Study

Are you going to study poker? Hell no! How many hours a week? 0.0
I will always study and keep abreast of my profession. Poker is not a profession. It's a game. A life game.

Close Call

I had close call on my "stop being a degenerate goal". I had some big triggers hit me today when I was talking to Ronald (former staker). He wants to get on psychedelics for therapy to have an enlightment experience. I was going to take my $400 to Choctaw to play VP (5k is locked up) but then I got a past due car insurance bill which I immediately paid and took away urge since I only have like $270 and it's like $20 for gas.
Lesson: look at all your bills if you have degen thoughts.

I get paid next week which will add about another 1.5k to the 5k bankroll. I don't know when I'm going to get fired. All the writings on the wall tho. Maybe a couple more paychecks and vacation pay which could bump my roll to 8k.

Financial Affairs

This is not good!
In addition to nachos I bought today, I had $16 dollar buffet for lunch. I also just got back from whole foods and spent $9 on dinner. It would been $6 dollars but I had to buy the $3 dollar cornbread. I wasted needless $10 dollars today. I have always had money management problems. I have fix these leaks.

Grade F

I spent another $7 dollars on alcohol and then I played My Vegas slots on my phone while driving which is completely iodiotic and not practicing mindfulness. On top of that a drunk Mercedes kept weaving in and out. He tailed gated me so I chased him down. I have over 1.5 million rewards points on My Vegas which is a free app to get points for free comps in Vegas. That will help when I go out there. I'm going play Pop slots now which shares same rewards. Someone blaring latino music in my neighborhood. I forgot it was cinco de mayo.

Emotional Funk

Many professional poker players seem to have emotional swings. Right now I'm in a funk. I think working on the following goals will help

1. Proceed with clearing out all "Clutter and ****" in mind and in my surroundings.
2. Better sleep hygeine
3. More organized schedule with exercise routine.
4. Eliminating procrastination that leaves me rushing and tilted.
5. Continue meditation
6. Continue improving relationships
7. Continue resourcefulness
8. Avoiding degen activities such as porn, strip clubs, alcohol, wreckless gambling with no edge

Fruits and Vegtables

When going to the grocery store, I will first stop by the fresh fruits and vegetables section.
No more walking straight into processed food section.

Broke Not Evil

Having a 5k roll is barely nothing to play professional level poker. I admit I have made horendous decisions with money management. Sometimes I find myself on a slipery soap where I blame other for my shortcomings. I will lash out and wreak havoc on personal relationships. This has to stop immediately. I have take personal accouhtabilty for my decisions and start being a more kind soul to others around rather than blaming and pointing fingers.

Stacks on Stacks on Stacks

Of bills. That's what I'm looking at while I am decluttering my life. Am I going to stick my head in the sand? No. That was the old me. I'm going divide and conquer.

It's Too Late For You

It's never too late to be better person
To change

Money comes and GOs

First thing's First

Running to pool to get work out to have fruitful productive day where I will have a more clear mind.

Goal
Averting Crises
Picture wanting to go on a road trip across the country. You have a ten year old American vehicle with 130k miles. You not changed oil in 6 months, have not rotated the tires, the treads are worn and check engine light is constantly turning on and off. You want to go in this road trip tomorrow. **** it. Yolo. It is middle of summer but you want to enjoy your vacation. Now picture yourself stalled out in 102 degrees on your way to Flagstaff, AZ. Could you have planned better to avoid this very uncomfortable situation?

In Crises ?
I have been in the middle of that road many a times. It's not fun. In fact I feel I am in the middle of one right now with job situation. I have been fortunate to have family and friends bail me out in past.That is very uncomfortable to. Although I maybe in a longterm type crises, I avoided a short term crises this weekend (degen gambling) where I would have to impose my selfish problems on others and have others bail me out

Can we plan better on the felt and in life? Absolutely. You can check all your personal engine lights. Check your emotional states. Make sure you are prepared everyday. You know in your heart when you are walking a tightrope (i.e. Going into a game that you are not properly rolled for). Don't get on it unless you have giant trampoline beneath.

Paying Attention

Am I paying attention to my game. Do I pay attention in life? Am I texting and driving? Do I pay attention to signals from people around me? This is something I definitely need to work on. Years ago when I was addicted to strip clubs and online poker (not playing with skill , just spewing), I went flying backing out with my new BMW 325ci. A Dutch 3 year boy was 3 steps away. You can imagine the horror that went through my mind if I would hit that little boy. I would ruined a families a life and mine. I would of definitely gone to prison for manslaughter. I need stop recklessly going through life. No matter how wigged out I am, I need pay attention every second every day.

The Best Things in Life .... Are cheap

I won't lie. I wanted to play poker today at a private club in Plano. Dream Crusher told me about it. Honestly, I'm not ready. I still have a lot of work to do. I'm finding more productive things to do. I have a stack of quarters ($3.00) I am taking to car wash to clean up my jeep.

Crash and Burn

Am I heading into the wall? 100%. The damage is done with current situation

Am trying to lessen the blow? 100%. By the revelations of my life principle the last couple days, I'm pumping the breaks. If my fire suit is strong enough I'll come out of this more wise and compassionate. Key word compassion. It hard going through life being a selfish prick.

High Risk Professions

I went to Baby Dolls last Sunday night. Fortunately, I did not get any lap dances and spent only $12 (drink and valet). I was thinking on my way over there that professional poker players are like strippers porn stars and prostitutes. Ninety Nine percent get eaten alive and forced out of the lifestyle within 1 or 2 years. They get caught up in degening or drugs, the lifestyle, the downswing and just bust themselves out. How about the 1 percent that make it longterm (5 years plus). They are alligators in the swamp that are impervious to the stresses of the profession. They managed to find survival and coping skills to swim through all the ****. Honestly, I don't know which one is better.

Bad News Bankroll

I talked to a lawyer today. I'm not going to be able to sell my house without paying off about 18k in liens so I'm stuck in Texas for now. Dream Crusher thinks Texas is better than Vegas so could be good. When I get fired, I figure I'll be able to scrounge up a 10k roll and collect about $1600 a month in unemployment. Games are really juicy at Winstar so I can grind up there if they lift my 1 year self exclusion like they are suppose to. I only did that about a year ago cuz I was having problem with VP. I'm going to stop paying my mortgage so maybe an auction foreclosure will be bring me some cash since there is a lot of equity. Of course there be a ton of legal fees and ****. I like the idea of an auction bidder getting stuck with all my ****. It's like going down kicking and screaming. I will definitely be able to sit in my house for a few months before they throw me out. If I lived In Cali, the process can drag out for years. Texas is not so generous.

Bad Habits

I feel like going to Baby Dolls tonight. I doubt I'll see Dream Crusher there. lol! Anyways, that would cost me at least $18 bucks or more. I have some cheap Target wine at home. If I can limit drinking to alcohol at home, that would be a good goal. #1) I'm not driving, #2) cheaper.

Bankroll Update

Liquid 2400
Lock and Loaded 5150
Incoming (entities that owe me) 3586
Total 11136

Poker as Business

Goal
6 months living expenses
50 buyins

Reference:

Gluttony

I'm a glutton. Been one all my life.Not happy with my spending this past week. I figure I wasted about $20 on alcohol, $25 on Uber Eats, and $45 on eating out. Alcohol and luxury food consumption is a big problem. I need to focus on that.

Weekend Goal

I just ordered a Bud Light on tap and a Ranchero Burger. Of utmost importance this weekend is my Averting a Crisis goal. Having over 2k on me is a good excuse to go degen it up which can lead me to going busto and then calling mom. I don't need to do that **** on Mother's Day. Last year I blew at least $1500 at Winstar on ten play 25 cent (25 dollar a spin) Ultimate X Deuces wild. Then later that month I completely went busto right before a family trip. I had to get a giant pay day loan so I could still go on the trip. That's the time I banned myself at Winstar for a year. All this is on slot machine ****. Live poker never wrecked my life. Dream Crusher kept telling me to go play poker but I would plop down right on that VP machine in Rome Bar. DC thinks I should never step foot in a casino. I don't necessarily agree with this. If I can handle my degen game, I'll be fine. The the things that sucks this year is job situation. Last year I kept running broke but had at least guaranteed year contract on J O B.

My Last Crises

A few months ago, I completely went busto down to my last 20 bucks. I had locked and loaded account but I could not get access to it at all (created impenetrable barriers). I had to call Ronald (previous staker). I had a $766 dollar IRS automatic withdrawal payment about to hit my account and I had already defaulted on them before. I was afraid they were going to start freezing account and levying my wages. I met him at Wimbledon Park and he bailed me out. Embarrassing as ****. He gave me $800 and I gave him $950 a month later (475 every 2 weeks)

The Old Me vs The New Me

Horrible days like yesterday would give me an excuse to go out and make things worse by degening up in the casino (non-poker). The self punishment would begin in the established venue. Today I chose a another path. Today I choose dissipating this angst on more productive avenues such as exercise and organization. The past is done. Why do I need to relive trauma. I'm still eating out a lot. I spent $13 on Whataburger and $9 on a 6 bottle pack at convenience store. My liquid roll is a little more than I thought at around $2800 now. The consumption leaks continue. Probably does not help I have not had a fridge in almost 6 months now. Less than a month ago I ran up my liquid roll to over 5k on VP in one night but blew the next day on same game. I would be at over 7k right now. I could of bought a nice stainless steal. You don't think about those things when you are in the middle of it. I'm looking at maybe getting one of those $99 mini fridges from Walmart.

A good segment here on lowering expenses

I forgot my bananas

I messed up this morning and did not go to fresh fruits and vegetables section first like I'm supposed to.

Temporarily Closed

Lol! to DC who was touting all these poker rooms in Dallas last year. Hell they are all closed!! I was looking at doing a dry run at some 1/3 without having to worry about walking by the slot machines. I was searching for some poker rooms last night and looks like only option is Choctaw or Winstar.

I want be like Mike.. I mean TBC

Bankroll Update for low limit 1/3
Liquid 2800
Lock and Loaded 5150
Incoming (entities that owe me) 5728
Total 13578

I did miscalculations on entities that owe me so my roll a little higher.

I read that TBC lost 1200 on Twitter and his roll is around 12200-12600 or so. I admire his skills at poker and his ability to sustain himself as a pro all these years. Can I make it as a pro? I'm thinking my roll is around the size of his now so don't see why I can't make it if I put in the hours. I think he is grinding out 2-3k a month for living expenses.

Falling Down

Falling down and getting up again has not been my strong suit. If I ****ed up, I would double down and triple down on same mistake. I heard recently in the news about a minister making controversial statements and then instead of apologizing, he made even more controversial comments. This reckless approach has not worked for me. I'm trying to learn to forgive my errors and failures and move on in the other direction.

Pawn Shops & Payday Loans

Made my $240 payday loan payment last week and the pawnshop called today reminding today is last day to hold my gold religious pendant. I just swung by and made $20 dollar payment and they can hold for another 3 weeks. Right now I'm at La Ventana drinking a Mango Jalepeno Margarita on the Rocks.

I thought I saw a Dallas poker room still open on google search earlier but when I double checked they are all permanently closed. I could do the 1.5 hr drive up to Choctaw. Winstar crossed my mind which takes me about an hour and poker is better. They prolly would not give a **** that my ban is still in effect. That would suck if I hit the BBJ. What if you get caught? Is there is a special prison on sovereign Native American nation territory? I know they have their own police, laws, and courts. They are still allowed to do online payday loans. I have one from a Mississippi Tribe. I actually appreciate them cuz they bailed me out when Ronald (staker) said he would not let me borrow any more money.

I guess the good news right now is that I'm not plopped down on $2 VP machine. I lost $1700 three weeks ago and I never want go through that **** in my life.

I'm going to rent a VBiKe and ride it around instead. That cost only $1.