Ladies and gentleman, I present to you:
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
A hockey fan's guide to Wrestlemania
Courtesy of Down Goes Brown.
This is the happiest anyone has ever looked while wearing an Oilers jersey.
This Sunday is one of the biggest days on sports calendar, assuming you're willing to be generous with your definition of "sports". That's because it's time for another installment of Wrestlemania, the annual pay-per-view event that features the very best that the fine folks at World Wrestling Entertainment have to offer.
OK, Wrestlemania may not for everyone. But even if you're not a fan of professional wrestling, the overwhelming hype for each year's production can be hard to avoid. So if you're a hockey fan who's wondering what all the fuss is about, here's a quick guide to get you up to speed on the similarities and differences between Wrestlemania and the NHL.
Wrestlemania: If you see somebody wearing a sparkly silver jacket that spells out their name in bright flashing lights, you'll know that Chris Jericho has arrived for his match.
NHL: If you see somebody wearing a sparkly silver jacket that spells out their name in bright flashing lights, you'll know that Don Cherry has decided to wear something conservative that night.
Wrestlemania: If the crowd yells "What?" every time a person tries to speak, it's because they are using a traditional wrestling chant to attempt to interfere with the villain's train of thought.
NHL: If the crowd yells "What?" every time a person tries to speak, it's because the referee is announcing the results of the instant replay review using one of those microphones the league bought at Radio Shack in 1983.
Wrestlemania: The fans know that the fights are planned out well in advance, although everyone involved makes an effort to pretend that they're spontaneous and real.
NHL: John Tortorella and Peter DeBoer have no idea why everyone is staring at them right now.
Wrestlemania: The athletes can often be heard using catchphrases such as "Do you smell what The Rock is cooking" and "I am the Ayatollah of Rock-and-rollah".
NHL: The athletes can often be heard using catchphrases such as "We just have to take it one game at a time" and "Like I said, we just have to take it one game at a time".
Wrestlemania: Fans will occasionally scream in frustration when an obvious infraction goes unpunished despite it happening right in front of a referee.
NHL: Don’t be silly. That won't happen until the playoffs start in two weeks.
Wrestlemania: The three hours that you have to sit through before you get to the main event is known as "the undercard".
NHL: The three hours that you have to sit through before you get to the main event is known as "the national anthem at an Ottawa Senators game".
Wrestlemania: "19-0" is a reference to the Undertaker's record in Wrestlemania matches over the course of his career.
NHL: "19-0" is a reference to Milan Lucic's record in fights against Mike Komisarek.
Wrestlemania: The head of the organization is the villainous Vince McMahon, and his mere appearance or a mention of his name will often cause the crowd to erupt with boos, threats and personal insults.
NHL: Gary Bettman has asked Vince McMahon for tips on how he got so popular.
Wrestlemania: "You Can't See Me" is main event star John Cena's patented catchphrase.
NHL: "You Can't See Me" is the legal disclaimer printed on all Montreal Canadiens playoff tickets.
Wrestlemania: Zack Ryder, who proudly bills himself as being from Long Island, will be making an appearance in the ring.
NHL: Nobody from Long Island has managed to get anywhere close to a ring in decades.
Wrestlemania: "Go To Sleep" is the name of the finishing move of the reigning WWE Champion, CM Punk.
NHL: "Go To Sleep" was the league's official marketing slogan for the decade after the New Jersey Devils won their first Stanley Cup in 1995.
Wrestlemania: If you suddenly see flames everywhere, you'll know that wrestler Kane is about to make his entrance.
NHL: If you suddenly see Flames everywhere, you'll know that you fell asleep for a few weeks and woke up during the World Championships.
Wrestlemania: John Laurinaitis plays the role of the obnoxious general manager who constantly belittles everyone around him in an attempt to keep his job.
NHL: Gosh, no idea what that would be like, mutters the Toronto media.
Wrestlemania: If you see someone dramatically remove their elbow pad and toss it into the crowd, you are about to witness The Rock perform a move known as "The People's Elbow".
NHL: If you see someone dramatically remove their elbow pad and toss it into the crowd, you should tell Duncan Keith that he might want to try being a little more subtle next time.