Some recent conversations with a few friends about poker & relationships have prompted me to start this thread.

I think that the dynamic of the poker relationship is intriguing. I have friends who are on both sides; some saying that they could ever only be with a poker player gf/bf/spouse and some who adamantly say they would never date a poker player for a variety of reasons.

I think it's a really interesting subject...and one that could possibly be helpful for some. I am interested in hearing perspectives from both men and women on why these relationships succeed or fail and how being a professional poker player affects relationships in general.

Actually surprised that there isn't already a thread about this- it's a really good discussion topic, imo.

I personally look for a guy who understands, at least to some extent, the fundamentals of poker, can accept the fact that poker is not just "some gambling game", and feels entirely comfortable about me playing/continuing to play- some of my closest non-poker friends still don't quite "understand" that no matter how many discussions we've had.
On the other hand, I'm not particularly interested in dating anyone that plays poker full time- I want to continue to have it in my future, and I personally wouldn't feel comfortable for both of us to be poker players, not only from a financial standpoint but for raising children, too. (Of course, there are plenty of pro-player couples out there that have raised kids just fine.)

That being said, if he's really "the one", poker alone wouldn't be enough of a reason... at least, not for me .

Personally, I've had some problems with in previous relationships in which my girlfriends couldn't accept the fact that I played poker as a side-income. The general consensus about poker today still stands as a gambling game, and even if you explain the game in its entirety, some people still don't understand it at all. I don't think I would have to find a girl that plays poker for her to understand, but rather someone who is open minded and believes that it is not a game of pure luck.

The success/failure of a relationship SHOULD have very little to do with one partner's hobbies and/or livelihood. I know first hand that poker can be a strain due to the time commitments and focus required. My wife hates the idea that good poker tournaments often require all day or multi-day attendance, and that I can't constantly call/text while I'm playing.

It puts a tremendous strain on her, being left alone with three kids while I go play. The alternative is to play smaller, lower-stakes, more readily available tournaments, but those are often donk-fests and a very unsatisfying poker experience. So it just sucks for both of us.

This argument isn't specific to poker. The exact same problems arise when one spouse travels extensively as part of their job, or if one spouse works a different shift. When somthing puts that kidn of distance between two people, it's often difficult to come together again and solve the various relationship issues.

however, from the man's perpsective, I think it's important for women to understand WHY men enjoy poker. Obviously there are FAR FAR FAR FAR more losing players in the world, than winning ones, so the idea that men are playing this game as income/profit is probably an exaggeration.

The real reason we play is because

1) It's social. In my case, I have three (soon to be four) daughters and a wife. There is way too much estrogen in my house and sometimes, daddy needs to have some 'guy time'.

2) It's competitive. Men CRAVE competition. It's part of who we are. At least for me, competitive challenge is one of the top reasons I play. There is something satisfying about targeting an opponent, sizing him up, attacking, and conquering.

And that's not just true in poker. It's no coincidence that FAR more men play competitive sports, and generally speaking, men play at a higher level than women. (Please don't flame me for being sexist. I'm not saying women can't play, but look at any organized sport (hockey, soccer, tennis, golf, etc.) and it's clear that the man's game is on a different level. We're bigger, faster, stronger, and meaner, that's just the way it is).

I've always wanted a poker boyfriend just to see what it would be like. I usually date more conservative guys that don't gamble so its hard to come back home from cashing a tourney and be able to say more than "yeah I cashed". Just like all other dating it depends on the 2 people involved. The success will depend solely on the dynamic and understanding 2 people have.

Katie - This whole thread is kinda bogus don't you think?

I mean, I would be willing to bet that teh VAST majority of poker related marital problems stem from teh husband spending too much time away from teh family, and/or the financial burden caused when the husband is a losing player and/or runs bad.

given that the women in this forum are all poker players, I don't think that the responses you get will have enough empathy to really undestand the problems that poker can cause in a relationship.

But maybe if you elaborate on some specific issues that you were discussing with your friend, the discussion could continue.

[QUOTE=NoLimitNinjaBri;28048206][B]The success/failure of a relationship SHOULD have very little to do with one partner's hobbies and/or livelihood


that's it pretty much.

I think a lot of people probably have had similar experiences as you have.
Which is why I think this is an interesting topic.
I'm not saying that it's impossible to have a non-poker-playing-partner who understands and accepts your profession, but I think that it's definitely harder to do so.

Agreed. I think it would take a bit of patience finding someone who understands.
But once you can find someone who is willing to listen to your argument, there is almost and endless amount of resources you use, like nanonoko's cash game graph..it's literally a straight line up.. O.O;

I am a poker convert. I started dating a gamer/poker player about 6 years ago. I was busy: full-time job, full-time college student, single parent.... didn't have time for playing games and especially games that cost me time and money. I couldn't tolerate the gaming-- to me it was just stupid to strap yourself to a video game or PC and kill things with a group of online buddies for 10 hours when your girlfriend is staring at the back of your head, wanting a date and human contact.

I found more value in poker. He was outside, with live people, using his big brain and strategery--- and I could sit behind him and think about what I would do if it were my decision. After some basic interest questions, I sat and played hours and hours of free or really low limit poker "in the simulator" with him sitting behind me and asking me to think through my decisions. He'd take me to dinner and discuss hands with me. Hey! We're doing something intellectual and FUN together.

I finally made it to a bar league, then to a home league, and inched my way into casino play. By the time we got married-- I would play in tournaments or drive out to the casino on my own. It can happen.

Now, we play together and apart. He plays more than I do, and I am ok with that. We do not use money outside of our poker budget, and it keeps the money arguments to a minimum. I am still much more conservative than he is, but I have learned to appreciate the game and will keep it with us for the rest of our lives.

"The couple that plays together, stays together!" It can work its way into your relationship and turn out a healthy thing.

I think girls finding boyfriends that are accepting will be a lot easier than finding a girlfriend who is accepting for a variety of reasons

Disagree- yes we're all poker players so we're of course more accepting of it, but that doesn't mean we can't empathize just as much for the problems poker has caused in relationships, namely those of us that have been in those relationships. Just as possible for the boyfriend to be non-understanding of poker as the girlfriend (though I understand why some say it's more likely for the boyfriend to be understanding).

This is pretty much exactly how my bf and I are. Except, he's the conservative one. lol I got back into playing because of him. Not that I was some big time player before... just played in my exes friend's home games. My current bf was an online player though, so I took that up. When they banned online play, we started playing a few live MTTs.

Do you (or anyone else here?) find any jealousy or competitiveness between you though? You know... men are better poker players, etc.

My husband and I get into plenty of heads-up battles. He plays loose, and I am learning to play a little more loose-- and he LOVES beating me. Half of the time that we are heads up, I win. He will tell me what I did right or wrong (as a coach), but he has to cool down first. Sometimes that means leaving the table, regrouping, and discussing the hand on the ride home.

Our home league is full of husband/wife competition. It is sometimes healthy, and sometimes a great big reminder of "picking your battles" carefully.

I personally believe (ducks in advance) that our ladies are actually good players and that we have a great read on the BS at the table. The guys are good players, but also carry egos to match. That sometimes gets the best of them. Most of the men have more experience, and that does improve their skillset, but the women hold their own just fine.

hahaha this is funny!!! I think a little healthy competition is good!!
I admit, I am competitive with my bf, but I also know that he will always be better than me (in any game), so I sometimes feel like I am playing catch up. He of course disagrees with this theory vehemently, which is inadvertently a confidence boost for me.

My bf and I are pretty competitive also. Last tournament when my table got low and we had to go to other tables I ended up at his. So, we played together for several hours until he got knocked out in 9th. (I ended up 4th) We were in a few hands together and I have to say I think he played me a little soft (folding to my bets, etc), which I would NEVER do with him. Is that bad?

I think women can be just as aggressive as men. I've had no problem with it the VERY minimal experience I have put in playing live. And, I agree that woman tend to get a better read on people. Maybe because our gender was raised differently? We tend to pick up on non-verbal cues better. I know that has been my strong suit (no pun intended) when I play. I'm also great at keeping my emotions in check, which I noticed a lot of the men in the few tourneys I've played tend not to be able to do. Even when I get picked on by the guys at my table, I just grin & bear it and then take their chips.

The key word there is "healthy." My bf has been playing a lot longer than me and I'm worried that he's a little put off that I did so well in my first 3 live MTTs. But, he did pretty well online and I had a net loss (ring games, not tourneys) the few months I was able to play online before BF. I dunno.

This is actually a topic that came up in discussion with a friend of mine.
Are guys able to "handle" their gf/wife playing poker professionally and what if she is better than him? One of my friends did tell me that he thought he wouldn't be able to handle having a gf who was better than him in poker. I just started laughing...not really believing how this could be possible. I mean, aren't guys attracted to smart women? The long-term successful pros have some level of intelligence, so why or how could they not require this in a partner?

Yeah, smart, not not better at the very thing that defines him and his ability to provide for her.

There are guys that can't even deal with a woman making more money in a different field. Imagine in the same one. That's emasculating!

I really despise that, which is why I actually admire house-dads.

I tend to agree with this...but I also think that it is more difficult for the guys to even find the poker-friendly gf, than it is the other way around.

I actually feel sorry for a lot of guy poker players. I have had so many conversations where they all lament the exact same desire "I wish I could find a girl who plays poker" -- and in the beginning I thought it was funny. But then I started to feel bad for them. My stock answer now is that they should teach their gf how to play. LOL. But this usually does not placate them.

Not for me and my b/f, at least not at the same table.

My boyfriend got me into poker, and we both play recreationally, but we absolutely should not play cash together (which is fine, I prefer tournaments anyway, he prefers cash). When we do have to play together - for example, we've been on several cruises with only one table - there have been some interesting blow-ups. The worst of which resulting in him storming off from the table and my being forced to give him back the money (since he's more important to me than poker or money).

The situation was that there were three people in the hand on the turn, myself, my boyfriend, and another player. OTT I had a flush + an OESFD, so when my boyfriend shoved, I called. Seems pretty simple to me, right? I mean, why would I fold a flush on an unpaired board? He was absolutely furious - he said I should have known I wasn't playing against him but against the other player, and that I should have folded.

He was completely irrational on the subject; I told him that at the table he's not really my boyfriend, not for the purposes of play, but ended up just giving him the money back in order to soothe his extremely ruffled feathers.

Suffice it to say we don't play cash together anymore.

I had a similar situation in tournament play with my bf... except better results. We ended up at the same table together about midway thru. We were in a hand together HU. Flop came & he's first to act. He made a decent c-bet. I didn't hit, but I wanted the pot since blinds were high (and we had raised it up) so I came over the top of him and he folded to me. We didn't even talk about it after.

FWIW, I think you played it well. I wouldn't have given back the $$$, but that's me... I don't know the dynamics of your relationship. Just curious, if it was reversed... he would have folded to you, right?

It's never come up. He claims he would have, but who knows?

I know I wouldn't have thrown a tantrum over it if he had called.

I got into maaaaany fights with my ex-bf over poker when we played at the same cash table.

"Why would you play small suited connectors when you know I have a big pair? You trying to stack me or something? FU! A-HOLE!" -me

One time he check-raised bluffed me when we were HU and showed me his cards. I about blew a gasket and wouldn't talk to him the rest of the day.

But he loved playing at the same table as me and didn't want to go unless we did that even though he just sat there with his headphones in the whole time. I hated it.