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Old 10-29-2018, 07:04 PM   #2601
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by Very Josie View Post
No, just because he's reaching out, it doesn't mean you owe him a decision or anything else for that matter.

and you're correct, he's never writing to you to "let's be friends".

You can read his email and:

1. Not respond at all. You don't owe him anything.
2. Respond that it was nice (or surprising) to hear from him but you are busy and you wish him well.
3. Actually respond to the content (most likely him wanting some lapka) in a positive way. "Sure, it would be great to see you."

Cliffs: I'm a poker player and I can tell you are not interested in 3., so your options are 1 or 2. You've got this!


That made me so laugh that I am so transparent.

Preferred option is 1. But it feels super naughty although I indeed don't owe him anything even if just because he ghosted me in a phase, where I was falling hard for him. And he knew it, he knew that it will throw me into some emotional turmoil. Anyway.... now he is a closed chapter and I have zero inclination to open it again. He wants to have drinks and talk. I don'T. And don't want to explain him why.
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Old 10-29-2018, 09:40 PM   #2602
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Re: Cause and effect

If he ghosted you, 100% don't reply Imo. What a jerk.
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Old 10-31-2018, 11:58 AM   #2603
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Re: Cause and effect

Halloween:

Things I am consciously letting die today:

- The story with the guy from post 2599. The story was actually already dead for long time. Today I have set a gravestone in form of a response to him, where I said exactly that and that I don't want any further contact. He is smart dude. I am sure he understood. So I have my peace here.
- I sorted my tool box and donated a bunch of stuff from there. I had three hammers and a ****ty electric drill that I used once in 15 years. So it is gone.
- The words I will let die are "not enough".
- I will think some more about people whom I knew and who are dead. I will think about granddam, if she is OK. I will think about my infertility. And I will think about one another story with another guy, I need to kill.

And then I will go to a Halloween party and feel me so alive and at the same time death so close. And that will make me so much more fun and so much nicer to everyone, because of the feeling of how fleeting is all that.
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Old 10-31-2018, 01:45 PM   #2604
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Re: Cause and effect

You mean need to kill the guy or kill the story?

How do you mean "not enough"? In the sense of not enough stuff or more like not good enough?
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Old 11-01-2018, 07:51 AM   #2605
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Re: Cause and effect

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You mean need to kill the guy or kill the story?

How do you mean "not enough"? In the sense of not enough stuff or more like not good enough?
Kill the guy is actually an idea. Naaaahhhh.... he has children and I somehow got a lot less blood thirsty since I started this log. (That is actually an interesting observation for myself. Somehow I had zero revenge ideas for pretty long time. . It is definitely a progress from really wishing cancer on my ex. ). So just kill the story.


"not enough" in both senses. Being enough (thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, cool enough, feeling enough in every sense) and possessing enough (enough stuff, enough money). Also I want to try not to think about others in this categories. It is not so easy. I am often more judgmental that I would like to be towards myself but also towards others.
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Old 11-01-2018, 11:31 AM   #2606
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Re: Cause and effect

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(That is actually an interesting observation for myself. Somehow I had zero revenge ideas for pretty long time. . It is definitely a progress from really wishing cancer on my ex. ).
I thought more about this. That confirms to me that his blog is highly therapeutic to me. I had very aggressive and vindictive thoughts towards a bunch of people when I started this. I haven't wished cancer on anyone for loooong time. Somehow..... And I don't write it just to be more likable or so.
That really changed and it is pretty big thing. It is somehow.... It is not so that people started to treat me better, and so I have no reason to be vindictive. It is more that certain things don't throw me so much in an emotional turmoil. Like for example when the guy ghosted me when I was falling hard for him. It would be long drama filled with me wanting him to be so in pain few years ago. It went like slightly unpleasant for about 5 min event recently resulting in me just stepping back and forgetting about him. I am really happy with this change.
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Old 11-03-2018, 06:21 AM   #2607
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Re: Cause and effect

A little political:

All USA#1 guys, go vote on Tuesday. I don't know what you are for, but go exercise your voting rights! Seriously! It matters!
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Old 11-03-2018, 03:22 PM   #2608
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Re: Cause and effect

I will definitely be voting on Tuesday. This year I even voted in the primary, which Iíve never done before. Iíve always thought voting was important, but youíre right, itís more important than ever this year.
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Old 11-04-2018, 07:46 AM   #2609
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Re: Cause and effect

Relationship with my mom is work in progress.
https://www.bustle.com/articles/1711...t-trip-you-for

Five points of nine are applicable to me. And it is trivial and obvious and boring but somehow it still isn't working on autopilot and I have to find way to feed the rational knowledge, that I don't have to feel guilty for having my own life, into my emotional self.
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Old 11-05-2018, 12:40 AM   #2610
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Re: Cause and effect

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Relationship with my mom is work in progress.
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Old 11-06-2018, 03:39 PM   #2611
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Re: Cause and effect

I love free rolls.



Generally the best thing I have done to progress in poker is to be always very overrolled and to play stakes where I am so sure to be +EV. I am probably +EV up to 3~4 levels higher than I am playing. But I sooooo don't want to go there. I feel good, where I am.
I made may be couple of pairs of shoes in free rolls. It is definitely not a big buck. But what is sooooooo much more important for me, is that it doesn't cost me my life. I am relaxed. I don't feel compelled to play. It is a nice cool hobby for me.

But anyway back to free rolls. Free rolls are cool because they are always +EV. It is comparatively hard to make a lot of money there with big field and well paid first place. But there are few obscure sites with fields a lot smaller than on PS and flatter payout structure, where it is a lot easier to make three fiddy. Free rolls are cool because you see plays like call of all in with 200 BB effective stack and 5 2 off. I like free rolls.

Just made in the money in one with completely flat payout structure. 100 first places each gets 60 $. It is nice. It was totally worth it with comparatively fast blinds.
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Old 11-07-2018, 04:23 AM   #2612
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Re: Cause and effect

I am playing on one site, where you can change your nicks and avatars and can't use a hud. Why the heck don't people do that? I mean changing the nicks and avatars. Site is not so big like PS. They have mostly 3~4 tables of nano PLO. So you basically guaranteed to play with same guys every time. And even if I don't take notes and just pay a tiny tiny bit of attention certain exploitable points are obvious and memorable, like pushing two pairs and lower straights all-in. Just collected 4 stacks in two hands from a guy based only on his nick that I remembered.
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Old 11-07-2018, 04:26 AM   #2613
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Re: Cause and effect

Need to go and run! Don't want. Ate the whole pack of cookies yesterday. 12 of them. Every single one of them tells me now to remain rooted to my chair. But I am stronger.


So off I go!
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Old 11-07-2018, 11:32 AM   #2614
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Re: Cause and effect

People are so nice to me. I get so much help in my job just because I drop by from time to time and have a chat with folks. Other people have to pay hours from their projects for such help. I get a lot of good food and free stuff just so because people know that if I won't use it I will find someone who will. I get help from completely unexpected directions. I get free trouble shooting for my private IT problems and help with renovation and moves. I get help with my work-outs. People somehow are really willing to invest their time and money to make my life better.

It is for me every time a surprise.
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Old 11-07-2018, 03:46 PM   #2615
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
obscure sites
Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
100 first places each gets 60 $. It is nice. It was totally worth it with comparatively fast blinds.
1. I am interested.

2. You understand that monies from those rooms might turn out as obscure , like, more often those are not really... real monies...
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Old 11-08-2018, 07:41 AM   #2616
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Re: Cause and effect

Crappy mood.

Just the thought of opening my emails makes me want to vomit. All super achievers, "getting things done" types go away. I don't even want to eat chocolate. Chocolate is annoying.

I mean it is seriously blurg. If I pose the question now like "what would I like to do right now. No limits. " There is nothing. I don't want sex, I don't want any food, I don't want any drugs, I don't want sleep, I don't want praise, I don't want calm and be left alone, but I also don't want to talk to anyone. Hmmmm......

I will go for a run. Like really long and hard. May be then I will at least start to want to stop running. And will go for a three days fast. May be then wish to shovel something into my mouth will come back.
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Old 11-08-2018, 11:49 AM   #2617
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Re: Cause and effect

If that's not seriously blurg, I don't know what is.
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Old 11-08-2018, 02:18 PM   #2618
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by chopstick View Post
If that's not seriously blurg, I don't know what is.


Running helped a little bit. Sorting through a book shelf and donating a pile has helped. Writing a plan for next week has helped. Generally having structured environment and plan helps always. Gives me somehow a feeling of control. Still have no real drive for anything but am a lot less annoyed and blurg.
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Old 11-08-2018, 06:53 PM   #2619
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Re: Cause and effect

Less blurg more purge.
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Old 11-09-2018, 08:06 AM   #2620
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Re: Cause and effect

Hotness is not enough Cause and effect

Sitting on a train. In diagonal seat a hot dude. Hot like outside of my league hot. Dude is obviously interested and starts flirting. I play along. In the course of the conversation he reveals that he is just out of jail. I stop for a second but then decide to continue at least to the point when I will understand what exactly has he actually done. But then the next sentence is like : " yeah... jail is actually not so bad. I had a room for myself and could work. The only thing is that I haven't had a woman for 6 months. " At this point I decide that I am not so comfortable in the role of his celibacy breaker and leave the train.


Edit: he definitely had amused me and I am in a lot better mood than before this conversation. Cause and effect

Last edited by lapka; 11-09-2018 at 08:24 AM.
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Old 11-09-2018, 01:14 PM   #2621
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Re: Cause and effect

Today is somehow a day of weird hook-up efforts. An older dude dressed business top-notch attire tried to get flirty. Considering that I am in my old, ratty, everything else than hot work-out clothes, I didn't understand it at all. + he looked at me completely slimy. Men have sometimes such look when the upper brain gets switched off.

No luck for him. Here I didn't even play along.

But it's funny clustering of such events.

Last edited by lapka; 11-09-2018 at 01:42 PM.
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Old 11-09-2018, 02:29 PM   #2622
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
Crappy mood.

Just the thought of opening my emails makes me want to vomit. All super achievers, "getting things done" types go away. I don't even want to eat chocolate. Chocolate is annoying.
Words

I think everyone has these days, very hard to open up, but I honestly feel like it builds character just saying what You want and how You feel . . .

I Just want to be Me, Much Love lapka. . .
Spoiler:
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Old 11-09-2018, 06:28 PM   #2623
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Re: Cause and effect

HOLLY **** ! SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON! I was just offered money for a kiss. I didn't slap the guy. He didn't get the kiss.
But I am kinda speechless. How much is my kiss worth? Holly crap.


Edit I am so laughing my butt off. It is somewhere between insulting and flattering. Especially because the dude was seriously cute and I am once again in everything else than hot clothing. It is sooo funny.

Last edited by lapka; 11-09-2018 at 06:34 PM.
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Old 11-09-2018, 07:02 PM   #2624
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Re: Cause and effect

You've got the kevorka...

Latvian for lure of the animal!
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Old 11-09-2018, 07:43 PM   #2625
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Re: Cause and effect

I thought about something like that... like time in my cycle and so.. But I have never before noticed anything like that. I have no clue and I am unsure if I like it or opposite.
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