Il take style over comfort any day :P

I often think that I changed over the wrong way, from the outside in and not the other way round. Like pretty much all of us, what I really cared about was passing, after all is it a safety issue in certain situations. Things can get ugly if you are read in some places, so I understand the concern.

So for the first six months or so when I started living full time as a woman, I wouldn't go out of the house in pants, it was dresses and skirts everyday and I always did my makeup. I was incredibly self conscious and had the same sense of being checked out and read. That folks were staring at me like I was a freak.

I was actually terrified to use the women's rest room, to the point that no matter where I was on campus I would go all the way back to the student union on the second floor where the ladies room was always empty. Only one time it didn't stay empty, and that cured me of my bathroom phobia.

After making my usual trek to the Topping building and trudging up the stairs, I'm safely ensconced in my stall and I hear someone come in. I waited a while to see if they would leave, and of course they didn't. I couldn't understand what she was doing or why she was staying so long, but I finally decided I'd just have to go out and face her.

So I flush and go out to wash my hands, and this girl says "oh good, I thought you would never come out. Can you tell me what you think of this outfit?" I noticed that she had a suitcase with her and some clothes strewn about. "Ah, ah, yeah, that looks great!" I squeaked, in my best femme voice I had at the time. I rushed to finish washing my hands to get the heck out of there.

"Oh wait!" she said, and started tearing all her clothes off. I took a quick look around and unfortunately there were no holes in floor for me to crawl into. She put on another set of clothes. "How about this one?" "Oh... Yes! That looks great too." I turned to escape, but she grabbed my arm and said "Wait, wait!" and started disrobing again.

At this point I could see that I'd be spending just way too much time as a fashion critic and decided to bail. I apologized for having to leave, but told her that I had to get to class, and she looked good in both the outfits she modeled for me. I felt bad, she looked disappointed that I wouldn't stay and help her figure out what to wear, but I was just way too nervous.

As I walked out of the student union, I decided that from now on, whenever I needed to pee, I was just going to use the nearest women's bathroom, and deal with it. Finally dawned on me then that there really was no where to run, no where to hide. I was just going to have to deal with being out in the real world with other people in a variety of situations.

It also occurred to me then that when I was really engaged with something, like trying to avoid being a fashion consultant or working on stuff, I seemed to pass easier. When I didn't think about passing is when I passed. This is when I developed my "Zen and the Art of Passing" theory, which basically is: When you don't care if you pass or not, you probably will. Actually even if you don't pass, if you at least seem comfortable in your own skin folks will act normal around you because you're acting like this is normal.

Which really helped me when next I braved using the women's locker room at the gym. I was still pretty scared, but thankfully the worse thing that happened to me is that the girl in the locker behind me stared bumming my shampoo. I have to admit, the girls locker room does smell a lot better than the guys.

It's just hard for me to look at the issue the same way now. Because I've gotten so heavy over recent years, I've given up on trying to look pretty and just started doing all my clothes shopping at military surplus. It's not so much that I wouldn't like to dress much nicer, but finding clothes that look good on me in my size has become such a chore that I just don't take the time.

Ok, maybe there is a little bit of trying to look like Starbuck in there too.

So for the last few years, I've mostly been going out in a combination of men's polo shirts, men's (well as RJ says unisex) BDU camo pants, and men's sneakers. The only article of women's clothing on me most days are my knickers.

What I expected to happen when I dressed down that much would be that I would be taken for a guy much more often, and I tried not to care about that too much. Of course, because I didn't care it never happened. I still get "Ma'am" pretty much everywhere I go. Sometimes I'll come home and look in the mirror and actually wonder how that is when I think I look so butch.

Which makes me wonder what would have happened if instead of worrying so much about what I was wearing in the beginning, I had just concentrated on dressing androgynously and letting the electrolysis and hormones do their thing. It might have made it easier for some of the folks around me get accustomed to a more gradual change instead of an abrupt shift. Maybe it would have been easier for me as well.

I think that if I was recommending a course for someone now, it would be to do it like that. Just let your hair get longer, take care of the internals and let your inner girl come out gradually.

That's my take on it anyway. I hope that this helps.

Shauna

@LirvA - don't sleep on the Golden Girls! Blanche and Rose are the nuts...

@AAmaz0n - thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm so happy that you seem to have found peace and happiness in your own skin (which, really, isn't that all that any of us can truly hope for in life).

@TooCute - I won't be as eloquent as Shauna, nor can I speak from the same base of experience as she has, but I wanted to echo some of the themes of her post and share a few quick stories with you...
When I first moved to my current city, I wasn't really sure how to connect with the LGBT scene. I was newly single, almost all of the people I knew in the city were straight, and the few lesbians I knew were in serious relationships and kinda homebodies. So, one Friday night I decided that I was going to head out to the local lesbian bar and see if I could meet some new people. I was only there for maybe 15 minutes when this guy came strolling in acting like he ran the place (not in a bad, arrogant way, but in that sort of charismatic, "oh hi there, I'm here to take this party to another level" way, if you know what I mean). He just seemed so happy and friendly and popular amongst this sea of strangers (no easy feat for a guy in a lesbian bar, btw) that I immediately decided that I needed to meet this guy. So, I waited until he was standing by himself getting ready to order a drink and I struck up a conversation with him.

As it turns out, he is trans. We eventually became close friends and I've often picked his brain about how he managed to be so confident and sure of himself despite the many difficulties that trans people face in our society. He acknowledged that it wasn't easy at first, but he told me that a major turning point came one night when as he was transitioning and looked quite androgynous ... He was talking to a girl and she shyly and somewhat apologetically asked him if he was a boy or a girl. He leaned in and whispered in her ear that he was trans... And instead of being wierded out or frightened by this revelation, she seemed attracted to and turned on by it. Instead of being worried about passing, he owned who he was, and this girl liked him even more than before. She was attracted to something that he had been told for years should be a repulsive characteristic, and that attraction changed his whole mindset about his transition.

Now, I can't tell you if transitioning is right for you or not. That is a decision that only you can make (with perhaps a little assistance from family/close friends and your doctors). But, I do hope that, whatever you decide and wherever your journey takes you, that you find that person or people who help you to see that you are beautiful and worthy of love because of who you are and how you feel, not despite it.

I almost thought the day would never come.

(to put the story in some perspective, I'm a 27y.o. male) Friday night I went out with 2 friends/co-workers, an out gay guy and a straight girl. The target was a gay bar that they and some others had gone to before and supposedly had a good time despite all but one of them being straight. I sat in the girl's car with her while we waited for the guy to show up fashionably late. Somehow, the conversation got to this point:

her "Have you ever been in a relationship?"
me "No."
her "Are you attracted to women?"

Now, as she later pointed out, I could have simply said "no," and there was no guarantee that she'd have asked the obvious follow-up, but I had been thinking of coming out more and more often and had passed on some good opportunities recently, and we were sitting outside a gay bar, so...

She thought I was lying. At least that's what she said, but it would be a really odd lie so I don't think that's what she really thought.

Anyway, we eventually walked in and right out of the bar as it was dead and the pool table area was closed off At a much less interesting bar, my male friend is asking about my life (he's been wanting to know more about me for a while, he claims because I seemed mysterious, but I suspect he suspected I was gay), and we get to the sex/relationship part. I wanted to tell him, but somehow couldn't, so I asked my female friend to do it for me.

So that's where I stand now. 2 down, 7,047,251,498 or so to go (did anyone else realize we already hit 7 billion people on Earth? I don't remember this happening. It was apparently around October 31, 2011). The only other part of interest (that I can think of now) is that the girl said that now she thinks I'm less weird. I'm not sure what to make of this. I mean, I get that I'm odd in several ways, but I don't get how me being gay explains away any of this oddness.

Yay! Congrats!

Coming out the first time is so liberating ^.^

Thanks. Not sure how liberating it really is, though. Didn't like feel great or anything afterwards, I don't have much idea of where, if anywhere, I go from here. But, at least it's a step in the right direction, no going back from here.

Awesome. Give it a day or two and see if you feel any weight lifted off your chest imo.

Your sexuality probably isn't the source of your social awkwardness, but I bet it can't help imo.

I'm a socially awkward penguin, period. Being bi just adds to it.

It's been 3 days already. However, given the nature of our work, we don't see each other at work except on Thursdays.

I totally get that I'm just awkward regardless, but I don't get what traits/actions seem weird if I were straight but make sense if I'm gay. Obviously, you don't know me so you don't know those either, but generally I feel I'm either missing something or over thinking this.

The gay guy doesn't know you're gay?


oh nvm, just reread, you had the girl tell him.

Has he said anything to you? You should talk to him imo.

Yeah, the 3 of us stayed out and talked for another hour or two after he was told. He talked of his experiences (I guess to explain things to her and normalize things for me), the gay history museum I should go to, and they tried to see if I'd go for any of the guys he pulled up through a dating site. It was odd -- I felt a bit uncomfortable the whole time, but I didn't want the night to end, and I want to talk with him/them again. He's on vacation for a week now, though.

Do you like him?

Firstly, congrats, it'll feel even better as time passes!

As to that part I've spent a fair amount of time thinking about it as I generally was/am the generally awkward one, and after I came out I fit in much better with alot of my friends. I think it's like the difference between active and passive leaks It may not be specific traits, but I know I was never talking about the hot girl at the bar or other such random topics before I was out, I just nodded and smiled. It may be a bunch of random small things like that? at least that's what I came up with when it happened to me...

WRT certain actions/behaviors making sense once someone knows you're gay, I agree w/ sohoskiracer that it probably isn't one big thing but probably a bunch of subtle things...
Maybe you act a bit nervous when certain topics came up because you were afraid of outing yourself (how should I react when straight guys around me are discussing an attractive female? Is it ok to like this tv show, or is that a "gay" show? Was that gesture a little swishy? Etc.)

Also, after I came out and started spending a bunch of time with other gay folks I noticed a few things. Some gay people really do fit the stereotypes, but there are also a lot of gay people that, while not fitting the conventional stereotype, still don't read as "straight" to me... Their clothes/mannerisms/expressions/something, is just a little different in a way that, for example, allows me to differentiate between a femme lesbian and a stereotypical heterosexual woman... I don't know exactly what those differences are, but they definitely exist.
When I think about the musicians or celebrities I liked as a kid, my choices didn't completely line up with the people other kids in my town were into, and way more of my less mainstream choices turned out to be gay, even thouugh I was totally unaware of that fact at the time that I liked them.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say, other than I think that we can demonstrate our sexuality in many unconscious ways, and other people can probably subconsciously pick up on those signals.

Feels like a cheap answer, but


I guess. There aren't really any other options that would make sense. I'm just interested in what these small things are.

sweet man.

i remember being in a very weird (mostly positive) emotional state for a few days after i first told someone. it tapered off after that but it still lasted to a small degree for a few months. i came out at 24 so i wonder if the effect is less if you come out earlier.

My dissertation committee has given the initial approval for my research proposal, so my survey should be released within a month or so.

I hope when it does everyone here will participate and encourage their friends, gay and straight, to participate. The LGBT community historically has been ignored in so many avenues of psychosocial research, and I'd like to help change that, but we need the community to be willing to participate as well.

The survey will, of course, be completely anonymous, and only myself and my committee will ever even see the raw data.

cliffs on what you're talking about?

My dissertation is examining alienation from parents/peers during the coming out process and attachment (a global psychological construct that helps explain human interactions). There will be a survey that will be released online as part of this research, and I obviously need LGB participants in order to examine my research questions.

The survey is pretty painless and completely anonymous.

Well what if we like pain and nymity?

IDK, I guess you could spank yourself while taking the survey?

I'm definitely in now!

i have a question for anyone who lives in lv or has been there.. has anyone gone to share nightclub? is it fun / a good club?

So the girl I just told you guys I came out to seems to not be able to handle this information as I was expecting. At the end of the night that I told her, she asked if I wanted others to know. I said "I don't know" which she took as a "no" (appropriately so).

But recently a former classmate of ours was talking to her, and she mentioned that we're working together and hanging out. The classmate joked that maybe something would happen/develop between me and her. This girl could then have easily just laughed, or jokingly said yes, or said no, as she would have done a month ago. But now knowing that I'm gay, I guess she didn't like those options so she went with, "no, I'm not his type," and explained/made up that I have a racial preference that she doesn't fit. She said a similar thing later, too, when we were out with some other friends.

It's mostly my fault for burdening someone with a secret they didn't ask for, and she doesn't have the years of practice of hiding my sexual orientation that I have. But it still bothers me a little with how she's awkwardly trying to cover.