Time is Dancing
I haven't slowed down in forever. When was the last time you stood still? I honestly couldn't tell you the last time that happened for me. It seems that with any dead air I have in this life, I've programmed myself to pull my phone out of my pocket and unplug from reality. I have no motive to glance at my phone, but Lord knows I can find an app to occupy this dull moment. A moment I likely would forget anyway, right? So the irony should be clear that I can't think of the last moment I just sat there and did nothing.

The only thing I'm confident in knowing, is that I am not living up to my potential. I've grown up a lot since bailing on college, quitting numerous jobs, jumping back and forth from the comfort of my parents home. Things have taken a turn for the better. I'm two years "independent" which means my parents are still on the hook when I'm in a bind. Up until this past month, I wasn't certain I would ever get away from that safety net. -I had to tap my parents for money last week so don't go thinking I just bagged a huge score at the Rio- No, unfortunately I'm a massive failure.

I know that's not true. I've been battling depression for quite some time and I realize what it takes to be happy. It is a constant struggle, but I know there is light at the end of the tunnel if you work for it.

My anxiety makes it extremely difficult to express myself with people I'm not close to. I'm certainly not socially awkward, and I'm quite often more outspoken than most, but looming beneath that mask is an overwhelming panic going on in my head. This blog is difficult. I withhold my emotions on the internet for the most part, but I'm going to guess none of my close friends are browsing 2+2 blogs and read far enough into this to understand it's me. That's at least what I hope.

I would love to slow down and relieve some of my anxiety. I don't need to be moving so quickly. I've manipulated myself and my loved ones into creating my dream life. They feel sorry for me. I show them how well I'm doing on the outside and when I ask for something, they trust I'm not blowing it on junk. I live in an expensive town. I live the lifestyle I want and I've finally gotten to the restart button I've been drafting for years. I have everything I need, a new car, a stable job I'm on the verge of losing, a gym membership, food, hobbies, friends, I can afford to pay my bills. What on earth am I doing wrong?

The Truth: I blow through money like a raging lunatic on experiences and materials to make me feel better that I can't afford and I think of myself less and less every day for being so childish that I let the cycle repeat itself.

I consciously know that I'm depleting my abilities to get off the suckling of my parents's tit with every dumb purchase I make, but every dollar I dump out of my account seems necessary up until 2 weeks later when it's collecting dust and I'm cashing in 6 quarters at a Coinstar so I can deposit a single dollar bill to get my account above negative and avoid a $35 overdraft fee the next day - that seriously happened- Food goes uneaten, video games unplayed, a gym card that never gets swiped. I rarely plan ahead. I don't know what I'm going to eat that night until it's 8 and I realize fast food is my only resort if I want to watch the game on time. I am constantly late because I am incapable of going to sleep at a decent hour and that leaves me too exhausted to complete common tasks. I exhaust myself doing nothing at work while my anxiety racks up from being so far behind that I can't function enough to pick up the phone and you know... do my job -Depression blows- The list could go on, but I'm trying to motivate myself, not push me further into a depressive state so I'll shut up about my past for now.

This moment. That's what it's about. Concentrating everyday on achieving my goals -If I can figure out what they are- I've done my fair share of research on how to get out of this hole. I've tried, had some success, and then let something push me back down deeper in that dark hole. Every one is to blame but me.

Not anymore. This is my fault and it's time to put on my big boy pants and become a man.

I am not a good poker player. But I will be. With enough dedication and drive, you are capable of anything, but when your life is so distorted and emotions are squandered, you fail to see the true meaning. I'm stuck in a hole because I don't have compassion for myself. I want to be free & happy. Isn't that what everyone wants? I've spent so much time reading books and watching TED talks about how life is meant to be lived. Who do I really want to be? Do I want to be a minimalist looking at 400sqft bungalo's in a year, or searching for a house overlooking the lake? These are things I don't plan for. This is why my life is so confusing and so difficult to glide through. I wish it were easier, but I'm constantly making it more difficult.

At 25 years old, I think it's important I focus on slowing down. I am in no rush to get married. No rush to have children. No rush to be making 6 figures. Before I jump into those major life choices, shouldn't I decide who I am first? That's the plan for the next year. Slow down and get back to my roots of playing poker. At one point, every hand was a battle and every decision was a puzzle. Then I turned into a robot; I stopped thinking things through, but I know that if I slow down in my personal life, I can slow down on the felt too.

Call Tony Robbins