Hello,

My name is Christian Golden. I'm 23 years old, living in Gainesville, Florida. My online bankroll is $15. I've won and lost countless thousands of dollars playing poker - not because I'm inexperienced, but because I lack discipline. There are many parts of me that are still child-like, still immature - and that for the longest time have prevented me from being the man I want to become.

That ends today.

I just punted my roll playing WAY above my stakes. It hurts - not because I lost my bankroll, but because I failed myself. I tried to take shortcuts. So often, I find myself avoiding the true challenge, and instead attempting to find ways to circumvent it. Disrespecting the game of poker, disrespecting my expectations and the love that I have for myself, and disrespecting my own happiness. I've failed myself this way many times. As I sit here typing this - I still have some semblance of self love remaining, but in these moments it's so very difficult.

Today, I'm surrendering to the challenge. Whatever it takes to go on this journey the RIGHT way and to become a true professional - that is the sacrifice I want to make. I'm by no means professing that I won't fail again - but from this moment forward - I will suffer and overcome in the spirit of joy that this game brings me. That means 1Tabling 2NL right now. Not because I can't reload. But because I should have the discipline to PROVE TO MYSELF that I can pick myself up and actualize my goals. Because that's who I am. I'm hyper-intelligent - and I deserve more than what I'm giving to myself. To this game.

I'm starting this thread as a means of holding myself accountable. As a means of chronicling my struggle, and with the hope of allowing others to empathize with my journey. I'm going to post every day and share as many of my thoughts as possible (Not all of which will be poker related) and use this as a therapeutic device. So often we contradict and defy our own happiness, rather than surrendering to the challenge that it will take to achieve it.

Much love,

Christian Golden
aggroporpoise

Good luck man.

Sounds like you need to do some work on your mindset though. Otherwise you'll just slip back into the same bad habits and blow your bankroll.

That's the intention of starting this thread, developing accountability and discipline. Thanks for the well wishes.

I kicked off my development with some supplement. Bradley Chalupski has a good series on Run It Once about the concept of Discipline - I definitely recommend it to anyone interested. My bankroll has gone from $15 to about $24 over the past two nights, grinding 2NL. Most of my development needs to happen away from the table - playing against total fish has very little to do with advanced strategy/theory, more so about mental stamina.

I have this overwhelming desire to BE SOMEBODY. So much of the way I feel on a day to day basis revolves around my perception of myself, and also the way that I think that others perceive me. I want to be that guy in control of his life, in control of his given situation - and right now, i'm not that. That's part of what I believe is contributing to my tilt. It can be so very difficult to let go of all of those perceptions and projections. To just focus on what is right in front of you.

More than anything, I just want to be a better man. Focus on the challenge. Focus on growth. Show more kindness to the people around me. Be patient with my own thoughts, don't allow them to be so acidic. Being kind towards myself is very important, it gives me the opportunity to be disciplined - because I understand that it's an act of caring for myself. Poker is going well. Until next time.

Christian Golden
aggroporpoise

Set some specific time limited goals for yourself. Goal-setting is hugely beneficial. Pick 3 things you want to focus on and then get as specific as you can with goals for each day/week/month. The first step is figuring out what you need to work on.

Good luck Christian, one turning point for me was the ability to just shut down the client when feeling tired, tilted, anxious, or having real life things to tend to. There were times in my past where I could just get locked into absurdly long sessions that seldom ended well, now if I'm down a bunch I focus on preserving what is left to play another day or week. What site are you playing on? GL

Yeah this is definitely an important instinct to develop - situations in which i'm more likely to begin tilting or playing poorly. I've become much more cognizant of those situations recently. I will make a poor decision, not as a result of tilt - usually rather as a lack of focus - and that will frustrate me. That's usually an indicator that I need to take a short break. Mistakes will begin to compound very quickly once emotions become involved. I'm playing long sessions but am working hard to develop that alarm that needs to go off when i'm playing anything less than 100%. Are you still in Tallahassee? I'm an FSU alum, lived there until about 6 mo. ago. Perhaps I've seen you @ Gretna. I'll probably keep the site I'm on anon. for now - but my user name is aggroporpoise.

Still in Tallahassee but don't make the trip out to Gretna more than 2-3 times per year, too many nits!

I've gotten more volume in online in the past week than I have in the entire past 4 months. About 25k Hands, which I think is pretty decent considering i'm not playing in Zoom/Fastplay Pools. My discipline has certainly improved - I think more than anything I'm starting to be more honest with myself. I believe a lot of what it takes to succeed in poker (or anything) is extreme accountability for your decisions. I've allowed myself to become more honest and critical - now it's a matter of managing that in as healthy a manner as possible.

I’m a good person, I’m a powerful person
I don’t believe in evil
I think that evil is an idea created by others to avoid dealing with their own nature
I understand my own nature
Good and evil have nothing to do with it
I understand myself, I control myself
I control everything within myself
My domain is my domain
I can lie on my back and affect the lives of those I love without moving a finger
But I would only affect them in good ways
I don’t waste time on evil
I’m a good person

Since starting this thread two weeks ago, my bankroll has gone from $15, to $162. I've been grinding nonstop - and forcing myself to be brutally honest with what my true problems are. I've got a very long way to go. If I can give any advice from my own experience so far- it is to stop bull****ting yourself. Strive to humble yourself. Strive to admit where you fall short. It gives you an edge.