COPYRIGHT, BURDZTHEWURD, 2012

INT - COLD STONE CREAMERY

CHAD, a bro in his late 20's and cocky, walks into the store with his GIRLFRIEND, a pretty but logical 20-something. At the counter is STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, putting away some ice cream. The man is in shock and awe.

AUSTIN

Welcome to Cold Stone Creamery, how may I help you?

CHAD

Holy ****, aren't you Stone Cold Steve...

AUSTIN

(interrupting)
Eh-eh! It's now Cold Stone Steve Austin, you mealy-mouthed son of a...I mean, sir.

CHAD

Haha, how the mighty have fallen!

(turning to girlfriend)
This guy used to be the best pro wrestler in the world, and now here he is, scooping ice cream for a living!

GIRLFRIEND

Come on Chad, leave the guy alone already.

CHAD

No way! This guy has gone from being the "toughest SOB" to the saddest excuse for a bitch!

Austin becomes stern.

AUSTIN

If you want me to open up a can of whoop-ass right now, give me a hell yeah!

CHAD

Woah, woah woah! Wait a second, I...

Austin pulls out a sample-sized cup with ice cream in it.

AUSTIN

(cheerfully)
You know, our newest flavor, Whoop-Ass! It's vanilla ice cream with crushed-up Oreos, caramel, and a hint of chipotle! It's our hottest flavor at the moment, and that's the bottom line because Cold Stone said so! Try some!

Austin hands Chad and his girlfriend samples. The girlfriend enjoys it while Chad spits it out in disgust at Austin.

CHAD

I don't want this bull**** you call ice cream.

AUSTIN

What?

CHAD

Give me a vanilla cone.

AUSTIN

What?

CHAD

Two scoops.

AUSTIN

What?

CHAD

Better make it three.

AUSTIN

What?

CHAD

Really dude, you're still doing that?

AUSTIN

Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the milkshake machine.

CHAD

Figures, deaf and dumb now. Just get me a vanilla cone already bro.

Austin makes the ice cream cone and hands it to Chad, who has a few licks of it before grimacing.

CHAD

This is trash, I want my money back and a new cone.

AUSTIN

I'm sorry, we don't offer refunds on cones, sir.

GIRLFRIEND

Chad, leave the guy alone and let's go, you're being ridiculous.

CHAD

No way babe, this idiots taken too many chairshots to the skull to make a good cone apparently. Now I want a refund, and that's the bottom line because the customer said so!

AUSTIN

I don't appreciate your attitude sir, now if you'll please kindly leave...

Chad takes the ice cream cone and dumps it on Austin's head. Austin stands there, getting angrier.

CHAD

Well Chad 3:16 just said I coned your ass!

The girlfriend shakes her head and leaves while Chad is congratulating himself when we hear a ringbell RING.

CHAD

What the hell was that?

AUSTIN

My shift's over you son of a bitch!

Austin jumps over the counter and tackles Chad, pummeling him with punches. He gets off Chad, who stands up, only for Austin to flip him off and give him a stunner. We hear glass SHATTERING and Austin's theme music as he celebrates by raising his fists in the air, standing on the counter. He catches two milkshakes in the air from off-stage, bangs them together, sloppily chugs them, then pours the rest over Chad and trash-talking to him.

first?

i was dying from this point on. awesome work and thanks for sharing.


botch! should be "says i just coned your ass!"...imo

Yes, thanks on the second note, not sure how I missed that

Nobody orders a vanilla cone at coldstone

That's why Chad is a tool

actually really good. i think it will go over well with the audience, tho quite a bit depends on how well your steve austin can carry it

i have to say im a bit disappointed its not terrible =P

As long as whoever plays Chad can sell a Stunner well, I think we'll be fine. I'm no E.T. Stone Cold, but I can get the job done

WHAT

I don't think I laughed, but I actually didn't groan either. That puts it in the 98th percentile of Burdz humor.

It was likely better than anything that Gerry Burlage could churn out.

After Chad cones Austin, he needs to turn to his GF and say all monotone and serious, "I did it for the Rocky Road." He then needs to laugh loudly at his own joke.

YES YES YES

Awesome, I have doubts any but the most hardcore fans would get that, but I'll ask my wrestling friend there if he would

Good stuff, dude.

I like it a lot, and loved the Rocky Road suggestion.

WTF? This is awful slapstick comedy that has been redone in similar situations with different characters churning out different phrases on any bull**** like that MadTV garbage.

Did this actually happen?

My groups next show is in December, so if it makes the cut, we'll perform it. Not sure if I want to put the video up of it if we do, I might quit the forums teejayc style if o get made fun of for my bad Austin impression

Haha fair enough, thanks for posting the script at least

Suddenly Burdz has become self-conscious about being judged on his humor? This is a new twist.

When it involves me botching an Austin impersonation, then yes.

Pitched this sketch to my sketch group tonight, they voted no because one of them said "Stone Cold hasn't been relevant in 15 years easily, no one cares about him" and the other said "What's a Stone Cold? Never heard of him, and if I haven't heard of him, who else will? Also, change it to Pinkberry, b/c Cold Stone doesn't exist anymore I thought". She also had never heard of Michael Bay or Transformers, but loves Glee (and is 40).

Well the first person was right anyway. The relevance issue was always big.