Yeah you are right. I am going to start being more grateful day in and day out. I'm going to start being a better friend... to have a good friend you must be a good friend... i had to harden myself to cut out the toxic people in my life and now i need to open up again to new people...

find hobbies, follow my dreams, stop worring, live my life, stop worrying

smile at puppies, strangers, help people out who need help, ask men if they are ok, show compassion, be less competitive, more cooperative, focus on the positive

love ya man

**** yeah, focus on the positive. I used to think, people are *******s because they are broke. I now know, people are broke because they are *******s.

I worked for the richest dude in Va. Beach. I tended bar at one of his house party's. I'm there setting up and he's putting a beer in my hand, showing me around his crib, telling me to make myself at home and I'm so put off. I'm thinking, "Bro, you're a ****ing millionaire, why take the time to get good with me?"

I've got nothing to offer him. Why waste the time?

Guests start showing up and he's greeting everybody. How are you doing? What can I get for you? Meeting each need as it comes to him like he's everybody's servant. I'm jaded and thinking he's a schmuck.

It hits me. That's why he's rich. That's why I'm working for him. I'm focused on me and my self interests. He's focused on other people and their needs.

He asks them what they want and then he gives it to them.

Making friends, making money, and being the guy people go to when they need something...

The alternative approach: making enemy's, being broke, and being worthless.

I try to give and end up getting used. It's a tough game, the game of people. I think you gotta surround yourself with the right people, get in with a good company that treats people well.

I played baseball last night, joined an adult baseball league. I was always the best player on my little league team, then when I was 13 I walked away from the game. It was my passion my whole life. Why did I walk away? I had a napolean complex coach who seemed jealous and didn't like me. Then my toxic family members and older brother were a bad influence, and they made me feel like baseball was for losers. I think they found my thumbscrew and turned it. They saw I had potential and jealousy won out. All I want to do is play ball. I could have been good - good hitter, great fielder, natural athleticism. I would practice all day and night. All sports, basketball, whatever. I love it - honest, no manipulation, respect, glory, pure fun. I could have been a contender. I'd be happy just getting a job in baseball. Just want to be involved in the sport somehow.

A psychic told me a few years ago I need to get involved in baseball. I thought "how at this age" and now I'm even older. How? How? The saddest thing in the world is wasted talent.

Existential **** has got to go for both of us. The secret to life is that there is no secret. You just need to sit quiet and then do what the universe tells you to do.

There's a pile of beer caps on the table, throw them away. The table is dusty, clean the table. It's too bright out here, put on sunglasses. I've got something to say, say it. There's no one here, write it down.

You won't be content with anything "out there". You have to learn to sit quiet and be content. Sit long enough and you'll get hungry for something. Then get up and get that thing.

I sat in the backyard of my parent's house and watched the memories zoom by. All the hatred, the fear, the insecurities. The glory, the adulation, the determination. If I could go back in time... what I know now. I'd tell myself to hold tight to my dreams, don't mention them to anyone, to trust nobody. Practice at night with the stars and the possums. I had all the talent, all the right things. Just didn't have the self belief.

I don't know where I go from here. I know I can't live a mediocre life.

Norm says mediocre means a person with talent who wastes it and settles for average.

I know I "should" get a regular job and live a regular life, but that never interested me. I want to go big or die trying, I want to race cars for fun, play golf when I want, be on center stage....

That last post makes me sound like a pussy. Haha. Existentialism is a bit pussyish. That's why I never got where I wanted... I let other people dictate how I would live my life...

BA, I took your advice and sat there and waited, and what came to me is that I need to coach. I need to be a part of sports and the only way as an adult is to coach. I don't know how. It seems the path is to become a PE teacher and coach on the side until they hire me as a high school coach. Take it seriously, get wins, and move up the ranks. Maybe even going to college eventually. God I wish I started sooner. It's all coming together. My life is making more sense now. Will I even get hired? No idea. I have to believe that if you want something bad enough and try hard enough it will come true.

I need games. Poker is a game. It has rules. Baseball too. Life in the 'real world' is too hectic, not enough rules, no obedience, no structure. I was kicked out of HS for violating a rule, and I watched my principal betray me to my face; he didn't have my interests at heart, he was a white collar scumbag, a piece of **** looking out for his own reputation. Sports is good at heart: competition, raising up young men and preparing them for life, building character. That's essential. All else is ****.

My parents are bullies. I've finally figured out all the psychological games they played on me since I was a kid. All the bull****. Whenever I did good at something they downplayed it. Made me feel stupid for trying at anything. Crabs in a ****ing bucket.

I finally see the patterns. If I say I want to do X, they find a way to curtail it. Then they come back with, Do Y. I never wanted to do Y. But see that's how they try to stay in control. It's not that they don't approve of X, it's that X leaves them out of control.

Then a year later I say I want to do Y, they say remember you wanted to do X?

It's a never ending cycle of ****.

These are the two things that glaring stand out to me. You are setting a goal (realistic or not) for yourself that you clearly aren't on board with. If you are going to focus 5 years of your life trying to achieve something, you should at the very least be able to say why it's important to you. Why you are focusing your time and attention on it. Why it motivates you.

The most successful people I know have passions and they follow those passions. What are some of yours and how can you capitalize on them? If you want to work in a restaurant, don't be a line cook, be a chef. If you want to work in finance, don't settle for an entry level job. Make it your goal to move up the ranks. Learn your craft/passion and make it your goal to absorb as much as possible and be the best at it that you can. The money will follow...eventually. It's not easy. If it were, every broke dick out there would a millionaire.

I feel like every one of your posts so far is dedicated to second part I highlighted. You need to get past all of the self loathing and focus on the future, not the past. You've identified the problem, now you need to figure out how to resolve it. I have no idea what that answer since I think it depends on the individual and how they can achieve that.

Here's my unsolicited advise for you:

-Set a non-monetary based goal. Get a job in a field that interests you. Like the old adage, "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life." Of course that's rainbows in the sky feel good BS but, if nothing else, it can be used as a good foundation for figuring out what you want to do. You say you aren't good at sales. Why go into that? You have to know it's a dead end street. That won't result in the "never work a day in your life" portion. But again, if you get into something you're passionate about, it will feel much less like work.

-Set this very simple in principle 5 year goal. "Be happy" What does that mean? Who knows...it's different for everyone but it doesn't sound like you are currently there. I was asked many years ago by a friend, "What's your biggest fear?" and I simply said, "Not being happy". It had nothing to do with money or material things or career or anything specific. I was a general piece of mind type of response. I don't necessarily have a list of things that I need to do in order to be happy but I know the type of things that do not bring me happiness so I try to avoid them and/or exclude them from my life. Cut out the BS in your life and focus on making YOU better.

I feel as though I've been in your shoes before and I know there is a beautiful world out there...you just need to discover it. Let the past go and focus on the present.

Thanks for your post rpeezy.

I agree with what you are saying. Over the last few weeks I have found the following things: the happiest times in my life were when I was a kid playing baseball. I was really good at it; always one of the best on the team. As soon as the pitches got faster, and my family life became full of turmoil, I stopped playing. Instead of working through it, I quit. And now I'll never know what could have been, but I will say this: I feel it in my bones that I could have played on the college level and potentially the majors and would have been a good coach, if the playing career didn't work out. I have a mind for games and baseball, and I love being a part of it. There's something about the field that lets me escape everything, and focus on the game. It's a structure, it has rules, and it is just men battling it out for victory, all in good fun. I love the existential moment between hitter and pitcher. Thinking about where to throw the ball if it came to me. Practicing and trainging and visualizing all the possibilities. What a life those lucky players have who make it. I would be obsessed. I would give up chasing tail and just focus on the game till I was the best in the world. That's my personality. That's what I tried to do with poker, probably the allure of poker for me was the similarities to sports. But it's too risky, too isolating, not rewarding enough in the ways that matter. Baseball is wholesome. It's healthy.

Now I'm too old to make a go at it. It's heart breaking. And I'm aware how pathetic it seems to be glory daysing my life away. But if I could I'd spend every moment studying the game. I just checked out a library book and I've been reading about baseball strategy and it is fascinating to me. I am trying to volunteer at a local HS to assistant coach. Maybe that's a gateway to something more. I just want to be involved in the game somehow. I can't change the past like you said, but I can change the future. If I keep trying, maybe I can end up getting a coaching gig a few years down the road. Help young men not make the mistakes I made, help people grow and build character.

Every other option looks bleak. Always has. I've always had a phobia of office jobs. Never cared much for power or status. I just want to play and have fun and win

Was at a family wedding this weekend and got through a rough night. I was in the wedding party and had to deal with all the pageantry. I'm pretty introverted even though I can put on an extrovert mask when I have to, but only for so long and then I get exhausted. That plus all the booze and ciggarrettes and I started feeling sick, self conscious, not sure how to act. Relatives and people to please, a bunch of sororiety girls and frat boys I didn't know and didn't really want to know. I tend to stand out in the crowd, which sucks as an introvert. I hate sheep people, hate dance floors when everyone does the same dance. That's pretty much my nightmare. That and weddings in general. If I ever get married it's going to be an elopement out of sheer fear of being in front of all those assh*les. 99 percent of people are assh*les. There were a few good people there and I got to talk to them and so it was nice, but then the peanut gallery made a few quips, a few assh*les from my previous life tried to mind f*ck me. When you live your own path you walk a lonely road, but in the mayhem in the twighlit I regained my confidence, in the bathroom where I psyched myself back up, cleared up all those self doubts (why am I so different? maybe I have asbergers, why wasn't I diagnosed? They all think I'm so odd). Then I came out a new man, self assured, someone said I looked like Aaron Rodgers, saw some friendly faces, felt all powerful like I was Carlo Gambino or something, in my navy blue groomsman suit, feeling like my cock grew 5 inches. I don't need these fools, these fools have to go back to their mundane lives, their NFL sundays their dead end jobs their commercial existences their iphones their toilet training.

Or maybe I'm the assh*le for not playing by their rules, for not caring about iphones and for not involving myself in the culture. If I was a native American and I refused to dance for the rain I would and should be an outcast. Why do I think I'm special? Why am I so self-absorbed, so convinced of my own genius, while I wallow in sh*t and sh*t on decent people trying to enjoy their lives?

this entire thread has to be a complete level...

fyi there's a big big big difference between having a concrete plan with steps and being a dreamer with a desire....

i'm not trying to **** on you but you dont have any type of plan whatsoever, just a vague desire to succeed, and your metric for that success is having 1mil in the bank.. i mean come on..

like i said great level. you got me to read this drivel and respond.

i mean.... you claim to have a mensa-level IQ and this is how you think you're going to get rich?

and on top of that you're humpin around selling windows???

dude .. you need to speak to a professional. like .. mental health, business, i dunno man you're all over the place.

Yeah story of my life...

I feel better now... I think I can still become a teacher, or get a better sales job. I think if I stop having this feeling like I *need* to be filthy rich then I'll find more happiness in life.

My problem is listing poker player on a resume. I'm trying to spin it but it definitely seems to be hindering me from getting good corporate jobs.

Actually that list was pretty accurate in terms of general ways to get rich. Propose a better method if you got one, don't just be a hater who offers nothing!

Don't. Think of something else, like travelling.... I don't know something that possible employer couldn't check. Being a caregiver?

You must be practical minded. Yeah I'm quixotic, but for my type of personality, life isn't life without having dreams to aspire to.

I wish I was more of a dreamer when I was young, kept my big league dreams alive, I know I'd be in the show now. I have raw athleticism, hard headedness, unquenched thirst for victory, traits that are good for sports but horrible for office politics. I'm a lone wolf. An animal. A killer. I want to eat pussy and slaughter philistines.

I didn't level you, man. You're overthinking things. Some things are exactly what they appear to be on the surface. "We are shallow because we are deep" Nietzsche, that beautiful insane beast.

Maybe teaching English in China or something

I wsa a caretaker for about a year, changing incontinent bedridden mother-in-law's diaper, feeding her, etc. several times a day. While it was nice to feel appreciated, it paid 0 and didn't qualify me for even another ass-wipe job (I don't have a nursing-assistant credential for example).

For those of you who have FT jobs in Las Vegas, how did you get them? (If through family or the mob I don't want to hear it.) My resume attracts calls from recruiters, most of the jobs are in BFE, Texas. Even when I agree to work in BFE, Texas I can't seem to get past the phone interview. ("What is this huge gap on your resume? You were a caretaker?") (Long silence)

I am continually beset with Applicant Tracking Systems, such as the big casinos use, it's not enough to upload your resume, you have to re-key in every job you've ever had, and then when you hit submit the application it goes into a big black hole and you never hear from anyone. God, I feel like such a chump every time I hit that submit button. Is there a better way?

Do you have any proof, that you were a caregiver? Something from her doc or from the health insurance? If yes, put it on the resume. For what are you applying? I mean if you apply for something like a poker dealer, then may be it makes sense to say that you played poker this year?

Basic idea with a gap is always to say that you did something job-relevant.

If you are OK with a caregiver job, may be you can get a simplified certification?

First update in a while. I've had a salaried job for a couple months and have been able to save up a little cash. It feels good having money in the bank.

I went to the casino last week and played poker and I played better than I have in a long time. I think because I had fun, and didn't worry as much about losing money. Also it was a good, loose table.

Work is tough this week. I haven't sold anything in three days and my company is cut throat. Also a coworker keeps throwing things at me, and I don't know how to handle it. At first I didn't mind, but it is bothering me. I hate the politics. I just want to do my job.

I'm looking into better jobs, and also businesses to start. I have the feeling I'm getting closer to my goals, and I feel that having a job is not my destiny.

Office politics is insane. I kind of like it though. I think the key is keeping the moral high ground, but without appearing smug. Work hard, do job, shut up is my way. Try to make good alliances with good people. Avoid the office sociopath.

Thinking of a new business idea. I think this could work. I'm tired of being broke. Life is all about money. Have it and people like you. Girls like you. Don't have it and at 32 you're a loser. Not a fun spot to be. I have to turn it around.

Based on my experience, 30+ years working in high tech, etc, the opposite is true. Psychopaths win in toxic office politic environs. So get psycho or get out - find your own biz idea and make a run at it. gl

Haha, I was just telling my friend that I'm becoming a sociopath now. Your'e dead on I think.

I'm trying to turn people against this guy. We'll see what happens. They'll see his true colors I hope. I think he sees that I see through him and that's why he is after me.