I told ya: you are good!

Thanks!

So, they moved my Dad. He suspected it was coming. The move itself went quite well. His two helpers took him to my Mom's while my sister had movers take all of his stuff. It went pretty smoothly really.

But, he continues to be difficult. he called my mother 3 times in the middle of the night. That's in addition to calling the nurse staff who knows how many times. My sister ended up going over there and staying with him.

Part of me realizes his mind is just gone and he can't help it. But part of me is somewhat pissed because we've been coddling him forever and this has become his normal.

Excellent news regarding the girl! Sounds like the birthday was a lot of fun. Are you from a small town? I'm always impressed by people who can social circles like that, I don't think I could get 10 people to come to something for me.

Thanks!

No, I'm from Austin.

Yeah, I'm amazed at that too. My mother and sister are the ultimate social animals. My Dad and I are just the opposite. I have a very small circle of friends.

So, I mentioned earlier that I had written some children's stories and was able to retrieve them. I decided to get off my ass and maybe do something about it.

I started looking around for illustrators. I've done this before but I could never really find the right fit. Either their pictures weren't quite what I was looking for or they just didn't seem right for what I was doing.

I started by googling illustrators in the area and right off the bat found a lady whose pictures I really liked. I've traded emails with her and finally talked to her in person. I think this is going to be a great fit. She not only does great work but I got a good feel for being able to collaborate with her. AND.... she will help me with all aspects of getting the book published. She has people she works with and she basically puts it all together for me.

The only downside, of course, is the money. She quoted me what I thought was a very reasonable price. But, sheesh, this boat thing. I'm up to my ears in debt and this will be difficult. But, I think I can pull it off.

This is not really noteworthy other than I'm hoping it sort of signals some personal growth.

The check oil light in my truck came on about a month or so ago. I sort of ignored it but it was time to get an oil change anyway so I took it to the local jiffy lube. They told me that, yes, the oil was extremely low. Furthermore, the guy there said he suspected it was the rear main seal (don't really need to know what that is), and that they couldn't fix it.

So, I took it to an auto repair shop that I've been using. They examined everything and said they didn't think it was the rear main seal, but several other gaskets that needed to be replaced. So, I went with it.

Yesterday, the light came on again. My first reaction was, of course, that they didn't fix anything. My brain was running around all sorts of things like throwing a temper tantrum and threatening to turn them in and all sorts of anger related stuff.

I took it in this morning and they told me that, yes, it was indeed the rear main seal. I suspected this to be the case. Of course I'm thinking, what the heck did you charge me for last time, then. But, I rehearsed in my mind how I was going to handle this.

I told them that I had indeed suggested this in the first place and I questioned the need to make the previous repairs. But I did this in a diplomatic way without accusations or anger. They certainly got what I was saying.

They went through a lot of mechanic speak on why they did what they did and I believe they were sincere and honest. After a fairly long conversation I do believe they did the right thing. I do know a bit about cars so it made sense to me.

They gave me a significant discount on this repair.

The bottom line here is how I handled this. Ten years ago I would not have handled this well at all. I feel really good about this. It doesn't seem like much but it was a significant step in personal growth for me.

Getting upset in those situations pretty much never helps the outcome (much anyway) and makes the whole thing waaaaaaaaaay more painful. Nicely done.

I'm not going to make this a dating blog but I'll go ahead and post this.

I had a first date last night with the lady I recently met. It was the best first date I've ever had in my life. I've been on quite a few.

awesome

Sounds good. Don't over think it!

Finally got the boat out last weekend. It's been pretty windy here on the weekends. We tried to fish close to a power plant where the water is a bit warmer. There were a few boats there and nobody caught anything. But, the whole inlet was full of manatees. It's a popular manatee watching spot - there were people all along the bank.

It's almost impossible to get a good pic of them. This was the best one I could get. Pretty LOL but oh well.

Thanks guys. Got a really good feeling about this one.

The illustrator let me know she is about ready to start. I touched up the story she chose to do first and sent it to her. I asked about contractual stuff but she doesn't seem to be in a hurry to make it official, which is fine. I just find it a little odd.

I haven't posted in a while for a variety of reasons. I plan on catching things up but there is a pressing reason for me to post now.

My father is dying. It is a very unique and surreal experience and I want to chronicle it.

My sister was visiting my parents two days ago. She called me to tell me she thought he was going downhill fast.

I was at work, in the middle of a lot of somewhat urgent stuff. Well, urgent in work terms, not life terms. I sort of didn't really know what to do.

I had already planned a trip there for next week so I just needed to change flights. I called the airline to see if there were any immediate flights. She said I could catch one that night or early in the morning. It would cost about $400. This seems like a pointless thing to say but there is more to the story later.

I was sort of paralyzed. Work is over an hour from home, and I would need to pack and try to get all the way back to the airport in bad weather during rush hour.

My sister called back and said it was really hard to know how long he had. The people helping him really didn't know either.

I ended up making the decision to get an early flight the next morning.

To be continued.

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I got home and called the airline to change my flight. The lady said it would be no problem but it would cost $1200. I told her that the earlier quote was substantially less but she said "sometimes things change."

I then told her I would just buy a ticket for a lot less on a different airline so she offered to connect me to her supervisor who explained that, indeed, things can change. She said she would see what she could do, and put me on hold for about 30 minutes. But I guess it was all worth it because it ended up costing me $270.

But I digress.

I landed in Austin and almost immediately got a call from my sister indicating this was it and asked me to say last words to him. I told him I loved him but couldn't find any other words.

I quickly grabbed some food and rushed to the rental car place.

This is where things got really surreal. The girl at the counter if course smiled and asked me how I was doing. My mind is thinking "well my father is dying".

The next person I went to to pick up the car started chatting and all I could think of was "my father is dying and I'm really in a hurry".

Normal interactions become not normal.

To be continued.

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I walked into the room and there were several people standing around Dad. He has three ladies that have worked with him and they have become emotionally attached to him. My sister and my mom was also there.

I suspect that there are circumstances where people could possibly be dying but at the same time could pull through. This was not one of those times. If you have ever seen someone that is dying, you know there is no doubt.

He looks like a skeleton with skin. There is no muscle tone and you can see death in his face. He cannot talk but he is able to sometimes communicate yes or no. His breathing is more like gasping, even on oxygen. He can barely open his eyes and can only move his hands.

Although he can't talk, he occasionally repeats what we think is "help" over and over.

To be continued

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When I walked into the room, Dad was asleep. He woke up fairly quickly after I got there.

I have no doubt, and neither did the others in the room, that he knew I was there. He reached up to hold my hand and​ tried to speak.

I wanted​ to tell him to let go, not if my hand, but of life. But it didn't seem appropriate.

Dad refused to live and now he is refusing to die. It is impossible for me to understand this. He simply is never able to find peace.

To be continued..


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This sounds similar to how my father essentially killed himself. First he started drinking too much vodka as soon as he started earning more than what was necessary to make the family's ends meet, then, perhaps because of the lack of self-control, he contracted some lung infection which led to a complication that he handled poorly (was using dubious unofficial methods of treatment). He turned into a vegetable for the last month of his life. Had he lived a month longer, he would have got a yearly premium that would have solved the family's financial issues.

My elder brother was going through a similar experience to yours as he was working abroad but still rushed twice to the father's deathbed. I wasn't allowed into the hospital because of the young age, probably for good as this guarded me from PTSD.

Please don't blame yourself for your dad's death - he was the one who chose to go downhill fast, by abusing painkillers.

*hugs*

I really don't carry any guilt other than the fact that I can't completely forgive him for him being him. But it's not heavy anymore.

It's now all about the wait. Every time we think this is it, it isn't. He'll sort of move and get restless or gasp or gurgle or something that indicates it is time, but it hasn't been.

Everyone is trying to squeeze some normalcy in with the vigil. Go for a run, or get a bite to eat, or do something that you would normally do. People are coming in and out.

One of his caretakers is now talking to him, telling him it is k to let go and there is nothing to be afraid of. I feel good that I'm not the only one thinking this. After talking about it, we all agree that he needs to let go.

I don't know how much he hears, or if he does hear, accepts it.



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I think the only possibility to die in peace is to believe in some kind of afterlife.

My Grandma has about month to live. The process of watching her deteriorating from cancer makes me think about my old age and my death.

He turned away an offer to talk to a chaplain. I'm almost positive that in his mind that would mean he's​ accepting death, and I guess that's what it would be. He just can't go there.

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There's never a dull moment around here. The alarms sound if anyone tries to escape. One lady set it off four times this morning.

One lady, Delma, is quite a handful. She roams the halls and just walks into rooms, looking for "Walter". The staff is constantly having to redirect her.

One of the staff has her boyfriend get on the phone and pretend he is Walter. Delma will talk to him for an hour or more.

We heard the door to Dad's room open so I peeked in and found Delma looking through his drawers. I told Delma it wasn't her room and she needed to leave. She called me an *******.

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In between sleep, Dad has periods of agitation. They have been giving him very small doses of morphine, an anti-anxiety drug, and hydrocodone. They are upping the morphine and stopping the other two.

He is out but there is intermittent moaning. We all feel so helpless, not knowing what he is feeling and how to make it better.

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I'm completely fascinated by this. That's really a horrible term, but I can't think of a better word. It's a process that is happening, and there is nothing I can do about it. It is a part of life that I've never witnessed. It's a part of life that will happen to me one day. I want to see and hear every part of it.

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Wow. Not sure what to say. Good job being there with him. It may seem pointless at times or only for yourself but I think it's likely meaningful to him.

Thanks for sharing in your blog. You the surreal wait does come through to some degree. Gl with the rest of the vigil.