on facebook. Wtf is that supposed to mean? The problem is, unlike with the single mother at the airport, I am super attracted to Laura so I keep trying to decode her nonsense.

So those are the distractions that have been occupying my time because I'm not doing much of anything right now. I need to plan my next move.
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Old 07-28-2014, 01:18 AM   #161
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

If she was interested, you would know it - she isnt. I dont know the details, but I'm guessing you pay her for lessons, so thats why she turns up - and she acts cordially, because thats what people do.

You seem very aware of this already - but obsessing about one woman who hasnt shown any interest isnt good. Build on what youve learned and go from there.
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Old 07-28-2014, 01:54 AM   #162
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

Doesn't explain why weeks later I'd get the "poke" on facebook but anyway it doesn't matter, nothing happening here I agree. What I did because her birthday is coming up is I wished her happy birthday (which I never do on facebook and wouldn't have except for that mysterious "poke"). A few days early but I figured since facebook gives you the option in advance it would get delivered on the day / or it would be normal to wish happy birthday a few days in advance. Maybe not though, she just responded that its not her birthday yet so I guess I screwed that up too, lol. Aaaand that was Laura...

Seriously though, what is the etiquette on facebook pokes? Never got one before.
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Old 07-28-2014, 07:32 AM   #163
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The poke button was a way to flirt back in 2005, though it quickly became thought of as being a little creepy. I don't know what it means nowadays, but if you like the girl your best move is to ignore it. Under no circumstances do you poke her back.
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Old 07-28-2014, 07:41 AM   #164
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I interpret things like that as ways girls see if guys are still interested (or ways to keep them interested), not necessarily because they like the guy, they just want to know they're still liked. If you show interest, they lose interest. If you ignore it, they get more interested.

Sorry for the multi post
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Old 07-31-2014, 07:45 PM   #165
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

Here's how fb describes a "poke."

People poke their friends or friends of friends on Facebook for a lot of reasons (ex: just saying hello, getting their attention). When you poke someone, they'll receive a notification.

https://www.facebook.com/help/451424538215150/
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Old 07-31-2014, 10:20 PM   #166
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

I feel like the optimal strategy on receiving a facebook poke is to not think about it. I find this difficult so I tried to disable pokes, but to no avail.

Quote:
I interpret things like that as ways girls see if guys are still interested (or ways to keep them interested), not necessarily because they like the guy, they just want to know they're still liked.
I could see this being spot on with Laura especially. She craves attention more than most. I was clicking through her profile pictures, which she updates rather frequently, and they all had comments from guys telling her how pretty she is, followed by comments from her thanking each guy individually for telling her how pretty she is. I'll keep my facebook stalking anonymous tyvm. I've been reading through the following thread because it reminds me of her:
https://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/34...order-1383064/

"I do not want that. I do not want that." Unfortunately I still do, and if this is a pattern and I'm drawn to this type, that's going to be a problem. Laura texted me again because apparently she was still really confused about me wishing her happy birthday a few days early. I didn't want to admit to her that I didn't know the protocol because I had never before wished anyone happy birthday on facebook, so I was just like "sorry, my bad."

Yeah, still not a lot going on in my life. On the plus side I've started running 6 miles every other day and I think that's a good distance for me so I won't try to push it any further. After a while long distance running becomes more about killing time than fitness imo, 6 miles is where I'm drawing the line.
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Old 08-02-2014, 12:10 AM   #167
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

I'm following routines and waiting for something to happen. I'm stuck here for no particular reason. I don't have much to say right now but there were a few posts I never responded to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CvD View Post
Enjoying your blog man.

Washington state just legalized recreational weed as well and tons of tech jobs in Seattle with companies like Amazon, Microsoft, etc. not to mention a slew of smaller tech companies.

Also a city that almost embraces the introvert in all of us. Winters can get pretty gray though and a lot of people hate that aspect of it.

Anyway, best of luck wherever you decide to journey next.
I've considered the Pacific northwest too (Seattle area, Portland area). There's no place I need to be, so where I move next is largely arbitrary. I have a hard time making decisions when there isn't one option that's clearly better than all the rest, and it seems like most of life is like that. See also: Buridan's ass.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Udummy View Post
Great blog man. Chile sounds like fun. Im down with the Korn

Thats cool you tried stand up. Just to float an idea. You ever think about writing? You can submit things to Amazon. Its fun and satisfying to write scripts and think of jokes and you got jokes. Getting your scripts rejected is an easy and small step to get over a fear of failure. Its painless, you just send them in and 45 days later you get an email. You might even get to run a show. Its something to do and could give you a little purpose until you figure out your next move.
I know there are places you can self-publish but I'd never considered submitting things to Amazon. I'm not sure what you mean about submitting jokes and running a show though. Writing a book is one of those things that would be cool to cross off the bucket list, and I like it as an activity that requires / fosters discipline and initiative. I don't think I'm much of a storyteller though. I've made half-hearted attempts at nanowrimo before but I never got any further than a few pages in before deciding it was hopeless.

Quote:
Smoking weed regularly wont help the dating. Im on board with trying it once or twice when in Rome though. Have you smoked weed before? If not I can gladly offer some pro tips.
I smoked weed only once, at a party maybe ten years ago when they were passing around a glass pipe. I recall becoming more talkative than normal, but I was drunk as well.

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Hey - subscribing.

Have you thought about moving to asia for a while? Im in the philippines, but Thailand, cambodia, vietnam would all be good. You will absolutely get laid, and possibly meet someone really nice.
I don't really like the idea of moving somewhere where I don't speak the language, and the far east seems intimidatingly foreign to me. I don't think my inability to get laid has much to do with any particular country. Based on my Chile trip, maybe being outside the US would help but I'm not even sure about that. As far as getting laid, I've been around women who seemed receptive, sometimes obviously so, but I lack the confidence to move things forward from there.
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Old 08-02-2014, 03:48 PM   #168
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

Nothing deep here but the message seemed fitting.

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Old 08-03-2014, 03:27 AM   #169
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilSteve View Post

I don't really like the idea of moving somewhere where I don't speak the language, and the far east seems intimidatingly foreign to me. I don't think my inability to get laid has much to do with any particular country. Based on my Chile trip, maybe being outside the US would help but I'm not even sure about that. As far as getting laid, I've been around women who seemed receptive, sometimes obviously so, but I lack the confidence to move things forward from there.
They all speak English in the philippines (American colony and everything). Check out the travel forum philippines page if you have time, you will see what I mean about what it's like. It's not that far, and you could come for a month to see if you liked it.

It doesn't feel foreign, especially in the city centres. It's all malls and American chain restaurants.
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Old 08-04-2014, 12:27 AM   #170
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

Substance free publicity post here: Check out the custom undertitle! Didn't ask for it but I'll take it. This blog has arrived.

I just watched the first episode of Idiot Abroad on Netflix and it turns out I look just like Karl Pilkington, at least in profile (not so much straight on). Wouldn't be surprised if we have similar fashion sense too.
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Old 08-04-2014, 03:39 AM   #171
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

IME facebook pokes mean you can have sex with whoever poked you. male or female, doesn't matter. pokes are sexual as ****.

my mom poked me once though, that was weird.
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Old 08-05-2014, 12:43 AM   #172
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

From your blog I get the idea a lot of things have signified sex for you lately though. The poke could definitely be flirty, or attention seeking, or just a not very adult way of communicating on a platform where words are readily available. Not gonna use it.

There's so much media to consume these days. I will never run out of books or blogs or forums worth reading, movies or TV shows or youtube videos worth watching, music or podcasts worth listening to. There's no way to not fall behind further every day. There's no reaching the end even if you're being selective on quality. Being a passive media consumer is a viable lifestyle. Why create anything? Creating stuff is hard work and there's already too much out there.

I made a trip last weekend to an arthouse theater almost an hour away from where I'm staying (almost said "home" but this isn't and can't be home for me anymore). The drive there and back and paying $9.50 for a ticket to see a movie by myself seemed impractical and a little sad so I almost didn't go, but I figured everything I go out to by myself is going to be impractical like that but I might as well have outings every once in a while just to break the routine. Saw Richard Linklater's latest, Boyhood, which I liked quite a bit. It was filmed scene by scene over the course of 12 years and you get to watch the actors age with the passage of time between scenes. In a way he did the same thing with the trilogy Before Sunrise (1995), Before Sunset (2004), Before Midnight (2013) where we get three time snapshots of a couple's relationship. There's just a finer granularity of the realtime aging process with his latest. Anyway, interesting experiment imo, go see it.

I feel like I used to have a high frequency of original thoughts when I was younger. Or I'd have ideas and think they were interesting and worth sharing, even if I was too lazy to do much with them. But now I'm either not having ideas at all or I'm not very interested in whatever happens to bubble up to the surface, or it all feels like minor variations on stuff I've already processed before. When I sit down to write stuff I keep circling back to "Who cares?". To offer no insight at all, I'm bored.
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:05 PM   #173
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

failure to make plans
leaves so little to say here
daily haikus now?

Last edited by EvilSteve; 08-05-2014 at 10:08 PM. Reason: probably not
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:09 PM   #174
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Why don't you run some of your stand up routine by us. Write down some stuff you're working on, ideas for bits. Maybe you can get some material that way.
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Old 08-05-2014, 10:36 PM   #175
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Re: EvilSteve's midlife crisis

I don't currently have a routine and haven't been working on one (apart from occasional notes I jot down on my phone which are never fully formed bits anyway but just ideas I think might be able to be built into something) so its a non-starter for now. But even if I had some material ready to go I would question the value of posting bits here. A bit that might kill onstage with a particular delivery isn't necessarily going to read as funny. So I think that's just not going to happen. If I come up with anything funny in message board format that fits the blog, I'll post that. At such time I won't specify whether or not it happens to be related to a bit I've written, or even if it's supposed to be funny in the first place.

It occurs to me that I'm full of excuses to not do anything. But I'll tell you what your suggestion brings to mind. When I tried doing standup the first time, I read my "routine" (directly from the notebook) into a tape recorder so I could play it back and memorize it for the open mic. My roommate found out about it and asked me to play it during the poker game we had at my house (I bought a house in suburbia for no better reason than "because I could" - big mistake, I was not a good home owner and lots of basic maintenance tasks went undone). So anyway I played it, the recording of me reading from the notebook. Not a laugh riot. Very uncomfortable. That can happen onstage too, but somehow I think listening to the tape play was worse because there was no chance for interaction with the audience. Just me doomed to listening to my own voice drone on.

Last edited by EvilSteve; 08-05-2014 at 10:51 PM.
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