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Old 12-07-2017, 12:09 PM   #1726
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Re: Cause and effect

I couldn't find any docu in english on Karlag.

wiki
"Karlag (Karaganda Corrective Labor Camp, Russian: Карагандинский исправительно-трудовой лагерь, Карлаг) was one of the largest Gulag labor camps, located in Karaganda Oblast (now Karaganda Region), Kazakh SSR, USSR. [1] About 800,000 inmates served in total in Karlag over its history.[2]"

The city, where I am from, Karaganda, grew from a huge lager for forced labor that started around 1928~1930 of last century. Kasachstan has a lot of natural resources and to get them the soviet regime organized there this lager for forced labor. My grand-grand parents where deported there at the beginning of WW2 as german descendants to prevent any possible collaboration with germans. My grand-grand-father had spent 10 years in this lager. Food ration was 800 gr of bread per day per person and a bowl of watery cabbage soup. He smoked last years of his life, but he told that in this lager he didn't smoke. Smokers changed their bread for tobacco and died very fast. On another side my grandma had 12 siblings. Only two of them survived. One area of work were coal mines. Everyone older than 14 had to work and few of her siblings had to work in this coal mine. The big problem was that they had no protection against coal dust and usually just after a year lung fibrosis (lungs get saturated with coal dust and become hard) was the result. Three of this siblings died from this.

How many destroyed lives!
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Old 12-07-2017, 03:04 PM   #1727
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Re: Cause and effect

I've eaten both goat's milk cheese and actual goat, but plain goat's milk seems gross and I can't imagine a scenario in which I would drink it.

Have you read Solzhenitsyn? I never read Архипела́г ГУЛА́Г, and read Оди́н день Ива́на Дени́совича Odin den' Ivana Denisovica so long ago I barely remember it, but I'm not sure if I could bear to read it anymore. I just can't comprehend how stuff like that happens in real life. Here are some English links about Karlag:
https://thediplomat.com/2017/05/dark...lag-heartland/
https://onesteppeatatime.wordpress.c.../05/15/karlag/
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Old 12-08-2017, 10:51 AM   #1728
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Re: Cause and effect

I have read both. Archipelag GULAG was boring. Probably would see it now differently since was very young when reading it first time. Odin den' Ivana Denisovica is totally different. It is about how my grandma described it. I remember her telling as a matter of fact how huge of the problem was to get old clothes for diapers and then to dry them (my dad was born, when she was in this lager). I think it is also very difficult to translate it and to understand, if you never experienced nothing even close to that.

For example I am pretty sure that no one from USA#1 or Canada ever used Footwraps (=Портянки). May be some guys from eastern Europe. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Footwraps In Russia they were extremely common. I think in the military they are used to this day. It is an art in itself to put them on, so that there will be no wrong folds and you will get no blisters.

Or the level of cold, where your feet freeze to the level that it is incredibly painful to warm them up again. If you know how that feels, it puts a different perspective on the importance and advantages of Valenki https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valenki compared with leather boots.
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Old 12-08-2017, 01:59 PM   #1729
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Re: Cause and effect



Starting with 8:20 it is in english. It is blog of a russian woman living in Texas and this one is her cooking russian food for her american irish BF. Based on his feedback HT should have followed my suggestion for Thanksgiving dish. Everyone likes Shuba.
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Old 12-09-2017, 09:44 AM   #1730
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Re: Cause and effect

Have you ever been in Hell?

Many here have. Good thing in writing things down is that it forces me to articulate, what exactly right now is so terrible.

I am in the middle of legal action between me and one of my former employer and it looks like my lawyer made a mistake. It is probably correctable, but right now I have three very unpleasant letters to deal with. They suck the life out of me right now.

What is the worst case scenario.... It will cost me few k and enormous amount of nerves. I can do it. I mustn't make any mistakes now.

I will scan the letters and send a copy to my lawyer. Then I will call him and talk through steps for monday.

edit and then I will run like from tiger that is chasing me.

Last edited by lapka; 12-09-2017 at 09:58 AM.
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Old 12-09-2017, 03:25 PM   #1731
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Re: Cause and effect

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I was pretty sure that no one here ever tried Kumys.
oh ye of little faith
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Old 12-10-2017, 08:26 AM   #1732
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Re: Cause and effect

You did! I remember it as a child, it tasted horrible, but grown-ups seemed to like it.

In other news after some sleep and making some plans the situation with my lawsuit seems a lot less desperate. At least I have now a plan what I am going to do. My brain is a really good example of how little being happy, not anxious, looking forward to life depends on the actual real situation. I mean nothing changed around me since yesterday. Yesterday I was thinking of disappearing from the earth and today everything is kind of normal stress, stress that I can deal with.
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Old 12-10-2017, 01:20 PM   #1733
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Re: Cause and effect

I often wonder how do people survive without education and somehow the ability to navigate in modern bureaucracy. I mean..... I am able to read and understand complicated letters written in formal bureaucratic language. Majority of population would just throw this letters in the trash. And it is big deal. Right now I worked basically complete weekend on this law suit stuff together with my lawyer. The difference between throwing this letters in the trash and actually reading them and reacting accordingly is low 5 figures sum + a lot of problems. I hate that I have to deal with that. It is hard for me. And I really wonder how do people survive, who not only hate it, but are just not able to do it. It is hard. I have huge respect for all lawyers, who do it for living. It is a really crappy job.
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Old 12-10-2017, 06:29 PM   #1734
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Re: Cause and effect

Recycling russian way. Cool knife from old bicycle chain. No. I am not going to try and repeat it. Just found the vid so cool.
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Old 12-12-2017, 09:10 PM   #1735
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Re: Cause and effect

I am so grateful for this place. I know that I shared more than enough info about me to troll the **** out of me. I am really grateful that the only things I received here was support and very gentle feedback.

I have looked in german space agency for opportunities to work for them. Since I have recently revived my contacts in Kasachstan (tx Chop. It is funny, but it comes from your speakspipe in Kasach )), I might as well look on Baikonur. It is probably not realistic to get there something since I have only german citizenship and space flight is kind of strategic thing. But looking into it couldn't hurt.
Or I could look for a job in Karaganda in mining industry. It is more realistic especially since I have a lot of experience in mining industry and good references. And who knows what is better for my quality of life. May be Kasachstan will give me some sense of purpose in life.

Another thing that I am doing and that is kind of interesting is that I do read-up and collect info on various recipes and potions from mushrooms and herbs. Recipes is self explaining. I mean I look how to use things in food. And with potions I look how to use things to achieve certain effects. I already prepare and use Valerian and Leonurus potions as mild sedative. It works pretty well and doesn't have side effects of many prescribed sleeping pills.
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Old 12-14-2017, 03:51 PM   #1736
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Re: Cause and effect

Run 10 km. That is a rare one for me. My normal is 5 km.

I am miserable 60% of the time. Good moments are lectures and generally interaction with students, sleep, and if I exercise (running or yoga)> 1 hour it gives me about 1 hour of feeling normal. I have completely neglected dancing for longer than I wanted.

It is still very unexpected for me that I like to deal with students. I don't really understand it.

Reasons for the blues:

- It is dark. I have general seasonal decrease in my mood.
- There is a lot of new/unknown stuff happening in my life. And since I am more on the asperger spectrum, it is stressful for me just because it is something unknown, something outside a routine.
- I have to take meds that have a bunch of side effects.
- I don't see nothing to strive for. This illusion of sense of life that everyone makes for them-self.... Somehow it is not there. I don't know how to find it.
- I think to much about death. It is not suicidal ideation like when I was depressed. I am not suicidal. Just a general feeling of fleetingness of life.

ways to deal

- More Christmas decoration and lights
- Be conscious in every moment of miserability, that it comes to big extend from the feeling of unknown. Repeat to myself that I am not gonna die from the unknown in today's society. Keep tight reign on all things I can 100% control, like state of my apartment, food, working-out.
- Rethink myself risks and side effects of taking or not taking this meds. And if I continue to take them, repeat to myself that it is my decision. I can any moment change it.
- It is kind of the situation in which many guys are at the age around 20. I don't know what I want. I will try the same I would suggest to anyone in the situation - try every idea that crosses my path, out. I have a bunch of stuff that I could try out, although from my current position nothing seems to be promising for giving me some feeling of purpose and sense in life.
- Read-up on death. On rituals, philosophy, different views of death. And generally try to make closer connection with death. May be volunteer in a hospice.
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Old 12-14-2017, 08:17 PM   #1737
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Re: Cause and effect

I never understood how women can fall for exterior. At least in my case I always fall for nice, smart and interesting. It is very funny feeling. I am pretty sure that the guy has no clue that he does kid my interest. It has also zero future, but it is really funny feeling even when this interest just wakens-up. The sense of purpose suddenly appears. I can't say that it is falling in love or so.... But... it is kind of..... I find it difficult to find precise word.
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Old 12-16-2017, 06:26 PM   #1738
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Re: Cause and effect

Everything is in my head.

Nothing changed in my circumstances. But if few days ago I was anxious, stressed out, floating in feeling of how the life is a vale of tears, today is everything fine. I had completely normal and cool day: yoga+chores+few things for work+some things to approach this question "what do I want".....And somehow I just don't think about sense of life, law suit, being single, relationship with my parents......Everything is just good and normal

Dear Universe, Please let me keep this state of mind.
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Old 12-17-2017, 04:54 PM   #1739
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Re: Cause and effect

Finished today dealing with mold problem in my apartment. I had for years that in a winter one cold corner got some mold, no matter how much I heated and ventilated. I finally had enough and removed wall paper and base covers form this area this summer. Then treated it with Clorix (super aggressive bleach, that kills everything), then kept the walls for few days heated to 70 °. Now few months in the heating period I am at least sure that mold doesn't come back. So today put basic cover and wall-paper on the walls. Was pretty big deal, since I was doing it by myself. But I am happy how it turned out. Finally my apartment looks again normal and not like a run-down shack.
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Old 12-18-2017, 01:18 PM   #1740
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Re: Cause and effect

I am complete PLO donk. I mean I am generally donk in every variant of poker, but PLO especially. That doesn't keep me from playing

There are funny differences between PLO and FL. ( I have basically zero experience in NL cash games)

In FL nanostakes you will almost certainly have callers to the show-down. Your folding equity is kind of close to zero (Clearly there are also exception from the rule. But on average / if you play against unknown assume that you will get called). In PLO on the opposite..... (nanostakes!) sufficient amount of aggression often allows to get folds on the flop from a lot better hands. Killed 1c/2c table for 7$ . Somehow they couldn't make themself call me more on the flop, although I was betting basically every hand. I haven't staked someone not once in the session. 7 $ come together from me raising every hand I entered pre-, c-betting the flop pot-size and the remainder of the table folding on the flop everything except nuts. Clearly at some point someone would have picked-up that I am beyond every line with bluffing. So you have to look.... But it was funny.

And the best thing I have done for my poker game is to learn to stay in the stakes, where money plays no role for me.
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Old 12-18-2017, 03:59 PM   #1741
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Re: Cause and effect

Do I want a SO or do I not? Do I want something that resembles a relationship? Do I want a date? Do I want all this things in general ( or having in mind a certain guy that is right now in the picture)?

In general.... Clearly the answer is "yes" to all this questions.
This specific guy.....I have no clue!

Right now he tries to get closer (sadly he is not a dude from few posts before, whom I find interesting). Another dude. I don't really know him. We chatted few times at the coffee machine and that's it. He tries to build on that and get a date. And I somehow ..... The major feeling is "Ohhhh God! That is so exhausting". Obviously right now he doesn't knock my socks off but I also know actually zero about him. Probably something short like a coffee date but not at a coffee machine is a good idea. At some nicer place. He gets his chance. And then gonna dance from there....

Major feeling: " I am so clueless for my age"
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Old 12-19-2017, 06:27 AM   #1742
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Re: Cause and effect

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Do I want a SO or do I not? Do I want something that resembles a relationship? Do I want a date? Do I want all this things in general ( or having in mind a certain guy that is right now in the picture)?

In general.... Clearly the answer is "yes" to all this questions.
This specific guy.....I have no clue!

Right now he tries to get closer (sadly he is not a dude from few posts before, whom I find interesting). Another dude. I don't really know him. We chatted few times at the coffee machine and that's it. He tries to build on that and get a date. And I somehow ..... The major feeling is "Ohhhh God! That is so exhausting". Obviously right now he doesn't knock my socks off but I also know actually zero about him. Probably something short like a coffee date but not at a coffee machine is a good idea. At some nicer place. He gets his chance. And then gonna dance from there....

Major feeling: " I am so clueless for my age"
had this date. Am as clueless as before.

On one side the guy gets basically all checks I would expect from a guy. He doesn't add to my problems and even tried in this short 30 min to actually be helpful.

On the other side....I had a feeling of wasted time afterwards. He expects definitely more of my time and attention than I am willing to give to him now. That is also a reason why I feel soo exhausted after communication with him. It is that I have to protect my time and space from his attempts to seize it.

Have no clue. Won't even think about the situation till new year.
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Old 12-19-2017, 07:23 AM   #1743
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Re: Cause and effect

Why not just marry Howard Treesong? I've had dinner with him and can vouch for him being a good guy. He does require attention tho.
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Old 12-19-2017, 02:12 PM   #1744
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Re: Cause and effect

Chop, chop, chop!


HT is married. I am completely sure that you know it, and know that I know it.
.........

And come on. It is not so that I need more space than it is normal. It is just.... I know the guy less than I know the regs here. And I do have a life. For any new guy I would have to shift my life. I am willing to do that, but my response time to text messages is 24 hours. And I plain don't want to spend every evening an hour or two on the phone talking about nothing. It is boring.

Do I come off bitchy? I probably do. And I probably am. I don't care.

Naaahhhh..... I do care. I don't want to be bitchy/unreasonable/ difficult. With no one.

On the serious note.... i try to talk myself into this story and the harder I try, the less I want it.
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Old 12-19-2017, 06:22 PM   #1745
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Re: Cause and effect

I think that if you aren't excited at the thought of spending time with him now it's probably not a good sign that the relationship would go places. I definitely don't think not wanting to spend hours on the phone at night bitchy though. Do people seriously have expectations like that when they start dating someone? That would really turn me off tbh. When I spend time away from my BF I ring him everyday, but I look forward to it and I know he does too but I certainly wouldn't ring for hours. If I had done that in the beginning I'm pretty sure he would have run a mile!
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Old 12-19-2017, 06:53 PM   #1746
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
I never understood how women can fall for exterior. At least in my case I always fall for nice, smart and interesting. It is very funny feeling. I am pretty sure that the guy has no clue that he does kid my interest. It has also zero future, but it is really funny feeling even when this interest just wakens-up. The sense of purpose suddenly appears. I can't say that it is falling in love or so.... But... it is kind of..... I find it difficult to find precise word.
I completely agree! What turns me on is so much more than a pretty face. I want a connection much deeper than that.

This is the man you should be dating! The one you're really interested in.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
I am complete PLO donk. I mean I am generally donk in every variant of poker, but PLO especially. That doesn't keep me from playing

There are funny differences between PLO and FL. ( I have basically zero experience in NL cash games)

In FL nanostakes you will almost certainly have callers to the show-down. Your folding equity is kind of close to zero (Clearly there are also exception from the rule. But on average / if you play against unknown assume that you will get called). In PLO on the opposite..... (nanostakes!) sufficient amount of aggression often allows to get folds on the flop from a lot better hands. Killed 1c/2c table for 7$ . Somehow they couldn't make themself call me more on the flop, although I was betting basically every hand. I haven't staked someone not once in the session. 7 $ come together from me raising every hand I entered pre-, c-betting the flop pot-size and the remainder of the table folding on the flop everything except nuts. Clearly at some point someone would have picked-up that I am beyond every line with bluffing. So you have to look.... But it was funny.

And the best thing I have done for my poker game is to learn to stay in the stakes, where money plays no role for me.
I loooooove PLO. There's definitely a lot of action and it's a drawing game, so very different from NLHE, though it appears to be so similar. Nanostakes must make the game fun. Raising pre in PLO always scares away some of the other players because it makes the game really big, really fast, especially if someone else wakes up with a good starting hand and re-pots your raise.

I get that you can play the game correctly because the stakes aren't high. Unfortunately, I find the opposite with me. If the stakes are too low, I have little interest or focus on trying to win the war. If I have enough at stake, I fight to the death. I don't mean I'd bet money I need for necessities, but it has to be at least a little significant to me.
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Old 12-19-2017, 10:32 PM   #1747
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Re: Cause and effect

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I think that if you aren't excited at the thought of spending time with him now it's probably not a good sign that the relationship would go places. I definitely don't think not wanting to spend hours on the phone at night bitchy though. Do people seriously have expectations like that when they start dating someone? That would really turn me off tbh. When I spend time away from my BF I ring him everyday, but I look forward to it and I know he does too but I certainly wouldn't ring for hours. If I had done that in the beginning I'm pretty sure he would have run a mile!
You like often basically read my mind.
Quote:
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This is the man you should be dating! The one you're really interested in.
Sadly..... not gonna happen. How often in life this interest dies because of the circumstances.....I don't like the situation especially because it is so rare that I feel this interest. But I also understand that to try to start something in given circumstances is looking for drama and bigger problems. Meeeehhhhhh. May be I am trying so hard to talk myself into dating other guy hoping that that will somehow make my mind switch.
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Old 12-20-2017, 10:41 AM   #1748
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Re: Cause and effect

One real progress I made since I started this blog, is to get grip on my eating when travelling. The key is to have food with me. That will be my dinner today on the train:



food cost calories
-----------------------------------------------------
Apple 30 c 50
Carrot 2 c 20
bunch of radish 20 c 20
1 egg 10 c 100
---------------------------------------------
62 c 190 ckal

for comparison food McDo that was my downfall before I started taking food with me
1 Hamburger 1€ 253
small fries 1,6€ 231
---------------------------------------------------
2,6€ 484 ckal


So McDo is about 5 times as expensive and has more than double on calories. Additional advantage is that hamburger and fries were usually eaten in less than 15 min. My box with carrots and apples is usually finished only after few hours on the train.
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Old 12-21-2017, 06:12 PM   #1749
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Re: Cause and effect

Sitting at my parents house after a great night swim. Swimming pool in the city where my parents live, is so much better than one where I live. Here they have a pool outside with relatively warm water. The air is around zero and water 27 degree C. I was the only one in this pool. Every part you lift out of the water starts to freeze immediately, but it is totally cool feeling to see the stars when back swiming. Feel so peaceful and tired now. Everything is good.
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Old 12-24-2017, 10:56 AM   #1750
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Re: Cause and effect

Merry Christmas everyone! Whatever your religion or nationality is, I wish you good time, connection to the people you love, good food, feeling of miracle. May holiday spirit and cheer get you.
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