$9.99. RIP.

I looked at the card earlier this week but forgot most of it. Whatever.

One last ride on the network for old time's sake.

Get your supplies and let's go go go!

We join Matt Riddle vs Andrede (sp?) mid-match on the pre-show.

Riddle ain't doing himself any favors wrestling barefoot, as it just makes him look smaller. Andrede has the Bane Gang outside the ring.

Also, number one seed Illinois got S M O K E D by Loyola Chicago in the NCAA tournament today El oh el.

I'm gonna use these final 15 minutes before the show to load up on alcohol and legal pot.

Unrelated, I threw some stale tortilla chips in my backyard earlier today and a few hours ago I watched a coyote eat them all (I live in the sticks).

Alright, here it is. WWE- then, now, forever.

Show opens with a WM highlight package of super fast jump cuts and a bunch of random sound bites.

Alexa Bliss vs Randy "DOES THIS LOOK FAKE TO YOU" Orton is tonite. This is the ultimate el oh el booking, what with his twitter fights about pro wrestling being fake last week and tonite he's "fighting" a 100 pound girl.

Michael Cole is trash and has already ruined the show by his appearance.

First match-- women's tag team match.

Bianca Belair with the gross long hair out first, which is always a bad sign for a tag team- individual entrances-- and her partner Sasha Banks, who is the Smackdown women's champion (I have no idea how many belts WWE has though).

vs

Nia Jack and Shayna Naszler and some dude named Reginald that looks awesome. They have a simultaneous entrance and therefore should win.

Note: I hate Nia Jax because she is a terrible wrestler that constantly injuries everyone.

Michael Cole was surprised a pin within 25 seconds of the match starting didn't get the win.

Dude has been announcing pro wrestling for decades and has the learning capacity of a beetle.

Peacock holding up surprisingly well so far. No buffering or quality drops going back to the preshow

That's good-- I was glad they are doing a trial-run on this one before the two-nite monstrosity they're calling Wrestlemania 2021

Ah, I see we are still doing the schoolboy roll up as the most devastating finisher in the company

We've got a mid-match dialogue break for Bianca and Sasha to argue audibly, then a dump finish right after to accentuate the argument where Baslzer rolls up Banks in a schoolboy.

AND we get a post match dialogue break for the losing team to continue arguing.

1 star. Although Bianca did a sweet top rope flip thing (450?), but the bad outweighs the one moment of glory.

Cut to: commercial for the wwe online shop for our next segment. Buy one shirt get one for $5!

Oh ****. Evil T'Challa vs preacher Big E.

Next segment- Former NXT badass Apollo Cruise is now a Nigerian prince or something and is going against Big E, who is the current champion of something.

I think both these guys are awesome athletes and should be big stars, but I don't like either gimmick much. Especially Apollo.

I pre-emptively give this match 1 star.

So is The New Day dead for good?

Apollo coming out with a weird spear / canoe paddle is weird.

Give him a Klingon Bat'tleth and he'd be the coolest pro wrestler in the world.

Feels like it's a weird soft break up. Which is strange for the team they gave the longest running title reign to.

Jesus, those apron splashes make me a bit nervous.

MID MATCH dialogue break from Big E 30 seconds in. "You asked for this; you wanted this ass whoopin!"

(note: it was extended and went on for-ev-er with the 'you asked for this' smack talk)

I hate how the writers get a gimmick up their craw and run it into the ground-- in this case the "omg the camera picked up their smack talk we aren't supposed to hear" (but we are very obviously supposed to hear this)

Wellllllllll

That was a terrible ending

I was having fun before that

Lol they never showed a replay of the ending

I take it back. Weird stupid ending, continued audible trash talk, zero stars.

Feels like they're trying to reply the Rocky Maivia origin story as Apollo Cruise-- guy is clearly an athlete, writers make him a stupid lame babyface, doesn't hit, they make him a black militant, and he turns into a star.

...but that only worked with the Rock cause he's the rock. It's a dumb storyline on its face. We have Apollo cruise who we've been watching for at least 5 years and suddenly now he's talking with an accent and has a spear and is a bad guy.

It sort of just feels stereotypically racist in an old-timey way.

---


Braun Strowman vs Shane-O Mac, my favorite wrestler in WWE when I was I high school (I'm over 40 now).

Elias out with Shane. No idea why. Elias was also an NXT main stay in March 2016 with Apollo.

Elias is fighting Strowman. And he has this dude with him that's basically his twin, but even more jacked.

Shane O supposedly injured. Strowman is ~37 years old, per Wikipedia. Crazy they're using him to feud with non-wrestler Shane-O. (The announcers say this match doesn't matter and the feud with Shane is what he cares about).

Also-- tons of draft king sports betting ads on this show. Join and bet on pro wrestling!

I can't recall an ending like Big E/Apollo where I literally didn't even know who won the match or what they were even trying to do.

This PPV is just very unnecessary. Every match is just trying to build towards Mania which is what they should be doing on TV.

Matt Riddle with a promo with Nakamura. Riddle has a razor scooter now like the blonde dude in Zoolander.

Rollins out now. Michael Cole says this match is all about respect. Opponent is Cesaro. Apparently Cesaro put Rollins in the swing move and that's not something Rollins can stomach.

Nakamura attacked Rollings in a flashback, although it wasn't clear to me why.

Nakamura is the opponent tonite. Announced as "the artist known as shinsuke Nakamura," which is off the charts lame.

Pre-emptive rating in 2016: 5 stars
Pre-emotive rating in 2021: 0 stars

Yeah, well said.

Nakamura is like an 80s band that had one hit and spends the next 30 years touring on that song.

Just no development or evolvement of any kind. The same music, same outfit, same gestures, and getting older and older every year, looking worse and worse.

Seamus vs McIntyre, who I think is champion of something.

Whatever. McIntyre might have been interesting, but putting him in a kilt and having him have a stupid sword ruined it for me. But maybe he's awesome to everyone else, I dunno.