What? How?

Why do people feel the need to tap the glass, anyway? You're voluntarily helping to reduce your own edge against that player. Is it merely your ego's need to demonstrate that you are smarter than that guy, by explaining how bad that was?

If you feel the desire to let people know how smart you are about teh pokerz, come here and do it. That's what I do.

At the table, I am the master at nodding and agreeing and encouraging. I have absolutely nothing to prove to anybody.

Practice these phrases in the mirror:

"Oh, yeah, absolutely."

"For sure."

"Well, you never know."

"You had to."

"Eights have been running hot today."

"Of course, you had a draw."

"Yeah, once you saw the flop, you were committed."

"It was a rough spot. I probably would have done the same thing."

Feel free to add your own. Agree and continue. If you can't continue, then just agree. If you can't do that, then smile and nod. Never, ever disagree with somebody at a poker table.

"Wow, you're right! I'll have to remember that next time!"

I've used that on several occasions.

Duh! Suited!

"Yeah, man, Those fours have been really lucky today."

I actually got a whole online table going on some **** like this one night, talking about jack-high. It was a short-handed game that didn't know how to respond to a maniac, so I was just coming off of a maniacal streak that had to end when I finally won some kind of ridiculous pot with jack-high at showdown. (I believe it was a 7-8-x-x-x board where my opponent obviously had 9T and I had JT, or something like that. Easy check-down on the river.)

Every other hand after that, I'm in there talking about how awesome jack-high is, that it's the nuts at this table, but make sure you don't pair it, and so on. Meanwhile, I settled back into a tighter, more reasonable style while the running joke seemed to have a few guys making silly plays with jack-high just so they could show it, further contributing to the loose, willy-nilly-ness of the game.

I did pretty well that night, if I remember correctly.

Lol some really ridiculous pedantry going on here. Seriously, get over yourselves. I said that a certain type of fish irritates me and makes me want to tell them why they are so terrible. I didn't say that I actually tell them anything. This thread isn't called "give a person a lecture because they have a different class of pet peeve than I do" is it? I'm really proud that fap and others are such zen masters though.

my answer to just about everything: "that's poker baby"

"can u believe that guy calling me with 64o and hitting his straight on the river!"
"that's poker baby"

"i had the odds to call that flush draw, i was getting such good implied odds!"
"that's poker baby"

"my ace king never hits so i never raise it anymore!"
"that's poker baby"

"i caught my wife cheating on me and now we're getting divorced, but i think my kids hate me more"
"that's poker baby"

And yes, I do agree that there are a lot of inside joke types of things to say in agreement with these kinds of people. It can actually be useful to agree with these types of idiots because other players might think you are terrible too.

Some of my favorites "absolutely, you were priced in." (When they were absolutely nowhere close to priced in).

"Any two cards can win!"

"Sometimes you just know it is coming, right?"

Awesome.

I can one-up you. I not only allow people to think I'm a moron, I encourage it.

Female opponent: "Do you always have to raise the button? Some kind of macho thing?"
Me: "I have a really small dick."
*laughter*
Me: "No, seriously, it's really small. Like, one of my friends had a small dick too and when he saw mine he was like holy ****."

Irritated opponent: "I guess you're part of the (idiot LAG reg) school of thought."
Me: "I'm not allowed within 100 feet of schools."

Irritated opponent: "Keep playing like that."
Me: "Okay."
Opponent: "No, I'm serious."
Me: "I believe you."
Opponent: "You're gonna lose it all back."
Me: "That's the point, isn't it? Nobody can win, the game's rigged. They rig the autoshufflers to generate action flops to generate more rake." [note that my cardroom has a flat drop before the flop]

Annoying opponent: "You actually have a job?"
Me: "Yeah, I'm a chemist at (nearby company)."
Opponent: "Well, I'm guessing your daddy got you the job."
Me: "What's wrong with that?"

LOVE IT!

Oh my god, I think I love you.

Dat post.

Had a guy the other night at a 1/2 table stare me down for like 20 seconds after I raised pre for $20. He had giant coke bottle glasses and made his eyes look really large and googley. Couldn't help but just bust out laughing.

Another guy, who waited until his turn to look at his cards every hand. Then proceeded to very carefully peel them as if there was a chance there was a giant cobra hiding between his cards. Guy took 20 seconds to act every round. Then when somebody else went into the tank for about a minute he gets all douchey complaining to the dealer.

So, two more personalities I hate. Googley-eyed soul readers and forever peelers.

LOL! That reminds me. Playing the late night / early morning 4/8 Limit Roller Coaster at Harrah's NOLA with my buddy and this asian lady complete with puffy vest and flowered gardening hat had these big round glasses on sitting down table from us. Facing a bet she'd lean forward, tilt her head back and peer down through her bifocals to read the board and it would blow her eyes up behind her glasses making them huge. It was freaking my buddy out. "Hey man! Tell that lady to quit ogling me; it's creeping me out!" "She ain't lookin at you dude, she's trying to read the board!"

the guy who, when facing a big river bet, has to re-check his cards 17 times before finally folding. nope, they still didn't change, buddy

The drunk who constantly hits on a female dealer, thinking he has a chance when he's just some bald, overweight 50 year old. I love playing the drunks, but cringe whenever the female dealer has to put up with the borderline sexual harassment for 30 minutes straight.

Basically anyone who chronically acts slowly for a variety of reasons.

The worst being the Lagtard who is always acting and always acting slowly, insta table change.

EDIT: Actually slow lagtard is # 2

#1 is guy who talks about how he has to fold for 45 seconds everytime he is facing a bet on the river. Constantly tempting me to violate the rules by telling him to fold already since we all know he is going to.

mr. mumbles obscenities

loses a hand - drops several f-bombs under his breath
last night draws out on someone w/ a gutshot - goes on to talk about how he always plays K6s
20 minutes later gets drawn out on by someone w/ a pair and flush draw - throws his cards on the table, yells about how he's never gonna play in this card room again, says he beats up on young kids like villain every day, drops a few more f-bombs, threatens another young-ish player and tells him to meet him outside.

actually the outbrust was funny--it's the mumbling under his breath that gets me.

The kid who shows up chewing his gum loud with his mouth open, shuffles his chips obnoxiously, and talks/teaches poker to everyone at the table.

[x] I personally got to felt him.

Hit and Run Nit

Nerdy nit who complains about ATC rich fish who keeps hitting weird 2 pair. Usually have to say the standard "it's his money, he can play however he wants" but the egghead doesnt realize the goldmine at the table

Dealers who are way too chatty with the table to the point where it's disrupting the game and they aren't paying attention etc. Also, the ones who feel the need to flip turn and river cards in 920 degrees off the stub like it's a freckin skateboarding contest, which in turn, causes cards from the deck to become exposed/dropped etc.

Thugs, I wouldnt tolerate them in any situation so why should I have to sit at a table with one?

Thug types tend to be so bad at poker, though. Unless they're trying to start fights at the table, I welcome them with open arms.