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Old 07-06-2018, 01:39 AM   #2276
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Re: Cause and effect

I caved in and I have now a cleaning lady. Weird feeling. It makes totally sense rationally. It is only two hours every two weeks. Bathroom +help with ironing. I am gonna see if I like it. For now it makes me feel inadequate. I have a micro apartment and that I can't keep it myself spotless is kind of not so cool. And I actually like ironing. But somehow I am totally strapped for time.
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Old 07-06-2018, 10:12 AM   #2277
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Re: Cause and effect

Was addressed as mam first time in my life today. Now thinking either the woman is from USA or I am starting to look old. I have spent many months in England and Australia and was never mam
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Old 07-06-2018, 10:38 AM   #2278
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Re: Cause and effect

Having someone who comes regularly to clean is sooooo much better - feel like 1 million $. Wasn't able to convince my wife until we had a kid. Never got to experience it before kids but I bet it would feel like 1 billion $.

How old was the person who said "mam"? Ime if the person is pretty young they may just kind of call every woman that.
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Old 07-06-2018, 11:46 AM   #2279
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Re: Cause and effect

Getting ma'am-ed comes with being old hag. Just part of the package, I'm afraid. Are you sure you were really old hag before, if this is the first ma'am-ing? Have any small boys attempted to help you cross the street or offered to help carry your groceries?
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Old 07-06-2018, 12:05 PM   #2280
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Re: Cause and effect

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Originally Posted by The Yugoslavian View Post

How old was the person who said "mam"? Ime if the person is pretty young they may just kind of call every woman that.
Rather not. I would say about my age. She obviously tried to be very polite.

I can't remember anyone being addressed as ma'am in places where I have been in english speaking countries. That makes me think that may be that is USA thing. I have never been to USA.

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Getting ma'am-ed comes with being old hag. Just part of the package, I'm afraid. Are you sure you were really old hag before, if this is the first ma'am-ing? Have any small boys attempted to help you cross the street or offered to help carry your groceries?
Yeaaahhh!. I need to profit more from being ma'am-ed. Hm.... May be I could make small boys help me clean my apartment out of sheer respect. What else could small boys do?

I would say so between 25 and 30 I started to be an old hag. I have to make more of that.
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Old 07-06-2018, 12:40 PM   #2281
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Re: Cause and effect

Ha!
Since I was at the university and not in armed forces in England I didn't hear much ma'am-s. Probably in Australia is similar rare form.

"
In British English, ma'am has become uncommon, although it ought to be used when addressing the queen more than once: after first addressing her as Your Majesty, one uses ma'am, it is not however obligatory. The term is also sometimes still used in the armed forces and security services when addressing female superiors. Both ma'am and its full form madam are only rarely (far less commonly than in the US) used to express respect outside of these circumstances.
In American English, the full form madam is limited as a form of address to certain highly formal environments, while ma'am is the usual term. Ma'am is not often used in the other sense of madam, but as used as a polite form of address toward (for example, but not strictly limited to):
a female stranger presumed old enough to have children, particularly if older than the speaker,
a female customer one is serving,
one's mother,
a female teacher or school official in a school which emphasizes formality, or
a female superior in the military.
In the southern and southwestern US, ma'am is used to address any female, regardless of her age or position.
South African usage mirrors American English usage except that ma'am is not used to address one's mother.
In Pakistan and India, ma'am is used to address female teachers.
The usage of yes, ma’am connotes deference, particularly by one who has been scolded for misbehavior, but also in more friendly circumstances.

"
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Old 07-07-2018, 11:23 AM   #2282
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Re: Cause and effect

pull-ups pull-ups pull-ups.

Annoyed by the slowness of progress. Thinking what could I do to improve it. Possible points:
- food. I could eat before working out. I normally work-out fasted because I always run a little bit or do rope jumping and it is crap to run with food in your stomach. But may be it is good for strength improvement.
- do more. I didn't do anything last three days. Not good. May be do more often something with low intensity high reps. And 3 times a week something to the point of failing low rep.

I have kind of test run next week. A friend who didn't see me since I started that invited for run + work-out together. The dude is much much much better than me in physical exercise. We will do stuff on the outside bars, that include the monkey bars. I never in my life could do not even a single step on this monkey bars. I think now I can do a bunch of steps. And I am clearly curious if he will notice that my arms have changed. I am actually pretty happy with that.
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Old 07-07-2018, 02:42 PM   #2283
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Re: Cause and effect

Food or fasted shouldn't make a strength difference. It very well could make a mental one and it does make you slightly heavier which makes it slightly harder to do one.

If you are frustrated with progress I really recommend finding and following a set program. You know many if not all the types of things that help but you seem to do them somewhat randomly. Pretty much all the posters in h&f who achieve anything in lifting pretty carefully follow some sort of plan/programming. Even loco and cha, who base a decent amount of their program on how they feel, still are sticking to a plan.
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Old 07-07-2018, 05:17 PM   #2284
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Re: Cause and effect

Hey, Yugo. Tx for the advice. Will take it. I looked into few. But they all seemed so slow that I thought: I can do it faster on my own. But the truth is, that would I followed through with one of "slow" things I would be already there.
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Old 07-07-2018, 05:32 PM   #2285
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Re: Cause and effect

Super super super good mood.

One of the things I firmly believe, is that whatever happens in live is always for the best. Especially in human connections of all kind. It includes friendship and love.
I seem to have a pretty good judgment when I choose my friends. At least it is loooooong time in the past that someone of them has disappointed me. In the love department it is kind of opposite. But! Whenever I make poor decisions they somehow dissolve themself before it becomes life changing catastrophe. And somehow I can't remember last time I got seriously depressed or blue because of a guy. Probably because there are so many cool interesting guys in the world. Had a cool cool cool interesting date. *jump jump jump*. *excited and hoping for continuation* Would the druggie dude not stick his head in the sand, I wouldn't have had this date today. So all is good how it is.

I don't know......Somehow generally everything pretty good right now.
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Old 07-07-2018, 09:13 PM   #2286
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Re: Cause and effect

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Old 07-08-2018, 04:24 AM   #2287
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Re: Cause and effect

Fat

I often could kick many of the guys here for disparaging remarks direction "fat". I mean... I have a very disturbed relationship with "fat" and "thin" and "pretty" and "ugly" and body image and such. And such remarks definitely make the dysfunctionality of this worse.

But on the other side I am definitely judgmental in this department myself. Saw today in a grocery store a very young and very big girl with huge amount of soda. Thoughts: "Don't show me your picture, show me your grocery shopping cart. Tx god I am not this way".
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Old 07-08-2018, 02:31 PM   #2288
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Re: Cause and effect

Procrastinating....

I need to finish one email today. It is not much, I know more or less what I want to say, but it has to be good. The formulations need to be clear. Spelling and grammar need to be perfect. The email is important.

Instead of working on this email I am playing poker, surfing the internet and contemplating to eat something although I already had my dinner.

I need somehow to reduce the importance of this email in my brain. I mean.... What is the worst case response I will get? Worst case is that nothing in my life will change. Can I live with that? Yepp.

Sooooo.......... go me go!
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Old 07-09-2018, 07:21 AM   #2289
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Re: Cause and effect

I am a PLO fish on a heater. Need to find way to track hands on the phone and to track unibet at all. Tracking is kind of very practical even without HUD.

I have PT on laptop and although I don't use even half of its abilities, it is still very convenient. But currently I play basically only when travelling. So something for the phone would be cool .

Need to really invest some time into research of tracking stuff.
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Old 07-09-2018, 08:33 PM   #2290
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Re: Cause and effect

I like being called sir (but it's rare)

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Old 07-10-2018, 04:19 AM   #2291
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Re: Cause and effect

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I like being called sir (but it's rare)
Will keep it in mind, sir. Cause and effect
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Old 07-10-2018, 04:39 AM   #2292
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Re: Cause and effect

My mom once again.

I have to travel for few weeks to India. I told that to her. She said nothing but started to talk in voice of a dying swan. To my question " mom, what is wrong? You have such tortured voice? " her response " what should I be happy about? You have again to travel. You are not here around. You are not married. You are so alone. What will happen with you when I die" . ( it absolutely doesn't help to explain to her that I am pretty satisfied with my job and my social life right now). I exploded. Once again I am made responsible for her emotional state. And the thing Is that there is no line which I could take to make her happy. In such moments I want to have her out of my life. In such moments I hate her. It is pressure from which I can't escape. I can run away to the other side of the globe and she still sucks my life out of me.

It is very hard to explain. I would without any hesitation die if it would improve her life just a tiny bit. But there is no way for me to improve the situation. And it is so unbearable for me that I just want not to have to talk to her.
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Old 07-10-2018, 06:16 AM   #2293
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
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My mom once again.

I have to travel for few weeks to India. I told that to her. She said nothing but started to talk in voice of a dying swan. To my question " mom, what is wrong? You have such tortured voice? " her response " what should I be happy about? You have again to travel. You are not here around. You are not married. You are so alone. What will happen with you when I die" . ( it absolutely doesn't help to explain to her that I am pretty satisfied with my job and my social life right now). I exploded. Once again I am made responsible for her emotional state. And the thing Is that there is no line which I could take to make her happy. In such moments I want to have her out of my life. In such moments I hate her. It is pressure from which I can't escape. I can run away to the other side of the globe and she still sucks my life out of me.

It is very hard to explain. I would without any hesitation die if it would improve her life just a tiny bit. But there is no way for me to improve the situation. And it is so unbearable for me that I just want not to have to talk to her.
I'm sorry your mom was horrible to you again. Chop covers this sort of situation below, but when your mom starts sounding like a dying swan, the worst possible response is for you to ask what's wrong. It rewards her passive aggressive behavior and gives her exactly what she wants. And it punishes you because you invite her to say to you all those things that you never want to hear again, but you know she is going to say 100% of the time.

Next time she sounds like a dying swan, just ignore her and get off the phone rather than giving her incentive to keep doing it, or use the script that chop has offered to write out for you to explicitly tell her why her behavior is unacceptable. She is never going to change how she treats you unless you make that her only option.
Quote:
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OK, time for a little tough love.

You do know how to escape.

You do know how to make her stop (or at least reduce the behavior).

Your resistance is met with drama because you have taught her and you continue to reinforce to her that her drama overcomes your resistance.

You didn't have to listen to anything, you chose to. You could have hung up the phone at any time. Don't make excuses.

You feel helpless/powerless because you let her treat you like this while refusing to acknowledge you don't have to. Once you stop allowing her to treat you like this, you will no longer feel helpless, you will feel strong and empowered. It will not be easy or fun to do this because you have trained her for a long time to treat you like this, and you have trained her to escalate her behavior when you put up resistance, and you have trained her that you will eventually fold to escalated behavior if she just escalates enough.

If you want her to stop treating you like this, you need to stop training her to treat you like this, and train her to treat you differently.

Every time you give her what she wants when she treats you in a way you don't want to be treated, you are explicitly reinforcing to her that she should continue to treat you that way in order to get what she wants. What this accomplishes is entrenching her further and further in these behaviors.

Not much sympathy for you here. This situation is of your own making and sustaining via reinforcement. If you didn't know you were doing it, that would be different, but you do know.


The good news is that you can change this.

People respond to incentives.

If you want her current behavior to change, stop providing her with incentives to maintain the existing behavior. Start providing her with incentives to adopt better behavior. It will absolutely get worse at first (your own fault - because you have been training her to treat you like this, she will likely initially assume she just needs to escalate even further to get what she wants as that is what has worked for her in the past) but eventually it will get better if you stay consistent, welcoming, and maintain the healthier incentive structure.

What she wants is your attention. She wants your attention more than she wants to treat you in a specific way. She treats you the way she treats you because it has worked for her and continues to work for her to get her the attention she wants from you. If how she treats you stops working because you stop rewarding it with attention while at the same time you are presenting a healthier alternative for how to treat you which results in her receiving attention, she will eventually switch to that alternative because something is far better than nothing.

Explain to her that you're going to change your behavior, explain exactly what is going to change, then change your behavior. Do not fold to escalation from her, maintain the new incentive structure, and eventually things will likely improve.

When she initially complains about how horrible you are, tell her you're sorry to hear she feels that way, but you're not going to allow her to keep treating you badly, and if she wants to have a healthy relationship, she needs to stop treating you badly. Then follow thru and don't buckle. When it feels difficult to handle, remind yourself that the reason she is doing this is because you have trained her to do it.

It will not be easy. It will not be fast. It will not be fun. But eventually she will very likely change her behavior because her need for attention from you will overcome her prior training from you to treat you badly to get it. Especially when you respond well to her engaging in healthier behavior by rewarding it with attention.



It won't be easy, fast, or fun, but you can almost certainly fix this.

Last edited by gregorio; 07-10-2018 at 06:39 AM.
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Old 07-10-2018, 07:03 AM   #2294
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Re: Cause and effect

Tx Greg.

You are completely right. I thought what would I say if someone else had posted that. And it is the question: " why the heck did you ask her what is wrong? What did you think you will get as answer?"

Chop is also clearly right. But it is hard to catch every instance, where I should change my part of the script. And it doesn't work instinctively. I have to become conscious of central points to change them.

I stopped calling her after she gives me guilt trips. It helped a little bit. I have to stop to react emotionally, stop trying to emphatize when I hear/see that she is in a bad place. It sounds harsh because she is really depressive and really physically unwell. But the thing Is that it never helps, when I am trying to help. It only leads to complete emotional storm also on my side.
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Old 07-11-2018, 05:34 PM   #2295
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Re: Cause and effect

Am dead. Was running with a friend, who is 2,05m high and super sporty. He does 1 km in 4 min. My 1 km time is 6 min and that on the tread mill. I have to do three steps on his one. Today we run 5 km outside. He totally killed me. But feels super good. On my own I never push myself so hard.
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Old 07-11-2018, 06:10 PM   #2296
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Re: Cause and effect

We use "tall" when describing height, so 2,05m "tall" instead of "high." Don't get me started on lolEuros using a decimal comma instead of a decimal point.
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Old 07-12-2018, 12:32 AM   #2297
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Re: Cause and effect

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We use "tall" when describing height, so 2,05m "tall" instead of "high." Don't get me started on lolEuros using a decimal comma instead of a decimal point.
Cause and effect tx. I was thinking "big? Nah. What he isn't it is big. What could I use to describe height? And somehow tall didn't pop-up on the surface of my mind"
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Old 07-12-2018, 03:22 AM   #2298
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Re: Cause and effect

I'm taking a summer course in introductory special relativity, and yesterday I got stuck on what seemed to be a very simple/basic question and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why, even after a fairly long time. Just now I was about to write to you asking for help, but then I noticed what I had done wrong in my excel calculation! I had calculated 1/gamma, not gamma, silly Fabian.

Thanks for indirectly helping me solve this problem
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Old 07-12-2018, 11:53 AM   #2299
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Re: Cause and effect

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Originally Posted by Fabian View Post
I'm taking a summer course in introductory special relativity, and yesterday I got stuck on what seemed to be a very simple/basic question and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why, even after a fairly long time. Just now I was about to write to you asking for help, but then I noticed what I had done wrong in my excel calculation! I had calculated 1/gamma, not gamma, silly Fabian.

Thanks for indirectly helping me solve this problem
*thumbs* it is interesting stuff. Sadly exclusively in non-industrial research.
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Old 07-12-2018, 05:35 PM   #2300
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Re: Cause and effect

Sitting since 3 hours and trying to press the send button for an email. Feeling: as long as I don't press send I am still in control. With sending it out I am losing control.

Sooooooooooooo. In the next 5 min I will send it and post here that I did it.
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