Sitting in a hotel room now. Too much snow to work. Only time to reflect.

names have been changed obv

Scene 1, 2012 early

Even though I told L (GF and baby momma) I cheated on her again a couple months ago, we have been doing really well. We finally went to counseling for the first time and made some progress. Hopefully we can start to communicate better. I know that part of my gambling and alcohol abuse is an escape mechanism, but in the recess of my mind there is something deeper. Like that first hit of meth. A huge orgasm of nervous excitement. Dopamine flying off the charts.

I took C(daughter) fishing today. Even though she hasn't turned 3 yet she enjoys it. Was pretty cold out but we managed to catch a few rainbows. I always tend to go over the process of fishing and gutting very analytically, but with a spiritual perspective as well. I think C just likes getting away from the house and having some time alone with me.

Scene 2

I'm starting to worry about my mom. She has been having a cough that won't go away for two months. Its probably bronchitis or something, but with her cancer coming back a few years ago I'm always worried. C's birthday is in a few days. GF and Mom are baking a cake for her. Finally she is going to be 3. Today we went to a sporting goods store to pick out a nicer rod and reel for her.

GF's Father is going to be here for the celebration. I'm not looking forward to it. Throws my rhythm off. I just don't understand someone that blames everyone else for their problems. That has a masters degree and won't find work. Still, it makes GF and C happy. I will just suffer his ranting about corporations and sport salaries among other things. GF has told me she will go back over to her grandparent's house(her dad also stays there) with C. Glad she will be gone but I will miss C very much.

Scene 3,

Panic and rage are building inside of me like a boiler. Why the **** can't I get a hold of GF. It's been 2 weeks and something is going on. Got one text from her a week ago. I know cell service is spotty at the farm, but why won't she call to check in from the land line like she always does. Is this it? Has all my ****ing around finally bit me in the ass. I'm ready for her to go, but I still don't have enough money to get a lawyer. I miss C.

Scene 4,

She finally came back today. With her dad. I played it cool. Played with C for the afternoon. Then I told her I was taking her out to dinner. Someplace nice. Easy now, no big deal. Have a few drinks. She tells me that she needed a break. I tell her that I understand, but she should have at least let C stay here or have her call me while she was on break.

"So what's the plan?" I ask. "Are you leaving?" She says she doesn't know. I think she finally realizes that I haven't loved her in a long while. That the only reason I stayed was to try and do right for C and support her. That we are incompatible. I of course knew this and have subjected myself to hell. Sleeping next to someone that annoys the piss out of you is tiring.

When she tells me that I already know that it's over. She's going to leave.

Scene 5,

Hear noise at 530am. It's her and her dad packing. She tells me that she needs to go and doesn't know if she will come back. I tell her to take the rest of her ****!

Act 2 April-Sept of 2012


Scene 1

Never realized how far away EX's grandparents lived. Even though we are meeting halfway at the summit of a mountain pass it's still a 2.5 hour drive each way. The late spring scenery is beautiful though. The snow is melting and I love the smell of fresh pine. Unfortunately, there are a ton of elk on this two lane road. I can't rubberneck to much.

I had to sell my car. The one I told myself when it came out I would buy one day. Now I'm driving this piece of crap up the mountain. Oh well. When I see C it will all be worth it. I am genuinely excited to have her for a few days.

Scene 2

C fell asleep in my arms watching a movie. I can't believe that she grew in the 2 weeks since I saw her last. The dog is excited that she's here and so am I. It was a little disturbing that she was crying and didn't want to go with me. What has EX been telling her? I just ignored it and started doing silly faces in the rear view mirror to brighten the mood.

When C is here, I understand why I stayed for so long. She is smart with her own sense of humor. I cooked up some spaghetti for her and we blew bubbles out on the back porch and watched the dog attack them.

Soon my mind begins to wander and I have stinging feelings of guilt and remorse. Had I not lost another relationship due to gambling? Why was I a terrible person and begin to serial cheat on EX? Did I not care about C? No, I do care. That's why when EX hid the fact she was pregnant until the last minute I tried to make it work. That's why I read a story to C every night. That's why I took C to do various things with me since she was born. That's why I provided. I had my faults but I can change. That's why I'm going to clean my act up.

Scene 3

I'm in such a funk right now. More of a haze I guess. Not been drinking or smoking weed due to possibility of it coming up in court. Miss C so much when she's gone. Mom's cough hasn't gone away and they think its cancer related but even though she's been to 4 doctors they can't seem to find the source. I'm worried.

My Aunt also has cancer at this point. Her kids are much younger than I am, all in high school or middle school. What a tradgedy it would be if they lost their mother. That thought brings another one which I refuse to dwell on.

I got fired a couple days ago. Can't say that I mind as I will recieve unemployment and gives me time to deal with EX. They fired me because I wasn't at quota for one month. The month hadn't even ended yet. Oh well, I should go back to school and finish my degree anyway. Have some money saved up so it's time to grind poker. No getting drunk and spewing at blackjack

Scene 4

I hate my gambling cycles. I'm crushing a spread limit game for a month and spew my winnings back on blackjack. Rinse and repeat. Even went deep in a $200 tourney that was 19k to first. Ended up 26th for 300 profit. Waste of time. Hit the 2/5 game and my set looses to a two pair that boats up. You know how it ends. Go to the bar. Drink whiskey. By the third one the anger that I have is quelled and replaced by my mind telling me its time. Time to screw up again and go give some action. Feel the rush. Think I have a deep seeded association with that feeling because only a year after stopping meth I stepped into a casino. I was only 19 at the time. I've been hooked since.

Scene 5

My aunt died. Less than two months after being diagnosed. I don't have enough money to go to NYC for the funeral. I decide to go to a music festival instead. Still in my daze. Camping the first night. Drink enough to take a nap for a while. Wake up and drop acid. Bad choice.

The trip starts fine. I have taken acid 10+ times and know what to expect. This stuff is good. I guess it pays to have a couple of hippy friends. I avoid the MDMA neon fake party and retreat back to my tent. Friend says there are some girls that want to meet you. Go away Im not in the mood. I'm thinking on my sins. On all the failures. Of the fact I'm 28 and didn't have enough money to go to a funeral because I'm a degen. Try to sleep but all the fractals and drivel that is going through my head.

Simply put I'm a failure

Scene 6

The summer has gone by. EX and I went to mediation to work out a parenting plan. I have C every weekend. After the music festival happened I tried to seek out some different work. Going back to school and paying child support, fuel bill and a mortgage isn't going to work. Look to pick up a trade but there are waiting lists upon waiting lists. I accept my fate that I have to sell cars for the time being.

Mom was really devastated by the lost of her younger sister. She couldn't go to the funeral either because she wasn't doing very well. The doctors are telling her that she needs to stop losing weight or they will put a feeding tube in her. My dad and I suggest medical marijuana but she refuses.

C loves coming over to my mom's and dad's. They have a nice garden with tomatoes and sweat peas which they let her pick. She is really attached to my mom. Just hope that Mom pulls through like the times she has before.

Ok this one will be slightly less depressing. Have to hit the bottom before the upswing.

Act 3 Sep2012-Dec2013

Scene 1

It's fall now and I manage to go steelhead fishing. Steelhead is a rainbow trout that goes out to sea for a few years and then comes back to their native river to spawn. Unlike salmon, reproducing isn't a death sentance.

I'm out in this smaller river canyon with my waders. No cell phone service. Total freedom. Just focusing on the task at hand of making that perfect cast, the perfect float down river to trigger a strike. I love being in that focused zone. I did manage to get a decent fish that day. It was a wild(not hatchery raised) fish and I released it.

I have a job now. The money is good but the schedule stinks and I'm working 60 hours a week. Mainly I'm just focusing on taking care of my bills and child support. But at this point I was beggining to get lonely.

Scene 2

I had bedded a couple women over the summer but nothing serious. As soon as I woke up in the morning I wanted them to leave. Not so much due to an annyoing personality, with the exception of a nineteen year old. Mainly to the fact I just wanted to be alone.

My buddy dragged me out to a local dive bar on Friday night and then I ran into her. Her name was J. In her early 30's but with a nice body and face. A solid 7 even by picky 2+2 standards I had known her because a brother of a friend had dated her a few months ago. We had all hung out and she was flirting with me the entire time and her bf had gotten jealous.

I approached and made some small talk. We talked for a few minutes and she said we should hangout. Exchanged numbers and then 10 minutes later I get a text from her. The next thing I know is that I'm at her house. Of course this girl is depraved, and that's right up my alley. If you get to put it in her ass the first night she's a keeper.

Scene 3

Seeing this girl was a way to brighten up things for me a bit. On the other hand, my mom was still getting worse. And was down over 50lbs in a year at this point. They had figured out where the tumor was and were doing radiation and chemo. At this point she would run out of breathe just standing for very long or walking to the driveway. My father and I were trying to help out around their house as best we could. Doing all the housework and trying to get mom to eat as best as she could.

I will never forget that Thanksgiving. My mom was scheduled to get a feeding tube in the following few days. My brother and sister could not make it in from out of town. Luckily, I did have C. Dad and I did the best we could to make a decent meal. We managed to do turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans and cranberry sauce. Not nearly the spread that Mom did.

Mom was helping to supervise the turkey when this conversation came up. Basically I said that "I would do a better job next year." regarding something abuot the cooking. "Next year I will be cooking." she replied. The little slip was more of a sub-concious thing that got brought to the forefront. Maybe I was in a little bit of denial up to that point. Who knows.

Scene 4

Man this girl is a clinger. I'm really starting to suspect some type of mental disorder by the way she devalues others. I started to distance myself from her and she's been adding my friends on facebook. Sex is still remaining good. I know she's not going to be worth it though.

Scene 5

Its Christmas time. Really happy and sad at the same time. For instance I wonder if this will be mom's last Christmas. At the same time I'm excited for C. She is really into Christmas and has been writing letters to Santa. My brother and sister are here. This is the first time they have seen Mom since this summer and they are obviously worried. Nothing I can do though but to hope for a miracle of somesort and be as supportive as I can. Its funny how I can compartmentalize it in order for me survive at my job.

When I get home its over to Mom and dad's every day to help out and spend time with her. She won't say it, but I know that time is my enemy at this point. My mother is a smart woman. Is it her survival instict that won't let her face it. She says that she will find a way. To beat it, and lays out a plan. Maybe she doesn't want us to worry.

A lady from hospice came and had a consultation with all of us the day after Christmas. My mom said she wasn't ready for that and was going to keep fighting.

Think that's enough for one night. Will try to do a few more tomorrow.

Thanks for sharing.

+1

We're ready for the upswing story!

Wow. Very personal and emotional writing without the usual dramatic tone. You are talented and I feel relate your story in many facets of your life. Looking forward to seeing an update.

Cheers,
PJC

Ok sorry guys I'm drunk right now. Sorry its been a while. Try to do a few.
Act 4 Jan 2013

Scene 1

I'm sitting in the ER waiting room. You try to do little things to keep yourself busy. Take a look at the local section in the paper. Watch 80 something geriatrics wave to each other. Something to take your mind off that your Mom is having an emergency surgery in the next room to remove fluid around her heart. And for what? A couple days...weeks....months? But maybe some
miracle will happen and she will recover. She's a fighter and if anybody could pull it off it would be her.

The hospital decides to keep her overnight. It's procedure. Medically there is no reason. I summon my brother and sister to catch a flight out as soon as possible. I run into her Oncologist in the hall. He's in his early 30's. Indian, Armani clothing and glasses. You get the picture. Anyway, he sees me and has a frank conversation with me. It's the first time I've been able to get a straight answer as to her expected lifespan. 2 weeks-2 months.

What amazes me is that the doctor himself is shook up when he divulges this. I'm actually relieved. It's comforting to have an answer even when its grim. But the Oncologist has to get this out. He realizes that my mom is a smart woman. But she is putting herself through hell. Refusing any type of pain medication that will cloud her mindl. Is this madness of something that Buddhists admire?

A little background on my mom. She was born to a ballerina and a high ranking intelligence officer during the 1950's. Had a pick of any Ivy league and picked Brywn Mawr because it was the 70's. Degree in Chemistry, and was planning to get a phd but got married to my slighty degen electrician father. While her friends and relatives became doctors, board members and CEO's she started raising us and driving a minivan. You could say the Royal Tenebaums bore a resemblance.

Great blog man. Raw and powerful. Keep it up.

update?

March 2013

The warm water from the shower hits my face, keeping me awake after a seventy two hour stretch of no sleep. I just want this to be over already. I've had enough. Our stint as caretakers has taken so much away from me. I'm a walking zombie that responds on call to a new years squeeky horn. The cancer has spread to my mom's brain and she is starting to talk in gibberish and hallucinate. It's bad enough that Dad and I have to lift our mother to use the restroom. that she looks like a picture of someone from a concentration camp has left an imprint on my soul I want to go away. Those old black and white photos never seemed real until now.

This brings up another moral dilemna. Is it wrong to wish for your own mother to die? Partly to end her suffering of course, but partly for you to be able to heal. The past three nights we have stayed up drinking coffee and thinking that she would pass between 2-4am as her breathing became very shallow. Morning time would come and she would still be here, lingering, semi-concious. We take turns saying our goodbyes and saying prayers. I pray with her even though I'm agnostic just in case I guess. It does feel soothing.

In the two weeks prior to this my Mom finally accepted her fate. Now her job was to oversee that 1. She made it past C's birthday and 2. All of her affairs were in order. Number 2 entailed divying up her precious belongings to us kids mostly. I got her anniversary ring, which she told me to sell and use the money how I saw fit. There was also a constant stream of relatives and friends coming and going. "We love you and if there's anything you need let us know." You know they mean well by that but come up with something original so I don't have to here the same thing over and over and.....

My life and become a routine at that point. I took that shower at my house to get away and take a nap. When I got out of the shower I saw a text saying "get over here". Driving I thought "You ain't foolin me again." Luckily I made it just in time to watch Mom take her last breaths and go. I breathe a sigh of relief.

One thing I learned is that dying is big business. And even though there's money to be made, I feel that people involved in that business need to show a little empathy, no matter how big of a calloused heart they have to deal with the job. My dad and I called the nurse after my mom passed. A big bertha looking lady with a 90's style haircut with bangs and coke bottle glasses comes over within half an hour and confirms my mom is gone. What do you think the first thing that she does after that? Give us a pamphlet? Say she's sorry? That would be to collect all the drugs and destroy them. That's priority one from the DEA I guess. Can't even die in your own home without a three letter agency getting involved.

I jump in the car to make the 4.5 hour drive to see C. I get there and tell her what has happened. She knows her beloved Gammy has cancer and I had stopped her from visiting the last few weeks. She just smiles and talks about other stuff. I tell C that she will always be in our hearts. Didn't want to talk about a heaven type thing due to all the additional questions her mom and I would have to answer about something we don't really believe in.

I head back and see a ****load of Elk. I think I counted over 50. A few decide to wander onto the road because they are Elk and DGAF and in my tired state I have a near miss with one at 55mph. My phone is blowing up but I don't answer. I'm starting to feel guilt that I wanted my mom to die earlier this morning and now I will never see her again for my entire life. I finally make it home and collapse into my bed for a deep 16 hour sleep. No dreams, just rest. Catharsis doesn't happen overnight.

OP,

Firstly, thanks for sharing. You're writing is deep, emotional, and introspective. We have many things in common, all of which you've written about.

I'm sure this writing is partly therapeutic to you and I look forward (unfortunately?) to putting down on paper a very similar story of my own. I can't shake the feelings I still have..

Anyways, I'm looking forward to the next installment.

-P

Thanks and I'm glad you enjoy it. Just let it flow when you are ready. Will try and do another installment in the next couple days.

My condolences. Keep on truckin. Thx for sharing; good read.

3 years to the day that my last post left off from. Seems like a galaxy away. In three years I've fell in love, got married, had another child and had a divorce. Grew up I guess. In three years I still have my degenerate tendencies but they have gotten better. In three years, it's only every 6 months I blow a bunch of money I shouldn't instead of every month...."Time marches on never ending. Time keeps it own time."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbnZYf4sZ3A

I watched an old video of my mom and my daughter C. She was just a baby then, this took place 6 years ago and she was eating breakfast with my mother and L(C's mom). When I heard my mom's voice, I almost didn't recognize it. I've heard her raspy cancer voice when I've thought of her for the last 3 years.

It was a strange feeling when my wife and separated. For the first time in my life I felt I could say that I hadn't done anything wrong. No Cheating, didn't drink too excessively, no gambling. We just weren't made for one another. For so long I had always screwed up something good. It came as a shock that this would happen when you tried to do right.

It's an even greater shock when you are having a baby together. And you are begging for the rational thing. Stay together for a while and try. The advice that you get is typically terrible. Because everyone likes to give logical reasoning. But matters of the heart don't always make sense.

I had to move. Get out of a town that holds a lot of sadness and old memories. I'm currently living in between my two daughters so I can spend as much time with them. And the distance makes it easier to move on from my latest loss. I've been here about 6 months. "going through some changes"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtxL64ZNOgA

I pick up C tomorrow. Going to buy some flowers to plant. My life hasn't gone exactly as I've planned to this point, but no matter what I can be a good parent. I learned from the best.

Just saw you updated. Thanks for sharing again, you're a great writer.