I know Added

Today I am super happy and extremely excited. I've realized that I failed at two of my goals this year. First I failed at meditating two years straight. Totally my fault, got drunk not on other peoples party but invited friends, got drunk, drunk too much (because of downswing) and fall down and felt asleep. I failed at 689 days meditating every single day (it was like 3-4 continents, many times at the plane, many times drunk or high (not last time thought)). The 2nd thing I've realized was I failed at something that I was afirmatting myself almost twice daily for last 13 months. Since my travel to USA a lot of stuff changed and since then I started affirmations. Last week I gave up on it (afirmation supposed to be till my BD) because didn't see any way that I can succeed at it. What I've realized that even though I made a huge goals for myself (for the point I was in life) I've achieved 66.9% of this goal. While doing so I've increased my totall BR by 224.7% in like 13 months. This made me realize how huge success I achieved and that there is no way that I am going to give up on affirmation. What I've realized is that there is no way I am going to give up on affirmations, especially that spewed a lot of money on USA / Hong Kong / Peru and some other smaller trips in those 13 months. What is funny is that the way how my BR increased is very lame, unsexy and completely not in a ways that I expected. My afirmations didn't say a **** about way of getting it but as long as money are comming I am fine even with most lame ways as long as they come withing my values.

The best part is that 3 new books arrived today, the smell of new books, oh my Good. Life is so ****ing awesome. Variance helped me with last month. I never, ever had losing month, was trying to keep it to myself because I don't like to ***** about my problems to other people, however every time someone asked me about my results I gave him honest answer, I hated every one of them, it kicked me in the balls every single ****ing time, I hated it. So after not having a single losing month in my carrier like 4 years or os (since blog started) according to sheet I had one month that showed something like -17.500k Euro losings and 4 months of losing money...... It was hard as **** to endure through it but no one said it's gonna be easy. Probably most frustrating point was when I had nl600 reg who were beating my ass, keep taking lobby and put me on huge tilt. He ****ing forced me to become my nemesis and my enemy. After a month of hard work and a few BIs I've learned how to crush this ****er, he lost -1.5BI and quit me, no action since.... Lately HU showed me it's worst side, got ****ed by two players together, against me, they even said it at chat room did nothing, yet they really crushed me, I really played bad against their strategy (two different ones) Got buttoned a ****ing lot BUT I DID ****ING ENDURED IT. The last month (even though came back from Hong Kong at 08.10) ended up with profit of ~ 28 465 Euro booking biggest month in my history. I am soo ****ing greatfull for people close to my who helped me with enduring it and who inspired me.

The best part is I was literally ready to do everything I had to do to start winning again, I started but the hard steps I made are going to be pushed forward. There is no moving back only forward. I've been so much inspired lately, at my BD I am going to create new affirmations even bigger and I am gonna do everything I can to achieve them. I have to learn better to thrive during chaos. I love that I spend quality familly time, that I have an awesome relationship with girl I love and that I have awesome friends with whom I can spend time. I know that I am going to pay the price for traveling and doing stuff with more chaos, but well, chaos is a big part of life and I am starting to stop battling it. I am setting up myself for even bigger goals and I feel bloodlust.

Great you are back!

@kaboom100k
I wouldn't say back. Here and there I am going write about something that I find interesting. Sometimes what other people find interesting but will post for quite a while. Unforuntely not daily like I used to for more than a year


Hello, Hello

It's been a while. Long story short I did one thing that I was very fascinate about for a while. It's called Ayahuasca.
Friend of mine told me about it when we were living in Medellin, Columbia. I saw it when I was like 16 saw some document and that was it.
But in Medelline I wanted to try it. Over the time here and there I've learned more about psyhodeics drugs and I've thought it's my Jam.
I don't like alcohol any longer, same is with weed (I can go into better states with meditation than with both of them) and I am not interested in other drugs.
Saying that stuff like psychedelics got my attention.

So I was talking with my friend on Skype. He told me that he was stooned with some **** I told him I was thinking about Ayahuasca and long story we planned to go.
He delayed one month our planned trip and said that we should go for December because then he will go for 1000% so we booked everything and were waiting.
It supposed to be an amazing trip, we supposed to go for 3 aya ceremonies for 5 days outside of Cuzco and then go with Inca Trails to see Machu Picu while hiking.
Very solid goals. Then at the November around 1 month before our trip he told me he won't go there. One of my worst fears came true. I was in front of a choice,
going on my own or facing one of my big fears, flying on my own and doing everything on my own. I've been in quite few places, like south america, central america,
north america, asia twice and in plenty of places over the Europe but I always were there with someone, I've never been traveling without some sort of support from
someone else. It was hard choice but I've though **** it I am going anyway.

I was all nervous about it so I started to prepare well for it. Bought everything I needed way earlier than usual, had my insurance, flights, everything ready.
Than like 3 weeks before the trip something ****ed up with my back. I was really in the zone. Since I came back from Hong Kong I was hungry for blood.
I was committed as **** and I was grinding like mofo 10-12h a day grind with some work on game. I know that at that level I was finally being able to earning
those nice dollars I want from this game. Than it hit me. My lumbars had different opinion. Those guys didn't like how I abused them so they gave it back.
For almost two weeks I wasn't able to sit on my ****ing ass. I could either walk or lie. Nothing in between, at least no longer than whole 2 minutes.
Than I said something I always regret saying. "Well it can't ****ed up more, can it?". World as always wait for some challenges, it even doesn't matter are those good or bad.
2 days latter my nail went like crocodile when I moving new desk (had to order standing desk because wasn't able to sit) had to go to chirurg to get rid of the nail and there I was.
Week before travel, no nail, with chronic lumbar pain, at that point I've even realized my priorities. I was way more happy to go with my fiance to the coffee shop holding her hand,
than being out there alone, going through some trees to see wonder of the world. Anyway there I was, sitting in the airplane to Cuzco, knowing that if everything goes smoothly,
My flight will take "just" 30h if something ****'s up, God know how long. While I was siting I was thinking that it never stop to amaze me, how many phobias and fears I can have.
I know the drill quite well, I know that while doing them I am not afraid, it's hard to not know with being afraid of important, lifechanging stuff, anyway preparation and execution
helps me get rid of fear so let it be.

I was trying to charm my luck and since there was soo many ****es up before I was telling myself, everything's gonna be allright, now you are in the game so it's going to get better.
Didn't work as well as expected, just after the 2nd flight the manage to destroy my bag handle what meant I had to move 25kg with just my arm strengths, who need wheels anyway, right?
Then I got misdirected 5 times at the Madrid Airport (Also never stops to amaze me how people loves to give their opinion on stuff they don't know a **** about without using "I am guessing /
I am thinking" or something alike and just saying "Go there") It happened to be most misguided airport I've ever seen, even sings were saying "cmon bro, you have 1.5h of free time? I know
that you can still be late for your flight"). Everything went smoothly since than, with experience I knew to pack another shirt to my carry on so being all wet from the 25kg bag, didn't affect me
as much as it could. Anyway I was almost there. Lima. I was almost celebrating. I almost could feel the awesome fresh water after all this traveling, the awesome shower and how refreshing,
it is. It was only 1h 20 min flight till Cuzco. I saw that they are talking something in Spanish about my flight, I saw 20 min deally I've though no biggy, I was fine and calm about it. Then I saw
another 20 min dellay it become suspicious. Anyway a girl approached me, she was from Brazil, we were talking then I saw another 20 min, so whole hour, then another 30 min and once
again 30 min. The crew was keep changing their deadlines to, buha, that's right, they canceled my flight. Had to run for my life some place else, where they also dellayed 20 min and off I went.

Day before the ceremony I had to drink vulcanic water to clean my system. (On top of not eating red meat, coffee, chocolate, salt, everything that I love, the only thing I could eat was chicken that I don't like and that I happy didn't eat for last 8 years or so) I had to fast at least 4 hours before it but for me 12 hour seemed just fine. With those flight dellayes I ended up fasting like 18h. I went there and it's when get juicy. They are telling me I have to drink a cup of vulcanic water, I taste it, doesn't seem so bad, a bit salty, etc. It was 0.75l or so, not inicent but I can do it.
But there are three things you need to know about. (Now we go to funny part). First you got to drink it as fast as you can. 2nd you got to each 6 of those as fast as you can
(6x0.75l try it even with unsalty water in like 5 min, gl with how pleasure it is....) last but not least, you'll get dairrhea, maybe vomit a bit, worse case scenario both at the same time.
Yeah the old good dairrhea, after flying and fasting, perfect. So I drank 6 of those cups in like 5-10min (hated every glup of it after 2nd cup) then drank another one in next hour and ended up just like they said. Unfortunatelly what they forgot to tell me. Do not eat 2h after the cleaning unless it's going to be worse. So there I was 3000m above the water level, 24 fasting, all cleaned up,
went for hunt for VEGEFOOD, they told me it's what I can eat. Yeah old good vege food.... Of course I had to go up on incline, and it was on the 2nd floor. But what you wouldn't do, for
tasty vege meal.... after travelling, fasting and stuff. And let me tell you I did not get any sleep that night because they forgot to tell me to don't eat 2h after cleaning because it will get,
way, way worse than before.... Anyway in the end those stuff doesn't matter, they just make travel feels more like travel. This post is getting long so will write about Aya in the next one.

BTW I wonder how guy like this handles traveling:
https://www.facebook.com/bbctravelsh...5977717163179/
The guy is really amazing and really makes all your travel problems feel very, very small.
Also the thing is, when everything went smoothly I don't even remember the travel. The more rush travels makes me remember them better. Maybe even enjoy a little bit more thewhole experience. Of course when I am back home, fully regenerated.

Well, I wanted to go to sleep and rest but variance had other plans.
To claim Bitcoin Cash, only because I've been using Armory before I needed to spend like 3h to figure it out and now like another 1.5h till it will scan each single private key....
Anyway hourly is very good and in the meantime I can go back to writing post.
I'll just translate to English most of my expeirence that I wrote at 5:30 after I woke up (we went to sleep around 01:00 or so but I was in the mission to go back home so didn't sleep.

Day 2 (Day 1 was amazing vulcano water with vege food)
I remember, that I was laughing soo hard that I started to cry, I was laughing and crying, than crying and laughing, then some crying and some laughing again.
The reason why I was crying from laugh was that I remind myself, during the aya trip, that friends told me that they would love me to tell them what I feel.
The idea of explaining what I was feeling was soo hilarious that it was hard to catch my breath. The idea that someone would try to understand it with his sence..... just hilarious.....
I remember that when I was watching some document about Acient Egipit they said that Egiptian believed that we have 320 - 460 (something alike) sences, no 5, but a huge number...
Saying that someone has 6th sence and making mofo out of him while Egpitians were saying about few hundred sences..... To top all of that every one of your sences is super,
extremelly strong. You just feel them very, very strongly. Way, way, way stronger than usuall. So not only you have few hundred sences, you feel them way deeper than usuall
(Yeah I was feeling way more sences than just basic 5 sences, even when I was touching something I've felt it with 4 different sences).

Easy example of what other sences feels like during Aya trip. Far, far away you hear wolf, wolf is howling. You understand that he blesses you and your fiance and your future childrens.
Then suddenly you see him from above, he gets smaller, you start to see earth from cosmos, like small ball, yet you still see wolf, you thank him for his blessing, and all of the sudden
you see thousands of wolfs around the world that are howling for you, you hear them all, you know they all bless you in unison, you thank them all, while keep seing earth from cosmos.
Then you go more and more far away and you end up at some sort of kaleidoscope. Full of very strong, bright colors, they all are dancing. They have colors of Peruvian's hat.
You see that some beings are dancing, some beings are communicating with yourself. They communicate not speak. They communicate with soul langauge, their soul connect to your
and all of the sudden, they know everything about you, they know what you want to tell them and they know who you are. To top that, they know way better who you are than you know it yourself.
As your human being, you are limited, you don't have acess to your whole soule becuase it would be too deep and you wouldn't manage it. So some stranger being knows more about you than you
will ever know at this lifetime. Yet all your plans, and everything what you wanted to comunicate are known for that being. Slowly you start getting why all your other sences are asleep,
while just 5 sences do the job. You feel way overwhelmed with all those experiences, then you touch the wall behind you, you feel whole emotional roller coster, just from touching a wall,
you see colors, you see sounds, you hear colors, you know that those stuff are here but on daily basis you have no access to it. You read it in order but it had no order. Everything were in 'chaos'.
At least chaos for us. In that 'space' / In those words there is no such a thing like time, at least no in a way that we understand it, stuff happenes stimulatiusly, they end before they began
and they began at the end. For your Ancestors, for Mother Nautre, there is no time, no time in our sence. Time there is different, stimuanitously you have present, past and future.
I am writing it in a chaotic way because everything you see is chaotic and without order that we as a people crave. Our perception is way, way different than perception of our 'souls'.
/// No wonder why I was crying from laugh when I was thinking about explaining it. While I write it I feel huge ammounts of energy going through my veins, I feel amazing, even though
I should be sleeping and I know that even though I use soo much space and soo much words to describe it, it won't be understood on that deep level that I've felt it. During the trip you
understand all those stuff in just a clap of fingers.

When the Trip started I was expecting fight with my demons. I was expecting going over and over everything traumatic in my life to let me be free from it in the present. No such thing happen.
Since First minute I had good trip. I've asked Mother Ayahuasca, why. I've asked why I don't fight demons, why it's a good trip and why it is how it is. She was laughing. It was entertaining
question for her and She in her neverending knowledge and wisdom replay. "You do not get what you expect, nor what you want, You get what you need. You had enough of bad experience,
you need to learn one very important lesson and one only, there won't be demons, there won't be other stuff, just one lesson". Then the trip started.



It's enough for me for today. I see that those bitcoin cash will take their time so I am going to bed. I feel like I am going to remind myself some of those stuff during my sleep and I can't wait. Have 8 more pages in my journal so will be a bit more content (won't write down everything though, some stuff will be only for friends and familly).
Btw kaleidoscop, this is a bit what I saw when I was saying I saw kaleidoscop:



It was pusling, It was vibrating and there weren't any sort of whirwild because I was in the center but it super bright with many, many different shapes. (Latter I've learned that stuff like that are
only saw by shaman after 5 years of training+ but more about it latter).

After reciving some dislikes I've thought, ok **** it I won't finish writing the trip. I won't be like a some sort of Jehova witness who keeps poundidng at your door and say: "hey listen to me I've got the answers". I've though **** it I don't need it I am fine with my answers. My friends and family heard them I am fine with that. I've also send my polish diary word by word and they read it. The other part was that I was a bit of afraid to write it. After writing first post, for two weeks both me and my fiance had problems sleeping. I knew that I was going back to my trip, not as intense or anything but I've felt that I was going back to other dimensions and I got to do something and I've been waking up tiered after 9-10h of sleep. My fiance were saying that she had crazy weird and very uncommon dreams. Saying that after one meditaiton I had super strong urge to finish Napoleon Hill book, Think and Grow Rich. I had only few pages left, literally the last chapter of the book. At that chapter it was about life's mission, and about some other almost esoteric stuff. I've feel super weird reading and, mostly because I've understood him very well. Then the part came where he wrote, he was afraid of writing this part, because he knew he's going to be misunderstood, most people will find it odd, him odd, or even his book odd but he knew that he has to write it to the few out there. Since then I've learned that approach. I fighted with it for like week and a half because I had a lot of stuff to do but this little thing keeps draining a **** load of energy from me so I decided I'll finish what I start at this blog. Here it comes:

During the trip one thing came over and over again. It was the image of my fiance holding with her little hand my finger. I knew that it was the image of my love to her and only thing that keeps me sane during whole trip. No matter what you would like to think, staying sane during Aya trip is extremely hard to do, over and over again I was feeling endless pleasure, the pleasure that is beyond description. Even the most pleasurable thing at the earth would need to be multiplayed by like 1kk times to match it. Every single time I was seduce to "become a free man" what meant to lose my boundaries and live in endless pleasure, every time it happened I saw my fiance grabbing me with her little hand. I knew that becoming a "free man" meant losing everything I hold dear, even my love to her so I was keep going with everything I've got and I was sober up for a little while then I came into trance again. Again same thing happened, little taste of something unimaginable and beyond limits pleasurable, than seducing me into staying there forever, then I was keep fighting it with everything I've got with fiance help. First some beings started to help me, then some wolfs, at the end I saw a woman, who's hairs were from snakes heads, she had a long, long dress that ended with snakes heads as well, she had a long stuff with snakes heads or without, she was dignified and calm (when I was telling about that part the next day, our Maestro, caretaker, pschylog, docotor, all of them at the same time said: "madre di Ayahuasca", what means Mother Ayahuasca) and she helped me fight it off for the last time. I've heard that I've passed the test. I didn't hear it like normal sound, it was more like soul language again. I've heard that "I am the one of a lucky few" that was with English. The one thing that I forget to mention earlier. Every time after each "fight" when I was sobbering up, I was crying and crying and crying, I was crying and telling myself I cry because it's something BEAUTIFUL, after each fight more and more voices was repeating same phrase, that it was beautiful.

After I've heard "I am the one of a lucky few" I start reciving a lot of informations most through soul, only that phrase in english and other stuff in Spanish (that I understood back than). I've heard that I am lucky because I've learned why I am here at Earth, I've learned my real goal of being here. I was shown why it's my goal and for every other question answer were, it doesn't really matter because the only important thing is and then my life goal came back again. Do I have to earn a lot of money? It doesn't really matter and it went on and on. I've also learned that the most important thing at the end of human life is purity of his heart, that he can have his weaknesses, he can fall and go back up again, he can do harm even if he means good and so on, as long as his heart is clean it's going end up good. I saw the "Hell" it was within "Heaven", the difference was that there were beings who ended up in endless pleasure , without goals, without being themselves, they were like drugs heads, their whole goal of living was to have pleasure, nothing else mattered, their wisdom got lost, their sences and experience got lost, they were in endless pleasure for ever and ever. The higher beings wasn't focused on pleasures, they were rather focusing on gaining more and more experiences. It was very liberating process.


I had prepaid and booked 5 days of Aya, visiting Machu Pictu, going through Inca Trail a lot of cool ****, I gave everything of that and Paid extra like 1000-1500 euro to go back the very next day to be with my fiance. The trip took me like 40h or so and I was with her. I didn't ate anything for like 72h or so, drank only water. Now it's 51 days after my first ceremony that was my last. I am doing meditation twice daily for 23min 25 second after I wake up and before I go to bed. I feel like I've earned 5 additional years of experience of daily meditation and I feel way better than while being high, almost each time I meditate. I don't feel like doing any alcohol or anything else, it's just doesn't have any sense if I can feel more by meditating without side effects and with good benefits from it... During the Ceremony I've heard that I am allowed to drink only water. I've thought it meant at the begging but it eneded up that sometimes even chamomile was too strong for me... so I ended up drinking just water with lemon, or salt, or just pure water. Still processing everything that happened and I believe it's too soon to talk about any changes. I will feel better telling about it after a year or so. What I see is that I act way different towards people, way different I am not as judgmental as I used to because everytime I think maybe their life mission needs them to be there and doing what they are doing. Because of that I am going to need change my punishment for next commitments. I've failed those commitments because of many stuff and I've paid my price. I've even felt good doing this:

I've felt I can help someone and this is now hot it suppoused to work... 😉
Also last year in numbers:


Watching Netflix with my fiance took it toll and I dropped from like 90% productiveness to 77 but I am fine with that. Have an amazing day!

It's funny I was fighting with myself (like always) and was trying to do many things. I was forcing myself to do next 100 days challenge, even though I saw the last one didn't work. Punishment doesn't work anymore, giving Muslims 400 euro didn't seem like punishment. I kind of lost emotional connection with money, or it is not as strong as it was. When I did Ayahuasca I wanted to get rid of my inner aggression / frustration that I had on daily basis. I've though it's going to help me earn more. It ended up I am not hustling as much. Hard to say why is that. Today while meditating I've realized that I am different person that I used to be before Aya (somewhere around November) so I have to find out new method of dealing with my mindset. I have a lot of questions and no answers I guess I have to just learn what works for me now, like I did learn before. I was struggling with old stuff so I had to accept that I am different now and I have to find what works for me. This realisation made me quit commitments for the first time. I always had a rule to do commitments than adapt but it's soo counterproductive right now it just does more charm than good. It's very tricky and risky what I am doing but I got to trust myself and trust myself and see where it brings me, what I was afraid of happened but the worst case scenario is I am going to lose like 1year or so, best case scenario it's going to bring me on brand new level.

While grinding is quite enjoyable and I can put like 3-5h sesssion on most days with 1200-1600 hands per session, working on game is kind of tricky. The results are interesting BUT the efford of going through process it takes huge mental effort. At least for me. The graph of how my work on game looks like is greatly showed by my weekly excel:

The aggression, frustration and passion were knocking to my door, then they were punching to my door, then they were throwing my stuff until I happily realized that my old buddy is back. It felt like ages since I had that rage and it made me insanely happy person in that moment when I've realized it's back. I was doing huge mess to myself for a while with trying to disconnect from it and he was tooo small to scream loud enough until today.
I am so greatfull that finally it came back. It's 8 month since Ayahuasca the whole rage, furstration, aggression was gone for a while. It's been with me for as long as I can remember, I've learned how to embrace it, use it and rise with it, not despite it but because of it. I've felt kinda lost when it was gone. I had to find myself once again, since my priorities shift and since the most important thing for me become family it was struggle with other things. Yet since the old buddy is back and I've finally notice him (after throwing headset on keyboard and slamming the desk) I know we will be better than ever, since I've learned to manage a **** load of accumulated emotions and current emotions I am going to be better than ever to just work with what come to me. Sometimes you just feel stuff, that are going to happen in the future.

The point at which it showed up was when after my best month that almost tripled my second best month I am running so bad that it's even hard to review those hands after 2 hours. Anyway my long missed friend is back so I am glad it happened. I had really hard time to connect to my anger and aggression because I have amazing life, that I am very grateful for and a lot of great and beautiful stuff happens so it's really hard to feel angry for longer and it's easier to distract myself, but since we are together it's going to be a ride. I just have to set some strict boundaries so my new top priority won't overlay on my other priorities in life and it's going to be majestic. Keep crushing guys!

Spoiler CHICKS StorIES!!!!!!

It's been a while. With chick story it's been a years... literally... Saying that, sleepless night was always best for reflections and writing and I wanted to writ it for some time. I am happy in a meaningfull and mature relationship since 28 August 2014, just before I left for Columbia, it's been 5 years together and we both forgot, sick and funny at the same time. So anyway it's not about our relationship. It's about CHICKS STORY!!! Maybe a bit more about self-awarness, experiences and other things. So it might be chaotic ��

At my local small shop I was trying the same thing on two women, who were attractrive and worked there. I am writing in a past because both quit. Some time ago I was testing my sexual energy, picking up, not with words but how you say them, etc. It was my way of picking up, at least effective way of picking up... ; ) So more or less I was saying quite normall stuff like "hello", "I am going to pay with card" stuff like that and little chitchat like "today weren't many people, where they?", each time it took like 30s or so. I were also picturing those women naked while doing convesation (it wasn't so hard because they were hotish - one replaced the other, after first one quit). While doing so I let my body let the rest. Both time it worked extremelly well. From their problems with concentration about answering questions, forgeting did they gave change or not to my other half asking me "Hon, are that girl in that shop, you know long dark hair, etc. Is into you?", "Yeah I guess, why do you ask?", "She's soo mean and bittchy for no reason but now it has more sence". I could pull the tigger with them easily, but that was never my goal I was just courious, it's funny when people try to say THE PERFECT SENTENCE when they meet a gril, yet time and time again it seems that words are not that neccessary, at lest nothing fancy.

The other thing is in about half year after I became pro I was dating that one bitchy girl, that I liked very much btw. Everything went very smoothly, at least as smoothly as it goes with those bitchy ones, she was even staying on night here and there. We had a good agrement that were fu,ck buddies, yet it was kind of weird version of it, she was texting me daily (oh boy, more like hourly) calling, she even get mad once that she called at like 2 at the night from the club and in the background she've heard women laugh, she started gestappo questions, "are you wtih someone?", "Yep", "Are you alone with that someone?", "Nope", than unfortunately she've heard the other friend who said something and than it went like "I gotta go bye", "Good Night". She was treating me silently for whole 6h next day and she called like at noon or something. She called with something like "Oh did you had your fun?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!", "I did, thanks for not calling earlier" it was first and only time when I've heard not knowing what to say. I did a little teasing and said stuff like that "Oh comeone, it was her birthday, she came at night with her female friend, they were drunk as hell, what else I could do?" In like two days everything went back to how it was earlier. (Yeah hourly texting, yuppi!...... ; ( ) In like one month after that everything went smothly but I had to back down. I started to feel some kind of attachment and I knew it's time to quit. I told or write her, "Hey, I have to quit the thing we have. I start to feel something. I need to either go further and become a couple to test it or stop seing you.", she replied something like "I don't want to be in a relationship right now, I've been in it for last 5 years, I am young I want to have fun" replied something along the lines: "I respect that, take care, I am going to have some nice memories with you". I am writing about it because after 3 years from that I've learned why I was into those bitchy types (even though I fortunately know better and bitchy women are no good for relationships, toooooooooooo much drama and hassle but it came with my ex). I was into them because they didn't give a damn and were true grinders. Like 2-3 years ago she added me on FB. I accepted we talked a bit, she told me she wants to meet. I told her I am in a realltionship and than grind began over the next year or so. I was removed from FB and blocked and added like 6 times, while being asked are you still in a relationship or no? If the answer was 'nope, sorry ' the block come for some time and she strickes again. Those bitchy don't fu.ck around, they want something they go after it.

Some time ago before friend was leaving for traveling, we were sitting at some restaurant and talking. From one topic to the other we ended up on chicks. I told him that I kind of feel amazed by Blizerian. Soooo many years he's still chasing chicks and he still seems to like it . Of course it's pleasant but it gets old fast. First you get trill from kssing, than sex on 3rd date, than sex on first date (it's harder because it needs some logistic "I want to show you some park, you will be thrilled, we can drink there wine and chillout", "oh damn, we don't have opener, the shop is far away, we can go at my place grap opener and go out again", "Ok I got it, good that I live nearby, you want to go out right away or you want to try some of my other wine and eat something before we go, I can prepare something quite fast or we both can cook something" and from one thing to other it ends like that but most woman are going to have moral problems with that sort of stuff so to meet again you have to send something that will calm her down (send sms (even though I hate those) it works best if she's not calling) something like "Oh, I don't know what to say, I am shocked it happend, we both know that what we did have was magic and because of that we get with it, even though we had other plans. I hope you are allright, I would love to hear your voice") but it also goes old. You have to have some other thing to make you trill. He told me he've heard somewhere that he has someone to watch him to have a thrill. I disagreed that it only means woman is watchin, than I was thinking about it a bit and I still don't think that is it. The thing is it's different kind of rush when you are doing it, let's say at the office with glass walls, under the tables with door locked with a rush from the idea that someone might see you or you might get away with it, while when there are poligamy you feel more like alpha. It's more like adrenalin vs I am soo manish I feel like alpha. It's really interesting how many people won't get old with it, or how far you have to go to keep that thrill on.

Last thing. Let's imadgine that your long term crush, the one who inspire you to get way better version of yourself to get laid with her, calls you when she's drunk and she's ready to do it, she even stars it. This is what happened to me. I didn't go for it. I told her that I would love it but I respect her too much to do it for the first time when she's drunk. Long story short I lost that chance. She was acting weird, didn't want to hang out etc. (Yet wanted to talk for hours on skype.... yep that's what I love..... text me, skype me, don't hang out.... ) I remember that I was swearing to my friend with whom I was living back than: "Why I have to follow my rules, ****, ****, ****, I was soo close to see how it's going to be like". From the wider perspective I am supper happy that it happened. Who know maybe if we would end up together and I wouldn't be in a current relationship. It's 5 years together and each year is better. Plenty of people say it's get worse over time, for us it gets better. It's a very hard work but it gets better. The idea of losing it makes me think that sometimes maybe it's good that stuff doesn't go your way. Maybe even losing a chance with your long term crush for staying with your rules or something else ends up as neccessary step toward something better. Life is always funny, sometimes in ironic ways.

Keep Crushing and GL Guys!

I used to think about this year as most challenging, with a lot of badbeats etc. I was ill 2 times in last five years. This year I was ill 3 times. My EV winrate was 2x bigger than my cash Winrate. Yet this is the most lucky year ever. Why? I survived life-dead coinflop. It's even more than that I was underdog. When I was riding a bike on bicyckle road car rushed into me and hit me. There were soo many ways how it could end up badly. Like really bad. From paralize, to death. When I was 18 and some grandpa hit me with his car on my green light on sidewalk I was thinking about hedonistic stuff that I've missed. Parties that I am going to miss, being to strict with diet, chicks that I should pick up. It's been 9 years since that accident and it's amazing to see how my prorities shifted in that time. This time I didn't have flashbacks I was just thinking that I am going to leave people that I do not want to leave, how impact it will have on them and other stuff like that. I've realized that I achieved everything that I wrote down 10 years ago. Some stuff are achieved on bigger scale that I wanted but I've missed 100% of my yearly goals : D

So this year was most lucky year. This year affirmations proved me wrong. So I stopped doing them after 14months straight twice daily (it was pain in the ass to do them in airplanes, trains, etc.) Their goal is to help you achieve something bigger that you would achieve with normal work. Last 'year' it happened, this it did not. Of course if in next 2-3 months I am gonna have huge jumps I am gonna be more than happy to go back to them, even though I don't like them. Ended up very good year. I've made new record for handstanding 10 days after accident. A lot of other project hit me this year, making major stress and I did overworked myself, I saw that there is no value in being ill 3 times a year+ so I am doing things slower. Than at some point I was ****ing around a bit and trying to balance it out. I guess what I supposed to do is to make next 10 year goals and don't care about the rest, even though I am failing regulary at yearly ones.

What a way to end the year! Last year at new year Eve we felt asleep earlier I got woked up by fireworks and since we didn't go anywhere or did anything I started work and it was magic. I've made like 2.5-3k Euro in a single 6h session. The traffic was terrific, this year traffic was also terrific, those were also big games with big earnings so I doubled the last year day, however I also reversed it. Which is less cool. I was very active at holidays and we had great holidays and I said I want New Year's Eve free so I can work, and I did. I woke up around 22:40, ****ed around like hour on tablet (was kinda sleepy after 3-3.5h of sleep) and wake up to do the job.
First coffee split on my white long sleeve - "ah it doesn't matter, it's gotta be good day" I sat down and it was like my first hand, at least first I remember.
Than at next big pot my PC restarted. It ended up that the server I've build made my PC vulnerable for some reasons I wasn't able to figure out, yet. I've lost some big pots that wasn't tracked because of memory error. I told myself "it doesn't matter, it's gotta be good day" I removed half of it memory, just in case and started grinding again, when I came back:





I assume I did lose like 6k euro overall but it's always tricky with mind. It make your loses bigger, your impact bigger and variance smaller. Anyway it hurted like hell during the session. I was amazed by my performance. By me being disciplined to quit once table became not as good, by ability of opening nl50 for the first time in like 3 years to cut losses short and win some money back. I was playing very good session. I was keep telling myself, even if you do not feel like you play bad, treat spots like you play bad, since variance doing a ****storm take umbrealla and assume that people aren't as aggressive at it appears because they just have it all the time. I checked some more hands and I saw yesterday:


And yeah some of those hands are debatable. There is no iffs about it. The thing with big pots and close spots is, they are always debatable. You do not gain big edges on it. I could quit from those spots I agree, it could be smarter way of approaching or it could be worse because people tendencies were way off. Like x/r Flop 40% of time or 3beting 30% over large sample, over many players, it seemed they were drunk (daaa) then close spots becomes better as aggressive calls or thin bets.

I also see some mistakes and tilts. I was pathentic with those cbets at some point and was did cbet wrong part of my range against agro strategy I should xb and I see lack of balls to Jam A9 hand that is super standard, it just seemed as yeah well I am gonna jam and lose again gg. This spot was slam Jam.


So I checked other room, seems similar:



Won't spam those spots anymore. Those are big, some arguable hands, non of which super weird seeing super aggressive tendencies of players, over big sample. I did made some amazing folds. The things I didn't saw are won pots. There weren't many of them. It could be as wrong as I've thought but I guess I exaggerate it to feel better. Anyway I still believe in "it doesn't matter, it's gotta be good day" I just have to learn some lessons from it. I just have to find a way to thrive. Since I've paid very expensive fee for those lessons I have to do everything in my power for them to be good. Since I want to go into deep stuff about my life that I do not want to filter to change my thought process I am gonna stop here and wish you amazing new year, and I am gonna end with two quotes I like:

It's been comming for some time Kinda happy about it. We're gonna drink some wine, eat some chesse, chill a bit. Hopefully we won't be blown up in the process.

Good Day, good life:


Quite nice session today. Was going to write earlier about Paris trip this day motivated me to do it earlier. Long story short: Pairs is amazing.
I was disappointed earlier with few places I've been that people are saying are so great, so was really shocked about Paris.
Food is great, people are friendly and you can easily speak with them in English (even though I've heard over and over again that they don't like speaking english it didn't happen even once, at least not to me). It's price but for everything you buy have very good quality.
It's definitely place to spend more time than few days. You have amazing architecture, great places to taste food, visit etc.
I've been to Luvre it was okeish yet the Art Musem in NYC is imo way, way better organized. You have a feeling that you want to stay in Art Museum longer and longer, and you want to come back there, on the other hand Luvre quickly overwhelm you. And they put very similar stuff, you have plenty of steps unless you are very enthusiastic about stuff there you will be overwhelmed quite fast.
I was very thrilled about Moulin Rogue theatre. I had front row sits, bottle of champagne, they even put me at the table with guys who have like 80 years and 30 years wifes (with 20 years children... : D ) Anyway the show was very nice and imo it's worth sitting at front row because I imagine it's hard to see anything but boobs from a far, while siting in front row you see what they have under their dresses and outfits. I really did enjoy it, some stuff was really entertaining like a chick that was dancing with some kind of water snakes. It was a very short glass wall and snakes were jumping a bit so you were afraid that they will jump of a water at your table, when we add being drunk it becomes quite nice combo.
What was also "exciting" is when I was going back to the hotel in the night, drunk and alone I saw like 10 different groups of big black guys (like 5ppl+ in each group) looking at me when I was walking there looking like easy money (there is dress code at Moulin Rogue so you have to dress like easy money to those homiess). Have plenty of photos (unfortunately they didn't allowed doing photos to dancers) so once I put them on PC can upload some on my blog.

Have a good evening and crush at the tables
Cheers

Ty for ayahuasca post that was a good read. Don't think I'd have stayed conscious fasting nearly 24h at altitude!

The pacing to your stories is good.

@fragglerock45
I am glad you liked it. It was very strong experience I was battling myself should I share it or not but I've recived many good feedback for sharing it so I am glad I did. Yeah fasting, altitude and all that is "nice" mix



„And what guarantee do you have of a longer life? Who will allow your course to proceed as you arrange it? Aren’t you ashamed to keep for yourself just the remnants of your life, and to devote to wisdom only that time which cannot be spent on any business? How late it is to begin really live just when life must end! How stupid to forget our mortality, and put off sensible plans to our fifties and sixtieth years, aiming to begin life from a point at which few have arrived!”
Seneca Younger

It’s a powerful part that really hit me. I’ve read his book 4-5 times now and somehow this part passed me. I love to go back to philosophy when traveling. Traveling brings you perspective on itself. You see different life, different paradigms, different way of live, of course as long as you don’t travel hermetically. People do their best to standardize everything, with money you can have very similar experience in most countries. You can be somewhere, without interacting with place, have you really left your home then?

Saying that it’s not a point that I am writing about. I feel that that traveling with philosophy is traveling on steroids. Your brain is just bombed and contradict what you are doing, why are you doing it and how are you doing it. Seneca thought hit me like a hammer because I wasn’t alive for last 4-5 months. I realized it, when I was walking down in Geneva, hangover after France, tiered and under slept after 5h of sleep 3 days in a row, cold, hungry and a bit wet. We were going to Geneva “Greenwich Village” called Carouge. We were going to eat there after nice, long walk with cold air and wind. We were there at 14:20. Why does it matter? Because restaurants there are open 12:00-14:00, then open again at 19:00. In the meantime, you can get drunk, you can not eat. Somewhere close to that time I got rekted by Swiss phone charges, 40 USD gone from my card, I am not able to call or use internet. Way to go Switzerland!!!

While going back to the city center, feeling blue and cold, I’ve realized I am alive. Seneca words came back to my mind and I was pondering about them. I’ve realized how much inner power we have, and how much time we spend on being distracted rather than feel alive. I am going to go back to reflecting on my life a bit more. I even lost daily meditation habit some time ago, after almost 2 years (again ALMOST – **** that word, who cares that 3 weeks left, it’s still 1 year of meditation) I stopped doing it for like a month now. Blogging also always helped me go back on track. I’ve been through some **** in the past, but what was happening for last 2 years is a lot, especially last 4-5 months the project I was working on put us under tons of pressure, frustration and challenging times. It’s the first time in my entire life I feel a need for a clean slate. We are moving to Mexico for a while, one-way ticket, another continent might help leaving it all behind. Forget, forgive, move on. I am posting my graph from before that project, just because it’s nice for eye:

https://www.amazon.com/Stillness-Key.../dp/0525538585

- Here is a very good book on Seneca and Stoicism, worth the read.

Stoicism is very good for dealing with tilt. Also love this book which is a little similar.

https://www.amazon.com/Cant-Hurt-Me-.../dp/1544512287

@fragglerock45
Thank you! Added to my list. Didn't knew this one from Ryan.


“You act like mortals in all you fear, and like immortals in all you desire.”
Last two years, were really, really rough. It was a lot of stuff that psychologist call either improvement crisis or life crisis. In just two years I:
Became a father
Became a husband
We’ve bought apartment, planned and prepared everything ourselves.
I almost die, I was on bicycle when car hit me, crushed it window.
Change a profession I was lucky to get to know people with very good contacts, for life and online games so I needed to learn 6 and 9max
I was asked for favor and helped with startup, worked 50h+ weekly for few months what decreased my earnings by a lot I am saying earning 20-30% of what I was earning on average month.
Business investments didn’t work out. (Even after knowing outcome I am still fine with the odds)
One other stressful personal situation that I don’t want to share.
Was ill 7 times in that period (Beside last two years I was ill 2 times last 9 years…)

Some are bigger changes / stressors, some are smaller. Each of them can be dealt with on their own but when they spam together in very short period and most of them happened in one year it becomes challenging. You have literally no way to deal with it in a healthy manner, you fight for survive. The fight didn’t go well, I went from 94kg to 107kg (the fattest I ever were was around 98kg, never above 100kg), lost habit of meditating daily. The worst part is some kid of snowball effects, you lose one good habit, after another, after another. Than you have fight to get them all back.

Three weeks ago I twisted my ankle, what doesn’t help if you want to lose some fat. Doctor said it will take a week to walk without bandage, I made it in three days. I am determinate to go after it. I am at 103.2kg, not great but going into right direction, because I twisted my ankle, I added ankle exercise to my gym to make it STRONGER than before contusion, will take some time but well. I have to rebound. That’s what I am gonna do with every single thing that suffered. I am grinding only nl100 now because I had a few months break and I have to go back into flow and remind myself how to play well but 2 fish at the table help. I also went back to meditating, which is also very cool.

I am super grateful for support of close people, especially over that time period and I am super grateful that we are not a couple who BS ourselves about problems with having a kid and we went to Mexico with 13 months child and didn’t use it for excuse to stay at home and watch tv. Lately philosophy really helps me deal with it. The other thing I am pondering is Charles Dickens: “Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching…. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.” Anyway enough of this, here are some photos from Mexico:









The last one was funny. I was swimming in the cenote, even though I don't know how to swim. I just couldn’t resist of swimming with fish, in nice clear water, with waterfall. It made me feel primarily but in a very nice, restful way (aside from fact that adrenalin was pumping through my blood because I was afraid that I’ll drown….. )