And now for a tldr depressive post. I dont know what I expect from posting this here, as obv a therapist is the only one who can really help me, but venting always seems to help.

I have been in a really dark place lately, depressed constantly. I honestly feel like I dont want to live anymore. Im so confused about my trans feelings, Im not even positive if I do want to transition, but at the same time i feel I really do (yes doesn't make sense). I suppose I am just not completely able to accept myself and fear the thought of being accepted by others.

I also live a horrible and lonely life which is the root of my depression, and have a lot of social anxiety. Im not motivated to do anything anymore, I try and sleep for as long as possible because I don't want to wake up and deal with my awful life. Im 18 and live with my parents. Yes, I am young but I really don't see the point of my life. I hate it, I hate every moment. I am so unhappy I can't enjoy anything. Living at home makes it a million times worse because i have to fake being a normal happy 18 year old. The other night I actually thought "what if this was my last night", and that terrifies me that things like that run through my mind. I would never ever take my own life because it would ruin my mother/father's life, but It truly seems like a good option right now.

I guess this is more suitable in the psychology thread, I might make a long post in there sometime. I realize only a therapist can help me w with these serious issues, but I don't see the harm of posting itt.

Sorry for making the thread sad

Sounds like this is the primary area for you to focus.

You need to find a, none therapist, none family, social outlet. Optimally that would probably be an, older (but not too much older,) trans person, who has gone through the transition from male to female already, and could help you through this. The best would be one that could also be a friend, so that when you wanted to, the two of you could just hang out and have fun, rather then always having to be serious and 'helping' you through your transition. Then when you need the help and support, she would also be there for that.


If you can't find such a person, perhaps you could find a GLBT group somewhere in your area, or some such. But you need more live person contact. clearly a therapist and 2+2 are not enough, you need more. Unfortunately we can only help point you in the right direction, as can your therapist.

It's up to you to actually get there.

First off, I have to say that if you really think that you might hurt yourself, call 911, or a suicide prevention hotline like the Trevor project 1-866-488-7386.

It is common to get confused and depressed when you are trying to sort out your feelings about your gender, we all go through this. I've known a lot of transwomen and almost all of them (including me) have had depressed times where we started to have suicidal thoughts. A lot of it has to do with not having people to talk with and understand that we can trust.

This is why resources and community are so important.

There is likely some kind of GLBT center or group in your town that can help you find people who can assist you. Knowing other folks who have gone through this really means a lot. If you do some searches in your area, there are probably some trans groups not too far away.

Another thing that I think helps is role models; it's good to know that some folks are doing really well who have been where you are now. Stuff like Lynn Conway's pages, particularly her success stories are good to look at. It's inspiring to see all the transgender doctors, lawyers, models, pilots, professors, etc. that you never see anywhere else in the media.

Yeah, some of us are poker players too. I won't out anyone, but you and I are not the only ones by a long shot.

I'm a big Kate Bornstein fan, I've never been the same since reading her book Gender Outlaw. She has a newer work out called Hello Cruel World which has 101 alternatives to suicide that are much more fun than dying. Kate really likes to deconstruct the gender binary and provoke folks to think outside the pink and blue boxes.

If you start hanging out with trans folk and you find out that it's not your path, then you just gained some information and you can go a different way. If it does fit you then you have some support and some company. Either way you get to meet some new and probably fabulous peeps. ;-)

Obviously I don't know your parents, so I can't give you any specific advice on how to deal with them. I can tell you that most parents love their children and want them to be happy. I just recently visited with my Dad after not being in touch with him in a long time and I never thought that he would be OK with me, but he seemed to be fine with it. I've seen a lot of parents that are supportive, some right away and others maybe needing some time to come around.

It's starting to become a bit of a cliche but it really does get better. Right now things look very dark because you don't know which way you really want to go or how to get there. The key is to start exploring, find which paths work for you and let your own inner compass guide you. There is no pressure to figure out all at once, just try to keep taking one step at a time and put one foot in front of the other.

Hope this helps. You know you can always contact me if you need more tranny Yoda advice like "patient you must be," "find your own path you must," or "Better it gets."

Shauna

+1 to the posters above me. Just thought I'd throw 2cents in. Breanne, you are still so young, and its easy to feel hopeless but you have so much to live for, so much to experience. I hope one day you find true love, because from my experience that's one of the best feelings in the world and it will make you feel invincible. I realize you have social anxiety but with treatment that can definitely be kept under control.

thanks above posters especially Shauna. Yes love/freidnship is what I need to be happy, I dont need to wake up female tomorrow, I just need a reason to live. But right now it just feels so hopeless, and I am experiencing minor suicidal thoughts. I believe im stronger/smarter than to actually go through with it but they do exist. It feels like thats my quickest way to freedom, and not having to deal with the pain anymore. I know its irrational and Im so young/ it gets better, blah blah blah.

Nights and mornings are the worst, waking up is horrible. I sleep for as long as possible so I don't have to "live". Some days are better than others, some days are awful. The worst part is I have to fake happiness (or feel I have to) to my family.

What it666 said was exactly right, I need a social outlet where I can be myself. But not just that, real friendships/and or a relationship.That is what I will work on. But I find it really hard to be motivated to do anything like this. Seeing the therapist on Saturday, hopefully we work on setting some goals.

Firstly thanks Jack & Mark for mentioning this thread in the NVG thread on JS, I never would have seen this otherwise. Seems like I'll be in here often enough, well done protential for starting it & RJ for moding it, as if I haven't already thanked you two enough for being the sane ones in that NVG thread (and since I don't plan on vehemently arguing here I may as well use this account).

GLBT resource groups are amazing (and Breanne if there is one near you it would be very, very worth finding and meeting some people). I independently/with friends came to terms with being gay, but recently started going to events other than social/drinking events put on by the resource group at my university...and good god...I thought I was a smart person, but oh, the perspective and maturity I gained after talking honestly about LGBT issues with other LGB (especially T) individuals.

On a lighter note whoever posted that West Wing clip, A+, I feel it's either sad or awesome that I know the entire context of that episode and that it's from S01E01 Whatever the equivalent of academic masturbation The West Wing has to be close (esp that scene...if only a Nobel Prize winner in Economics was actually president.

Also wtf is twss? Never heard of it before and congrats Jason; excellent blog post (this seems the more appropriate thread for actual congratulations since one doesn't have to explain why congrats are in order to NVG ).

EDIT: Why is this in the "That's what she said forum"? No wonder I never found it before.

uh oh! that scene is from S02E03 . I believe you're thinking of the final scene from the first ep, where they discuss the ten commandments. "I am the Lord your God, thou shalt worship no other god before me. Boy, those were the days, huh?" Also, Toby ****s up the order of the commandments in that scene, and it still upsets me .

TWSS is a sub forum centered around women, and since woman players are generally more accepting and friendly i thought it would be a good fit ^.^

welcome!

I can't take credit for modding this thread, I only moderator NVG and Poker Headlines.

Welcome to TWSS.

Yes, I got my religious zealot scenes backwards, damn it! (that somehow annoys me more than my stupidity in asking what a twss was). Never noticed toby slipping before, that scene is amazing regardless (and still one of my favorite west wing scenes).

Welcome to our little corner, soho Yeah I didn't notice this place either, until I one day was randomly browsing the main forum and I saw the rainbow flops thread as last replied here. It's too much to ask to have our forum, but like protential said, this is a great fit for us here.

Yay!

Add Maryland (or, as my friend Kafele now calls it, MARRYLAND) to the list of states

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/0...comm_ref=false

Interestingly, Maryland was often the state of choice to elope for straight couples on the East Coast for many years because there was no requirement for a blood test. You can see references to running to Maryland to get married in several older films.

Now folks from PA and NJ have a different reason to run to the south.

Shauna

Kinda random but I thought it was pretty cool - in my $5k tourney winner interview today (yeah yeah hidden brag), Matt Savage asked me what I thought of Jason Somerville and the idea of coming out in the poker world. It was pretty random of him to ask me in a tourney winner interview but I was happy he did, because it's important the mainstream poker world (not just 2p2 or other online-folk) hear and know about it. So Kudos to Matt (and of course Jason) for helping open everyone's eyes that we are out there!

So, what was your answer?

I mean, I assume, I can guess the gist of it, but curious as to what you said exactly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...v=ukp1To1Owdw#!

way to go vanessa!

, Vanessa.

For the interview and the win.

grats vanessa. i peeked at the live stream near the end of that tournament...wtf redic absurd field to say the least .

Awesome job Vanessa, particularly in that tough field. I thought it was really funny when Matt said "admitted to being gay" and it looked like you were about to go off on him and then he came closer and put his arm around you, as if to smooth things over xD

Congrats on your success! Welcome to the thread, and awesome news about coming out.

congrats on the win! you are such a sicko. and great interview.

V, you won that?? Congrats. That's awesome.

Definitely congrats to Vanessa and to Jason Somerville on his FT in the LAPC 10k...

I had a question that I've posed to some of my GLBT friends that I don't really understand from the perspective of a heterosexual 24 year old male. It has always been my understanding that the word "queer" had a negative connotation, not related to sexuality in any way but as a word that differentiated between what was normative (behavior, appearance, preferences, etc.) and what was regarded as uniformly accepted. I can't understand why the LGBT community has the desire to include this word in the grouping, and also what the benefit of association with this word could be for the community. Pardon my ignorance in this matter, but I'm just generally inquisitive. Thanks for the help, and proud to say I'm an advocate of gay rights and was a member of various organizations along the same lines.

Good question and thanks for advocating for us. Personally, I don't like the word "queer" but I've seen some people say they use the word because it's empowerment of sorts, "taking back" the word used to humiliate and objectify us and turning it a something positive, something that sets us apart. Again, don't necessarily agree with this but would also like to hear what others think.

If that is the case, other attempts at "reclaiming" words have usually resulted in scorn and little change in the perception of that word (there are numerous examples). Do people see this as being any different?

Again I'm still wondering what others in the group think, not to discount your perspective J&MGB!.

My understanding is that "queer" is often used by people who are still in the process of figuring out their gender/sexual identities (sometimes one, sometimes both) and/or they reject the labels and the boxes that terms like "gay", "lesbian" or "straight" impose.

Oddly, I see "gay" used as a pejorative far more often than I see "queer", to the extent that I no longer assume someone using the latter is trying to be negative in some way. But it's certainly an emotionally laden word that does have some negative overtones in our society. I wonder why it's fallen out of vogue as an insult, and if that's why efforts to reclaim it have been somewhat successful.

Interesting question, just from an academic perspective. Words being reclaimed by the group associated with them is a complex phenomenon, I assume.