Dad made it through the night. I really didn't think he would. He isn't moaning anymore, just labored breathing. His fever rose some - 100. He doesn't seem to be aware of anything.

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I had a good long talk with my sister about all of this. We pretty much feel the same way about all of this, including our feelings about my father. Mom questions how there could be so many people standing around a man that really never did anything for anyone else. That sounds bitter and I guess it is, but it has never been easy for her.

It's really hard to describe my father accurately. He's a good person and would never hurt anyone, but he was incredibly self absorbed. It really is more of a sickness. On the one hand, you realize he can't help it and it has hurt him far worse than anyone around him, but there will always be a speck of anger towards him.

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The chaplain paid a visit.

Apparently my dad talked to him several times. He told the chaplain that he was an atheist. I had not known that. He had sort of dabbled in a lot of religions through the years so I was a little surprised that he ended up rejecting it all.

From what the chaplain indicated, the talks were a positive experience.

One of his caretakers is really struggling emotionally and she spent quite a bit of time with him.

When she was done I asked to speak to him alone, although my sister walked in so we talked to him together.

We talked about how we just don't feel the same connection as the caretakers. And the guilt that we don't. The chaplain really didn't have anything earth shattering to tell us, but it was good to talk.



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I walked in to check on him and his eyes were wide open. I don't know if he is lucid or not. It was very disconcerting.

We called the nurse and she took his vitals. His heart rate has gone up considerably and she indicated she would be calling hospice. She thought the time was near but he seems to have stabilized somewhat.

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We sort of thought it was imminent but his breathing has stabilized now.

He seems to know when people are in the room and it seems as if he is trying to communicate but it is so hard to tell.

Everything I've read says there is no pain, and dad confirmed this when he communicated, but it looks horribly painful when you are watching.

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Dad seems to have stabilized. His fever has come down and his breathing has gotten more regular.

He's sleeping so that's good.

My sister had to fly home and everyone else has left for the day. I will be staying here tonight.

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Apparently, Delma isn't the only troublemaker here. Mom has a scooter here she zooms around​ in.

A while back the battery was missing. They found it a resident's room along with other items he had "borrowed".

Not long after that it was missing again. They searched his room but didn't find it so she got another one.

One of the staff just came in and said they found the missing battery. There was a hatch to the attic in the same man's closet. They found all kinds of stuff up there. They have no idea how he could reach up there, but he did.

Meanwhile, we watched Delma walk over to a fake tree and grab something she had hidden there.

Gotta watch these people.

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The nurses just came to turn Dad. His fever is up to 101. He isn't moving at all, not even his hands. His eyes are open but there is no life in them.

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Dad made it through the night. Well, his body did. I can't see any signs that he is in there. When they turn him, he doesn't move. I can't see life in his eyes.

I'm now here by myself. His caretakers are off. My sister had to leave, but she's coming back Monday.

I shouldn't write any of this without mentioning the staff here. They are absolutely phenomenal. Every single one of them. They are often here late. They have done everything in their power to make dad and us as comfortable as possible.

May be an interesting link for you in the current situation:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elisab...C3%BCbler-Ross

"Investigations on near death experiences[edit]
Kübler-Ross also dealt with the phenomenon of near-death experiences. She reported on her interviews for the first time in her book "On Death and Dying. What the dying have to teach doctors, nurses, clergy, and their own families "(1969)[12][13]"

http://www.near-death.com/science/ex...bler-ross.html

"Dying is an integral part of life, as natural and predictable as being born. But whereas birth is cause for celebration, death has become a dreaded and unspeakable issue to be avoided by every means possible in our modern society. Perhaps it is that in spite of all our technological advances. We may be able to delay it, but we cannot escape it. We, no less than other, non-rational animals, are destined to die at the end of our lives. And death strikes indiscriminately -- it cares not at all for the status or position of the ones it chooses; everyone must die, whether rich or poor, famous or unknown. Even good deeds will not exclude their doers from the sentence of death; the good die as often as the bad. It is perhaps this inevitable and unpredictable quality that makes death so frightening to many people. Especially those who put a high value on being in control of their own existence are offended by the though that they too care subject to the forces of death."

Thanks.

I've been wondering how anyone really knows what is going on in this situation.

We've all heard about near death experiences but I don't know that anyone would be able to know what goes on when the body slowly lets go like this.

Once the process started, there was no chance of reversal.

The hospice nurse just came by. He said he thinks it won't be long. Less than 24 hours but probably sooner. He said that once dad passed to call hospice and he will come back out to handle everything. He said the oxygen that dad is on isn't helping or hurting at this point so we asked him to remove the mask.

He passed.

Sorry for your loss and thanks for chronicling it for us. Excellent writing and I'll think back on this next time I have to deal with something similar.

Very much this.

I'm sorry bigger boat. recently my grandmother passed away.
dont worry about dating or your dad too much. The important thing is that you're a good man.

This. I really appreciate you talking about this and breaking this " let us pretend we all are immortal".

BB,

Just want to extend my condolences to you. I hope the past week or so brings you closure. I appreciate the intimate glimpse of life that you've shared.

Take care!

Thanks everyone. I must admit this brought up a lot of emotions. A lot of guilt and anger, but ultimately sadness. I'm hoping, and I think this has happened already, that this provides closure for a lot of 'stuff'.

I'm sorry for your loss BB. Reading your posts made me cry, reminding me of when my mum died. I hope you and your family get through this ok.

I'll tryread through your whole blog Bb , you're a good person.

After the hospice nurse left yesterday, my mother went in to see my Dad for the last time. She told me she had said her goodbyes and she was going home. One of his caretakers stopped in to say goodbye as well. I was all alone with him.

Not long after I could see his breathing had changed, so I went over to him.

I've read as much as I could about end of life during this time so I thought I knew what to look for.

One of the signs they talk about is mottled skin around the elbows and knees. This is apparently from the heart shutting down. I didn't see anything like this on the elbows. He was covered in a blanket and I didn't really want to disturb him so I'm not sure about the knees. But I don't think his heart was the first to go.

They have a term for end of life breathing - Cheyne-Stokes. The pattern is to stop breathing for a short period of time, followed by rapid breaths. This happened. The first time it happened I knew it was time. This went on for a bit. Then he stopped for what seemed like forever. Maybe 30 seconds or more. And began breathing again. It was quite disconcerting. Not too long after was his last breath. His face turned pale and I knew he was gone.

I stood there for a period of time. Just stood there. I kept thinking he would breathe again, although I knew he had passed. It was very surreal. I thought he might be alive and at the same time I knew he wasn't.

But, after a while I knew it was time to take care of the business of death.

I sent my first 2 texts to Mom and my sister, letting them know.

I then called hospice. They let me know someone would be there shortly.

I then texted his caretakers. They all let me know they were coming soon.

Hospice arrived shortly. They are an absolute godsend. She pronounced him dead, then called the county to take care of the legal "stuff". She then called the funeral home and arranged for them to pick up the body. If anyone ever has a loved one that is ill, make sure you call hospice. They take care of so many things for you, not only before and during the illness, but after they pass away.

The caretakers all arrived. We had all known this was coming and they seemed to be handling it well, except for one. She really got attached to Dad and I think she will struggle with this for a while. Fortunately all of them could make it to say goodbye.

The funeral home arrived about an hour later and took him away. We waved goodbye and that was it.

There is always humor in any situation.

My sister reserved a room at a fairly ritzy hotel for me. She will be coming back soon so we will both be staying there.

My suitcase and other bags are at a friends, but I had a backpack with a day or two worth of clothes because I knew I would be staying with Dad. One of the caretakers brought me dinner, which I hadn't eaten, so I had a plastic bag with dinner. I also grabbed a tupperware container with some of Dad's valuables since we have some residents here that like to "collect" things. I stopped at a convenience store on the way to the hotel to get a bottle of wine, because I needed a bottle of wine.

So, I walk into the hotel with a backpack with a bottle of wine sticking out of it, a plastic bag with a meal, and a tupperware container. I was quite disheveled after going through this and all I had on were shorts and a t-shirt. I really looked like a homeless guy.

There was a young guy working the counter, I'd say in his 20s. He said hello, followed by "what brings you to Austin". Every time someone has asked me something like this since I arrived, I always immediately think "well, my dad is dying". But, of course I don't say that. I don't know if it was a combination of being worn out and at that point just thinking "**** it", but it came out. And, I didn't just say "well, my father passed away". I said "I just watched my father die". The look on his face. I assured him it was ok, but it definitely rattled him.

He gave me the key and I went up to the room. I walked in and it wasn't a room. It was a deluxe suite. I'm guessing one of their deluxest suites. It overlooked the lake and downtown. All I could think of was, damn sis, you didn't have to do that. I called her later and she didn't know anything about it so I'm sort of wondering if the kid at the desk did that for me?

The suite has an adjoining room on each side, but both doors were locked. I went back down to tell him and he said he would send someone up.

Meanwhile, I was starving. There were various things packed in the backpack and I was not in a tidy mood so I just dumped everything on the floor. I grabbed the bottle of wine and the food and set it on the table. However, I did not have any utensils or napkins. So I improvised. The dinner was a BBQ plate. I took the top off of the little plastic container with the BBQ sauce on it and used it for a makeshift spoon. It was more fingers than spoon and between that and eating the brisket I was making quite a mess of my hands. Since the bedroom was locked, I had no towels so I just grabbed a sock that was on the floor and used it for a napkin. About that time, the lady had come to unlock the bedroom door and she popped her head in to see me in all my dining splendor.

I'm sure everyone that works there is talking about that homeless guy in 1404.