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Old 04-12-2015, 05:13 AM   #76
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Re: Cause and effect

Don't think I know personally any woman who can do a single pull up or even normal push up. So I'd say pretty normal for a woman who doesn't work out for strength regularly, while would be shameful for a man even if he doesn't work out at all.
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Old 04-14-2015, 05:16 AM   #77
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Re: Cause and effect

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Looks are important. Not necessary conventionally good looks, but interesting looks, looks that convey a certain personality, healthy looks.

Just got teased by this nerdy guy, who is doing freeletics. He can do pull-ups. Me not. Not a single one. So he totally held a monologue, about how I am weak woman, and he STRONG MAN, and I will always remain weak woman. But at the same time he gave me additional motivation: the day i am able to do a pull-up, I can come over, show, that I indeed can do at least one and he will cook for me and we will have star-trek night. That is a really good positive motivation. He is a really good cook and film evenings with him are always fun.
That freeletics site is pretty interesting, thanks . Might have to try out their free trial for a week or two.
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Old 04-14-2015, 11:03 AM   #78
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Re: Cause and effect


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That freeletics site is pretty interesting, thanks . Might have to try out their free trial for a week or two.
I like in it that you don't need no equipment or anything fancy. You can just start. That lowers this " I have to drive to the gym, change, shower and drive back" barrier.
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Old 04-14-2015, 11:14 AM   #79
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Re: Cause and effect

I have good friends. Not many but really good. They have been with me through depression, me being really fked up, and just through many years. Interestingly I have only guys as friends. Two last females, where something started to develop direction friendship have dropped me like a hot potato at the first sign of possible problems. One tried her charms on guy, with whom i was then in love, another just disappeared, when I got depressed. With guys it was somehow different. They all tried to pull me out of the depression, although I was resisting big time . I often wonder, if I deserve so good friends, like I have. But then I think, that they are not dumb. If I would be so ****ty, like I sometimes think, they would have dropped me already. This kind of reasoning helps sometimes with self esteem. You know, like :" I can't be so bad, if people are so good to me"
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Old 04-15-2015, 04:48 AM   #80
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Re: Cause and effect

I am travelling today. And somehow I thought about the post below.
Mcdo is definitely for me always in a travel situation. So although I have learning disability with it, I reread it and remembered how ****ty I was feeling after mcdo. So prepared now sandwiches and apples to take with me.
Hopefully this will help me to pass by the big yellow M.

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learning disability

I seem to have a learning disability in certain areas. I exhibit a certain behavior, which has a negative consequences and I still repeat it again and again. Now this post happens because I have eaten at Mcdo. Every time! Really! Every time I eat at mcdo, I regret it afterwards. It doesn't taste good and I feel like crap afterwards. Every time! Some people like Mcdo. I don't. And I still do it.

Mcdo is convenient. That is what made me eat there this time. God! I am just mad at myself! It is like black magic. And it is not so, that I am eating there every day. I have usually pretty healthy, "feel good" diet. But approx every 2 monthes I repeat this **** with fast food. I hate myself for that. I have no idea how to stop it.
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Old 04-15-2015, 09:06 PM   #81
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Re: Cause and effect

successfully avoided McDO.
I am now at my parents place, visiting for some days. It is difficult. A ton more difficult, than anything I ever done in my job. I am now here since two hours, and I already now would give anything for a good excuse to go back to my place. My mom doesn't respect no boundaries around me and is lethally offended if I maintain a minimum on autonomy. It is a constant struggle. Many of my binges are connected to the situation with my parents. I have even difficulties to describe range of emotions I am feeling now. But there is definitely nothing calm or chillig. Everything connected with my parents, feels like I have no skin at all.
Now is 3 in the night, so I am falling in bed. And I need a plan, at least for this days, that as first thing tomorrow
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Old 04-16-2015, 02:59 AM   #82
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Re: Cause and effect

I am often ambiguous myself with my expectations/wishes towards my mom. Like now. On the one side I want to go back to my place, because I dread afternoon, when she will be back from her job and will try to pull me to go shopping. I don't like shopping in itself as an activity. And shopping with her is always a disaster, where I seem to turn into rebellious teenager and she tries to make me buy, try on clothing I loath. I sometimes think how ridiculous that is that we have such discussions at my age, but I still seem not to be able to change that. I have tried just agree, nod my head, and say "yes, yes, yes" . I mean my outside, my appearance, is not the most important part of my identity, so I can allow someone else to define it. But the thing is, it is never enough. Then she demands, that I should be happy and make a happy face, when I try on things she wants to see on me. And tries to define, what I do in my free time, how I clean and whatever. I remember her last visit to my current apartment. She came in and immediately started to clean and redecorate it. My "Mom, it is my apartment" was immediately blocked off by "And you are my daughter, so I do here, what I think is needed to be done"

But that is just ranting. I need to decide what is my line today in the afternoon and stick to it. I don't want to go shopping. But she will insist on it. She will insist, that I pick her up at her job, and then insist that I drive her to the mall, and when we are there she will insist that it is silly to just stay in the car and insist on me going with her. I DON'T WANT. NO. BIG TIME NO.

Do I block it from the start? This means just letting my dad pick her up. I mean it can be easier than ending-up with her in the car in parking lot at mall, and then declining to go further. How do I say, that I won't be picking her up? i don't want to be confrontational, but if it is needed, then be it. I can give an excuse. I have even a good one. I will have some moles removed today, and I can say something like that I am uncomfortable in a mall because of that. Or I can say that I hate malls, but would love to go for a walk with her. We have here around now apple orchards in bloom. And I would love and it would be healthy for both of us just to stroll there for a while.

But at least I have calmed down now a little bit.

Last edited by lapka; 04-16-2015 at 03:10 AM.
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Old 04-16-2015, 03:32 AM   #83
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Re: Cause and effect

This problem will probably not go away without you being confrontational. It seems like she has a hard time letting go and probably means best but that doesn't change a lot. You cant have someone else 'define' your looks because you've grown tired of saying no. Or at least, thats how I interpreted that part, you're making yourself miserable by trying to conform to the things they/she makes you do and which you dont even like. You're a grown person, you should be able to decide for yourself. Good luck these few days!
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Old 04-16-2015, 12:43 PM   #84
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Re: Cause and effect

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This problem will probably not go away without you being confrontational. It seems like she has a hard time letting go and probably means best but that doesn't change a lot. You cant have someone else 'define' your looks because you've grown tired of saying no. Or at least, thats how I interpreted that part, you're making yourself miserable by trying to conform to the things they/she makes you do and which you dont even like. You're a grown person, you should be able to decide for yourself. Good luck these few days!
tx for support.
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Old 04-16-2015, 12:46 PM   #85
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Re: Cause and effect

surprise surprise!

Had a totally relaxed cool afternoon. My mom haven't even tried to push me into a mall. We are sitting now in the living room she with her computer, I am with mine and I am helping her to find some historical infos. I like it. Miracles do definitely exist.
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Old 04-16-2015, 07:27 PM   #86
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Re: Cause and effect

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surprise surprise!

Had a totally relaxed cool afternoon. My mom haven't even tried to push me into a mall. We are sitting now in the living room she with her computer, I am with mine and I am helping her to find some historical infos. I like it. Miracles do definitely exist.
Tell her this. That you enjoyed yourself today. That you enjoyed her company.
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Old 04-17-2015, 05:05 PM   #87
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Re: Cause and effect

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Tell her this. That you enjoyed yourself today. That you enjoyed her company.
I have. I love her and cherish every good moment with her. I am painfully aware, that our time here is final, and that I have may be another 10 years with her. Every time I think of this finality of our time together I regret so much every confrontation. But I am somehow still not able to be always good an nice and bite my tongue. We have a very emotional relationship. I love her and I know, that she loves me, but somehow we are still not able to behave so, that it is always nice and good and enjoyable for both.
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Old 04-17-2015, 07:11 PM   #88
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Re: Cause and effect

So, you both want to be in control. What is it that you think she is afraid of?
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Old 04-18-2015, 04:07 PM   #89
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Re: Cause and effect

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So, you both want to be in control. What is it that you think she is afraid of?
Oh, YES. That is very spot on. We both are very much in habit of having control. To give it up, feels really really bad. And I would like myself also learn to be comfortable with less/completely without control. I mean just to let things happen and be happy/content with the way they just happen.

She is afraid, that if she gives up some control, then everything will go down the drain. Apparently her "horror" picture is, that I will end-up without a job, without a family or friends, unable to take care of myself in any sense. I try to soothe this anxiety by recounting, that I do have education and a job already for many years, I do pay my rent and taxes, I am functioning member of the society, I have some friends, and basically I do function without her guidance and support already for many years. That does not help, but I achieve rather the opposite. She gets even more anxious.

Tomorrow I am allowed to cook a family dinner in her kitchen. She started today by giving me VERY detailed instructions, what, how, how many minutes and how big pieces of onion should be. I asked, what does she think, will be worst case, if she won't give me any instructions. We both came to the conclusion, that even worst case ( I leave a mess in the kitchen and dinner will be not eatable) is not the end of the world. Now she tries to let it loose, but I see, that it is a battle for her.
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Old 04-18-2015, 04:50 PM   #90
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Re: Cause and effect

So far, you are describing my mother perfectly. But, in my case, I began to understand that her behaviour sprang from her relationship with my father.

He is a teddy bear, my dad. Everybody loves him. He is so laid back and mellow. But my mother was very lonely in her decisions and her responsibility. He wanted none of it. She handled everything. He just wanted everybody to like him. I didn't see this until I was older. She was like a mother to him too. Somebody had to be the grown-up.
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Old 04-19-2015, 12:22 AM   #91
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Re: Cause and effect

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So far, you are describing my mother perfectly. But, in my case, I began to understand that her behaviour sprang from her relationship with my father.

He is a teddy bear, my dad. Everybody loves him. He is so laid back and mellow. But my mother was very lonely in her decisions and her responsibility. He wanted none of it. She handled everything. He just wanted everybody to like him. I didn't see this until I was older. She was like a mother to him too. Somebody had to be the grown-up.
Here is very similar. Relationship between my parents is very screwed. My father is socially completely inept with a lot of asperger features. He had not held a job in the last 25 years. Basically my mom always handled everything including being the only bread-winner in the family for many years. Clearly that contributes to the habit of controlling everything.

And it is true that age changes perspective. I also didn't see many things until in my twenties. As a child I was completely father's princess, now I am barely on speaking terms with him.

Last edited by lapka; 04-19-2015 at 12:28 AM.
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Old 04-19-2015, 03:00 PM   #92
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Re: Cause and effect

I am anxious to hear how your dinner went? How many people? Were you pleased with the outcome?
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Old 04-19-2015, 04:30 PM   #93
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Re: Cause and effect

Dinner itself was nice and relaxed and good. Preparation was a little bit turbulent .

http://allrecipes.com/recipe/german-rouladen/ That was the basic recipe. I changed a little bit points 3 and 4. I had put some oil not butter in the pan and roasted roulades in it. Then took it out and had put in the same pan fine sliced onion, carrot and capsicum (not sure if it is really called so, but it is that: http://www.natureandmore.com/produkt.../image_preview). Roasted it a little bit and then put half a bottle of wine and about cup of boullion. Then let it simmer and added salt and pepper after sampling. Then added some creme fraiche and put rouladen back in it. Closed the lid and let it simmer for another 30 min. Side dish was just steamed broccoli and potatoes.

The preparation was relaxed, until my mom noticed, that I had opened the wrong glass of pickles. Up to this point she didn't try to take over. But after this glass of pickles, she went ballistic. I couldn't keep my **** together, started to cry, and to pack to leave immediately. It is also clear, that she didn't intend that, she didn't want to be hurtful. She apologized and we ended in each others arms both crying. The remainder of the evening was nice and relaxed. It was cool to see a part of my extended family. My uncle and aunt and cousin came, so it had been 6 persons.

Dessert was a very undietic cake and more healthy strawberries and honey melon. I managed to avoid the cake!JOJOJO!

I think it went really good. Only one slip -> it is good.

And I should really really start to use my camera.
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Old 04-20-2015, 03:37 AM   #94
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Re: Cause and effect

Writing things down is useful tool in magic. One thing with which it helps, is to organize things in the head and to understand, why this or that emotion came to the surface. And i do believe, that although all 2+2 is completely rational , the thing which drives us (me) is not a rational thought, but the emotion. So to sort through emotional staff can be very useful.

Just now I am upset. I still apply for different jobs and intend to do so until i have signed a contract I REALLY like. One of the positions is pretty ok and I did the telephone interview some weeks ago. After we send each others some feed back:

basically i wrote to them: Yes i would like to do a personal interview
they responded: we like you, what do you think about freelancing for us
i answered with a number of questions to the position and that I definitely won't do any freelancing

I haven't got any response for 2 weeks, so I just called today. The guy said, that there is a misunderstanding and scheduled an appointment for a second telephone interview.

Somehow I am now upset. I go in my head through things, which could be a misunderstanding from our first interview. And i don't like the idea, that may be I got wrong the responsibilities, which are connected with this position. And I made fool of myself by asking questions based on what I thought the position is about.

When I write this down it sounds silly. I have to learn to make fool of myself and stay happy in the procedure.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. So going now to work-out. May be that will calm me down.
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Old 04-20-2015, 12:40 PM   #95
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Re: Cause and effect

Dinner sounds fantastic. I'm glad things worked out.

Writing things down after an interview is certainly sensible. I have found some interviewers to be unclear in exactly what the responsibilities of the job actually are.

I think sometimes, they have a particular job in mind, and begin interviewing people.
During the interviews, they discover candidate X, whom they like,but he or she is missing some of the qualifications needed. So they keep interviewing, but now have amended the description slightly, because they would like to hire X, but have some areas they still need to cover. Some interviewers do this on the fly, so you can end up not knowing exactly what they want.

They're thinking out loud while you are sitting there. It's a good idea to have notes.
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Old 04-22-2015, 05:52 PM   #96
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Re: Cause and effect

Restless, anxious, ruminating, on the verge of tears -> PMSing.
And it is not even funny how much I am slave of the intern chemistry. And understanding it, where the mood comes, doesn't change it a little bit. Looked today out of the window: fantastic day, sun is shining, fruit trees in blossom, spring is there. And... started to cry, because all that beautiful day indicates that the time is passing, another spring in my life, and the death is coming. Totally do get, how stupid that is. Did get that also in that moment. Do get that it is solely PMSing. But it changes nothing!!!!!!!!!! The ratio is not able to combat hormones.
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Old 04-23-2015, 09:29 AM   #97
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Re: Cause and effect

I have read your posts on other threads. You are astute, and insightful with your compassion when called for. How come you can't apply some of this compassion to yourself?
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Old 04-24-2015, 07:21 PM   #98
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Re: Cause and effect

Thank you for kind words. That means a lot to me.

I think we miror strongly in many aspects of our behaviour what our social environment does. We treat other people the way our environment does. That partly contributes to the dynamics of victims and bullies in the school, peer pressure and other social concepts. But that applies not only to how we treat others, but also to how we treat ourselfs. What we think of ourselfs, how we treat ourselfs, is determined much less by any objective measures, than by how we are treated by our environment.

A major part of my social environment, my parents, never had any compassion for me. My mom constantly criticizes me, and justifies it, with, who else if not she, would ever tell me the negative truth about me. And that she wants only my best, she wants me to improve. I do kind of the same with me.

And I think compassion is a two sided sword. I had a female friend, who was very compassionate. Whenever I told her about any kind of problems, the reaction was " OOO, you poor poor thing. That is so horrible, what happened to you". And that somehow gave me always significantly worse feeling, than zero compassionate reaction from my asperger friend "No one cares about your problems.".
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Old 04-27-2015, 10:07 AM   #99
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Re: Cause and effect

[/QUOTE]A major part of my social environment, my parents, never had any compassion for me. My mom constantly criticizes me, and justifies it, with, who else if not she, would ever tell me the negative truth about me. And that she wants only my best, she wants me to improve. I do kind of the same with me.[/QUOTE]

I thought about this and realized that I have been criticizing my grandson quite a bit lately in this exact way. He is maturing at a rapid rate, and, between his sneakers and his t-shirts, he smells!

I haven't been very kind about it, but, after reading your post, I realize that I am so frustrated because of fear. I want him to be accepted by his peers, I want him to be socially accepted, and I've been thinking that it's better that it come from me than strangers.

But, I need to rethink the way I'm handling this. Lesson learned.
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:16 AM   #100
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Re: Cause and effect

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I am in the second round, with this job in Hamburg.
Feel completely empty. I somehow never had this good victory feeling.
Every success, every passed exam, every shipped tourney, every achieved goal feels always not "cool! let us celebrate!", but instead "I want to crawl under my blanket and just stop existing for a while". I do understand, that it is because the adrenalin rush subsides, and after you have given all for a while, and then you are there, just physiology of a human being is so, that it feels rather low.

Anyway. Second round is end of april. I need again to prepare well, because second round is not yet completely there.
Have an offer for this job. Will later write a longer update about second round. I have now two weeks to decide on this offer, or to try to negotiate something better.

Just binged. Estimated damage 2000 ckal. I am going now to work out and start with cardio 20 km run. That should mitigate the damage, if I really can do it. Will also report later, if I succeeded with this work-out.
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