@IveGotUrOuts
Thanks dude. Yeah stress is definitely a reason. But I just need to learn how to handle it better.
@chillskill
Thanks
@Brigov
Yeah it should help. I am a bit afraid that in short term it will decrees my mindset a bit but in two-three weeks it should be much better.
@noobis
Thanks dude
@HTFisherman
You’re welcome. I am glad when my thoughts can help someone spot something.
I’ve changed my believes about past. I used to think that past is past and I should left it as it was. In real life this approach doesn’t make big difference, in poker I think it has huge difference. Don’t get me wrong I am not one of those guys who say if you had bad childhood you won’t achieve anything. I think the very opposite way. I think when you get challenged you get better to deal with it, when you get better you are ready to deal with more problems. When you are ready to deal with more problems, you get more experience, and you can get more from your life.
Why I’ve changed my believes? I understood that mostly I tilt because there are a lot of accumulated emotions in me. All the childhood I was running away from problems in PC games. Mostly Warcraft III. It was only thing I was good at. I never came back to past, it was too painful for me. Those emotions arise and arise. Because of poker I start to understand it. Poker forces you to deal with all your mental weaknesses, if you are going to play as much as me, there is no way around it. If you are going to do it for hour two a day, then probably you don’t need to deal with anything but when you grind 50-60 hours a week you have to deal with it.
Yesterday I was listening this depressing song ( I am still listening it right now) I was thinking about my bad past experiences, experiences I didn’t want to deal with and tried to forget. I was shocked , I thought about something what happened 10 years ago and I felt anger, hate, I was in fighting mode and I wanted revenge. Those emotions are very strong. Guess what, if I feel them, it means they were accumulated all the time, I wasn’t aware of it. They are still here and they have impact on my life, they may sabotage myself. Even if I can’t get rid of them totally I can decrease their impact let’s say about 50-80%. It should have huge impact on my future, both on happiness and achievement.
Sometimes I hate poker. I really do, when it is very thought, and variation beats you day, after day, after day. But for most part I ****ing love it. You have to deal with all your emotional and mental problems. You learn how to understand your emotions better, you learn how to manage them better, most of jobs don’t give you this opportunity. More than that, it not only give you an opportunity but it forces you to do it. It forces you to be well prepared, to control your emotions. It forces you to change. It will break you or make you, there is no other way. When I think how much I learned about myself, how much experience I earned, how much I changed I think it was ****in’ worth it. Even though I pay in my health. I don’t lie to myself that it’s healthy job. You get so much stress that it has impact on your life and health but when you learn how to manage it, you learn something what is priceless and you can use it for your whole life.
Long story short I am going to remind myself past for few next days / weeks to find out how it works. This illness is a pain in the ass I can’t do anything normal. But I am glad I am ill. I am forced to think about everything, and I have more time to think. Also I lost a lot of BF because I can’t eat too much. I wouldn’t eat if it wasn’t be necessary to take antibiotic. I always had some fat on belly. Now I lost like 8kg and it looks like that: