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Old 10-09-2018, 06:34 PM   #2551
braindead11
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
And my post was very personal. This blog is not the mirror of my life. But it captures emotional spikes: positive and negative. And it is often personal. I am so grateful for not being trolled although I am huge mark with so much personal stuff.
I believe that "target" (instead of "mark"), reflects more correctly what you like to express here. Anyhow i am not a native speaker either, so i might be wrong.

And i can clearly see from majority of replies that most people following your blog have very positive emotions when it comes to you. For myself i can say that i value and cherish a lot your openness. Following your blog for long time already i can tell that it is very refreshing and makes me fell good to read something that feels 100% authentic all the time. Yes maybe on few occasions that makes you a target for trolling, but most of the time you will be good. Most people here like you a lot Lapka
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Old 10-11-2018, 02:34 PM   #2552
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Re: Cause and effect

spin-off from the dating thread
What does my avatar say about me? What is my current biggest problem?

I have actually zero problems for few days. You can often see that at the lack of updates here. My usual problem areas: my mom, bingeing, procrastination, men, general relationships with other humans, work are all in an area where they don't cause any suffering. I clearly can improve in all that areas: I could improve my job, I could fall in love again, I could stop eating my 200 cal of crap per day, I could spend more effort to keep-up my friendships, I could learn a certain tool (modelica) that would increase my job market value. But it is fine like it is right now. That doesn't mean that I won't start flipping out tomorrow about something like my mom upsetting me, or my project being killed, or falling in love with someone who doesn't love me or something else. But somehow .... right now everything is truly fine

My avatar.... I clearly wanted publicly acknowledge my connection with Russia and russian culture. It does in a way over life time show one of my bigger problems and at the same time one of my bigger strengths : immigration. It is very forming experience for my personality and a lot of what I am comes from that.
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Old 10-11-2018, 03:28 PM   #2553
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Re: Cause and effect

I think your avatar says a lot about you; regal, beautiful and a force to be reckoned with.

I hated your old avatar; the little girl/doll with the blacked out eyes. It always looks sad, lonely and depressed to me, much like Eeyore.
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Old 10-12-2018, 10:48 AM   #2554
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Re: Cause and effect

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I think your avatar says a lot about you; regal, beautiful and a force to be reckoned with.

I hated your old avatar; the little girl/doll with the blacked out eyes. It always looks sad, lonely and depressed to me, much like Eeyore.
Very well put. I liked the old avatar as maybe a week long thing, but this one seems a lot better fit longer term. I really like the "force to be reckoned with" from all your posting that seems very true. Especially with extra coaching/tips from chop!
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Old 10-13-2018, 06:45 PM   #2555
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Re: Cause and effect

Yupp. Chop is very cool and smart and helpful.
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Old 10-15-2018, 07:01 AM   #2556
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Re: Cause and effect

emotional dependence

It is sooooo funny how not unique all our problems are. I definitely have it. From my mom. Listened right now to a Russian psychologist and there soooo many points where I recognized myself.

One thing is how often I call my mom and dynamic of the calls. I call her every day. And sometimes it is good but more times, she doesn't even say something directly upsetting, she changes undertones, often, to a "dying swan" undertone. And it is sooooo incredibly hard for me not to start asking nonsense questions like " what did I do wrong?". And it is also so incredibly hard for me not to call her again in 2 hours and to try to make her feel good. I stopped doing that after few hints here from chop and greg, but it requires still conscious effort for me.

It is sooooo funny..... The psychologist in the vid is so right. It is difficult in both direction dysfunctional relationship. I know that I am the sense and purpose of life for my mom and she sooo doesn't accept that the sense and purpose of her life has its own will.

I am so feeling myself basically constantly guilty. Right now the newest thing for which I feel guilty is that my mom starts to think about what to do with inheritance. There is no good solution in Germany. You have to pay incredible taxes here. And she somehow manages to lead our conversation about that so, that I feel guilty for that. It doesn't help to say that I don't want this money and that she should spend everything on herself.

Another thing that the psychologist mentions in the vid: "Who else will tell you the truth." She says very often. This sentence justifies for her all degrading remarks in my direction.

It is difficult.

I also understand that it makes no sense to expect her to change. That won't be happening. It helps to approach it very consciously and stop myself as often as I can from sliding into dependent patterns.

I am sooooo glad that I managed to study what I wanted instead of medicine lie my mom wanted. You have no idea which will power it required.
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Old 10-15-2018, 12:17 PM   #2557
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Re: Cause and effect

It is difficult to find something interesting on youtube in psychology area. Most stuff is boring and goes like " 10 mistakes you make in relationships". I found today an interesting, sadly russian, psychologist - Елена Новоселова. Her vid on relationship between daughters and mothers and emotional dependence soooooo did hit the spot with me. So many things completely like I would have told them. Now a pretty interesting vid on men.
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Old 10-16-2018, 09:01 AM   #2558
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Re: Cause and effect

Listened more to this russian psychologist on relationship daughter-mother. It is soooo about me and my mom. Funny thing is that it is easier for son-mother. Apparently for daughter-mom it is basically not possible to therapy such dysfunctional relationships. The only solution is at every point to not to let my feeling of guilt lead me. It is apparently not possible to get rid of this feeling. The best possible is not to act on it. That requires also to be very aware of what do I really want. I want neither to be led by the feeling of guilt no by the feeling of protest. And I love my mom. I don't want her to be in emotional pain. But if that is the price for me doing exactly what I think is right so be it. The inner incredible anxiety is the price I have to pay for that in the moment. But long term .... I have never regretted any of my bigger decisions even made against my mom's will. I regretted few of the decisions made to please my mom.

It is soo funny for me how this psychologist literally discusses scripts that I have with my mom. It is really word for word exactly what is often said between us.
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Old 10-16-2018, 02:51 PM   #2559
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Re: Cause and effect

I like her approach. One of the things is that it makes no sense to cultivate any resentments towards my mom. And I do have big resentments in her direction. It is an effort for me not to blame my mom for everything that is wrong in my life.


The psychologist discusses also a bunch of pretty practical things about how to approach this separation exercise and still satisfy also emotional needs (to feel loved and feel significant and important in my life) of my mom.

A bunch of very interesting for me things in the vid. What is surprising for me is that not a single of my RL therapists went there. And I have a fair number of hours with a therapist in my past.
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Old 10-16-2018, 05:00 PM   #2560
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
Chop is very cool and smart and helpful.
за́йка - thanks, but I'm essentially a semi-functional idiot. I am pretty cool, tho.
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Old 10-17-2018, 05:46 AM   #2561
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Re: Cause and effect

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за́йка.
Cause and effect there are words that make me immediately all warm and fuzzy inside. That is one of those.
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Old 10-17-2018, 07:38 AM   #2562
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Re: Cause and effect

For people unfamiliar with russian: зайка = a bunny. And my mom calls me so sometimes.
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Old 10-19-2018, 03:41 AM   #2563
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Re: Cause and effect

Everything in normal range.

Handled few situations with my mom better. One example:
We were on the phone and I understood after few sentences that she is super upset and that it is not about me but about extended family. I also knew that I can't really help and that I can say nothing to make her feel better. So instead of trying to dig the situation I wrapped the conversation up. Knowing that she is upset was making me super anxious for few hours after. I had a strong impulse to call her and try to improve the situation. I didn't because I understood that this call would be not about her but solely to sooth my anxiety. I also understood that it would have made everything only worse. We had that often enough.

Pretty pleased with myself in the situation.
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Old 10-19-2018, 03:42 AM   #2564
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Re: Cause and effect

Well done.
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Old 10-20-2018, 05:30 PM   #2565
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Re: Cause and effect

I was wondering in Tapatalk who posted such pretty flowers in my blog. I know now.
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Old 10-21-2018, 06:15 AM   #2566
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Re: Cause and effect

Need to focus for 30 min on writing a letter. Don't want, procrastinate like a pro. Soooooo.... Now I will do it for 30 min and hopefully having made then some progress.
Go!Now!
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Old 10-21-2018, 06:33 AM   #2567
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Re: Cause and effect

30 min are soooooo long. I suffer like a dog.
SMH at myself.
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Old 10-21-2018, 06:49 AM   #2568
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Re: Cause and effect

ok. made some progress. In fact more than in a week before. Ambitious goal for tonight is to focus for one whole hour on this task.
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Old 10-21-2018, 01:47 PM   #2569
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Re: Cause and effect

Men

Men are funny. About 6 months ago I was dating a guy. Then he suddenly disappeared. Didn't answer the messages and was gone.... OK.... not nice, but also zero tragedy. I have moved on. Today he suddenly messages me out of the blue. Not something like "how is the life", not something to test the waters, but as if he didn't disappear then. He picks up exactly at the point where it stopped. My response is " This ship has sailed ".

And that leads me to the best thing I have learned for my dating life: To let ships plain and easy sail away without any drama. It is such increase in the quality of life. I mean... In my twenties I would be so tormented, I so would have to know what happened and why he disappeared. And if he messaged me after 6 month, I would endlessly try to understand what happened. Nothing good ever has come out of that.

Where my current attitude produces peace of mind, better shape due to more time in the gym, better job situation due to more energy put-in there instead of sailing away ships.

Conclusion: don't try to understand or hold back people who want to go. Focus instead on yourself.
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Old 10-21-2018, 02:59 PM   #2570
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Re: Cause and effect

What should I do?

I have a cover letter for a job application in English. I thought about posting it in OOT in correct Lapka's english thread for some help. But it is somehow scary. What could go wrong? I mean...

*torn between posting and not posting*
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Old 10-21-2018, 04:26 PM   #2571
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Re: Cause and effect

Middle stage of a bigger for me tourney. Bored and annoyed. But having pretty good stack of 150 BB. Position 90 from 8k. Stupid hand history converter here still doesn't work.
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Old 10-21-2018, 05:25 PM   #2572
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Re: Cause and effect

mincashed.... meeehhhh ....
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Old 10-21-2018, 05:39 PM   #2573
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Re: Cause and effect

Quote:
Originally Posted by lapka View Post
What should I do?

I have a cover letter for a job application in English. I thought about posting it in OOT in correct Lapka's english thread for some help. But it is somehow scary. What could go wrong? I mean...

*torn between posting and not posting*
Delete everything that would identify you personally, and post the rest so we can help you. You know there will be no shortage of possibly conflicting opinions on how to make it better!
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Old 10-22-2018, 05:38 AM   #2574
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Re: Cause and effect

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Delete everything that would identify you personally, and post the rest so we can help you. You know there will be no shortage of possibly conflicting opinions on how to make it better!
Tx.

Sometimes I am plagued by anxiety about actually easy stuff. And then it totally helps if someone points calm and step for step to me how easy it actually is. That was one of such cases.
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Old 10-22-2018, 05:55 AM   #2575
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Re: Cause and effect

Super productive.

Sometimes I procrastinate and sometimes it just rolls. Last 6 hours, basically since the moment I got up, it somehow just rolls. Pretty pleased with myself. Now lunch, another few hours of rolling and then gym. That would be a perfect day.
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