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Old 06-26-2015, 07:22 AM   #151
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Re: Cause and effect

I think I am gonna spend in the next weeks some effort and money in finding a good psychoanalyst.

It is apparent that I have some issues. The thought of hitting some people and my father in particular with a brick crosses my mind pretty regular. I am angry, pissed, sour at him. He has done and continues to do things that affect me in major negative way. Unfortunately to cut him out of my life is not an option, because he is married to my mom and because laws in Germany are made the way, that you just can't cut your parents out of your lifes. If my mom dies before him, I will have to support him.

So what to do?

Basically the only chance I see to get all that **** under control, is a good psychoanalyst. I mean I have no idea how exactly one could help me, but since I see nothing else, I might as well try this route one more time. May be I will start a thread in OOT or look may be there is already something about usefullness of psychoanalysis.

I have tried several psychotherapiest, when I was depressed. Basically all of them have been a catastrophe. At the end I binged because I didn't want to go to a session but felt that I have to. It was zero usefull and only annoying. But then may be I did something wrong. All therapiest I tried had been from behavioural therapy direction and not psychoanalysis.

This time I will spend some more effort to prepare and try to find a good one.
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Old 06-26-2015, 07:27 AM   #152
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Re: Cause and effect

The best thing would be for your mom and dad to get divorced imo
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Old 06-28-2015, 09:25 AM   #153
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Re: Cause and effect

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Originally Posted by Mr.mmmKay View Post
The best thing would be for your mom and dad to get divorced imo
Best thing for whom? I thought about that a lot. I could get them divorced pretty fast, if I only would be sure, that that is a good thing. I mean they are 40 years together. It is a totally dysfunctional relationship, but would it be any better for them in case of divorce? And how would it be for me? I have already now a role of psychotherapist for my mom. If we are on the phone it is funny how much does my mom talk (95%) and how much I. If she would be divorced now that would not relax this situation. I also would still have to deal with my dad. I read here in some blogs that people had just cut out parents out of their lifes. In Germany it is plain impossible.

If I would know, what is the best, then I would take actions this direction. But I don't. I really don't know.
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Old 06-28-2015, 09:53 AM   #154
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Re: Cause and effect

Gambling addiction

I am a gambling addict. It has been for years non-destructive, but it changes nothing in the nature of the addiction. I feel from time to time urges to do dumb things. Like now. I am a gambling addict, but I still play poker and do not intend to stop. Just won about 10 k (running hot like a sun) and I feel this urge to play stakes that are none of my business and play them bad. I feel how this dark hole is sucking me in. Restricted my table limits. Good for me that it takes at least 24 hours to increase them back. I have deposited yesterday 50 $ to get a bonus and have to wait for another 30 hours to be able to cash out. Usually anything in excess of 500 $ I cash out as fast as I can. I totally need to hide money from myself.

It is a frigging balance act: gambling addict - still plays poker; fiscally responsible adult - hiding money from myself and using crutches like restriction of table limits to not slide down a deep deep financial hole.

Majorly annoyed by myself.
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Old 06-28-2015, 10:16 AM   #155
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Re: Cause and effect

The only thing that I can add, is to make sure you treat yourself like you would your very best friend. Our past stuff can cause us to be harder on ourselves than anyone else.

For today, be extra kind before getting out those old tapes that say you aren't good enough.
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Old 06-28-2015, 12:55 PM   #156
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Re: Cause and effect

Ah, lapka. You seem to be suffering from the curse of the intelligent. The idea of therapy pisses you off at yourself. You are angry with yourself because you think you are intelligent enough to be able to work things out for yourself. You believe that you shouldn't NEED therapy.

Like Tyler says, be kind to yourself. I have said this before. You are so brutal. Try not to see therapy as a weakness. Rejoice in the fact that you have enough brain power to learn how to make your existence more comfortable, more joyful. Don't beat yourself up over this.
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Old 06-29-2015, 10:16 AM   #157
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Re: Cause and effect

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Originally Posted by lapka View Post
Best thing for whom? I thought about that a lot. I could get them divorced pretty fast, if I only would be sure, that that is a good thing. I mean they are 40 years together. It is a totally dysfunctional relationship, but would it be any better for them in case of divorce? And how would it be for me? I have already now a role of psychotherapist for my mom. If we are on the phone it is funny how much does my mom talk (95%) and how much I. If she would be divorced now that would not relax this situation. I also would still have to deal with my dad. I read here in some blogs that people had just cut out parents out of their lifes. In Germany it is plain impossible.

If I would know, what is the best, then I would take actions this direction. But I don't. I really don't know.
I have no idea how the law in Germany works but i guess it would be better for your mom cause she wont have her money stolen anymore and she wouldn't have to be frustrated by your dad not doing anything anymore, and you could just go live with her or on your own, right?
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Old 06-30-2015, 04:50 PM   #158
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Re: Cause and effect

Read up a little bit on psychoanalysis. Apparently the purpose of psychoanalysis is not to resolve psychological issues, but only to lift things from unconscious into conscious. How they are resolved afterwards is completely different opera.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychoanalysis

"conflicts between the conscious and the unconscious, or with repressed material can materialize in the form of mental or emotional disturbances, for example: neurosis, neurotic traits, anxiety, depression etc."

But how to resolve this conflicts?

It is not so that I think, that I don't need a therapy. I don't see a therapy as a weakness or so. I am pretty pragmatic: If it has a chance to improve things, I am gonna do it. But it is rather so that my experience until now with therapists was, that they are completely useless. I would like to understand better, what I can expect from a therapy.

And I read in one thread here, that it is cool to have a therapist, because he has to listen to the rants of the guy. That is not enough for me to invest an hour a week+way. I mean I can rant here perfectly. Actually a lot better than in any of the therapies I tried. In the therapies I had basically to force myself to speak and I hated it, here it is just rolling.
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Old 07-03-2015, 06:34 AM   #159
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Re: Cause and effect

Chaos. To much to do. And my brain is completely non-multitasking. If I do something it is enough just to think, that I have also to do this and that and I freeze. I mean apparently brain gets then at the same time two different contradictory impulses and does none of them .

3. to go swiming
2. to do some paperwork for an unemployment insurance
1. grocery shopping
5. finally to figure out, which driver I am missing to put pictures from my camera on a new laptop. With old it just worked. And new one just doesn't see my camera through USB.... GRRRRRRRRr
4. chores
6. to organize some doctor appointments

So. Now I prioritized my to do list. May be it will annoy me less this way.

Optimizing an ice coffee.

It is hot in Germany. +30°. So as a coffee drinker Iced coffee helps.

First one is a store bought, premaid iced capuccino. Price range is from 70 cents for no name to 1,40 euro for starbucks for 200ml. Calories go from 120 calories to 150 calories for 200 ml.

Now self made:
1 version: 150 ml cold black coffee + 50 ml skimmed milk + some ice cubes
Price: 10 cents Calories: 25
2 version: 100 ml cold black coffee + 50 ml skimmed milk+ 50 ml vanilla ice cream + some ice cubes
Price: 20 cents Calories 75
3 version: 100 ml cold black coffee + 100 ml skimmed milk + 2 spoons of sugar + some ice cubes
Price: 20 cents Calories: 80

Like you can see self made totally wins. You can always design it the way you like it with less calories and cheaper than store made. 100 days of drinking version 2 instead of store made gives you at least 50 euros in your pocket and half to a pound of fat weight loss on your body.
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Old 07-03-2015, 09:34 AM   #160
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Re: Cause and effect

JOJOJO! Internet is great! Guys from technical help and computer resolved my problem with camera. So now I can illustrate my post about optimizing ice coffee:

My breakfast yesterday with bag of cherries and premaide ice coffee from a store:


My breakfast today with strawberries under yoghurt and version 2 self made ice coffee:




Next step I have to work on size and quality of my pictures
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Old 07-03-2015, 10:17 AM   #161
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Re: Cause and effect

fk I did apparently something wrong with links. Hopefully this time:





And now SWIMMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jaaaaaaaaa +36 ° outside
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Old 07-06-2015, 05:38 PM   #162
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Re: Cause and effect

For me it is still funny, funny in a good way, that I write in english and people understand me. ^^ Rant ahead.

Was on the phone with my mom. 10 minutes. 10 minutes and I want to binge really really badly. She is constantly overstepping every possible boundary. Now she wants me to visit her and my dad and starts the invitation by telling me what I am allowed to wear in her house. And she somehow does not get that the only thing she achieves with that, is that I would really like to avoid this visit and I want to binge. I will still wear what I want to wear and it leads to such frigging stupid completely unnecessary tensions. I mean she wants me to be certain way, the way she thinks is the best for me. I disagree. Does she really think that at this age she is able to change something in me, if I don't want? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. That leads to so much tension. And I am trying. I really try to stay calm, non-defensive, not passive aggressive,not confrontational. But she makes it that the only way to keep it more or less normal is to have as little as possible contact with my parents. But I want to have as much as possible contact with her as long as she is still here.

I think sometimes, that it can't be true, that at my old age I am having such battles about clothing with my mom.

Meeeehhhhh. I am afraid that there is no psychotherapy in this world that could resolve that.

edit: meeeh. binged. damage 1135ckal. have to swim tomorrow morning for two hours to reverse the damage. grrrrrrr. I am so mad at myself.

Last edited by lapka; 07-06-2015 at 05:52 PM.
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Old 07-07-2015, 08:39 AM   #163
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Re: Cause and effect

Have been swimming for two hours this morning and on top one hour on my bicycle.
So binge damage from yesterday is reversed.

Happy to have no fixed hour at work. Means I have to do my 40 hours a week and job has to be done, but no one cares if I am there at 8 am or at 11 am.

Slept really good at least 8 hours, as a consequence do feel good. Looked in the mirror and thought that I am actually pretty. Usually I hate myself.

Dear Universum, please let me keep this state of mind.

I have to find for my mom some kind of substitute theme for my appearance. I mean she is the way she is, because she cares about me, she is sure that she knows better, and for her this comments she makes, are expression of this care. I need to give her some kind of substitute. Something preferably actionable, that is for her an act of caring for me, and that does not annoy me so much, like when she tries to determine my outfits.
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Old 07-08-2015, 06:10 PM   #164
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Re: Cause and effect


There was a city in Russia, that existed at least since 1200: Mologa. The city was near big russian river: Volga. In 1940 the town was flooded by the Sovijets to build an artificial lake for hydroelectric plant. Now this summer the level of the water in the lake is so low, that tops of the old church of Mologa is visible.

https://www.google.de/search?q=molog...L&ved=0CB8QsAQ

Thinking, which direction should I go here. Alternatives are: to post some poker, some pictures, some more psychotherapy, some things I find generally interesting, like this Mologa story, some more cooking and food
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Old 07-09-2015, 12:21 PM   #165
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Re: Cause and effect

Re: psychotherapy.

30 years ago, I spent three years in analysis. It not only saved my life, the insights I gained enabled me to grow in ways I never would have considered.

Therapy also helped me to forgive my ex-husband for his part in our miserable marriage. But, more importantly, it helped me to understand MY part in the failure. I was needy and manipulative. I went into therapy full of depression and rage. Hurt and blame. Indignant and self-righteous.

I came out humbled and saddened. But somewhat hopeful and confident that I could be a better person. It was the most painful, difficult experience of my life. Yet, I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Analysis is not for everyone. You have to find what works for you.

Before each session, I got into the habit of asking myself beforehand: What's the one thing that I don't think I would ever be able to talk about? Either because of embarrassment or shame. And then I went in and talked about it. It was brutal, but it worked for me.

I killed a lot of demons.
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Old 07-09-2015, 03:31 PM   #166
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
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Re: psychotherapy.

30 years ago, I spent three years in analysis. It not only saved my life, the insights I gained enabled me to grow in ways I never would have considered.

Therapy also helped me to forgive my ex-husband for his part in our miserable marriage. But, more importantly, it helped me to understand MY part in the failure. I was needy and manipulative. I went into therapy full of depression and rage. Hurt and blame. Indignant and self-righteous.

I came out humbled and saddened. But somewhat hopeful and confident that I could be a better person. It was the most painful, difficult experience of my life. Yet, I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Analysis is not for everyone. You have to find what works for you.

Before each session, I got into the habit of asking myself beforehand: What's the one thing that I don't think I would ever be able to talk about? Either because of embarrassment or shame. And then I went in and talked about it. It was brutal, but it worked for me.

I killed a lot of demons.
Respect!

To forgive things is soooooooo unbelievably tough. Really RESPECT!

I wonder, what exactly in this analysis gave you new insights? Was it something the therapist did, or was just recapturing of some things, that made you see things differently.

Probably I was really unlucky in my previous choice of therapists. They commented and I felt so judged. And I haven't even told them really
dark things.

Anyway I have now first appointments with two different therapists. My insurance pays 3 hours of test and then I can change. I will give it a real go, but I am also allowed to stop it if I will start to binge before the appointments .

I think that I don't have any unconscious issues, I have issues and about some of them I haven't talked with anyone, but I am pretty conscious of all my issues. I think at least...... But may be I am also wrong....

I would like to be able to forgive my father, but I am afraid that it is not in the cards.

One of my previous therapists, completely accidentally, came across the phase of my life between 16 and 20, where I spent to much time with my dad, and not enough time developing my own life. It was the only time when I really lost it in this therapy. I cried and cried and couldn't stop. And somehow the reaction of the therapist was so neutral, so basically nothing, that I thought " Why the fk I am telling her that? She can't change nothing" .
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Old 07-11-2015, 12:45 PM   #167
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Re: Cause and effect

I'm not ignoring your question. It's overwhelming to try to explain how the process worked for me. I'm working on it.
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Old 07-12-2015, 05:02 PM   #168
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Re: Cause and effect

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I'm not ignoring your question. It's overwhelming to try to explain how the process worked for me. I'm working on it.
No stress. And Tx for giving me several times here kicks in the right direction.
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Old 07-12-2015, 05:46 PM   #169
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Re: Cause and effect

For me, analysis worked something like Google. Simplistic explanation, I know. But, you follow a link, learn a little, and, lo and behold, there's another link. And then, another.

Before you realize how exactly it happens, you end up someplace you couldn't have imagined, with knowledge and insight about something totally unrelated to the subject you started with.

I'm working on explaining one such insight I gained, and how it happened. It still blows my mind.
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Old 07-14-2015, 01:16 PM   #170
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Re: Cause and effect

I am a small-town woman, raised in a strict Catholic home. My husband and I were childhood sweethearts.

When he left, I was devastated. Suicidal. Spent some time in a psych unit. 30 years old.
I entered analysis looking for approval, sympathy, strong medication. J (my shrink) refused on all three. There was work to be done, and she exuded confidence that I was capable of doing what was necessary. Without meds. She was warm, but not pitying. Understanding, but not sympathetic. And she possessed the patience of a saint.

I cried the entire first year. One day, at the beginning of a session, she calmly asked me to say "f**k"

I was totally embarrassed at the idea, but did as she asked. Later, she asked me if there were other words that I would find difficult to say to her. Of course there were.

I could never, for as long as I could remember, say out loud, any part of the body connected to sex. Breast, penis, I even struggled to say lips as a child.

My husband knew this, and thought it was a cute quirk of mine. He always said it was the Catholic in me.

Anyway, she asked me to write them down. She then asked me to read them to her if I could. I was horrified. It was one thing to let one slip around my girlfriends while half drunk, quite another in a psychiatrist office, but I was determined to do the work.

Halfway through, I began sobbing. Uncontrollably. J asked me where the pain was coming from. What was I thinking?

Without really stopping to think, I said that I COULDN'T say the words, because if I was capable of saying them, I would have to tell my mother what had been done to me as a child. The husband of an older relative had molested me. And I was afraid that my mother would be angry at me for even knowing the words to describe it. Major breakthrough.

But it wasn't the biggest one. That came later.
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Old 07-15-2015, 12:20 PM   #171
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Re: Cause and effect

Granddam,

you helped me a BIG DEAL. It is kind of difficult for me to write here out how exactly, but you really helped me with your last post. I am now completely determined to do this psychoanalysis thing.

I feel now completely overwhelmed to continue.
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Old 07-15-2015, 08:46 PM   #172
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Re: Cause and effect

No need to explain. I was confident that you would see the process.
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Old 07-16-2015, 08:08 PM   #173
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Re: Cause and effect

Another trip to Kopenhagen.

Train station with random dude in the picture. Such red brick buildings are pretty typical also for northern Germany. Probably for the whole northern Europe.


Row of the houses along the water in Newhaven. I found the colouring of the facades pretty cool. I have also bin there in the jazz festival time, so there was a lot of people and a lot of jazz bands playing around.



A lot of such riksha cabs around. Since I am kind of for green things, I do find them just cool.


The guy was playing absolutely high end well Beethoven. It was very surreal: his outfit, his hair, this scratched ugly piano, outside on the street and really concert level performance.


That one I found very funny. It is architectural center. The building itself, I would assume is at least 200 years old. And on this old building this ugly glass thing on the front.
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Old 07-18-2015, 01:52 PM   #174
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Re: Cause and effect

it is still really hot in Germany. So I continue a series self-made drinks, shakes, beverages. Today is milk shake.

Vanilla from McDo against self-made Vanilla.

Small vanilla milk shake from McDo costs 1,8 euro and has 300 kcal for 300 ml.

Self-made from 200 ml skimmed milk and 150 ml plain vanilla yoghurt has 250 kcal and cost 60 cents. Milk and yoghurt just blend together and I had put some ice cubes in.

You can adjust milk and yoghurt proportions how you like. You can try different brands with yoghurt. I had 2.8% fat and 13.9 % sugar in yoghurt. And again you can create it the way you like for LOT cheaper and less calories than McDo does.
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Old 07-19-2015, 02:29 AM   #175
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Re: Cause and effect

God, is that sometimes tough to kick myself direction work-out!

I am swimming now a lot since that is the only exercise that is bearable at this temperatures. The swimming pool is about 7 km away from where I am living. And this 7 km are uphill. It is not much on the bicycle. But it is additional hurdle between me and swimming pool.

GOGOGOGOGO! It makes sense to do it now, because in the afternoon it will be to many people there. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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