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Old 10-22-2018, 06:29 AM   #2576
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Re: Cause and effect

Men

Another thing that remains difficult for me in the dating area is to take men for what they are, to believe them. Most are pretty fast pretty truthful with whatever jerkiness or neuroses they have. And plain really to hear and to see them and not to cover what they say or do with positive picture in my head is a challenge for me. Probably, naaahhhh, not probably, for sure I am this way not only in my dating life but also in normal every day interactions. I tend to err loooong time on thinking good stuff about people. Even when they repeatedly prove me wrong. Somehow..... Most of the time it is correct. Majority of people are good in a sense: helpful, truthful, nice, willing to invest some of their resources to improve situation for others. But sometimes...... Sometimes I wonder about myself. It is like a kind of blindness. People shout out, loud: "I am bad. I will hurt you. I care only about myself. I am a lair." And I don't hear it.

Bless my heart..... kinda.....

Going to work on that. One thing that is for sure, is that once it really settles in my head, that XYZ is really bad, i never go back. It didn't happen not once in my life. I don't do the game of separation and reconciling and separation again....
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Old 10-23-2018, 11:59 AM   #2577
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Re: Cause and effect

Just ended a phone call with my mom. It was again not good. She is ridden by anxiety and projects all that on me. That makes in turn me now super anxious. The trick is now not to call her again, because it will only make things worse. I have to step mentally away and calm down somehow.
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Old 10-23-2018, 01:41 PM   #2578
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Re: Cause and effect

And go meditate or take a hot bath or something now to reset back to superLapka state.
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Old 10-24-2018, 10:43 AM   #2579
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Re: Cause and effect

Managed not to call her again yesterday. But it was not easy and not a pleasant experience for me. Went for a loong hike and was whole time chewing on this stuff and fighting the impulse to call her and make everything good. The only thing that helped was that I knew with 100% certainty that it wouldn't be making anything good but the opposite. It was hard. Think when all your instincts, all your feelings tell you to do one thing and you are fighting it with your ratio.


Next step is to learn to dissipate the feeling of guilt and anxiety, when they are induced solely by my mom's bad mood, faster. They do dissipate. Today I was perfectly fine. But this 5~6 hours yesterday were highly unpleasant. And on top I was to late for yoga. That also has to improve, especially because yoga with rexx is good for my mood.
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Old 10-24-2018, 02:12 PM   #2580
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
how do people fall in love? How do I fall in love?

For me it is usually the projection of what I would like to see in a guy on a real guy. I basically never fall in love with real guy but always with what I would like him to be. With age it gets harder to fool myself, it gets harder not to see the reality and correspondingly harder to fall in love.
An old girlfriend once sent me an email circular joke when that was a thing. It went something like:

"Adam spoke unto God and said,
'God, why did you make Eve so beautiful?',
'So you would fall in love with her', replied God.
'But why did you make her so stupid?', asked Adam.
'So she would fall in love with you', God answered."

Actually though I think there is plenty of stupidity and general suspension of disbelief with both sexes.
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Old 10-24-2018, 09:24 PM   #2581
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Re: Cause and effect

Hiking is a good healthy alternative to calling your mum
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Old 10-25-2018, 08:49 AM   #2582
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Re: Cause and effect

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Sauna in Germany or am I prude?

I have changed gym. I was in a girl's gym and now in a normal both sexes gym. A part of the gym experience is for me sauna. Most saunas in Germany are for both sexes. And it is nogo to have a bathing suit on. You go inside naked with big towel around you and then lay on this towel. I know it, I use a spa pretty regular, but it is still not so relaxed like it was in girl's gym. And one thing that I really don't understand: There is a relax area after sauna, where you can just lay and look in the sky. Every woman wears there a bathrobe. Why the heck are the dudes there naked? Is it somehow like when the guys send me pictures of their private parts in hope that I feel obliged to do the same? Does it turn men on to be naked? I don't get it? And it so doesn't turn me on to see a bunch of naked men. It is slightly uncomfortable and requires mental effort to switch-off in such atmosphere.
I think the first question is whether the guys would be naked if there were no women around. I suspect the answer in Germany is "yes" - in which case the question is more, "should the presence of women change anything?" Given you've all just been naked in the sauna, it probably shouldn't.

You say look at the sky, so it's outdoors? The 4 great activities that are meant to be done naked all begin with an "S", namely, Sauna, Swimming and Sunbathing.

Not sure if you're prudish or not, I've been living in Europe for 16 years and went to a sauna for the first time this week (was great will go again). It's not that simple to suddenly cast off your upbringing etc. At this stage in being "Euro" I'd class myself as semi-naturist. i.e. not that I would specifically seek out places where everyone was nude, but e.g. a year ago I was on the beach in Spain with a restaurant booked afterwards, so I had to get changed on the beach with my wife holding a towel round and me standing on one leg trying to get my swimming trunks off, without anyone seeing me and I just though the whole thing was ridiculous - that why would it be a problem if a few of the women (many of whom were topless anyway) saw me for a few seconds as I get changed, but we have to do this ridiculous thing with the towel because it's expected.

In terms of men looking at naked women, yes it's nice but then so is looking at women in bikinis, looking at women in nice clothes and so on. The whole world is our porn film and merely putting clothes on doesn't change things that much. Unless you're a teenage boy who's literally never seen a naked woman in real life before then attractiveness > nudity.
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Old 10-25-2018, 02:58 PM   #2583
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Re: Cause and effect

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Originally Posted by LektorAJ View Post
In terms of men looking at naked women, yes it's nice but then so is looking at women in bikinis, looking at women in nice clothes and so on. The whole world is our porn film and merely putting clothes on doesn't change things that much. Unless you're a teenage boy who's literally never seen a naked woman in real life before then attractiveness > nudity.
Tx. Thinking of that makes me more relaxed in the sauna.
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Old 10-25-2018, 03:38 PM   #2584
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Re: Cause and effect

Glad to be of help.

How dark is it in the sauna? The one I tried in Slovakia is actually fairly dark in some rooms - to the extent that people entering sometimes had to be told where the free space is by people who have been in there longer and whose eyes had adjusted. In the steam rooms the dark and the mist both played a role. There are still areas like the showers which are mixed and well lit though.

It was mostly an older crowd ages 40-60. Not sure if that's because it's going out of fashion, or if it was just that particular (somewhat down at heel) place, or if you need to be past a certain age to really relax naked.
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Old 10-25-2018, 06:44 PM   #2585
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Re: Cause and effect

Where I am going it is well lighted.
I am surprised that there are mixed saunas in Slovakia. I Russia mixed sauna basically guarantees sexual context. Not so here in Germany.

I mean..... I clearly should just learn to relax better. But you completely hit the nail on the head with that it is not that simple to suddenly cast off your upbringing.
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Old 10-25-2018, 07:08 PM   #2586
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Re: Cause and effect

Bad mood. Like seriously bad mood. Borderline depressive. Nothing good happened today and a lot of bad stuff in my job. We lost two customers. One of them was basically paying for one of my projects.

Sooooooooooo........ How to get a grip. Main thing is not to swim, not to indulge in this bad mood.

That means for the weekend:
- get-up at 6 a.m. every day. Like REALLY get-up, get dressed, exercise as a first thing for 30 min (it doesn't have to be something ambitious. Just move my body so that it notices that it exists.), shower, make my bed and have my coffee. If I accomplish only that, it will already be not soooo bad.
- somewhere distribute two hours of chores. My apartment is right now in a pretty decent state, but vacuuming and a little bit love for the kitchen is good idea.
- Meditate: Basically with "meditate" I mean to go through worst case scenario, see what really bad can happen to me and what is just a diffuse anxiety. Write all that down and see what can I do to prevent something really bad from happening and even more important how can I make myself feel better about the situation.

Now: going to sleep. If the sleep won't come, will do all that "Meditate" stuff now. My main scare right now in this moment is that I won't be able to sleep.
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Old 10-26-2018, 01:57 AM   #2587
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Re: Cause and effect

Slept well and life is much better.

I am not sure why exactly the job news kicked my butt so much yesterday. I mean....... I have enough money on the side to basically retire tomorrow with my life style. So I am not afraid to lose the roof over my head, to not have money for food or not to have a health insurance.

But it was such doom and gloom in the office yesterday..... And I don't deal well with situations in between, where there is unclear what will happen tomorrow.
And I am deep **** scared to become like my father, who was unemployed for 30 years of his life. And my mom said every time when I changed jobs that I am exactly like my father.

Sooooo..... Plan is to continue the weekend like started: highly productive.

I am torn. In the back of my head there is this idea to just give a notice and do for a year or so nothing. But what if I won't like it. With tech it is so that there is almost no way back if you are out for a year. I wonder how did Chop come to the conclusion of leaving his job. Did he know that he doesn't want to go back?
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Old 10-26-2018, 07:08 AM   #2588
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Re: Cause and effect

I feel sooo smart playing nanoplo.
(not really. I totally realize the level of my donkyness. )


The difference to nano LH is that mistakes in PLO are more expensive. And somehow after few rounds at a table most players become so incredibly predictable. Something that is seen very often in plo is that people try to see the flop as cheap as possible 80% of the time and then fold to any bet anything less than a set. SMH......

I am not sure if this one is played smart. Probably not since I am plo donk, but whatever.

The hand was culmination of series of about 20 hands between me and BU. I lost in first three hands two stacks to him, then slowly got a stack back basically by only stealing the blinds and then got more than a stack back from the guy in the previous hand. I knew that he is tilted. And I also knew that he has AAxx. That is the only hand with which he tribets preflop. .....

I have to find a PLO equity calculator and see what it will say about the flop.
Raise pre- is because the table was so tight that stealing was very easy and somehow they failed to adjust.



Omaha Pot Limit - $0.10/$0.25 - 6 players
Hand delivered by Pokeit

UTG (Hero): $71.09 (284 bb)
MP: $38.65 (155 bb)
CO: $32.33 (129 bb)
BU: $41.76 (167 bb)
SB: $30.70 (123 bb)
BB: $9.75 (39 bb)

Pre-Flop: ($0.35) Hero is UTG with K 5 3 4
Hero raises to $0.85, MP calls $0.85, 1 fold, BTN 3-bets to $3.75, 2 players fold, Hero calls $2.90, 1 fold

Flop: ($8.70) 4 8 4 (2 players)
Hero checks, BTN bets $7.25, Hero raises to $30.08, BTN raises to $38.01 (all-in), Hero calls $7.93

Turn: ($84.72) 3 (2 players, 1 all-in)

River: ($84.72) 8 (2 players, 1 all-in)

Total pot: $84.72 (Rake: $2)

Showdown:
BU shows A 7 A T (two pair, Aces and Eights)
(Equity - Pre-Flop: 59%, Flop: 14%, Turn: 5%, River: 0%)

UTG (Hero) shows K 5 3 4 (a full house, Fours full of Threes)
(Equity - Pre-Flop: 41%, Flop: 86%, Turn: 95%, River: 100%)

UTG (Hero) wins $82.72


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Old 10-26-2018, 10:10 AM   #2589
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Re: Cause and effect

I must let it somewhere out.....

I don't like to be objectified. I am a complex personality that is a lot more than my body or my face or my voice. I understand that for men appearance of a woman is important and I like compliments, I like to feel attractive, I like all that. But I am more. And I can't stand being reduced only to physical part. And I generally don't do that to men. I try not to reduce them to their wallet, muscles, job or any other single aspect of their personality. I like majority of OOT and HF posters. And I think that all whose pictures I have seen are looking very fine. I am sooooo not gonna to participate in this judging guys against each other nonsense. Sorry if someone feels that I am spoiling the fun.
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Old 10-26-2018, 10:59 AM   #2590
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
Where I am going it is well lighted.
I am surprised that there are mixed saunas in Slovakia. I Russia mixed sauna basically guarantees sexual context. Not so here in Germany.
Right, it doesn't generally apply but for the one I went to I'm told it's the reverse, that its the 2 "all-male" nights that have a lot a sexual context going on, whereas for the mixed nights one of them is defined as 18+ and the other aren't. Apparently they tried all-female nights but almost nobody came. Some Slovak women are shy at being naked in front of each other anyway, so removing the men is only going to be make a difference to some of them.

Slovakia's probably closer in a lot of ways to Germany than Russia. The Slavic thing might be expressed in village culture, folk dancing etc but for city life the more important influences are that it was part of Austria-Hungary, is Catholic rather than Orthodox, has a Germanic based legal system rather than Napoleonic.

Interesting chart (also the letters not just the colours):
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Civil_...world_(en).png
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Old 10-26-2018, 11:08 AM   #2591
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
I must let it somewhere out.....

I don't like to be objectified. I am a complex personality that is a lot more than my body or my face or my voice. I understand that for men appearance of a woman is important and I like compliments, I like to feel attractive, I like all that. But I am more. And I can't stand being reduced only to physical part. And I generally don't do that to men. I try not to reduce them to their wallet, muscles, job or any other single aspect of their personality. I like majority of OOT and HF posters. And I think that all whose pictures I have seen are looking very fine. I am sooooo not gonna to participate in this judging guys against each other nonsense. Sorry if someone feels that I am spoiling the fun.
Lapka,
You're not spoiling the fun at all. FWIW this is never, ever, ever going to happen, so there's no point in letting it bug you.

Women are objectified all the time, and quite frankly, if the men didn't want anyone looking at them, they wouldn't post their pictures in the first place. But since it's not going to happen it's a moot point.

You're so much fun here, the last thing you do is spoil fun.

xoxo
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Old 10-26-2018, 05:43 PM   #2592
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Re: Cause and effect

I started with writing a whiny post in my usual whiny style. And somehow while I wrote I had found more and more cool and good and interesting stuff instead of "I am so miserable in the evenings".

Cool stuff:

there are a lot of people here, who understand how it is to be utterly and completely desperate and miserable. It makes it easier to write about it. It is only few hours in the evening for me last couple of days. Map that Lector posted about how law is distributed in the world is super interesting. Josie is not pissed-off at me for not playing along. Rexx is not pissed-off at me for being late to yoga. Actually a lot of people are not pissed-off at me. I could motivate myself today for a solid work-out. I have a plan for tomorrow. I am pretty sure that I will have good night sleep tonight (Progress compared with yesterday, where I was so scared that insomnia is back!). I had fun with poker today. (Thank you Universum for giving me control over GA. It is an absolute miracle, but I haven't had urges to do dumb stuff for ages.)

So much cool stuff.
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Old 10-26-2018, 06:57 PM   #2593
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
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I must let it somewhere out.....

I don't like to be objectified. I am a complex personality that is a lot more than my body or my face or my voice. I understand that for men appearance of a woman is important and I like compliments, I like to feel attractive, I like all that. But I am more. And I can't stand being reduced only to physical part. And I generally don't do that to men. I try not to reduce them to their wallet, muscles, job or any other single aspect of their personality. I like majority of OOT and HF posters. And I think that all whose pictures I have seen are looking very fine. I am sooooo not gonna to participate in this judging guys against each other nonsense. Sorry if someone feels that I am spoiling the fun.
My approach to this would have been to go in and make positive comments about both contestants and vote according to which puppy or kitten that they were holding. Generally the puppy would win but there are some very cute kittens out there! If no cute animals were present in pics I would then vote purely on who I liked the most on the day or possibly who had most recently made me laugh (yes I am that fickle) and tell the other contestant that unfortunately their elbows were too pointy and that they should work on that. However as Josie said it's not going to happen and if for some bizarre reason it did it would be such a ****e show shambles that exactly zero people would be taking it remotely seriously.
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Old 10-26-2018, 08:23 PM   #2594
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Re: Cause and effect

Lapka, such a positive post, even when you’re feeling less than great. Good plan for tomorrow. I always feel better when I have a plan to follow.
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Old 10-27-2018, 05:39 AM   #2595
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Re: Cause and effect

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My approach to this would have been to go in and make positive comments about both contestants and vote according to which puppy or kitten that they were holding. Generally the puppy would win but there are some very cute kittens out there! If no cute animals were present in pics I would then vote purely on who I liked the most on the day or possibly who had most recently made me laugh (yes I am that fickle) and tell the other contestant that unfortunately their elbows were too pointy and that they should work on that. However as Josie said it's not going to happen and if for some bizarre reason it did it would be such a ****e show shambles that exactly zero people would be taking it remotely seriously.

I didn't want to sound like a judgmental prick. I am definitely not above physical aspects of our existence. How you present it, it sounds like fun. How M presented it, it sounded like reduction of people to meat.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Very Josie View Post
Lapka, such a positive post, even when you’re feeling less than great. Good plan for tomorrow. I always feel better when I have a plan to follow.
Somehow in the morning everything is again normal.
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Old 10-27-2018, 06:40 AM   #2596
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Re: Cause and effect

I started this blog with some magic. I still believe in it in the sense like I wrote in the OP. Magic is one not so obvious causal connection between two things.

And now comes a magical time - Halloween. I like the interpretation of Halloween as a time to celebrate the death. I think today's society has a very unhealthy taboo on everything around death. I like to think of Halloween as a good time to let things die, to let go of stuff, dreams, certain feelings, excessive weight . I will celebrate Halloween by consciously decluttering my closet and my mind. I will burn a black candle and write on a piece of paper everything I want to die in my life and then really focus on releasing this stuff from my mind and burn this piece of paper. I will also think about dead: My grandmas. I knew both of them. And my grand- grand parents on one side. I will cook food they liked and think about transition between worlds of dead and alive. I will also think of how I was depressed and how close to the world of dead I was then. And I will celebrate being alive by an extra long run.

You might wonder what should this esoteric crap with black candle and burning pieces of paper do. I believe that it is good and healthy to let certain things die. And it is always difficult. Death is always a loss. The brain doesn't want to accept the death. I believe that the trick to accept the death is to change certain paths and circuits in your brain. And everything that might help to do that is a good idea. If burning a piece of paper helps to drive home the idea that certain feelings/ideas/thoughts are truly dead, burning will I do.
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Old 10-28-2018, 04:23 AM   #2597
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Re: Cause and effect

Cool day.

Trying to implement two life fixes:
napping for 1 hour after the lunch. That helps with evening nose dive of my mood. I can do it from my time management.

eating rather something like protein and veg in the morning and oats/bread as dinner. Carbs help with sleep.
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Old 10-28-2018, 01:15 PM   #2598
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Re: Cause and effect

Love it.
Told with humor things that I deeply believe. And another thing that I love in it is that she is for non-victim mentality. Basically she says that everyone has some big choices in life, and that are not something like " Do I marry this guy?" or "Do I take this job?". It is more:
Choice to live an integer life
Choice to take wisdom and not suffering from bad situations
Choice to take risks

I love how she explains it. "It is time for something new."

And the last one is something that I will add to my Halloween-death-celebration list: I will let one word of my vocabulary die. That means that the whole world that is connected with this word will not longer be there for me. I have to think about it a lot.

Love it.
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Old 10-29-2018, 11:48 AM   #2599
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Re: Cause and effect

Have an email from a guy that I don't want to open. Worst case scenario: he wants the continuation of a story we had and I then will have to think about what do I actually want and how to communicate it. Best case scenario: something completely meaningless ..... The bad thing is that I am pretty sure that he wouldn't write something like "let us be friends". Sadly but I am very sure that it is something that requires some kind of decision making from me, something I am so not in the mood to do now.

Meeeehhhh. Going to open it like now and then go running.
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Old 10-29-2018, 12:28 PM   #2600
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Re: Cause and effect

No, just because he's reaching out, it doesn't mean you owe him a decision or anything else for that matter.

and you're correct, he's never writing to you to "let's be friends".

You can read his email and:

1. Not respond at all. You don't owe him anything.
2. Respond that it was nice (or surprising) to hear from him but you are busy and you wish him well.
3. Actually respond to the content (most likely him wanting some lapka) in a positive way. "Sure, it would be great to see you."

Cliffs: I'm a poker player and I can tell you are not interested in 3., so your options are 1 or 2. You've got this!
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