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Old 10-07-2015, 06:38 AM   #301
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Re: Cause and effect

stumbled upon one of my old posts from the depression time
https://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/sh...&postcount=231.

It was not so long ago, but I feel like eternity has passed. Probably because I am in a very different place right now. Interestingly there is in the same thread a post from a guy , who is still on 2+2 but with different nick. He is still at the same place, where he has been two years ago. I don't want to out his nicks.

I must be doing something right
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Old 10-07-2015, 07:28 AM   #302
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Re: Cause and effect

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Old 10-07-2015, 08:54 AM   #303
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
stumbled upon one of my old posts from the depression time
https://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/sh...&postcount=231.

It was not so long ago, but I feel like eternity has passed. Probably because I am in a very different place right now. Interestingly there is in the same thread a post from a guy , who is still on 2+2 but with different nick. He is still at the same place, where he has been two years ago. I don't want to out his nicks.

I must be doing something right
The best thing about this is the KNOWLEDGE. If you ever find yourself sinking again, you will know that it's possible to get past it. This knowledge will shorten the time and decrease the severity. So happy for you!
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Old 10-08-2015, 05:52 PM   #304
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Re: Cause and effect

A guy asked me on a date. I don't know what to do. I like him. A lot. He is the first guy in my life who has not added problems but instead helped me to resolve some of mine. He is wonderful, he can cook, he likes cats, he never goes on my nerves and is always there when I need him. I would describe him as a strong shoulder, although he sees himself as a weakish, nerdy, socially inable gamer with issues. For EVERY, really for every, no matter how catastrophic, terrible problem I describe to him he has a very cool, rational solution.

I think that he likes me at least a little bit. I mean until now every of our dates was his initiative. So it can't have been so bad for him... At least I think ?

Problems:
He is to young for me. 10 years age difference is a lot. And when I asked him how he feels about that, his response was that with me everything is less stressy than with girls his age. I don't try to make him go dancing or socialize, because I know he just doesn't like it. He is perfectly fine with me going out without him.

I am to insecure and feel like I am not good enough for him. I have to take hormones since two months and as consequence I gained weight. I have no idea how much, because I am too scared to weigh myself, but my trousers are getting tight. That adds to this feeling of inadequacy. And I am not gonna diet. I have found more or less stable state with food, without any big binges or anything to screwed. I don't think to much about food in the last month or two. And there is no guy in this world for whom I would endanger that.

And the question which I have to answer in the next 12 hours, is yes or no to a date this saturday.
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Old 10-08-2015, 06:11 PM   #305
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Re: Cause and effect

Lapka, you make me smile. You say that he gives you rational, good advice to every problem. He has already given you rational, good advice about dating him. Why don't you trust what he says this time?
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Old 10-08-2015, 07:03 PM   #306
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Re: Cause and effect

What are your ages. 10 years means different things depending on how old you are.

Even then, you are coming up with wrong reasons not to go out with him and dismissing good reasons to do so.
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Old 10-08-2015, 11:33 PM   #307
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Re: Cause and effect

I am in my thirties. I am pretty sure that I will go out with him. Actually not go out, because he hates that, but have a cooking date and a film at his place. He has a lot better kitchen than me.

The idea from granddam, to think, what would he have said to me about all that is good. He would have said that if I would be to fat/old, he just wouldn't have asked me for a date.

I am to scared. I am insecure. I have issues. And on top comes that I have been solo for so long that I am not willing to sacrifice much.

Writing helps. Somehow writing down some of my thoughts makes it obvious how ridiculous they are. And comments also do help. I can't explain it well, but it is somehow that if I hear/read/see the same idea from different directions it becomes my reality.
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Old 10-10-2015, 06:06 AM   #308
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Re: Cause and effect

Weight rant

I have got a text from my cousin today. A text without any comment, just a link to some obscure page for some weight loss pills. What the fk should I do with that? If I interpret that whole thing the best possible way for her: She saw me some days ago, saw that I have gained and now assumes that I want to loose it back and so wants to help me.

If I now do a list of priorities in my life:
I want to be pregnant
I want to be healthy (correlates with number one and includes not obsessing about food in any way)
I want to have healthy relationships with my family
I want to be happy at my job
I want my financial status so, that I don't think about money at all (to little is not good, to much is also not good)
I want to have good friends
I want to have a SO in my life
I want to make a positive impact on some societal things

Loosing weight is not on that list. Why does she assume that I want to be like her. She weighs 85 pounds now. I don't want that. Who the fk sets this anorexic ideal? A restrictive diet for me now is completely out of question because it could have negative impact on my number one priority.

And the question for me now, how do I react to this text? Do I react at all or do I just ignore it? One thing on which I want to make impact is to reduce the obsessiveness with weight/fat/appearance things in the society. I think in this spirit it is good to just ignore this message. May be would be also wise not to post that here at all.

I remember my first diet. I was 11. And I was as thin as a child can be this age. I was dancing ballet and there was just no fat on me. Once I was jumping and my dad commented that the flesh on my thighs is jiggling around and I should loose it so that nothing moves when I jump up and down. It had set off my first fasting episode.

Grrrrrrr. I am totally riled up. I want to answer this cousin, but I am pretty sure that an answer won't change anything.
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Old 10-10-2015, 07:02 AM   #309
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Re: Cause and effect

Just blow this off and let it go. You are probably not so much angry at her personally as you are at the world in general for having this attitude. In her mind, she probably meant well.

It IS a legitimate source of anger, though. My mom was fat her entire adult life. It affected her negatively constantly. I hurt for her. She was the best. But she was an emotional eater, and could never get a handle on her weight. I try not to judge, but I'm in the minority.
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Old 10-11-2015, 03:46 AM   #310
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Re: Cause and effect

Am so pissed-off with this weight remarks that I have improved my best time for 5 km run. I have such a standard 5 km route that i run regularly. I do it every time under 30 min and my best time until today was 25 min. Now it is 24 min. JEJEJE! Feel immediately not old and not fat.

Next time she gives any crap, not only to me but in general, about weight, I will challenge her for a run.
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Old 10-11-2015, 09:34 AM   #311
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Re: Cause and effect

Well? Did you have a date last night?
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Old 10-11-2015, 12:36 PM   #312
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by granddam View Post
Well? Did you have a date last night?



I sometimes wonder how the human race manged not to die out. I was wasting a lot of thoughts on me being to old/to fat/not attractive enough for him. He was wasting a lot of thoughts on being not enough high status/not good enough in bed. And we did have a date despite all this thinking! All completely nonsense thoughts. It was good... Actually like every date until now with him. He makes me more at peace with myself, more normal.

I have no idea which direction that all is going. But until this point it feels good. But I think one of the reasons, why it is good, is that I do not expect anything. It is not a real basis for a relationship. I mean a relationship is defined by a set of expectations of two people towards each other.

I have no clue.

Last edited by lapka; 10-11-2015 at 12:48 PM.
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Old 10-12-2015, 04:37 AM   #313
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Re: Cause and effect

I love the internet.

Until now internet has been really good to me. It helped to resolve basically every question, I posted. That means normal questions, like how to repair a bike and complicated questions, like what to do in this or that relationship situation. I love that.

One rule of a thumb is that if more that three people do answer and all three answer the same, the probability is near 100% that they are right. I am lucky that I am able to accept such advice and do that even if I think something different.

In other news. The weather is wonderful. Indian summer. I am up direction woods on my next mushroom foray.
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Old 10-13-2015, 02:16 PM   #314
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Re: Cause and effect

Mushrooms

Most of 2+2 lers are familiar with champignons. Some with porcinis or some more expensive kinds from the store. The minority goes themselves on a mushroom hunt. And it is good so, because mushroom poisoning can easily result in death or need of a new liver. If you are lucky then vomiting for two days. So I don't recommend to gather mushrooms yourself. I however do. But I am extremely careful and follow the main rule: If in doubt I don't take it. I do it because some kinds of mushrooms taste very well, are high nutritional value and it is fun to search for them.

Here is my result from yesterday. Please pay attention to my highly elegant shoes. I have met a group in normal city shoes and turn shoes in a forest. That was highly funny.


I wanted to introduce two of the kinds I gather: Please meet dotted stem bolete or neoboletus luridiformis:


Has a really strange colored red sponge on the lower part of the head. On the cut is blue/green/yellow. Dark cap! Dark cap is important since that is the only thing that differentiate it from highly poisonous relative rubroboletus satanas. As I first saw it, I thought "no way that it is healthy", because of very strange color. I mean combo of artificial looking red and blue on the cut..... But it is. It is not only healthy but pretty good tasting. It has very dense substance. Detail of preparation is that it has to be cooked for at least 15 minutes before doing anything else with it. and you can't use the cooking water for anything. It must be thrown away.

Its relative - bay bolete:


Yellow sponge, white leg, dark brownish head. The flesh is white on the cut. If you press on the sponge the color goes from yellow to green/blue. That one you can just throw in the pan with some butter and onions and after 10 ~15 min tasty side dish is ready.
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Old 10-14-2015, 06:44 PM   #315
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Re: Cause and effect

Blind bike riding

Was visiting a friend and went on a bike. It is approx 25 km. My light broke down. So on my way back, when it was already dark, I have been basically blind bike riding. The way itself goes through the fields, far from any of the city lights, and it has a few bumps, which I couldn't see. So the task has been to keep my bike under control, when I was hitting those bumps. Funny feeling not to see what is gonna to happen.
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Old 10-15-2015, 08:31 AM   #316
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Re: Cause and effect

It is dark outside. Indian summer is over. No sun for me .
I have some days off at my job, what is nice. So I slept in until 11 am, what is totally BS, because I now have a feeling, that half of the day just disappeared from my life and now three hours and some coffees later I am still not completely awake.

Today todo:
wake-up
pull out the winter decoration out of my cellar
chores
poker and goof around the internet
work through my mail and emails (no idea why, but I tend to procrastinate this one big time)

Am starting with the last, because the big frogs should be eaten first.
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Old 10-16-2015, 03:53 AM   #317
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Re: Cause and effect

I am sore.

A really good friend has been pushing and pestering me to do freeletics. www.freeletics.com. I didn't really want to and the whole thing and the page has been rather annoying instead of motivating. And anyway I am old enough to know when and how to work-out. But this friend has been persistent enough and took me by the hand and walked with me through annoying points of the site and I didn't have any good arguments against other than "meeeh, don't likey" and so I am doing it now for three days. I am sore. And the cool thing is that the time investment is lower than going to the gym and there is basically no equipment necessary. So I am going to give it a go for at least a month.
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Old 10-16-2015, 10:14 AM   #318
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Re: Cause and effect

my mom - recurring topic here
I was just on the phone with her for 15 min. I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. She is overweight, has high blood pressure and a number of weight correlated health issues. She is also out of breath even when she is resting. I think that on top she is also has some major issues psychologically, although she would rather die than admit that. Anyway she speaks with such a tone of voice like a dying swan. And I do believe that that is actually how she feels. It is not to manipulate me. When I ask her what is wrong, the answer is that she worries about me. How the fk am I supposed to deal with that? What do I have to do to make her stop worrying about me? I would without hesitation do anything to stop that ****, only I am pretty sure that there is nothing I can do to change that. Nothing would help.

Basically she says that she feels like **** because of me. I intellectually know that it is not true. She would feel like **** if you take me completely out of equation. Problem is not me but her brain chemistry. But emotionally that is killing me.
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Old 10-17-2015, 04:02 PM   #319
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Re: Cause and effect

I am glad to hear that you are doing better with your depression. For many people it is a lifelong illness, and it's possible it may come back and rear its ugly head again. It does for me during hard times. (From your earlier post like a week ago).

About that guy - just do it! who cares about the age difference.

About your mom - that sounds really toxic. She can't be that worried about you if she makes you feel like **** about it. Sounds a lot like my mom, I don't speak to mine anymore.
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Old 10-18-2015, 12:13 PM   #320
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by jmakin View Post
I am glad to hear that you are doing better with your depression. For many people it is a lifelong illness, and it's possible it may come back and rear its ugly head again. It does for me during hard times. (From your earlier post like a week ago).

About that guy - just do it! who cares about the age difference.

About your mom - that sounds really toxic. She can't be that worried about you if she makes you feel like **** about it. Sounds a lot like my mom, I don't speak to mine anymore.
tx.

In other news: It is dark and winterly, but I have pulled out some light chains out of my cellar and candles, and seasonal decoration. It changes this tone of darkness.

Freeletics worlk-outs are surprisingly tough. have done today ares https://www.freeletics.com/en/workouts/ares. And pull-ups are killing me. I mean I can do now one right version. I think it is good progress, since 6 monthes ago it was zero. But 7 ...... No way. 7 I can do only assisted version for losers. Especially unnerving is that this friend of mine who pestered me into doing this and who is actually an unsporty nerd is doing easy 10 right one.

Last edited by lapka; 10-18-2015 at 12:19 PM.
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Old 10-18-2015, 05:43 PM   #321
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Re: Cause and effect

6 is not bad at all, especially for women. That's pretty good.
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Old 10-19-2015, 06:54 PM   #322
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Re: Cause and effect

Stressed out of my mind. I have to much on my plate.
Job+doctor appointments in another country+organizing the travel+all normal daily things

I often wonder how my mom did that. She worked her whole life 60+ hours, had all chores/cooking and household on her shoulders, looked amazing until in her fifties, always had time for make-up and high heels, and traveled a lot. And at the same time had no dishwasher, ancient washing machine and ancient vacuum cleaner.

What am I doing wrong?
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Old 10-19-2015, 07:38 PM   #323
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Re: Cause and effect

You're not doing anything wrong.

A good number of women from my generation felt we had to prove we could do it all. A good number of us were totally stressed, overwhelmed and unhappy. Some of us felt inadequate on top of it all, because we couldn't understand why it seemed so easy for others.

Most of us wouldn't or couldn't talk about it. Because, let's face it, we asked for equality.

You have nothing to prove, lapka. Do what you can, do what you enjoy, and learn to accept being mediocre at some things. You'll eventually look back on this time and laugh.
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Old 10-20-2015, 06:32 AM   #324
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Re: Cause and effect

I hate traveling.

I have traveled so much in my life: Kasachstan, Russia, Australia, India, UAE, Marokko and basically every country in Europe. And it still stresses me out. There is such theory that God/Universum/some kind of higher power does send such things your way so that you can learn. Basically that means that I have to travel a lot until I learn to do it easy, without any stress and may be even with enjoyment. That means that I have a lot of travelling before me in my life.

Tomorrow I am going to Netherlands. I mean it is basically like Germany. I understand language a little bit and almost everyone there speaks german or english, so communication shouldn't be a big problem. I have already been to Amsterdam, so it is not the first time in my life in Netherlands. But I worry for the way. I have to change from train to bus and back to train three times, and it is every time different transportation company. I imagine all things that can go wrong.

Worst case: there is some strike or accident and I miss all connections and miss my appointment. somehow not relaxing to really write out what the worst case could be.
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Old 10-20-2015, 06:44 AM   #325
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Re: Cause and effect

don't you have a car?
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