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Old 09-25-2017, 11:19 AM   #1601
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Re: Cause and effect

Really funny how the Universum works. I have again a job offer that is hard to resist.
Before I started this blog I have been looooong time in one place and I haven't had a single offer in years. I haven't added much in qualification since then. Really the only thing I have changed it is my inner attitude towards a job. I don't hold on to the job I have now like it is something important for my life. It isn't. I can live without. And I have to say that this attitude change is caused to a big extend by my GA. The GA has shown me that I can live perfectly fine without money. It somehow moved things like money, friendship, human relationships, health, sleep, food in the right places.
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Old 09-26-2017, 08:34 AM   #1602
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Re: Cause and effect

I am hustling a lot. Thinking about if there is any difference between me hustling for research-funds or a junkie hustling for drug-funds. I have a feeling that it is kind of the same.

What is actually metric that differentiates me from a junkie? Is there a substantial difference at all?

If we take for example one very popular metric: money in the bank account. I have more than a junkie. But if my emotional state is indifferent to the number of euros, does it count then?

I got to the state of indifference towards few things that seemed so important even few month ago. I am not sure if it is good or rather not. I mean..... I don't care if I have a job or not and which one. I don't care if I get pregnant or not. I don't care if I have a SO or not. That things truly don't change how I feel. How to regulate my actions if all different outcomes are the same for me? Hm...... what would change how I feel?

It may sound ridiculous, but having less crap and more or less organized household changes a lot in how I feel compared to a messy state of my apartment. Having good rep of an able prof changes how I feel compared to a rep of a deadbeat prof. That is actually why I am hustling for funds. Weighing somewhere in a normal range makes me feel a lot better than if I would be overweight or anorectic. That is good. I am not completely indifferent to what is going on, so I can build on that.
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Old 09-26-2017, 02:50 PM   #1603
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Re: Cause and effect

I wonder how do people deal with death of their parents. There are few here who lost one or both of their parents and people somehow stay more or less normal, live, are functional.
My mom isn't well. She is morbidly obese and has bad heart problems. We just talked. And she gets easily annoyed and blames me that she feels worse. And I am completely confused. I am between getting defensive, feeling guilty and just flipping out because I can hear that she is really sick. I have no clue how to deal with all that without losing myself completely in the process.
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Old 09-27-2017, 02:21 PM   #1604
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
I wonder how do people deal with death of their parents. There are few here who lost one or both of their parents and people somehow stay more or less normal, live, are functional.
My mom isn't well. She is morbidly obese and has bad heart problems. We just talked. And she gets easily annoyed and blames me that she feels worse. And I am completely confused. I am between getting defensive, feeling guilty and just flipping out because I can hear that she is really sick. I have no clue how to deal with all that without losing myself completely in the process.
I think everyone deals with it differently. There are so many factors including your personal relationship with the parent. I mean, you will probably feel much differently between your father's death and your mother's death. So, the whole process is dependent not only on who you are, but who they are.
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Old 09-27-2017, 04:12 PM   #1605
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Re: Cause and effect

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I think everyone deals with it differently. There are so many factors including your personal relationship with the parent. I mean, you will probably feel much differently between your father's death and your mother's death. So, the whole process is dependent not only on who you are, but who they are.
Tx, you are clearly right.

I am so connected to my mom that her death would be ..... partly my death. I really wonder..... I mean I am not the only one in such situation, with this level of connection (I don't say that that is healthy or good), but how do people deal.

It is basically finding a basically new identity, and that is pretty hard at my age.

And if she dies before my dad, that opens a completely different set of problems for me, since I would be legally responsible for financial support of my dad.
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Old 09-27-2017, 04:23 PM   #1606
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Re: Cause and effect

I need to finish small python skript. It is nothing to complicated, it is pretty well defined what it has to do. But somehow right now it hangs itself. Again it is nothing difficult. I just need to go systematically through it. Something between 1 and 3 hours of work. Do it do it do it. I don't want it to be 3 hours. Gooooooooo!
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Old 09-27-2017, 05:02 PM   #1607
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Re: Cause and effect

You can always get help in the programming help thread
https://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/1...8/index18.html
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Old 09-28-2017, 04:14 AM   #1608
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Re: Cause and effect

Lapka, on the death of my loved one, my mom.

She was ill for months before she died. Bedridden. I took a leave from work to help nurse her. It was, I think, the best thing, but the hardest thing, I have ever done.

We talked. Seriously and honestly talked. About everything. I got to know the woman she was who married my dad, and what she hoped and thought before she had children in the '50's.

I watched her as she watched and re-watched her favorite movie, Good Morning, Vietnam. She lost herself and her pain during those times, I can't say why, but we laughed like loons together. We ended up building our strongest memories and our best relationship during this time, and, as difficult as it was, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

So I would suggest that you try it, lapka. Talk, reminisce, take pictures, make memories. There's still time. On a personal level, I asked my mom what one thing would she want me to remember about her for the rest of my life. She told me immediately that she wanted me to understand that, even though she wasn't perfect, she always wanted what she thought was best for us. Even when we didn't understand.

This time we had truly allowed me great comfort after she passed. Something my brother and sister missed out on. I'm lucky.
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Old 09-28-2017, 01:27 PM   #1609
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Re: Cause and effect

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Originally Posted by granddam View Post
Lapka, on the death of my loved one, my mom.

She was ill for months before she died. Bedridden. I took a leave from work to help nurse her. It was, I think, the best thing, but the hardest thing, I have ever done.

We talked. Seriously and honestly talked. About everything. I got to know the woman she was who married my dad, and what she hoped and thought before she had children in the '50's.

I watched her as she watched and re-watched her favorite movie, Good Morning, Vietnam. She lost herself and her pain during those times, I can't say why, but we laughed like loons together. We ended up building our strongest memories and our best relationship during this time, and, as difficult as it was, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

So I would suggest that you try it, lapka. Talk, reminisce, take pictures, make memories. There's still time. On a personal level, I asked my mom what one thing would she want me to remember about her for the rest of my life. She told me immediately that she wanted me to understand that, even though she wasn't perfect, she always wanted what she thought was best for us. Even when we didn't understand.

This time we had truly allowed me great comfort after she passed. Something my brother and sister missed out on. I'm lucky.
Tx granddam.

It is big deal to be able to make peace in this world with loved one. I hope I can do that with my mom.
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Old 10-01-2017, 04:08 AM   #1610
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Re: Cause and effect

..........Mood is kind of Meh..... Haven't slept at all tonight and sleep for me is such 100% indicator of stability. Have next Friday one super super super important meeting and must sleep well this week. Must look good, not puffy, well slept, decent outfit and noticeable but decent make-up. Must prepare. I present some data analysis I made with python and must think of all possible questions and objections.

I have colored and cut my hair really short. The color is dark-aubergine-fall like that



And it is this super short cut. I like it totally. I have difficult hair: thin and curly. And it is really hard if it is long to make it look at least combed. The curls do what they want. And now with short it looks good and I don't have to spend a lot of time to style it. Now I want to buy some fall colors make-up. I mean before I was dark-blond and the make-up I had is not really good with this hair..

Next week I have also to visit my parents. My mom will get a stroke when she sees my hair. That is crazy at my age, but the thought of my mom's reaction to my short and lila hair stresses me.

And I gained 2 kg . That is crap. Going to really watch my food this week.
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Old 10-02-2017, 10:06 AM   #1611
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Re: Cause and effect

I hugely improved my e-bay sales.
This month I sold crap for 121 Euro. 100% of this crap I would actually just throw away. And judged on my initial experience with ebay I wouldn't sell a single piece of that. Things I do better:
- I take better and more pictures
- I learned to choose wisely auction or fixed price format
- I learned to be patient. If something doesn't go away in the first week, it makes totally sense to put it up for second and third time.

I mean.... it is still not worth my time, but it is so funny. Right now few crappy books went away in fixed price format. It is totally unexpected. I already made my peace with having to bring them to the old paper recycling bin.
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Old 10-05-2017, 03:01 PM   #1612
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Re: Cause and effect

Why am I pro-quota for women in certain areas.

When started to study physics I was all "I am so good and quota are for losers. I will be first female prof in theoretical physics at my university without any quota". Little did I know and naive was I.

Then I started to work and I am workaholic and I am good. I managed to move-up but very slowly and very...... Every promotion required me to go basically for blood and set ultimatums like "either I get this or I am out". At the same time I saw that younger male colleagues had promotions falling into their lap after leisurely doing half-ass job.

I am not dumb..... Clearly I was not happy with situation. Very unhappy and frustrated. I did, I thought, everything right. I had my evaluations in written form, I had promotion coupled on me achieving certain marks. I did achieve them and I didn't get this promotion. A guy did get it. I went to my boss and asked very calm and not offended, why. What exactly did I do not good enough? Which points should I have improved next year? His answer was that I did everything right and things just are this way.

I left the company. After some talking in not so official atmosphere with few older colleagues, I think I understand what the problem is. My then boss never in his life had dealt with a woman that had the same level as him, and never ever with any woman in a higher position. It is just not in his world picture. And it is completely impossible to break through this with logic, financial arguments, good work. So in my POV quotas would be the only solution here.

I had few pretty heated discussions in OOT and in HF on this topic. Last discussion in HF started by an antifeminist manifesto of a google nerd. A manifesto that was completely wrong and so not helpful against the gender discrimination.

One of the points in the manifesto was basically that women are on average dumber than men in science.

I am now in a position, where I can gather some more statistically relevant data. I am a lecturer on math for engineers. I am doing now the preparation part, where basically all math from high school is repeated. The lecture consist of the lecture itself and of problem-solving classes. The first sheets were super simple. Some fraction calculus and I think the most difficult was to calculate a piece of triangle with law of cosines.

I expect every aspiring engineer to have 100% on this sheet. OK. may be 99% because of typos and so. 15% of the males in my lecture had below 50% on this sheets. 100% of young women had 100%.

So what should I do? I don't have an option to stop this men from studying an engineering profession.

And what does it say about an average male engineer versus an average female engineer?
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Old 10-06-2017, 12:24 AM   #1613
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Re: Cause and effect

Dear Universe,

please help me in the next hours. I am well prepared, I know what I want to convey in the meeting, I know which result I want to get. But I still need your help. With all I have done there is no guarantee that I will get what I want. It is pretty important to me.

Now I need a joke.
What kind of bagel can fly?.... A plain bagel.

Another positive thing I take from this forums is that it can just distract (had as first very Freudian slip "destruct") my mind when I start to obsess about something.

And I have to say "thank you" to Josie, although she has no idea what for. She pushed few times various people on this forum to take better care of themselves. It stuck with me. Went yesterday first time this year to beauty saloon. A bunch of face procedures and mani. I look a little bit better and I feel a ton better. The key was to find a cosmetician with whom I feel OK. It is pretty close contact. She touches my face and the procedure should be so that I feel pampered and relaxed and not tense and wanting it to end as fast as possible.
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Old 10-06-2017, 11:32 AM   #1614
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Re: Cause and effect

I'm thrilled! I agree that I never feel "pampered" but more like I'm enduring the service. I'm sure you look and feel amazing and confident and that's what matters.

You are prepared to do your best and that's all anyone can do, though having a mani and having your hands look fabulous and professional is just the icing on the cake.

Also, I bet your new hair cut and color suit you soooo well.
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Old 10-06-2017, 06:43 PM   #1615
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Re: Cause and effect

The Universe has been nice to me today. Everything went best possible way. Pretty sure that me feeling sharp (not sure about being ) has contributed to that. Gonna get two year project financed by state money. Can employ 2 PhDs on this project and get a lot of help from industry.

Thinking about how can I show some gratitude to the Universe.

Thinking about a super-sporty weekend. Plan is somehow distributed in the weekend: 3 hours of swimming, hours of biking, 30 min of running and 2 hours of yoga.

so crazy tired!
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Old 10-07-2017, 12:37 PM   #1616
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Re: Cause and effect

I can't stand if things aren't working the way they are supposed to!

My landline phone isn't working. GRRRRRRRR! I have this fancy schmancy VoIP phone and right now I can't call anyone and if people call me I hear the ring, but we don't hear each other when I pick the phone up.

AND! My faking provider doesn't have any service line on weekends.

How did I actually come to this provider? That is a good question! I won't change right now, because I have to move latest this new year and changing a provider is always pain in the butt.

But I am FUUUMMMMING right now. I can't just relax and make my peace with thought that I have my smartphone and I basically shouldn't even notice that my land line isn't functioning. And my internet works. That gives me some solace.

But GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
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Old 10-08-2017, 03:15 PM   #1617
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Re: Cause and effect

I spent few days at my parents place.

It was good. My mom made her peace with my hair. And I did a little piece of a very difficult project. I have difficulties to throw stuff away. My mom has that even more. She grew-up in post WW2 soviet union and it was not a lot of stuff there. That was kind of similar to the depression time in USA. And that stays with her. She collects stuff and food. The basement of my parents is full of canned food and drinks. They have pretty big house and it is plain to much stuff there. The situations where my mom knows that XYZ is there but can't find it are regular. It is also incredibly stressy. I try to push her to get rid at least of things that with 100 % guarantee will never again be used neither by her no by me. I am realistic. I don't want to declutter her household. I understand that for her it is comfort to have few years supply of canned food. But there are for example things that we got from goodwill when we just came to Germany. Neither my mom no me will ever again wear this things. They can't be transformed to dust rugs or reused in any sensible way. And in this visit I managed to persuade my mom to get rid of 10 kg of this old crap. We sorted through a small storage room, that is used just for such crap. We found few clothing items that my mom searched for for at least a year but couldn't find. And, the most difficult for my mom, we sorted through a box of clothing of my grandma (mom of my mom) who died many years ago. My mom managed to separate herself from few pieces of this box and I found few dresses for myself there. Now I have original 40ties vintage dresses. It all was very emotional and, I believe, very therapeutic for my mom and me too.
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Old 10-08-2017, 05:37 PM   #1618
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Re: Cause and effect

It seems like lots of people get the urge to do some sorting and tossing in the Spring and Fall, when the season change? Tomorrow's a holiday here in Canada - have a friend coming over in the afternoon for coffee, and she's bringing over some clothes she's considering tossing, and we're going to look over my pile as well Sometimes it can be nice to live in a place where there's 4 seasons - guess stuff can start piling up during winter hibernation, and during summertime when everybody would rather spend time outside than indoors keeping things tidy?

Besides clothes, have a pile of magazines have been wanting to clear out for a while now as well - some of them are really silly, but then start flipping through them and next thing an hour or two has gone by without much progress to show for it

Guess your mom's mom's stuff must have brought back a lot of memories for her? Would pictures of her mom hanging up in her home make her feel better, if she doesn't have some hanging up already?

Last edited by TrustySam; 10-08-2017 at 05:42 PM.
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Old 10-09-2017, 10:18 AM   #1619
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Re: Cause and effect

Hi Sam,

That is super cool idea to sort through clothing with a friend. You can swap things. I believe that material environment (things, how chaotic they are, which things are exactly around you) is very connected to psyche. It mirrors the psyche and it can pull and push psyche one or other direction.

With my mom... She never really dealt with death of her mom, although it is already more than 15 years in the past. A lot of things remained unsaid between both and my mom feels guilty because she worked a lot last years of my grandma instead of spending time with my grandma. My mom put away all pictures of my grandma and everything what reminds of my grandma because she dissolves completely everytime something reminds her of my grandma. She basically chooses to bury this trauma because she can't deal with it. It was big deal that she sorted through this box and even separated herself from few pieces of it. That alone was worth it to dig through this storage room piece by piece..
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Old 10-09-2017, 03:36 PM   #1620
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Re: Cause and effect

Missed call on my phone from unidentified number.

That causes an immediate onset of anxiety. All possible troubles, all who have this number are racing through my head right now. Who could have called me without disclosing their number? And why would anyone call me in incognito mode?

Possible trouble sources:
- Job. But I have never received an incognito call from the job. So .... improbable.
- I have a legal action going on. Again an incognito call at 6 PM very improbable.
- My parents.... Again never incognito
- community center........ That one could totally be. They have such a bad habit to hide their number and to call at 6 PM.
- Dima/other men. Naaaahhhhhh. such childish games. Nahhhhhhhh. I don't believe it.

Puhhhhh. Good that I have written that down and went one for one over every possible thing. The anxiety wave rolled back.
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Old 10-09-2017, 08:24 PM   #1621
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
Hi Sam,

That is super cool idea to sort through clothing with a friend. You can swap things. I believe that material environment (things, how chaotic they are, which things are exactly around you) is very connected to psyche. It mirrors the psyche and it can pull and push psyche one or other direction.

With my mom... She never really dealt with death of her mom, although it is already more than 15 years in the past. A lot of things remained unsaid between both and my mom feels guilty because she worked a lot last years of my grandma instead of spending time with my grandma. My mom put away all pictures of my grandma and everything what reminds of my grandma because she dissolves completely everytime something reminds her of my grandma. She basically chooses to bury this trauma because she can't deal with it. It was big deal that she sorted through this box and even separated herself from few pieces of it. That alone was worth it to dig through this storage room piece by piece..

Guess the magazines bring me comfort, because the pile feels nice to have in case am ever bored and desperate for something to do - like if the internet gives out, or the power goes off? They're super silly though, so it's especially nice to have a friend there to reassure me that it'll be no great loss to toss them

That's great that you were able to get mom to sort through the stuff - it sounds like maybe this might not have been the first time you've tried to see if she might be willing? Guess support of loved ones can sometimes be tricky, if sometimes they might be glad to have a little help from someone who cares, while other times they may not be ready and that may mean having to accept things as they are?

That must be hard for you if she has ongoing health issues - but perhaps if your mom was open to tackling clutter after not feeling up to it for so long, maybe a time will come when she may feel more ready to try something new when it comes to her health issues?

Congrats on all your ebay sales, and securing that funding - glad to hear things are going well for you Lapka!! Bet the hair looks nice!!
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Old 10-10-2017, 06:23 PM   #1622
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Re: Cause and effect

Dima wants me back. I don't want to go back.

.............

I can't explain it logically. He swears now to stand by me and support me and go with me through whatever might come with topic children and everything else. Basically he tells all the right things. But I just .... It is not even that I don't believe him. I just don't want to be with him any more. This feeling of being so connected..... This what made me say "yes".... It disappeared. I don't know. I can talk to him and it doesn't touch me on emotional level. He is now in Germany staying in a hotel. He wants to talk continuously. I give him the opportunity. I think I hope that he manages to say something to make me feel connected again. But till now..... I feel nothing. It is funny.... Usually I am very revengeful girl. Here.....I don't even think about him when we are not directly talking.

I know exact moment when this connectedness disappeared: when he was obviously happy ( or like granddam said "felt a relief") that I couldn't go into the next round of IVF due to my health.

I don't think that I will see him after this week ever again.
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Old 10-11-2017, 05:06 PM   #1623
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Re: Cause and effect

Just from your first few posts without reading the rest - obsessive-compulsive disorder. It looks like it's your hereditary, mean your mom's problems with the stuff in her house. You do need a therapy. Just give it a try. For fun or whatever.

Last edited by Burulbash; 10-11-2017 at 05:26 PM.
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Old 10-11-2017, 05:43 PM   #1624
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Re: Cause and effect

It won't hurt but could benefit you a lot through your life. Check the quantity of a word "therapy" in posts by you and the likes of it - cog. bug, depression etc. Almost in every post, you know... kind of begging.

Last edited by Burulbash; 10-11-2017 at 05:58 PM.
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Old 10-12-2017, 12:31 AM   #1625
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Cause and effect

^^
I don’t agree that therapy is for everyone, especially in the setting of a drs office. I do think issues that affect/cause you distress should be talked through but a lot of the times friends/ family/ co workers can be just as helpful as any trained therapist. A lot of people even find that just acknowledging things that happen and writing them down can be quite therapeutic, which lapka tries to and I must say, does very well here.

I also don’t think it’s really very helpful to read a couple of someone’s posts and try to put a label on them or diagnose any conditions they may or may not have. I mean some people yes, indeed, one or two posts can be all it takes but not with this one my friend..
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