2018, PART II: DESCENSION (APRIL-JULY)

After my hot start to the year, life was as great as can be, and I was enjoying it. I wasn't throwing away money, but I was spending a bit more lavishly, mostly on trips since I really enjoyed traveling and not too much materialist purchases. I also made a few investments (Spoiler alert: RIP) I wasn't too worried at the time financially, although I probably should have been smarter.

I had started from the bottom of the food chain and was starting to see some tangible success in my career, and I had my own little family, my beautiful girlfriend (this is not a plug), Victoria, and my pup, Coby.

Now at this point, me and Victoria had been dating for 1.5 years and things were serious. Not trying to get too romantic, but I was (still am) pretty head over heels and definitely looking forward to starting a family in the future.

However, my girlfriend has a condition called Marfan Syndrome, it's a fairly rare genetic disease that causes her aorta to essentially keep growing, albeit at a very small pace.

During early April, we went to Columbia in NYC to see her cardiologist to get her bi-annual checkup. My girlfriend and I our inherently different; her usually anxious and me the even keel one. I was doing my best to keep her calm, although I was a bit nervous myself.

The doctor came in and told us the bad news that her aorta had grown a few more centimeters to 4.3 (4.5 is where surgery is considered) after about 7 years of remaining the same size.

Obviously, it wasn't great news but Columbia is one of the best hospitals in the country so I remained optimistic. We continued speaking with the doctor until the topic of kids came up.

I will never forget the grimace the doctor gave before telling us the risks and liability which all equaled "You can't."

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I've always wanted a family, maybe because I came from such a large and supporting family, wife and kids were a part of the end puzzle and I never assumed something like this could happen to me.

But worse than that was looking at my partner, face in complete shock, and feeling completely helpless. It was worse than any downswing I've faced, that's for sure.

We stay in the office and talk about our options, we can adopt or we can do surrogacy. We look at each others eyes already knowing what the other is thinking and ask about surrogacy.

The cardiologist goes on giving us the options, decently long process, the baby would have our DNA , but it was expensive, very expensive.

With a feeling of determination and arrogance, I give myself the kiss of death and say "Money won't be a problem"

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As April continued on, my BRM got more aggressive, I steadily broke even in NLH and then planned about 10k worth of buyins for the WSOP, I began playing some PLO and teaching myself the game on the side.

While NLH was ok for the month, I got crushed in high variance PLO games that I was not good enough for and did not run good enough for. I booked the worst month of my career, it hurt but was not catastrophic and I looked to rebound in May.

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May was more of the same, except I started getting thrashed in NL. I was running brutal in my higher stakes games as my EV was still solid, but I remember not doing any study this month, this was the month where my work ethic really started to deteriorate for the year. I booked another decent loss here

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WSOP took up most of my time for June and July. It was a lot of fun, but for the 3rd consecutive month I got thrashed, and despite being on stake took the biggest loss of my career.

The great start had vanished. I was looking at a mediocre year and in the back of my head all I could think about was "Money is going to be a problem"

Awesome to see you reactivated the blog, was always very entertaining to read. Im really sorry about Victoria, but Im sure both of you will handle it the best way possible and all will end well. You promised the money wont be a problem, so now just stick to it and let it fuel your motivation to become the best. Wish you all the best, glgl!

Sorry to hear about your girlfriends condition, that must have been devastating to hear it getting worse

She is very lucky to have you for support. As someone who is also naturally anxious I can't tell you how much of a relief it is to have an even keeled partner.

Wow, sick story. Have you started surrogacy? It's not a big deal to expose your situation and say it's wiser to adopt a kid imo. The DNA thing is whatever, the way you raise a child is what makes you a parent and it's way more relevant than the genetics in how he/she will be when he/she grows up. It's all about the values you teach the child.

Also since your gf's condition is genetic, it gives you more incentive to adopt a kid anyways, what if your kid is born with the same condition?

Gl, man!

Srsly just shut the **** up. Do you realize how condenscending and disrespecful you are being?

You don't think OP has spent restless nights considering all options?

Im with rapidesh, it would be irresponspible to bring a child into this already sick world, knowing it would be sick in itself from birth on

1:5000 to 1:10 000 cases and around 6-7 out of 10 are genetically caused

Appreciate the kind words.

Thanks boss, hopefully won't be a bumpy ride

Thanks man, don't be too nervous, no one dies or anything Just wanted to give you a shout when I'm running bad I always think of your blog and how you handle it, def give a little inspiration to me bud!

Thanks, glad you've enjoyed it

Thanks George! Good luck in your charity challenge.

+2

Anything is possible if you put your mind to it

MMA sunrunner confirmed

Well he made a video of it so it must be true! 10 years is a long time, but if he maintained his work ethic he'll be all right.

The most reputable

Appreciate the words, they were very tough times. But obviously things are hopeful. Yes, if I can't do everything in my power to crush 2019 than nothing ever will

Yeah it sucks, but it's an inevitable occurrence with the syndrome. Our next visit with the doctor is January 8th which is another big day, so hopefully it hasn't gotten bigger. Eventually, she will have to go in for open heart surgery once the aorta passes that threshhold

Thanks man, she tells me the same thing and vice versa to me. It's a big help to have someone support me through what has been an absolutely roller coaster of a year.

We have started the beginning process of surrogacy getting to the in vitro stage. I've gotten a few tests on me and my swimmers and her on her DNA and we got approved past the first step. Once we get engaged we'll move on to the next step of in vitro.

Everybody is different, and I have no doubt if adoption was our only option we would take it, but for both of us having a child with our DNA was important to us that we're willing to spend that amount of money for it, it's tough to put into words. Obviously agree with you on teaching values to the child.

As far as genetics, science is pretty crazy today and we can remove the genetic marker of Marfan's from the embryo's created; albeit it's more expensive. That's all we plan on changing, we'll leave the rest to the man upstairs.


Thanks for having my back. For future use, be a little bit more mindful Rapi, that being said it doesn't bother me and I know you mean well.

Really sorry to read about your girlfriend. It seems like you both are handling everything the best you can, and that's all you can do. I'm sure you'll have a happy and healthy family someday through surrogacy. Good luck to her on her Jan doc appt.

Couldn't agree more w this. Poker players are among the most arrogant ppl on the planet.

"I know you have thought about this but so have I and just adopt man it's way cheaper." Just lol.

Sorry to hear about the issues you and your partner have had to tackle bro but seems like you both have a good attitude and a good plan!

Really great writing and excellent read.

Gl going forward boss.

Hey OP, hope everything works out for you, you seem like an awesome guy and yet another inspiring PGC thread in the modern era, seems so much negativity so it's nice to see you and others showing it can be done

Not sure if I've posted itt before but I've definitely lurked for a while. Truly sorry to hear about girlfriends illness. All the best mate, I hope things look up going forward.

Rooting for you

It's not about being arrogant, but this is a forum, imo discussing and talking is always good and adds to everyone. I just said what I thought, I'm sorry if I was disrespectful, bbsick, it wasn't the intention.

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the support, it definitely makes me feel better. In happier news, I celebrated my 2 year anniversary today with Vic.

Have coaching all day tomorrow so will probably wrap up 2018 review tomorrow night

Great write up dude. So sorry to hear about Vic, give her a big hug from me! Best of luck to the both of you with the surrogacy.

Sent from my Pixel 2 using Tapatalk

Enjoying these entries and looking forward to the next few!

Sorry to hear about the struggles for Victoria, I can't imagine how tough that has to be and I hope everything works out for you guys.

Genuinely enjoy the posts bro, have been through quite a lot too and all of this only makes you more resilient down the line. GL wrapping up the year!

Rapidesh,

What you said was pretty insensitive, of course I recognize it was not intentional at all.
I have very little desire for children myself, so I understand why you didn't recognize why it wasn't okay to say that. For those who want a family, having it be "your" family and "your" blood is very important. Even if you cannot empathize, for future reference you should take more of an effort to sympathize and realize that even though it seems like a decision of pure logic and pro's/cons, to others it has deep emotional roots.

He clearly mentioned that adoption was an option, but said that he was willing to spend a lot of $ to have it be their DNA. Whats the point of trading our lives and time for money if we can't spend that money on the things we desire the most in life? And for the OP, that thing is a family.

The disease thing is relevant, but it would have to be a significant increased risk in order to expect somebody to give up their life dream for it. (He said theyd take care of this though).

GL op

Will do buddy, GL in PCA!

Much appreciated sir

Yessir, glad to have you following along.

+1, extremely well put. Thanks man.

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Part III coming up

2018, PART III: Deterioration (July-Present)

When I was in Vegas my schedule consisted of playing a few hours of poker; but a ton of time was spent eating and going out with the guys. It was an absolute blast but during those sweltering months, I did not workout, did not study, and ate like Joey Chestnut.

I came back home to NJ with my roll really hurting, no longer rolled for the big stuff, needing to grind hard to help my roll, and more importantly get a start on the looming finances I had.

So I played, and despite the lack of studying, it was clear I had improved, 100% due to the strat talk of many players way better than me. I only put in around 20k hands once I got back mid July and didn't even attempt to go the gym.

"It's ok, July was just an extended vacation, I'll jump back on the horse come August, still plenty of time to turn this year around

And I did better come August, but it wasn't my best. I grinded around 50-55k hands, went to the gym to maintain a not fat look, and booked a solid month; nothing groundbreaking but enough to slowly build.

Yet...anxiety started to kick in (and I'm not an anxious person) with finances looming

I'll work my ass off and get where I need to be

I didn't.

September started off with a hit as I paid off taxes after filing for extension earlier in the year, the anxiety creeped up tapping me on the shoulder.

I ran well to start, but after every buyin won, the breaks would be longer and the hands would decrease.

Despite winning throughout the month, I started to get more angry as I played... a "what an idiot" there or a desk bang after a bad run out. Even with my **** mental game, I pushed my roll back to being comfortable at 1k.

My work ethic hadn't cost me, but my discipline did.

The end of September came with me having quite a nice month, I was still having bouts of anger (I broke a headphone in the middle of the month) but I couldn't be angry with the month I was having.

I was playing a few 500NL table when I saw a 5k game running, there was a small spot and it wasn't the toughest lineup, although a few regs were without doubt better.

This is your breakout opportunity

I ended up losing around 12k on the session, leaving after my second buyin lost. The great month was gone. But the worst feeling of all was shame.

I was ashamed I lacked the discipline and patience to not gamble (while I may have been +EV at the table, it was reckless and degeneracy) but most of all I was ashamed because we were in financial difficulty and I had the potential to get us out.

I fell into a bit of depression afterwards, sharing my feelings with my Mom and Victoria. I got all the support I needed, but once again I didn't respond to it.

I laid in bed a lot during October. I started to get flare ups with my Crohns and had to get my 2nd colonoscopy ever. My body was constantly feeling lethargic. I didn't play much, but when I did I lashed out. A broken headphone... and then another one... and one more for good measure.

I have never been an angry person, but even Victoria called me out, I dismissed it. A month later there was a fist sized hole in our wall.

October ended, I played below average, but ran quite horribly not helping my quickly deteriorating mental game.

November started off extremely hot.. However, as the month went on, a day came and I was getting coolered quite a bit, nothing crazy for a poker pro. For some reason, after a pretty brutal beat I just snapped, open thrusting my hand through the door leaving a my fist sized impression.

That familiar feeling came back, what was it? Yep, shame...lots of shame. It immediately replaced the anger. I also realized that it was 3am and my gf.

I rushed into our room, the apology half way through my mouth. But I see her up already trying to comfort our dog who is shaking at the sound of my outburst.

I'm such an *******

That image definitely sticks with me, because this angry guy is so not me. I'm not a confrontational guy at all, I've always been described as even keel. I didn't like how I was acting, I didn't like my work ethic. I knew this was the moment where I had to get my **** together.

"I'm so sorry babe, I just lost control for a second"

"You have got to stop this, you're scaring us"

"I know, I'll come up with a plan and don't worry I'll pay for the door"

"You bet your f***ing ass you're paying for the door"

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The day after me and Victoria had a long talk about my struggles, my anxiety playing a game I love, the anger and shame that had been persisting through the past few months and my guilt for not working hard with my career.

We went through the finances very thoroughly, as expected it was daunting, but it made me feel better.

We talked about things that helped me with poker and my mental game. We talked about meditation, she brought up yoga, and I mentioned this blog. I told her updating this was therapeutic and it's nice to write my story, completely unfiltered.

So with her help, I made a plan that would get me back on track and I'll always remember her telling me

"You can't get the house and the wedding and baby overnight Jer, it's a process and if you try to go for it all at once you'll overwhelm yourself. Each day is a step, and you can't skip steps"

So starting in mid November, I stuck to the plan. Wake up at 9am, head to the gym, do yoga, do my daily mediation (15 mins).

As I've gotten more comfortable doing this, I've added more poker hours, mostly studying.

Today, is 12/19/2018 and it's been a little over a month since I've made the changes, and Monday I started putting in a full night session. My productivity is starting to spike and I'm slowly rounding into shape again.


2018 didn't go my way. But I've been around the game long enough to know, you are the reason for your success.

You can BS your parents, you can BS your teachers, but you can't BS poker.

I still feel guilty for the way I approached the year, and I don't want to have a house/wedding on a micro budget and worry about if we can afford our future child because I was lazy.

This whole, long winded post probably doesn't put me in the best light, nor should it. I will have to live with my decisions, and a lot of what's coming has been a wake up call for me.

In the end, I'm going to do everything I can possibly do to set up me and Victoria's future.
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Hope you guys enjoyed the read and you follow along for 2019, I'll have one more post before the New Year along with a fun little prop bet with the one and only Gazzy B to start off January.

Looks like you're improving. GL 2019

Interesting seeing that even seasoned pros can struggle with mental game stuff. Hope you're able to regain your composure and make 2019 memorable for the right reasons!

I gotta say having a girl that gives great advice rather than giving you a hard time for being an idiot sounds like one hell of a good start.

You're not the first and not the last to struggle with the toxic cocktail of a sense of urgency + daily variance. It doesn't end well if you run bottom 90%.

Gl finding a balance where you get **** done but don't burn yourself out. Will follow with hopes of good progress in the new year.