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Old 10-13-2017, 03:08 PM   #1626
Very Josie
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Re: Cause and effect

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Originally Posted by lapka View Post
Dima wants me back.

I can't explain it logically. He swears now to stand by me and support me and go with me through whatever might come with topic children and everything else. Basically he tells all the right things. But I just .... It is not even that I don't believe him. I just don't want to be with him any more. This feeling of being so connected..... This what made me say "yes".... It disappeared. I don't know. I can talk to him and it doesn't touch me on emotional level. He is now in Germany staying in a hotel. He wants to talk continuously. I give him the opportunity. I think I hope that he manages to say something to make me feel connected again. But till now..... I feel nothing. It is funny.... Usually I am very revengeful girl. Here.....I don't even think about him when we are not directly talking.

I know exact moment when this connectedness disappeared: when he was obviously happy ( or like granddam said "felt a relief") that I couldn't go into the next round of IVF due to my health.

I don't think that I will see him after this week ever again.
1. Of course he does!
2. That you're not feeling emotions for him is very telling that the correct decision has been made.
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Old 10-15-2017, 01:09 PM   #1627
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Re: Cause and effect

Situation:

My dad bought an antique bookshelf without asking my mom and without thinking about where to put it. Really nice bookshelf. But it changes nothing in the fact that there is no place in my parent's house for such a shelf.

How is that my problem?

I talked right now with my mom on the phone. Whole 1 hour dialog ( actually like most of the time not dialog but a monologue of my mom with me trying to say something to improve the situation) was about this shelf.

my mom: We don't need this shelf. We have no place for it. If we would have a bigger house with a library and a room for everyone in it then we could have this book shelf. But now ..... it is to late for me. The only thing I still want is a grand child and have you living near by. For this shelf all the surrounding should be appropriate. It is to late for me.

..........................The every word in that makes my blood pressure go high. It sucks the life out of me. I don't want to live in the same house like my parents. I rather die. And it is not an exaggeration.

I feel guilty and have an immediate impulse to buy a bigger house for my parents. I know that it is nonsense. They don't need it and it would so change nothing in the fact that their marriage and living together is a hell. The unhapiness of my mom does not come from small house. But this words " It is to late for me......" make me want to give her everything for what she feels that it is to late.

She knows the situation with my fertility. She knows that I can't go now in the next IVF and have to go through a bunch of cancer-preventive procedures. I feel guilty for that. I feel like it is my fault that she is so unhappy. I feel like a grandchild would make her happy and because I can't give it to her I deserve the deepest misery.

I feel like her unhappiness, her regrets, her misery, her failed expectations are my fault. I rationally understand that it is wrong but the feelings are there.
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Old 10-15-2017, 01:59 PM   #1628
Very Josie
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Re: Cause and effect

Puh-lease. Your mother is never going to be happy regardless of whether or not you have a baby. Also, your mother's happiness is her responsibility not yours. I know she may think otherwise, but just know this is true.

Your actions will not make her happy. They just won't. She'll just find something else to be unhappy about. Soo....you have to be there for her, but only to the extent that it doesn't harm you. If the phone call(s) start to upset you, get off the phone. Self preservation first.
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Old 10-15-2017, 02:59 PM   #1629
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Re: Cause and effect

It is true. I understand on a rational level that there is nothing I could do to make her happy.

The silliest example is my hair. She sees me blond with long hair. I prefer short my natural color. And she was soooooooo on my case with this hair that I just let it grow and made it blond. It was still bad for her! She was then on my case for how I comb it, how I style it.......I mean .... It is HAIR! It is just appearance. It is really not worth any stress in my POV.

I understand on the rational level that I can't make her less miserable. And what is bigger, if I look at my life now back, I regret every time I followed her expectations against my will. And I never, not once, regret having done, what I thought is the right thing to do.

But it is...... Imagine someone you love deeply being constantly miserable and on your case for something. It is super tough to impossible to build such distance that it doesn't get you.

Thankfully writing down takes the edge out of it. Directly after we talked I was going up the walls and couldn't even find words to describe how miserable I am and why. Being able to verbalize it helps.
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Old 10-15-2017, 03:34 PM   #1630
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Re: Cause and effect

A little more interesting theme - money

I have made a post in OOT that made me think about my hourly wage in my job. When I was hired I negotiated my yearly wage. It is 72 k Euros. I have a bunch of benefits that would seem for USA pretty sweet. But here I want just to look at my hourly. From this 72 k a year only 2800 do hit my account every month. So all taxes and mandatory insurances eat more than 50% of my salary. Not sweet. I work minimum 160 hours a month. So that gives me 2800/160 =~17 Euro/hour..... Sooooo not sweet! Ok I have to take into account that I have 30 working days paid leave and may be 10 additional days of various holidays in Germany. That makes it slightly better. But all overtime is unpaid and is expected. So I would say I was pretty good with my estimate of 20 Euro/hour after taxes.

That makes me think because I was earning 20 Euro /per hour of tutoring as a student.
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Old 10-17-2017, 03:17 PM   #1631
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Re: Cause and effect

Not sure if I get the translation of a bible verse right: Life is a vale of tears.

Yeahh.... I read Bible and I read Koran and various stuff on Buddhism. Interestingly but Buddhism agrees with this thesis that "life is suffering". Wanted to wright something uplifting and positive in JM's blog and somehow ended always with something along "Life sucks".

I don't know...... There are few people here who seem to be always on the positive site, always able to say something good, never ranting, never in this "Everything sucks" mood. I want to be like them. I realistically understand that they have very similar and may be even worse set of real problems. But somehow....This feeling that life is a vale of tears has nothing to do with real problems. My brain sucks.

I dream a lot last days . Dark, crazy stuff. I don't know.......

I could wright instead of that a super positive post with pictures of indian summer in Germany and recount all nice things people did/said to me today.

What is better? What would change the state of my brain?

It feels like it doesn't matter. I think I need to spend less time alone in my apartment and more time with people. It is hard. I do find people tiresome most of the time. All my issues with social interaction get to the surface in a group. But to much time alone is not good because my brain gets out of whack.

So....... I am gonna step over myself and go this weekend for a hike in a group.

I am so astound that I remained all my life with all this issues functional. I am surprised about how do I fake it in my job. I can't start a lecture with "life is a vale of tears". ....... Although...... Now that I think about it ...... I actually can. And then! I can make all my students cry about math
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Old 10-17-2017, 11:00 PM   #1632
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Re: Cause and effect

Very much relate to a feeling of dissatisfaction with the way my brain works but I think with awareness and practice though patterns can be modified over time all that starts with an awareness that things aren't necessarily as they seem in the mind.

The group hike sounds like a good idea, hearing other people talk about their successes and struggles gives my mind a rest from the regular turmoil. Also being in a wild setting, maybe you will stumble across some fungi or a big boar! Fall is a good time for both of those things with the leaves falling which feeds the hungry spores, hope for wet weather

How many miles do you plan on walking, will there be much elevation gain/loss?
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Old 10-18-2017, 06:51 AM   #1633
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Re: Cause and effect

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Originally Posted by HankTheBank View Post
Very much relate to a feeling of dissatisfaction with the way my brain works but I think with awareness and practice though patterns can be modified over time all that starts with an awareness that things aren't necessarily as they seem in the mind.

The group hike sounds like a good idea, hearing other people talk about their successes and struggles gives my mind a rest from the regular turmoil. Also being in a wild setting, maybe you will stumble across some fungi or a big boar! Fall is a good time for both of those things with the leaves falling which feeds the hungry spores, hope for wet weather

How many miles do you plan on walking, will there be much elevation gain/loss?

It will be 3 hours hike. Probably pretty easy because they made no restrictions on physical condition. Theme is "sweet chestnut". First part is walking around and picking some sweet chestnut and at the end they will introduce few dishes you can make from chestnut. I had last year picked some on my own and made blueberry pancakes with sweet chestnut.

In this hike my priority will be to spend as much as possible time in dialog with other people.

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Originally Posted by lapka View Post
I can't start a lecture with "life is a vale of tears". ....... Although...... Now that I think about it ...... I actually can. And then! I can make all my students cry about math


I did it. And introduced various continuity definitions (Lipschitz-, Hölder-, unifolmly-, locally-) . That is something I really understood few semesters after it was introduced in a lecture. At the same time it is so basic, that I think that it is good to at least encounter this definitions pretty early.


But lecturing is fun. I am very surprised that by now, already few weeks in, I haven't lost a single student. Must be my magnetic personality.

It remains pretty interesting how the skill distribution between male and female students is. It is a bell curve for men and it is a Dirac delta function for women. The peak of the men's bell curve is below the position of women's delta function. That means that an average male engineering student is dumber than an average female engineering student. But.... there are about 5 guys in a lecture, who are really really good. Significantly better than all girls and even better than me. So the best male engineering student is smarter than the best female engineering student.
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Old 10-18-2017, 07:41 AM   #1634
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Re: Cause and effect

Do you think the sample size is big enough to draw any conclusions about the general population?
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Old 10-18-2017, 08:18 PM   #1635
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Re: Cause and effect

IDK if it's true, but people here have argued that men are more often on the extremes at both ends of the IQ scale to explain why the top poker (and chess) players are disproportionately male, even though women compete equally well at lower levels.

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Old 10-18-2017, 10:41 PM   #1636
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Re: Cause and effect

Yeah.... Clearly if you take more participants the female delta peak will broaden into the bell curve. However I believe that the position of the peak for girls will stay shifted to the higher IQ in engineering. The reason is that only girls who are really good in sciences dare to go to engineering and sciences, where for guys it is kind of default study.

Please notice that I don't say that an average woman over the whole population is smarter than an average man.
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Old Yesterday, 12:01 PM   #1637
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Re: Cause and effect

Bad mood.

A head hunter is going on my nerves. I just plain don't want position he offers to me. It is in Frankfurt am Main, the city that I absolutely hate. And the dude just doesn't get that improving a tiny bit other conditions doesn't make me like his offer more, but annoys the crap out of me and makes me feel like it is his fault that my life is a vale of tears.

GRRRRRRRR!

Very grateful that I can afford not to deal with people I don't like. It is huge luxury.
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Old Yesterday, 12:13 PM   #1638
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Re: Cause and effect

That is one of my big problems: If I am a lot alone my brain produces a lot of weird things. If I am to much with other people I become totally irritable and annoyed.
Tired! Everything is to much! cry cry cry!
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Old Today, 04:10 AM   #1639
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Re: Cause and effect

30% of my time I do crap I hate. My morning started with organizing my travelling schedule for next week. I don't want to do it. I just plain don't want.

I want:

- to stay in bed for another hour
- wake-up slowly and have my super coffee
- go for a relaxed yoga hour
- then leisurely stroll to work
- there very relaxed stir my group (LOL I have a group. Every time I think of that I inwardly start to giggle. ) in the right direction
- Stick out my tongue when our administrative director will come to my office and want some crap from me
- LOL at his reaction to that
- finish my ongoing ebay sales. I think I have finished with ebay for the next months because I plain have no time right now.

But that will remain sweet dream. The reality is that I am already third hour in my office doing stuff to get additional funding for my group.
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Old Today, 04:24 AM   #1640
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Re: Cause and effect

Dear Universum,

please give me peace. Please make it so that this "pissed-off at everything and everyone" feeling disappears. I promise to run second time today, to go for the chestnut hike in a group on weekend and to keep my apartment in a picked-up orderly state although I have a feeling that I have no time for that.
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