sometimes you only realize what you've done when you hit rock bottom. and for me it is no exception.

I began this year with another P&G thread, it helps keep me grounded and focused on my goal. Even though I always find it pointless to update because of the combination of laziness and it feels like I am just talking to myself. but sometimes talking to yourself do help, and I seem to always return here at the lowest point.

I've gone broke before, and when I say broke luckily it's just poker broke and not life broke, but I lost my bankroll October 2016. I began grinding a bankroll and update the progress on the 2017 thread, but eventually I stopped updating my progress around May. I was crushing the year, and thinking back that was when I started to become arrogant. I didn't see the point of updating on here because let's be honest most people here are clueless. I actually crushed it for another month or so and by late June that's when the downward spiral began.

I've been playing for a good amount of time, and throughout my lifetime of playing I've never really ran good. My tilt game use to be really bad, I use to react terribly to a bad beat and blood would rush to my head and it's the worst feeling. I Have improved slightly over the years, but I keep getting these long stretches of bad runs and at the moment I can't get over how this happens over and over again.

I managed to grind my bankroll up to $30K in June of this year, and believe me when I say I didn't run well. I am pretty sure I ran below EV but I just find ways to win. I've accepted that as long as I don't run super bad I can take a bad beat, 3 outter, runners it happens. I did start playing some of the bigger games, 1-2-5 Omaha(granted I am not a good Omaha player) as well as 2-5 NL and some 5-10 NL. From that point onward until now I've taken so much bad beat it's numbing. I actually take the beat well on the spot I don't get angry or anything anymore, but thinking back now there's a subconscious tilt drilling in the back of my head. All I can remember is me burning through my profit every week, down a thousand here down a thousand there.

There were several attempts of me trying to recover my mindsets, but even on days where I "ran" good, say I was up 1000$ in a 2-5 game, then to end the night I would get a set vs TPTK and gets it in and he runners BD flush. So I would leave up 400$ for the day, and even though I am up it didn't felt like it. Towards the last month I probably started playing more and more of my B and C game, I tried dropped stakes and just kept on losing, nothing worked, and eventually it became too much and I had to stop playing.

It's a mixture of running really bad and not having discipline, and it didn't feel good. I think the biggest thing that I couldn't overcome is how badly I've ran over the years, I've talked to people who's never even ran half as bad as I've ran and they are always telling me "you just need to reset! or be patient!" and honestly I think it kills me inside because just from the conversation I know they haven't been Close to what I've been through. It's like someone who hasn't been through something trying to give you advice and I know most of them are coming from a positive perspective but the negative vibe that built up inside me was too much.

I recently took a week or so off and I think being broke kinda forced me to take a break (i got about a thousand or so left). There was a period towards the end I couldn't drop back to 1-2$ because I was playing in some bigger games and it tilts me to just sit down at a 1-2$ table (btw all these are Live poker). I just try to take some time off and try to do the little things in life right. and recently I went back to play some 1-2$ and for the first time in a long time it felt good profiting a couple hundred dollars. I was focusing a lot on results, I guess I've never lost 30K in my life and it hit me hard. Thinking back now there's nothing I could do about the bad run, it'll always happen, but I do regret not taking some time off when I was down to 20K or 10K, I just kept grinding non stop and although every session I did felt like I reset, in the back of my mind I was, if not subconsciously tilted, I was highly prone to tilt.

Ironically Last year at this time October I went broke, at the time I built up 10K and lost it. and to think all the up and downs I went through and one year later I ended up in the same spot. I was updating a lot of results in the last thread and I don't want to do that anymore, it's a big session and I just want to try and play each hand the best I can play. I need to have a progress that's not monetary based. I wouldn't say I learnt nothing this year in fact it's a sick learning experience, and hopefully I can try to stay humble regardless of how much I win, and I know the wins will come it's just how I handle it.

I don't know what I will update if I am not updating weekly results but I guess I will just post whatever I feel like in regards to my mental aspect. Everything you do off the table does directly affect your play, and I think for me that's especially true since my mental game is so much weaker than others in my opinion. i guess once in a while I'll update my bankroll if it hits certain milestone.

First gl homie