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Old 07-27-2018, 02:58 AM   #2351
Tuma
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Re: Cause and effect

hi lapka. 'Claws and Purrrfect' is how i'm going to read the blog title from now on. ciao.
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Old 07-27-2018, 03:52 AM   #2352
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Re: Cause and effect

lapka - have you considered trying to summon Maxwell's demon and offering it a job at your windows?
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Old 07-27-2018, 11:54 AM   #2353
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Re: Cause and effect

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hi lapka. 'Claws and Purrrfect' is how i'm going to read the blog title from now on. ciao.
Connection with cats is especially *thumbs up* and made me smile.
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lapka - have you considered trying to summon Maxwell's demon and offering it a job at your windows?
That is basically kinda what I am trying to do. Clearly the completely correct demon would be better in terms of temperature regulations. I might think out some cool spells. It is a good night for some sorcery.
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What are the minimums? I don't mind heat as long as it drops overnight so you can sleep. Put your feet in a bucket with ice cold water, few drops of lavender or a fan and a really cold water spray gun and spray yourself. I've lived in hot places with no ac so I feel your pain. Hugs.
Tx Rexx. You get me. In the night it goes to 20 C but only for few hours. It remains around 30 C until 3 or 4 in the morning.

It is cool what you can do with a fan and a plastic bag of ice cubes. It is almost an AC.
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Old 07-29-2018, 04:03 PM   #2354
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Re: Cause and effect

Lazy days..... Didn't work-out except yoga with Rexx for too long. Slept for 16 hours today and did basically nothing else. Feeling sooooo good. Bought one too big watermelon. 11 kg. So tonight is watermelon party with neighbors.



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Old 07-29-2018, 07:17 PM   #2355
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Re: Cause and effect

More on fat and thin.

I completely agree with chop that any extreme weight deviation from norm is a sure sign of other problems.

I was pretty normal, by western standards you can even say skinny as a teenager. I clearly didn't like as I started to get some boobs and hips, but I was under 50 kg, so you really can't talk about any overweight then. My first "fat" phase started about a year after immigration. I was 17~18 and it correlated with a lot of problems in the family and with immigration. I mean.... things were not going well. The split between "normal" and my reality was huge. And food was just manifestation of that. That continued until I moved out into a student accommodation. There the weight just dropped basically by itself. In less than 6 month I went from 92 kg to 60. I think my default with food and exercise is pretty healthy. And the moment I stopped stuffing chocolate bars in my face to keep myself from losing it the weight just dropped. All my student life I was "normal". I didn't go at any point in my student time over 70 or under 50. (It is clearly a question what exactly is normal. And I wanted always, at every point in my life to lose this magic 5 kg that separate me from happiness, bliss, power, love and everything perfect. )

Then my first position in the industry and constant battle for being treated not worse than men. + Still this inner desire to be liked. And I started seriously to lose this 5 kg that separated me from being liked by everyone. But the thing is that this number 5 kg remained always the same. It didn't matter how much I already lost. And so I went in less than a year to 45. And 45 is anorectic for me. It was again a manifestation of other problems.

Being too thin has many many many parallels with being too fat:
- I stopped exercising in both states.
- I didn't look in the mirror in both states.
- I kinda lost this connection: this body is me.
- In both states I didn't want any sex, although for different reasons. At 45 my libido just disappeared. At 90 I found myself so disgusting that the thought of letting someone touch me was just unbearable.

But both states are also kind of different for mental state. Overeating or under-eating influences also mental state and in very direct way. Brain reacts to wrong nutrition and generally wrong life style. But it reacts a lot worse and crazier to starvation than to overeating. It makes sense because losing 30 kg from 60 would meant a death. Gaining 30 kg on 60 would meant that I am still perfectly fine. At 45 I got completely emotionally unstable. I cried whole time and food was everything. Now I have a TON of ideas and projects and things that I want to accomplish. At 45 all that went away. I got more paranoid, more unbearable to deal with. This emotional instability was a lot worse at 45 than at 90. At 90 I was a little bit like sedated. I was definitely not normal and the moments I didn't stuff my face with food for few hours I sooo was on the verge of completely losing it. But this craziness at 90 wasn't caused by food.

Male attention was never a problem. Tx god for the male libido that likes to fk thin and fat and everything between. But there are a lot of other problems with being outside of normal weight range.

Now I am for many years what I would call normal. But I have to keep close tabs, not even on calories or so, I never counted calories, but on my relationship with food. I try to be conscious why I am eating, how does it taste, does it taste at all, how does it smell, my environment, how food and the process of eating makes me feel. I binge sometimes. I compensate it with overexercising. But the thing for which I strive in this area, is to remain, what I would call normal. Some of you noticed that I have anxiety around certain food. It is true. It is still there from the anorectic times. If I have sweets at home my thoughts start to rotate around them. So I generally just don't buy any sweets. But I still eat desserts occasionally. I like food and want to continue to enjoy it in all varieties, including ice cream . But I don't want ever again my world to rotate only around food.

Right now I have a little challenge in this area. One girl from my friends circle lost a ton of weight in last year and weighs now 2 kg lighter than me. The challenge is to not let this fact influence my relationship with food.
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Old 07-30-2018, 09:49 AM   #2356
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Re: Cause and effect

I just want to say, I think it's pretty awesome to see how you are making all sorts of progress that can be evidenced in this blog (and this site in general). Starting to post pictures of yourself seemed like a big hurdle for you to overcome and now there is even one without a spoiler tag which is nice to see

I mostly lurk on this site, but I see you posting all over the threads I am interested in, so I somehow just stumbled upon your blog at some point. Keep up the good work!
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Old 07-30-2018, 10:19 AM   #2357
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Re: Cause and effect

That is a really cool goal. To not be bothered (or if you're bothered let it go to not affect your relationship with food), shows lots of self-awareness but also smart planning.
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Old 07-30-2018, 02:50 PM   #2358
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Re: Cause and effect

There are few fights my parents just never fought with me.

I could always go to sleep whenever I wanted. After staying few times past midnight I realized that there is nothing interesting happening and just went to bed when I felt tired.

I was never forced to eat something I didn't want. Often there was not much choice. But I always could just not eat a cooked normal meal that was always there. And sometimes there was choice, like I remember living for about a month from sandwiches consisting of two cookies with butter between. Not healthy. But I was so active, that all that was burned and somehow it didn't really hurt me.

I think it simplified a lot my life and life of my parents to just let me have my way in this stuff.
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Old 07-30-2018, 06:40 PM   #2359
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Re: Cause and effect

Lapka,

Nice job facing your fear of posting a pic. I totally get it. It made me smile to see your face.

It is interesting that the real you has already ousted my memories of previously imagining you as I read your posts. It is like watching a movie after you have read a book, you can't really go back to your original image of the characters again. But even though that is the case it seems like a perfect casting, which should be taken as a great compliment because my mental perception of you has always been as an attractive person.
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Old 07-31-2018, 02:07 AM   #2360
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Re: Cause and effect

Tx Johnny. Cause and effect your compliment.


One thing that was clear, is that people made their mental image of me and it will be different to the reality. It is ok and normal and good. I mean it would be like serious sorcery if someone could imagine me exactly like I am. It is still difficult to take a step away from this wish not to disappoint people. Your post makes it somehow in my head that it is ok to look different than image of me that the forum had.

Last edited by lapka; 07-31-2018 at 02:36 AM.
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Old 07-31-2018, 05:22 AM   #2361
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Re: Cause and effect

My mom is one of the strongest, smartest, most interesting and at the same time unhappiest, depressed and most miserable human beings that I know.

The more I think about it the more I am sure that the root of all her unhappiness is somewhen in the childhood internalized necessity to satisfy the expectation of the environment and to keep-up the facade that everything is fine. That is the root of the miserable marriage, the root of a tense relationship with me. And I mean..... How can you be truly happy if you never show yourself, if you always spend the energy to pretend that everything is fine.

I don't want to end like that. This blog is first time since my preschool age that I have a place where I don't have a feeling that I have to keep-up the facade.

I remember first year in the school. My first A-. It was a tragedy. I had to listen for many hours how I have a future as a cleaning lady and that I can already start to prepare by mopping the floor. I was 7 y.o. and it was not even b. It was A-. I learned very fast to hide my grades. So much energy spent where none should be.

My mom is ashamed of me. She is ashamed that I am not married, that I am not in medicine, that I have a lot of travelling in my job, that someone from the relatives earns more than me. She tries to hide all that. And at every family gathering she expects me to support her facade about me. It is complete crap.

I don't want to be at 70 miserable like my mom.
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Old 07-31-2018, 11:14 AM   #2362
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Re: Cause and effect

lapka,

Realizing stuff like that and spending a lot of time and energy figuring out how you will overcome your own upbringing (hers was presumably similar when it comes to these things) is precisely why I think you won't end up like your mom at 70.

Self-reflection and self-awareness are important, and you have those qualities. I think you will be fine
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Old 08-01-2018, 04:24 AM   #2363
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Re: Cause and effect

Tx. FabianCause and effect
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Old 08-01-2018, 04:32 AM   #2364
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Re: Cause and effect

If I don't have any problems I make myself some.

A car driver didn't look in my direction although he had to according to the rules and I was going so fast that a collision was unavoidable. Result: hair split break in my arm. Why again I am so ***** stupid? I mean I know how majority of car drivers are with rules.
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Old 08-01-2018, 12:47 PM   #2365
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Re: Cause and effect

Inspired by this one from LKJ
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This does seem like the biggest reason to STFU. We all have things we are basically aware of deep down but would rather stick our heads in the sand about. There's every chance that the wife would be hurt by the cheating but would be hurt even more by having negative suspicions absolutely confirmed so that she's not allowed to lie to herself anymore when that's what she would prefer.
.
I am so not a fan of lying to yourself. Whenever I am lying to myself it always always always ends-up in regrets. Lie right now I ate a package with 8 servings of kinder pingui only because I allowed myself to lie to myself in the supermarket, that I will have one bar of them occasionally. I feel disgusting and will have to run ca. 10 km in a freaking heat to spend the energy.

It is even more true in every complicated situation. The sum of positive and negative emotions over the time was always worse when I lied to myself. Boyfriends about whom I lied to myself, that they are gonna change, GA, relationship with my mom. I still do it. But the goal, the thing to strive for is not to lie to myself more skillfully, so that I don't catch myself, but to reduce this lying.

It is also for me absolutely unbearable to deal with people who lie to themself too much. It is habit that sucks you in. It is often in the first moment easier. And it is completely impossible to deal long term with suche people in a reasonable manner because it is impossible to establish the true view/opinion/meaning of them.

And in this case, if I would get aware that wife lies to herself and I care/have to deal with her, I soooooo gonna open her eyes, because I believe that that is the best for everybody involved.
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Old 08-01-2018, 02:34 PM   #2366
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Re: Cause and effect

^^ But it is hard. Even just to truly accept and let it sink-in that I lied to myself about a dude once again is hard. I mean.... Rationally I know that i did exactly that. But my brain tries to invent excuses. Mehhh. Thinking about how to make it easier to myself. It would totally help to have a third party confirm that I lied to myself with a more positive picture of this dude than the reality. Meeeehhhh Gonna run and pray that everything will fall into its place after 10 m run.
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Old 08-01-2018, 03:10 PM   #2367
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Re: Cause and effect

^^ my k seems to disappear occasionally. 10 m = 10 km
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Old 08-01-2018, 05:03 PM   #2368
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Re: Cause and effect

Oh no! Was your arm the only thing hurt? Hopefully there's no lasting damage.
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Old 08-01-2018, 07:33 PM   #2369
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Re: Cause and effect

Get better. That sucks. I stopped messing with motorcycles when I realized how people don't pay attention and with the phones... I just rather stay at the house.
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Old 08-01-2018, 08:03 PM   #2370
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Re: Cause and effect

Heal quickly and slow down on your bike. We all know you're superwoman, there's no need to prove it!
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Old 08-01-2018, 08:16 PM   #2371
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Re: Cause and effect

Ouch! Hope it heals fast.
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Old 08-02-2018, 12:42 AM   #2372
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Re: Cause and effect

Tx, guys. Luckily no damage beyond my arm and a bunch of bruises. This arm is my unlucky one. It was already broken once. Ts.... I don't think that there will be any long term damage. For now the main thing is that I have to continue to use it. I have to move it and use my fingers.

Running did also totally help with not thinking more about the dude and the situation. I don't know..... Brain is a funny thing. Majority of the time I am pretty fine and don't dwell on " MMeehehhh and I lied again to myself and he is such a butt and why is he so and why I am never falling or someone normal and should I ask him directly or should I not" But I bumped again into him yesterday and it started all this posts. Now I am fine again.

Last edited by lapka; 08-02-2018 at 12:48 AM.
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Old 08-02-2018, 08:27 AM   #2373
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Re: Cause and effect

Beggars on the train

I do give something when I see that people are really in a crappy spot or if they can offer some entertaining story.

Right now i could kick the butt of two beggars. A young pretty well nourished and well dressed woman went through. She didn't speak a word German. 3 min later a young dude with similar demeanour and a hand opened for coins went through. Both provoked a wave of aggression against them basically from everyone including me.

Begging is an art in itself. It requires at least some social skills to ask people for change or food so that they would want to give you something. A minimum requirement is to speak at least few words in their language and to appear genuine.
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Old 08-03-2018, 05:18 AM   #2374
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Re: Cause and effect

I have 5 days with ZERO like really completely zero stuff I have to do. No paperwork, nothing for my job, no obligations in the family. Do you understand how amazing is that?

So how will I extract the most fun of this 5 days?

Preliminary plan:
Spending a lot of time in a swimming pool, binge posting nonsense, two evenings salsa dancing, a TON of nano stakes poker, one evening inviting a bunch of people for dinner. How can I increase the fun level?

Right now i feel like a kitty that wants to jump and play and is totally high just from being alive.
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Old 08-05-2018, 04:54 AM   #2375
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Re: Cause and effect

It is remarkable how different can be a picture from someone just from the posting or if you get to know people closer.
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