My pick: The San Francisco 49ers match


WCW was a disaster at this point. In Russo's latest greatest plan, he decided that for their event in SF they were going to have a SF 49ers match for gold. The gold in this instance? The WCW world championship.

The concept of this match is simple. You know how in a ladder match you hang the belt above the ring? Well you can't dig for gold like that, so instead they put it in a box. You can't put a box over the ring though, so they put it on a pole instead. And instead of it being one box, they had four boxes. Maybe you found gold! Maybe you did not! Whoever unearthed the gold would be the new WCW champ.




They fight into the crowd a bit and some old lady swings her purse at jeff. go old lady. Jeff opens the first box and its a blow up doll. Booker opens the second and, well



The third box contains THE COAL MINERS GLOVE (but that might be a story for a different day).

Finally Jarrett is about to grab the fourth box, when someone from the howard stern show or something jumps in and punches jarrett in the dick while dressed as superman. So Booker reaches for the box to declare himself the winner but uh

well, he drops it. and Dave Penzer picks it up and hands it to him.


And so ends one of the dumbest things ive ever watched

mae young hand
dawn marie/alwilson
claire lynch
goldberg doesnt follow the script
jeff jarrett/kurt angle fight over kurts wife both irl and in kayfabe
sf 49ers match

The Mass Transit incident

It's November 1996. ECW is right near the height of of their popularity, and are preparing for their big PPV debut on Christmas Eve, Barely Legal. On this night, they're running a house show in some nothing building in suburban Boston, when Paul Heyman is approached by some nobody about possibly getting on the card. He looks young, but he says he's 23 and was trained at Killer Kowalski's school, and his father vouches for him.

As it happens, Axl Rotten, who was supposed to team with D-Von Dudley against the Gangstas, got tied up with travel problems and didn't make the show. Heyman agrees to let this kid team with D-Von instead. He's fat, has on a bus driver's uniform, and is billing himself as Mass Transit.

Prior to the match, Mass Transit went to New Jack and said he wanted to bleed during the match (uh...), but didn't know how to blade (dude, what are you doing...) and asked New Jack to cut him open during the match (OMGWTFBBQ).

So the match starts, and it quickly turns into a squash, with New Jack and Mustafa double teaming the kid in the ring with all kinds of ECW-approved weaponry. Finally, the big moment came -- New Jack pulled out a scalpel and drove it into this kid's forehead, because, well, New Jack don't give a ****. Blood started SPEWING from the wound, and Mass Transit immediately passed out, because it turned out that he had two severed arteries. It is literally the most gruesome thing I have ever seen in a wrestling ring -- videos exist, but I'm not going to post one here. And then we heard his father yelling, "He's only 17!!"

*record scratch*

Wait, WHAT?

Turns out, the kid and his dad lied. He wasn't trained by Killer Kowalski. He had no wrestling experience whatsoever. And he was SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD.

This had an immediate impact on ECW in two ways, both bad but not deadly:

1) New Jack was charged with assault, and went to trial both criminally and civilly. (He won both cases, as Mass Transit was not a credible witness.)

2) The publicity surrounding the incident caused ECW's PPV carrier to cancel the PPV. Only a great deal of begging and assurances on Heyman's part caused them to relent, although the date of the PPV would be pushed back to the following April.

Mass Transit (real name Erik Kulas) was not so lucky. Although he survived New Jack, he would die in 2002 of complications from gastric bypass surgery. He never made it to his 23rd birthday.

2000 WCW was pretty bad huh? Hulkamania is still running mild and Flair is hanging out with Lex Luger as Team Package. Apparently. Flair and Luger beat the crap out of Hulks friend Jimmy Hart in the backstage area and then continue beating the crap out of Hulks friend Jimmy Hart in the ring. Hogan comes in for the save, gets whipped with his weight belt some, and the stage is set for the promo.




Hogan just gives one of the most bat**** insane promos I've seen from him. He yells about the YAPAPI STRAP MATCH BROTHER. He's gonna strap Flair so badly that his skin will bubble and burn brother. His eyes will roll back into his head brother. Smoke out the nose! To elaborate, he beats the **** out of the floor.



But whats better than psycho Hogan weilding a weight belt yelling at us about the yapapi? Psycho Hogan weilding TWO weight belts yelling at us about the yapapi!




This eventually leads to the match where both competitors come down to the ring, stand face to face, and apply the strap to each wrist. Just kidding, it's wcw 2000. Hogan has interferred in the title match before his, Scott Steiner comes out and lays out Hogan, Flair comes out and straps the strap around their wrists while Hogan is down, and begins beating on him.

Literally less than a minute goes by before Hogan is back on the offensive. Yeah, I didn't skip anything there. In the span of a couple minutes he got crushed by Steiner, whipped by Flair, and was back on the offensive.

So Hogan stands on the corner and does a 10 count punch.
So Hogan then stands on the corner and does a 10 count punch.
So Hogan then again stands on the corner and does a 10 count punch.

Finally after the one sided beatdown, Hogan is winded. So Jimmy Hart comes out and beats on Flair while Hogan catches his breath.

Luger comes out and chairs Hogan. Flair hits him with brass knucks or something. Goes for the pin.
1.
2.
KICKOUT

I mean there are no pinfalls allowed in this match, but there was a 1-2-kickout here.


Hogan hits the big boot to Flair, the big boot to Luger, and then pins Flair 1-2-3.

Again, you can't win by pinfall but who cares. Hogan touches all the corners now anyways and is declared the winner of the first, only, last, and awful YAPAPI STRAP MATCH.



Oh 2000 WCW, you make this so easy

mae young hand
dawn marie/al wilson
claire lynch
lost in cleveland
goldberg doesnt follow the script
jeff jarett/kurt angle
sf 49ers match for gold
YAPAPI

Vince McMahon and Eric Bischoff went through a brutal, bitter war on Monday nights, as Bischoff's Monday Nitro really dominated Raw for a significant period of time and had Vince's product on the ropes. The tide turned, Vince's company got hot, Eric's imploded, and WWF ended up scoring the decisive victory, purchasing WCW and winning the war for good.

A shocked and subdued Jim Ross saying, "Jerry, this is surreal…" really captured the mood when Vince later announced that he had hired Eric Bischoff to be the GM of Raw, and Bischoff went to the ring to cut a promo. Am I calling the hiring of Eric Bischoff, or the introduction of him as GM, a WOAT moment or angle? Of course not. But I'm sure as **** calling this one of the most inexplicably terrible moments ever:



Before the huge shock happened, they for some reason decided to spoil the surprise by having Eric Bischoff stroll in casually to interrupt a backstage promo by Booker T. What. The. ****. I will never, ever, in a million years understand that move. The introduction of Bischoff was still a hugely historic moment, and I still enjoy watching it, but the fact that they went out and spoiled one of the most shocking moments of all time right before it happened…I'm still at a loss. This was ridiculous.

I take WWF spoils the shocking debut of Eric Bischoff.

Draft:
Fingerpoke of Doom
Giant falls off roof, then immediately wrestles without explanation
Gobbledygooker
Undertaker murders Big Boss Man
Big Boss Man/Big Show feud
The Renegade Bait-and-Switch
Vince Degrades Trish
WWF Spoils Bischoff Shocker