My poker life has been broadcast on this forum for roughly 3 years now. The highs and mostly lows of spiraling depression caused by losing money in a month than my full time job pays me in 6months. A lot of lessons have been learned. My lowest point, my bankroll was at 1.6k. Now my roll is back to 3.8k. Playing mostly the great game of plo. My goal is to move slow. And enjoy the journey. In my life I had always had a problem with discipline and balance. I’m thinking about my poker journey and how I can take all of this time and effort and making my self a better person along with making a good amount of money. I know I can do this. I have great people in the industry and it’s all on me. So here we go. I will not speak on stakes, sites, or apps. Just on mental things because that is my struggle.

Bankroll: 3.8k

It can be pretty depressing to think about decisions you did or didn't and how they affected you, but we just have to accept it or stop thinking about it! Good luck!

Absolutely. Thank you reading and responding sir! I have learned my lessons, and hopefully I can remain present in mind to not go backwards in my journey. Speaking of journey

I made my small but 300% bankroll climb short stacking. However, tonight I went to 100bb and of course had an upswing lol. Felt good to play some 200bb pots. I played well. And ran above average. My sessions are usually 1hr in length right now. So was very happy with this win. Looking forward to not folding to 3bets my plan is to play my current stake till I hit 10k. Fluctuating between 50bb play and 100bb depending on how my emotions are. Good night good luck

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Bankroll: 4,361


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Played for first time tonight in 5 days felt awesome! 1 hr +500. Bankroll is now 4985. Feeling great. Didn’t fold to 3bets
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Good times, played another small session. Life in quarantine I have less free time to play lol. But I am really learning a lot about myself and why I enjoy poker. The first reason I think is the grind. My first love really was EverQuest, then Magic The Gathering, and of course World of Warcraft. The grindiest of all games lol! Something about never reaching the top has always compelled me to try and get there.

I thought I reached the top in part 2 of my Journey when I hit 25k bankroll. I got complacent and starting to not really care about results. This led to my first downfall. Which led to my personal weakness, I have a huge anxiety problem and emotionally have trouble controlling myself. I think while I am on the way up, my issues do not affect me. Because it’s all part of the climb. But once I reach my perceived “top” then I start to lose that drive.

Thank you for reading, I feel I am training my mind. For when this quarantine breaks and I get to play more. Which is great. Everything happens for a reason.

Bankroll: $5659

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Another short session in the books. Won small amount but the most important thing is how I feel about poker. I’m very very happy with how I am feeling. Also, I have not been on a downswing in about 6 sessions lol. Maybe that is the cause. But I am aware of the variance, now I am on the slightly winning side. My goal is to remember why I love the game. Through the upswings and the downswing. Thank you all for reading.

Bankroll: $5948

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Feeling great. Got a surprise stimulus into the poker roll played some, feeling balanced. I am starting to pick up steam mentally about my abilities and where I am going in the game. I need to remember these feelings and always be in that grind/climbing to the next stake. Thanks for ready.

Bankroll: $6494

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Wow. Just finished a 2 and a half hour session, I felt super casual for a lot of it. Casual in good ways meaning I never felt nervous or stressed by the swings. Casual in a bad way, there were times in the session where I was certainly not thinking critically. This was my first somewhat lengthy session so I am happy with how I played. And as per usual. A winning session. Felt good. Thanks for reading.

Bankroll: $6,976

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Glgl! Were you just depressed due to the money or has depression been an ongoing battle for you? It has for me so I can relate if so. I think a lot about how depression impacts the ability to play well and when I go through bad periods I stay away from the tables and study instead. Cheers

I generally am an incredibly happy person. This could make some childhood issues I’m sure. The depression factor that I was describing was at my high I was at 25k bankroll and playing way way way higher than I should for multiple reasons.

The first was I played 200-600plo5 everyday and would sit 100-150bb deep even at plo600. That is terrible money management from a poker stand point.

The second and most important, I didn’t grow up with a lot of money. My parents were average building 40-50k a year jobs making it middle class. I build my roll from zero literal zero. Winning was an incredible high, “I’m breaking out im proving everyone wrong I can make something of this poker thing” blah blah. I such an inner confidence and arrogance about me that I was better than everyone. Because no one knew this average guy can make 50-150$ an hour sitting playing a game.

In my brain. I finally made it. I made it. At 25k bankroll. More money than I had ever seen at one time, from playing a game. I used to count my roll that I had in cash once a week. Boom 8k all in hundreds. I had that roll above 20k for atleast 6months. Was breaking even. Playing intoxicated. Playing at wrong times. Addicted to winning that money back. Slowly but surely spiraled down. That is what caused my depression. Losing all that money. A.. having nothing to show.. B simply because I lost focus and wasn’t self reflective about what was happening to me.

This is exactly what I need. To spill my heart. And commit, these feelings will be identified and controlled. All those nights of crying and shaking yelling in my car as I lost a 1k pot leaving work and making 120$ for 8 hours of work. Losing 8x that in 1 minute. Being mean to my significant other because I’m immature and played way over my emotional threshold.

This will never happen again. Poker is my hobby and semi/pro/red/person who studies a lot and makes decent hourly goal lol. I hope this answered your question. Thanks for reading and asking

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Played again tonight. Happy and balanced. Played well. Feeling great and looking forward to the future. Thanks for reading.

Bankroll: $6,986

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Played 2 sessions since this update. Both short. One sessions was -250$ ran average no issues. I did get frustrated though in game. “Man I’m losing so many pots” “ugh this is such a bad session”. These realizations in game are great to recognize. But why are they happening in the first place?? I am like 5k in a month??? Why am I complaining or feel I don’t deserve to run average?
The 2nd was a short session last night, ran well. Won like 500. Played well too, lost a couple spots but one all of the 4b pots I need to realize that I am going to have sessions where I lose all of the 4b pots and have -10bi sessions. I guess my roll is not big enough? Or is it my competitive nature that no matter how much money I have I will feel this way? Idk definitely need to improve my mindset when losing. Thanks for reading

Bankroll: $6960

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Ugh. Here it comes. Played some 4/5 card today. Lost 550$ in an hour... bought it 200bb deep at all my tables and got rocked. I’m goona elaborate more on this in my next post. Right now I’m just so angry.

Bankroll: $6383

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I am pretty upset with myself. 1. Played 5 card instead of 4. I know 4 card a lot better, I can handle and rationalize the variance a lot more. 2. I bought in 200bb to all the games. I understand this means that my 500$ loss is like 2 buy ins (150-200bb cap where I play) but still. Makes me so angry. All this hard work and then boom. 1 hr where I feel like I need to “gamble” idk very very annoyed. And trying to play a different game is me taking the easy way out. And that makes me more upset than anything. I need to earn this. I’m goona stop beating myself up now. And improve myself.

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The mistakes that took place and why?

1) I played 5c instead of 4c. Why? Because I was bored of winning and running good at 4c. I wanted a challenge, I don’t think I can make enough money at 100plo? The last excuse is what strikes me. I don’t think I can make enough money at 100plo...

Why do I feel I can’t make enough $? Because I trying to climb the mountain to get back to my 30k roll as fast as possible. Why? Because I am lazy. Why? Because I don’t want to sit and grind 1 level of poker and stay stagnant. Why does it have to be stagnant? Because I don’t think I can play better and make more $. Wow. There it is. I want to play my winning strategy and not improve upon it because I am lazy.. wow. There it is.

Challenge: 100 PLO for an entire year. Starting with 100bb stack size until I make the roll 10k. Once I am at 10k then I can buy in at 200bb stack size. I will play the 200bb stack size for the remainder of the year. If I get bored or feel complacent that’s too bad. This is about me growing at person. And 1 year of feeling bored with my poker play or I’m not earning enough or could earn more. Is worth the discipline and growth I will gain as an individual.

My reward at the end of the year of this. Is to purchase a brand new desk/computer/headset basically my Dream grind station all with poker money. Challenge begins now

Bankroll: $6302

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Have not played. I am frustrated I can’t play. So instead of getting angry and disrupting myself and the lives of my family. I will project my frustration here. And remember this all training for my mind, so when I am able to put in more volume consistently I am a better person and player. With more hunger and passion for the game. Thank you all for reading

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I found a way for me to stay motivated and grind that plo100 stake for a year. An hourly rate chart. Once I play, I will input a time played and ending bankroll after playing with a +/-. Once the challenge is over I will put these results into an excel spreadsheet and get a true hourly rate for year. And yes once I go to 200bb I will indicate that for my records and the graph! I will be playing a 2hr session tomorrow so stay tuned.

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Ship it, are you still playing pppoker? I'm an agent for a active club in UK with lively plo games running. I don't think I've seen a vpip below 60 😂 message me or reply maybe? Cheers.

Not interested thank you sir!

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Just played 1hr -471$.... ran terrible. I was way way way more aware of my emotions and my mind though. I played well through the whole session which is awesome. Just need to understand that this is normal. And I need to focus on what I can control.

Bankroll: $5,831

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So since the start of the challenge. I have played for 3 hrs and result is -1,188$.... pretty terrible. Not feeling great about the game. Given my current situation I can’t play the volume I want too. So if I do get a chance to play I’m very very excited about it. And it goes poorly, also I am unsure when is the next chance I can play. It is a very poor cycle.

I might go back to short stacking for the time being. Build up more cushion with the bankroll. The swings are not as heavy. When I’m all in for my 100bb stack and I lose it hurts. Which is a sign to me that I have accumulated emotion from my past 3 sessions. Or the money is starting to affect my emotions. I am going to take the safe route and transition back to 50bb play. But keep my stack the same. This change will also be indicated in the hourly rate chart. Thank you all for reading.

Bankroll: $5,014

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CHALLENGE UPDATE:

Idk how to put this into a graph yet. But I am learning and finding a strategy that works. Learning these game types and playing less tables which is awesome! As you see, small upswing last 3/4 sessions. Just need to keep focused and stick to this strategy that is working very well. Can’t wait to see what this looks like 6months from now in terms of hourly rate thank you for reading as always

Bankroll: $6,240

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This sucks. -729$ in 2 hours. I played way way too many tables. And the wrong game types when I’m multi tabling. I will fix these mistakes. I am not angry or sad. I am simply going to learn from this accept it and move on. Thanks for reading

Bankroll: $5,511

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I keep playing when I shouldn’t. It is creating a problem where I am forcing action. I need to have confidence that life will return to a state where I can play more.

Well. This is where we are at. Pretty disappointed overall right now. But perspective is everything starting next week my volume will be increasing. I’m struggling with formats as well, because my play time is limited I am feeling myself wanting to take higher variance lines and formats. I am lacking the discipline. It is very frustrating. This happens only when a downswing or B/E is occurring. I start to search for the next way to make money instead of putting my nose to the grind stone. So. I need to put my nose to the grind stone. Good luck everyone. Thanks for reading

Bankroll: $5,374

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