This wouldn't really ever happen against a good player.

Not true at all, sometimes even good players try to get a read with this question, especially if he thinks you may be a fish/beginner.

"fk off"

I just yell **** like

"TWO PIGS IN A BLANKET"

"THIS CHICKEN AINT CROSSING THE ROAD"

"DONT YOU DARE THROW WATER IN THAT GREASE FIRE"

they kinda freak out.

Like this;

'Define, show. The Greeks believed [insert pseudo-philosophical rantings here]'

I say yes I'll show, and if they fold I still muck. People don't ask anymore

"No."

'pay per view'

I'd pay your rake to see that

Ask if they are going to show.

Most low-stakes amateurs, when they ask if you'll show if they fold, are asking in an honest way. A lot of these players will usually fold if you tell them you'll show.

Then you'll have a slightly more knowledgeable player who asks this question trying to get a read based on the response. The most common interpretation is that a player who answers this question in the affirmative is weak. So this type of player is looking for weakness in this form.

The best players, though, if they ask this question, are looking for general mannerisms, not necessarily a verbal Yes or No. For instance, if I ask that question, I am looking more for physical looseness or tension, and how they interact with me in general. (But of course that has to be information you've already correlated earlier in the session. For instance, some players will be consistently quiet and unreadable in such spots whether they're weak or strong. Other people may be more talkative when they hold a good hand.)

So what this means is you just need to come up with a consistent way to respond to this, no matter what it is. You shouldn't try to outsmart the opponent by doing something unusual, unless you have a very good reason to believe they'll react to your planned behavior in a very specific way. The thing is, there's just so many possible levels your opponent could be at, and there's no way of knowing what you'll say or do will be interpreted by them, so it's best to just choose the consistent, stoic route.

total dick move but i've seen more than one person go on monkey tilt after someone pulls this on them

nice lol

I don't really get "being a dick" at the table to tilt people - it only makes them not want to play with you.

If you're a good player, you'll have a hard enough time finding bad players that are willing to sit at your table. Why piss of the very few that are clueless? I don't get it - if that's where you think you get your "edge", you have not been playing poker very long.

To be honest I don't really know what to say either. I usually make as little movements as possible and look away and don't answer them. I generally don't make efforts that I think will disway someone from calling me if I don't want them too because often times when they do this to me I get information out of them and that might even be the difference of my calling or not.

I usually snap my fingers and say "talk to the hand girlfriend" while moving my neck from side to side.

I usually dont say anything. Occasionally, if I have the nuts, i will say yes, only if villain has any ability as a thinking player as an attempt to reverse tell/induce a call.

It depends on the player. In this spot I try to convince my opponent to do what I want them to do.

^ ya if its some seedy guy fishing for information i'll either give them the response i think they want to hear or, more often, just say nothing and keep staring wherever. if the person asking is simply genuinely curious i'll usually just say yes because i've found that the majority of the time their holding is very marginal.

Say yes, for $20

"I never show. Ever." And then don't. Normally gets a muck from villian.

"I'll show if you call" still works. There's no other response that sums it up completely. Also sounds like something James Bond would say. Pitch perfect.

I once heard a guy answer that question with

"It depends on how long you make me wait"

Usually I don't say anything, but I have occasionally shrugged and said "I've made my decision, I'll let you make yours on your own." Or even more rarely, if they seem like someone who can take a little joking around "I'm already showing you quite a lot." (I'm a female and tend to wear low-cut tops at the table.) Responses to those kinds of questions depend on so many things; are they a novice player, do I want a call, is it a tournament or a cash game... if you're really not certain, the best advice has already been given: just sit there and don't say anything.