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Old 02-13-2018, 11:44 AM   #1851
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Re: Cause and effect

Somehow I have a feeling, that it would be a good idea to post here some kind of picture of myself.......

Heading now to the gym, a longer post on this totally strange feeling follows.
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Old 02-13-2018, 01:33 PM   #1852
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Re: Cause and effect

One of the reasons that I like it here is that I can post exactly what goes on through my head, even if it is not so consistent, changes a lot and makes weird jumps.


One thing that is on my long term to do list , is to reread this blog from the beginning. Somehow alone the thought of that makes me cringe.
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Old 02-14-2018, 01:35 AM   #1853
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Re: Cause and effect

Looks, pictures and pull-ups.

I had pretty often here a thought that I should post some kind of picture of me here. But somehow it is very high threshold for me.

I think it is obvious that I am very insecure. I thought yesterday about " how comes ". The stakes here are basically zero. Even if everyone will hate my picture it won't change my life. I had here in my whole 2+2 history only three situations, where I was really really happy not to have anything visual of me connected to here. If I try to evaluate me objectively, I think I am pretty average. 99% of people here are normal. I mean I have seen reactions to rj or Josie, so I don't think I would get any to bad trolling. But I am still insecure. It is the same in rl.

I am completely sure that it goes on my mom. She is really never happy with the way I look. Her reasoning is that she tries to better me by criticizing. But it leaves my self worth a lot more in shambles than any disparaging comments from someone else.

And I know it is childish. And at my age I should just relax. .....

Anyway I decided, that if I manage this pull-up thing, I will put a vid of that here. It will be something visual of me and kind of a little brag. And most important, hopefully it will motivate me.

I have started and cancelled this project three times last year. It was every time the same: I get to 35 or max 40 kg and I stagnate. After 3 to 4 weeks with zero improvement I drop the whole thing.

The change I am trying to implement this time is that I try to incorporate more of this pulling movement in my daily life. I put this sling in my door and do a set of 10 pulls every time I go through the door. Hopefully it will help. Trainer at the gym means that I should have more patience. But since that is not my strong side I will try it with more heart.
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Old 02-16-2018, 12:01 AM   #1854
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Re: Cause and effect

Somehow still everything basically pretty good. i am checking whole the time, if that what I have now is "manic". But it feels super good, and somehow it is not so that I am not sleeping, rather the opposite. Fall into my bed every day at 10 pm like I am dead. Und at least till now managed not to make any too nonsense decisions. So whatever it is I take it.

Am going next week for few weeks on a business/life purpose finding trip in Kasachstan. I have revived few of my high school contacts, and somehow through the complicated network and a lot of skyping they managed to get me to a conference there. It is really funny.... you would think that with conference fees of 600 Euro they are happy to have everyone who is willing to pay it. Hell no!

Otherwise everything is pretty good.
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Old 02-16-2018, 09:26 AM   #1855
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Re: Cause and effect

Tabatas are a killer.Cause and effect

I already mentioned that I am in a girl's gym. So goals like pull-up up or something like that ate rather rare there. Correspondingly is a reaction from trainer " yeah... It is really difficult for woman..yeah you do a little bit of this and a little bit of that, but you have to be patient.." I exploded directly there. The dude is paid to be a trainer and not to be a chatty bar girl. I expect from him some kind of metric that measures how far I am and a clear plan how to improve. I told him exactly that and not very friendly. The dude got pouty at the comparison with chatty bar girl. I added some pressure. Then he finally got pissed off and started to kick my butt through tabatas for upper body. He almost made me cry. But only almost ;Cause and effect. And I feel good right now. I want more. It is definitely somehow on the masochistic level.... But coooool
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Old 02-18-2018, 03:51 AM   #1856
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Re: Cause and effect

Posting is gonna be light in the next days. But I am alive and kicking. Somehow still kind of .... I don'T know .... kind of manic? But manic only with positive side from manic. At least sleep is fantastic and managed not to make any too dumb decisions yet. It is just everything is wonderful. Even with my mom everything is good on a cool non-dramatic level.

Life please stay this way.

Last edited by lapka; 02-18-2018 at 04:09 AM. Reason: GOD! When will I finally learn to/too?
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Old 02-19-2018, 11:49 AM   #1857
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Re: Cause and effect

I'm not sure if it's helpful but my wife worked up to 3 pullups over a year or so doing pullups with bands and on a pullup machine where you can do less than bodyweight.

Do you have access to either? I believe being able to do the actual movement is going to make progress much faster rather than trying to do partials or hangs or other stuff.

You want to do the movement a bunch and your body will get better at recruiting muscles at the right times throughout it.

Whatever you do the most important thing is to get on some sort of real program so you know what kind of work to put in daily/weekly. You can for sure get this goal and I know my wife was super excited when she reached it. On our honeymoon, we were in Sicily and there was a pullup bar at some urban park next to the ocean. Some local guys were doing pullups. So then I went up and did something like 15 and they seemed somewhat impressed. But then my wife did 3, without any assistance and even though they didn't know English they came up and all gave her high fives and smiles. They were very impressed and I think she felt pretty badass (which it was).
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Old 02-19-2018, 01:09 PM   #1858
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Re: Cause and effect

^^

Tx. it is helpful. And it is sooooooo in the right moment. I am sitting and contemplating to go or not to go to a training. And clearly now I am going. The thing is that I am super impatient and have kind of low frustration tolerance, when I see no way somehow to get better. It makes me jumping in triangles, when I don't see any progress for few weeks and then from sheer frustration I drop it.

I do have access to all machinery and actually to a trainer, who I THOUGHT SHOULD SOMEHOW MAKE A PLAN. The only thing the dude did till the last time was saying things about how hard pull-ups are for women.

I probably need to compare him more to the girls, so that he actually does something useful. But I think I made enough feet stomping, that they will find at least one trainer in the team, who will actually make a plan and will from time to time kick my butt.

The thing right now is that 45 is my absolute absolute limit. I can pull-up 45 kg, but only one time, and it is really limit. But..... when I go down.... it is not so that I can make 10 pull-ups with 35. Down to 20 I can do only 4 max 5. The thing that fails first are my underarms. Grrrrrrrr........ enough bla. I am gone.

Tx. Yugo. Today's training is happening only because of your post.
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Old 02-19-2018, 01:16 PM   #1859
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Re: Cause and effect

Specific #s are essentially irrelevant at this point. You gotta do a bunch of reps. So if that's at 10kg or 20kg or 10lbs or 5lbs or whatever, do that. Then add reps and add weight and see progress.

And, also, 45kg seems pretty solid. I mean, that has to be the majority of what you actually weigh so it is not like you are completely out of range. You just need an actual program with gradual progress.

Anyway, glad the post was accidentally well timed!
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Old 02-21-2018, 03:50 PM   #1860
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Re: Cause and effect

Difficult decisions.......
Have to think to just formulate the problem......
I kind of have/want to be at two different places at the same time. It is like always with difficult decisions.... : conflicting motivations. I have to find a way to say "no" to one of the alternatives and still feel good.

But first I will go to the gym. May be that will set my mind straight.
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Old 02-22-2018, 04:56 PM   #1861
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Re: Cause and effect

Life is sooooooooo unpredictable.... You really never know what will lead to which outcome. I am still pretty high/manic.... So many things about which i am high

One of which is travelling to Karaganda. It will be so coool to see people, whom I didn't see for 25 years. karaganda is exiting on so many levels.

I am sorry that I seem not to be able to put together a longer text with some sense in it. But like always this blog is pretty good mirror of what is going on in my head.
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Old 02-23-2018, 10:46 AM   #1862
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Re: Cause and effect

I am grateful for:

Being old. Result of being old is emotional stability, ability to relax in many situations, prioritizing things very differently than even few years ago, ability just take things/ situations as they come.

Not being depressed. I have right now so much fun from life. And I do realize that it is all in my head. I could be in identical situation and completely miserable.

Having my GA daemon completely under control. The latest debacle in the babs' thread made me think about how many similarities I have with him and what exactly did help myself to get grip on that. I think in the midst of the worst episode I would rather die than get my parents involved in the situation. And that in turn made me so really really feel, not only understand on rational level, that it doesn't work like that.

Being despite my old age and a bunch of stupid things I did to my body in pretty good health. I remember ..... At 14 or so I dipped my toes into cutting and did a variety of other dumb stuff. I am sooo˛ grateful that I have no long term consequences from this period.

For fun I have now.
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Old 02-23-2018, 01:59 PM   #1863
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Re: Cause and effect

I already mentioned few times, that I am somewhere on the autistic spectrum. I am functional, that means that I do deal somehow more or less well with social situations, but don't do it intuitively like most people. I have to learn it like people do with math. And it doesn't stop to surprise me how this things work. Here two situations that were for me difficult to solve. Both situation are in the past. That means for any advice is to late. But all contributions are appreciated. May be I can do it better in the future.

1. Job related. I do have ongoing a project, where I support a guy with some data evaluation. I did first round based on the info he gave me. He presented it to his client and it came out that his client wanted something completely different. The guy called me and got totally pissed-off with me, although I did exactly work the info he himself gave me previously. I had such an impulse to tell him everything I think in this moment. Instead I said that I am sorry, it is entirely my fault and I will clearly redo it again with updated info. I did it and was inwardly whole time cooking that I shouldd have said to him everything I thought. Buuuuut..... Now that things have calmed down, this guy feels guilty. He apologized and made me seriously good offer for this work. I could never predicted that. I would never be able to think so few steps in advance. It was pure luck that I didn't stomp my feet immediately.

2. A friend tells that he lost 1 k last night. How do I react? It is probably a little bit to much to say " a friend". A guy whom I would like to know better / perspective friend. For now he doesn't make an impression that he has a gambling problem. He said it also pretty much as a matter of fact thing, without showing a lot of emotions. Again.... how do I react?
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Old 02-23-2018, 05:15 PM   #1864
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Re: Cause and effect

re: 1, think of how MLY would react and do the opposite, which sounds like what you did.

In that situation I wouldn't admit it was my fault if it wasn't, but I'd say something like, "I'm sorry that wasn't what you wanted. What would you like me to do instead?" Or if it was obvious from his complaint what he wanted: "I'm sorry that wasn't what you wanted. I can redo it and have it ready for you in a couple of days."

re: 2, I'd go with something simple like "that sucks," and then shut up. If he's just relating that info as a matter of fact thing and doesn't want to talk about it, he'll reply, "Yeah," and then we'd leave it at that. If he wants to talk about it, he'll keep talking, and I'd just add some stuff like "wow," "really?" "wow that sucks" until he's done or asks me a question.

Last edited by gregorio; 02-23-2018 at 05:21 PM.
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Old 02-25-2018, 11:22 PM   #1865
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Re: Cause and effect

^^ gregorio, Have you tried a career as a life coach? I think you would have some success with your patience and always on point answers to the difficult questions of life.

In other news: stomping my feet in frustration. Tweaked my back in the plane. Tried to continue here with pull-ups. Not possible. Or..... rather possible, but not smart due to back pain. Annoyed.

What is especially unjust in that, is that I have a good friend. He is skinny, very thin guy 10 years younger than me. He is always bin like that. Never did much sports. A LOT less than me. But...... he got somehow onto freeletics train about a year ago(basically doing a bunch of basic work-outs without a gym) 2 month later he did the freaking pull-ups! 2 MONTH of mediocre effort!

Stomping my feet!

Last edited by lapka; 02-25-2018 at 11:23 PM. Reason: one day I will learn english: plain=/=plane :D
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Old 02-26-2018, 05:22 AM   #1866
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Re: Cause and effect

Life coach/pimp, both could work.
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Old 02-26-2018, 05:45 AM   #1867
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rexx14 View Post
Life coach/pimp, both could work.
Isn't that kind of the same thing?
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Old 02-26-2018, 08:21 AM   #1868
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Re: Cause and effect

I'm actually a pimp coach
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Old 02-26-2018, 12:33 PM   #1869
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Re: Cause and effect

It's soooooooooo much easier for a guy to do a pullup due to upper body strength. Any non super fat man should be able to do at least one with *no* training imo. Well, or like, a day of training.

So that is completely comparing apples to oranges.
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Old 02-26-2018, 02:03 PM   #1870
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Yugoslavian View Post
It's soooooooooo much easier for a guy to do a pullup due to upper body strength. Any non super fat man should be able to do at least one with *no* training imo. Well, or like, a day of training.

So that is completely comparing apples to oranges.
That is soooooo crap annoying. I am so not used to putting an effort in and getting nothing. I mean I am slightly better than I was when I started the whole thing the first time last year. But it is GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. And especially I am not used that a completely normal dude totally beats me with such an ease. That is soooooooo ........ Grrrrrrrrrr. I mean.... Rationally I understand..... I have a lot heavier butt than he does and that is the killer for pull-ups and he struggles the same way I do with pull-ups with basic salsa step - something for what I needed about 10 min.

Grrrrrrr...... Going to channel the "Grrrrrrrrrrr" right now in some kind of upper body work-out. I have to be careful to not make my back worse, but I can do something instead of slowly simmering.
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Old 02-26-2018, 05:44 PM   #1871
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Re: Cause and effect

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Old 02-27-2018, 05:05 PM   #1872
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Re: Cause and effect

Karaganda. Huge difference to Germany: No one shovels the snow. Pay attention to the small roof full of snow on the side of the house. That is an entry to the cellar. One of my favorite games at age 6~8 was climbing on such roof and jumping down. It just didn't get boring.

There are a lot of this kind of apartment complexes in former UdSSR. They had been built around 60s~70s and are called Chrushevka. Poorly build, usually very small: the norm was 9 m^2 per person, apartments were still a blessing at that time of chronical shortage of housing. They are called Chrushevka because Nikita Sergeyevich Khrushchev, then the head of the UdSSR, ordered to solve housing crisis in this way. I grew-up in such two room Chrushevka.

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Old 02-28-2018, 05:54 AM   #1873
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Re: Cause and effect

On having a crush....

I.... I do really really rare fall for someone. You know this teenagerlike falling with butterflies and so. I don't know why.... it is not so that I am particularly choosey. I mean... I like smart. About 90 % of men around me do fall into this category. I like nice. Again the majority of this smart men are nice. I have a pretty wide variety in the looks I like in men. I have no clue why don't I have crushes more often.

Anyway.... I have right now one. For a guy with whom the whole thing has zero future+ we don't really know each other. But smart and nice is here definitely applicable.

I mean.... I clearly understand that not really knowing him is a big part in this crush. I projected everything I like on the white space in the image of him I have. That it has so completely zero future probably plays also a big role.

The question is what to do with all that? I have right now Very conflicting impulses.
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Old 02-28-2018, 08:37 AM   #1874
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Re: Cause and effect

It is big deal the culture in a company. I have worked to this day only in western companies. Some had clients in Asia/ India, but the atmosphere was determined by the culture of the head. Have here( in kasachstan) few interviews/ meetings in a very different cultural circle. Have to adjust heavily. Upbringing in Kazakhstan helps. It is also very unusual for me to have some kind of professional introduction organised solely through private contacts. I need to switch smoothly between professional and private lapka. And both are very different personalities.
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Old 02-28-2018, 10:52 AM   #1875
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Re: Cause and effect

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