Sup mau****a's,

& Hello to all of you beautiful people. I'm going to be sharing my poker journey over my first online blog.

I've decided to start this up for a couple of reasons.

1) I feel like there may be some entertainment value + lessons to be learnt throughout.
2) To motivate myself and keep myself accountable for my actions surrounding life and poker.
3) To meet people in the community and find a good group of people to progress through life and the zoom stakes with.

The Story: Poker came to me a few years ago while I was living in the mountains as a stoned snowboarder. I was watching t.v. and got my first glimpse of NLHE tournament action. I always knew the rules to poker, but had never played before nor understood the strategy element involved. During this stoned state I wasn't much of a logical thinker, more of a curious thinker, and I was curious whether or not I could make some money at this game. A few years down the road I'm in a different place with my poker, as well as my mental state.

I'm currently 23 years old, with enough time on my hands to give this game that I love a serious shot. The issues that I deal with in regards to improving my poker skills aren't based on a lack of time, the issues are because of my mental game flaws. In this game of life, I have some mental leaks that I've been actively taking action towards. Unfortunately these leaks aren't as simple a fix as my poker game leaks. Dealing with mental health issues isn't something that I would wish upon anyone, however I do believe that many people experiencing mental health problems are dealing with them because there are areas of their life that are not being paid attention to and/or properly dealt with. This isn't the case for everyone, of course all mental illness cannot be lumped together. Regardless, there also doesn't need to be this stigma and negative connotation towards this subject.

During my time playing poker I have degen'd off my bankroll more times than I'd like to admit. This would happen whilst playing raging, intoxicated, or blacked out. When you awake to your computer screen turned on, Poker client open, Bankroll reading $0, and don't recall signing in to play the night before you may have some life issues to resolve. I've corrected many of these issues, and have overcome a bunch of monkey tilt i used to deal with, but it's always an ongoing journey. No more jumping up to 50nl, then 100nl, then 200nl in the same night to chase losses. I haven't been in that state for over a year now, oh those were fun times. Moving on.

The Plan: To spread love to everybody. To crush everybody. Simple enough.
-I will be 3 tabling 25nlz until I feel confident enough and am rolled for 50nlz.
-I will be spending my time: 2/3 play, 1/3 study. I will spend 3 hours a day on poker, 5/7 days a week for the first week, and expand from there.
-I will be focusing on quality of poker, and quality of life right now hence the lack of hours. I need balance in my life, which includes an appropriate amount of time dedicated to every aspect of my life.
-I will post daily graph + daily hands.
-I will refrain from playing 50nlz+ no matter what.

Graphs:

16nlz - This stake was dope, and I sometime wonder why I don't just drop down and build a roll there.



25nlz - This stake fkn blows. Not really, but my results have. I've been playing a lot of B and C game poker here. Also have been running like shiet and tilting because of it. Currently on a fun down-swing, let's turn that around. I understand the massive implications that variance has on this game and I plan on using this thread to become more friendly with this ***** named variance. I love you variance.. I'm trying.



50nlz - This stake I play whilst drunk, or severely tilted : D - fk off for now 50nlz.



Pokerstars Bankroll : $1100

Weekly Goals: - Keep it simple for now
[ ] Play 2 hours - 5 days
[ ] Study 1 hour - 5 days
[ ] Only play 25nlz
[ ] Happy with my overall life balance

Alright, well, that's that. I've been wanting to start this blog for awhile. I enjoy reading many of your blogs, and enjoy writing, so it was time.

For those of you reading along, Hi Nice to have any and all of you here, please feel free to question, comment, share advice, post funny pics, whatever it is that you wanna do.

the reverse red/blueline in comparison to the other graphs from nl50 LOL
gl op! go get it

Sounds fun to follow, good luck!

You should also learn to tilt the right way. Instead of moving up stakes and/or spewing money on gambol as a result of tilt, study aggressively. Learn to redirect your emotions to create a good outcome.

Sent from my SM-N900T using Tapatalk

glgl

Subbed. I know what it's like to deal with mental health problems and have them impact your poker journey. Best of luck to you!

Yess, my inner redline warrior comes out to play a little to hard. Thanks man
Thanks for the words. Am currently putting them into action and hitting the study right now after that mess of a session.
Yo Runit, Thank you sir
Yeah they're not always the greatest combination. Thanks mang

Alright, 1st update, and it's a fun one, nawt. Let the downswing keep spiraling. Some bad variance today, and some C-game play. Will keep my play and routine the same for this week, and we'll see where we're at and if some adjustments are needed come the end of the week. I've also noticed when I begin playing my C-game I start becoming a stupid 'reverse' player. I hate those players, why would I ever do that? I'll make a note of this and begin to be more aware of where my head is at when I start doing so.



Hands will be spots that put me in a place of confusion. With the occasional fun hand.. like such

Hand #1) Today's missclick, not that it will matter that often, but every once inawhile Villain will have AK and be calling off. I wasn't inducing, I guess I somehow missed the slider was all the way to the wrong side.. C-game



Hand #2) Vs. an agro reg with a good-sized 3bet range. This feels like it should be a raise on turn given that if he has AJ, AA, he should be trying to get stacks in and not betting small. We have much more Jx in our range+77, and river equity if he happens to have some kinda Jx. Idunno, that's why it's posted here.



Hand #3) Vs. Agro fish. I'm not sure if this line is standard in this spot... i find it hard to imagine we can fold at some point, but maybe we can?



Hand #4) Warning: this hand is ugly, and stupidly called off when Villain can never have bluffs. Posting to remind myself to think twice when any Villain at this stake makes a big raise. Also, does anybody prefer a turn bet instead of check?



Not that many interesting spots today, just bad play and variance.

Well this has been fun, time to study then chill, then sleep, then win tomorrow? Yes please,
goodnight errybody

PS: if anyone has a permanent A-game activator, please, let me know

Hola, back for day 2.

After yesterdays session I went over a few areas of the database to see if anything looked out of whack. I'm losing quite a bit out of the CO (over the last 20k hands) which I'm almost certain is variance because I've never been negative out of that position and haven't changed anything in my game. Also need to improve my BB play, so will be spending my time studying that tonight.

Played some A game poker today, but not throughout. Felt my quality of play slipping during the last bit of the session. Also variance seemed better than yesterday and pretty standard overall today. A couple coolers going both ways.

The daily Giraffe is a little friendlier today. Zoom swings are pretty gnarly


Hand #1) vs. a strong reg, maybe could make an argument for flatting, but the UTG reg who we're worried about isn't tight so he's not necessarily weighted towards nutted hands. When we hold As it's unlikely villain has FD, so he's weighted towards made hands. Question is, should we barrel this turn?


Hand #2) vs. Unknown. Wasn't sure what to put Villain on when he bet 2 streets so small, felt strange and I thought we were ahead on the turn.


Hand #3) I would play AK exactly the same.


Goina chill and watch some basketball meow, get some Vietnamese food to snack on, and then hit the BB studying.

Really fkn disappointed in myself. I dislike starting today's post in that negative manner, but I'd rather be honest with myself and learn which areas I need to improve on. I continue to struggle with chasing losses and entitlement issues when it comes to this game, and it makes no logical sense. I know that this game is just 1 long session, i just don't know how to wrap my head around this concept so I can implement it, instead of just 'know' it. I've read Jared Tendler's MGOP twice, I've listened to some of Tommy Angelo's content, yet I struggle SO much with the Mental Game, it's demoralizing. I feel held back, but don't know what to do. The amount of money I've legit just blown in this game... No reason to get down on myself, I've got to find a more effective way to learn from my mistakes though.

Positive notes: Yesterday I took the day off playing, but did some study on BB play. I was already pretty happy with my defense range, so the primary adjustments were postflop, looking at x/raising spots with regards to which boards are good for our range.

This graph resembles some baby trying to walk for the first time, thinking it's going great, then shortly after falling on his face.


Hands #1) These gifts are nice tho. This is now the 3rd time in less than 50k hands that I've made quads against top boat.. easy game


Hand #2) 1 more hand of confusion before the good stuff. Vs. average reg. We should have 4bet pre a little bigger. My plan on the turn was to x/shove over any bet, but I wasn't given that opportunity. Other than that, thoughts?


Hand #3) The hand that started it all.. Vs. 1-tabling fish. Felt like he could have any FD, or wheel draw, or Qx.


Hand #4) Here comes the tilt. I think we should be shutting down and x/folding this spot.


Hand #5) Vs. average reg. I like this hand better, than the previous one, but it's a bad river call. I'm okay with 4betting vs an active SB 3bettor, and like my line up until the river call. I tank called putting him on exactly AK, but I don't think he'll float flop with that hand.


Well that is all for today. Less tilting to come tomorrow. Study time meow, goina continue with the BB work.

Come say hi, come review a hand or two or all of them.
Take it sleazy,
N' I'm out.

Hello,

Am back to wrap up this week. I didn't update the past few days because I've been struggling with my personal demons, which have been filling my head with un-enjoyable inner-commentary. The snow keeps falling, the roads are glistening, and my tires are spinning. I got into a minor car crash that shook my confidence, which continues to waver. Confidence, Vitality, Enjoyment - those which used to be so abundant in my life have seemingly vanished over the past few years.

I played on a more lenient schedule over the weekend, and put in some extra hours on the table. I avoided studying the past, which I'll need to change for next week. I'll do this by only studying for 30 mins, but make sure I'm doing it daily.

The start of the week went well life wise, not so much poker wise. The end of the week went well poker wise, not so much life wise. I've been working on a few musical pieces which are coming along nicely. Goina spend the remainder of the evening on that to try and ease my mind.

Weekly Goals: - Keep it simple for now
[X] Play 2 hours - 5 days
[ ] Study 1 hour - 5 days - - - (neglected this during past few days)
[X] Only play 25nlz - - - Happy with this, will continue to keep this to hold myself accountable
[ ] Happy with my overall life balance - - - Haven't been able to get enough exercise. Also with the car accident I let my mindset and balance slip.

Weekly Graph: Not a whole lot to say, variance jumped onto my side at the end of the week. Quality of play wavered throughout the week.


I'll be back tomorrow with next weeks plan,
Goodnight

Hey thur,

Things haven't been great in my life lately and it becomes difficult to share when such is the case. I haven't been responsible in terms of taking care of myself and my mindset has suffered as a result. I don't feel like getting into it now, but if you have any questions regarding the situation feel free to ask away.

As for poker, things have been negative on that front as well. Can't catch a break. When my life is going well, poker does too. When my life is scattered, poker is too.

I've been playing in negative mindsets, whilst tired, and with entitlement tilt. I know that these aren't a recipe for success. I'll be putting less pressure on myself to play, and more pressure on myself to study. As UpDog stated, I feel like putting my emotion into studying instead of playing is going to be more productive. That is my weekly goal.

[ ] - no playing when we're not in the right headspace
[ ] - studying 5/7 days this week

Volume will likely suffer, but I have a feeling that if I can follow these two steps profits will greatly rise.

[ ] - get balance back into my life (this is important to me and hasn't been the case since the driving accident)

Weekly Graph - Much tilt, much spew, much not improving. Soon to change.


Crazy hand #1) At the time I recall thinking he isn't shoving turn with a set or a flush. I figured he's weighted towards pairs, or quite a few floats with a big ... If i played this hand again I would have shoved turn myself. Maybe even x/fold flop, but I prefer to bet my range here.



I doubt I'll be doing daily updates, but I'll be back at the end of the week to update on where things are at.

Hope the tables have been treating you better,

Glgl, wishing you the best.

Thanks for the support mang

Yo,

Really feeling the pain today, and don't know what to do about my situation. Just finished playing a session, where it started off going well, and descended into oblivion. It's these fkn 100 hand stretches where I lose 4 buy ins that cause me to rage. I'm so pissed off at poker right now.. Pissed off at my quality of play, pissed off at variance, and pissed off that I certainly don't feel like I'm making any progress with this game. All that being said, this game consumes my thoughts, and I want very badly to succeed. Maybe looking into a coach/poker mentor could be beneficial for me. Maybe giving up poker could be beneficial to me.

I've been in this exact state of mind more times than I can count. The difference is now that when the rage starts to set in I get off the tables, instead of moving up stakes and blowing up my bankroll.

I've felt so fkn stuck both in life and in poker, and continue to feel those emotions. I've become fearful of life, and cannot seem to succeed at anything, where I previously used to be so confident in every area.

As of lately I don't enjoy anything in life. This has been the case off and on for some years now. I haven't been able to find any pleasure in that which used to fill me up with joy. Essentially all the daily activities I partake in are things I used to love, but now do merely because I've been told by therapists I need to take action. I've lost all enjoyment in my friends, my hobbies, my responsibilities.. I just feel like a zombie going through the actions.

I don't know what to do, just feel so fkn lost. I used to get angry, very angry, but now I just become numb and depression sinks in. I'm no longer the Ego-maniac that I was years ago, but I almost feel like my life was better when I was living in a state of ignorance and believing that the world revolved around me myself and I.

If anyone is reading this, thanks for sticking around and listening. This should probably be posted in a mental health forum, but I feel it relates enough to my poker situation to post here.

gl to you

following

You should try reading, mental game of poker and make notes of it and study those notes. Its really helpful for people like us with a messed up head !

Hey dudes, thanks for the support. Welcome
True, there are some great lessons in there that I clearly haven't absorbed. I will go back through it again, but this time taking more notes.

Yo homies,

It's been a while since my last post, time for an update. I've made some changes since my last post. I'll touch on the poker side of things first, then share some personal experiences I've been dealing with for those interested.

Poker

I've spent a lot of time thinking about how I want to approach poker and what I want from it. It's actually quite similar as to how I want to live my life, and they are both suffering in part due to a lack of responsibility. When it comes to this game, when it comes to life, I plan on achieving mastery. What mastery means to me is reaching ones full potential in any given discipline. I am NO WHERE near this state in either of my endeavors, but I am taking action in order to get there.

I am currently still playing 25nlz and from a technical strategy standpoint I feel like I crush these games. I used to think players at this stake were good, but I now realize they're all just NITS who only GII with the nuts as PFC and play very predictably as PFR. My strategy still has some pretty serious leaks, but that's not what's causing me stagnation at 25nlz. The mental game is. I'm so sick of losing money to tilt, it's so foolish and kills my confidence.

After that last post i took a few days completely away from poker. It allowed me to look objectively at where I'm at and what I need to improve on. I'm grateful to be in a position where I don't rely on an income from poker, because if that were the case taking such actions would not be as easy. During the days off I realized how foolishly I was approaching certain areas. With the type of mind I have I need to take extra care in my time off of the tables. Pre-game routines, and post-play reviews are huge for me, and my play improves drastically when I'm taking these actions. I finished off the month strong after implementing said actions during my last 2 sessions. Altho the sample is irrelevant, I'm more concerned with how I felt while I played. I'll continue to do everything in my wheelhouse to focus on quality of play instead of results.

Graph since the beginning of the challenge. Zoom has some gnarly swings, but this is to much inconsistency. We want the Cumicon graph, not these mimic'd ECG results.


Life n' Isht

I've always struggled with my mind since I was a child. I'd over-analyze and overthink most everything which resulted in me being frequently trapped in my head. This became unbearable at many points in my life, but would typically subside after a couple days-weeks to a level where I could function again. In roughly 2014 these thoughts began to become ruthless and consumed me to the point where I became quite frightened with my own mind. The nature of these thoughts revolved around my beliefs and opinions and they left me feeling very trapped.

I've become very fearful as a result and many areas of my life have fallen apart. It sucks when you struggle in areas where most people don't have to think twice about. I understand that fears are almost always irrational. They're difficult to overcome, but there is really nothing stopping you from doing so other than yourself and the belief systems you've created. I've begun to push through in areas which I used to succumb to. One example is sleep.

Sleep has been a constant area of pain for me since I was young. My brain needs to be next-to-completely depleted before it allows itself to shut off. Relaxing doesn't come easy to me. After years of trying what seemed like everything I began to give up and figured I'd never have sleep nor energy in my life. Deep down I knew this couldn't be the case though, and was proven so to me when I finally found Sleep Restriction Therapy. After going through this process I actually began getting real sleep for what seemed like the first time in my life. This, however, has slipped away from me, and I need to begin implementing it again. The process isn't easy though. For myself, it requires me to limit the amount of time I spend in bed to 5 hours a night max. This along with no napping during the day begins to take it's toll on me pretty quickly. Anyone who's experienced sleep deprivation knows the sensations you experience are pretty trippy, and usually un-pleasant. That being said, when I implement this strategy I'm actually able to get restful sleep after roughly 2 weeks of doing so. At which point I can begin increasing the increments of time spent in bed until I can get my ~8 hours whilst still falling asleep, sleeping through the night, and waking up effectively. When I get sleep deprived, my mind gets uncomfortable. I have to learn to embrace this feeling though because it is the only way to concur it.

I will practice taking joy in my suffering. This isn't easy, but for me this is the only way. I will accept that I have weaknesses, but I will fight through each and every one of them until they have flipped into strengths. "Feel it. The thing that you don't want to feel. Feel it. And be free."

I'm currently on day 5 of less than 5hours of sleep per night and I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it, but I'm embracing it. December will be a good month, the suffering will continue, the growth will continue, and I know the results will begin to show up.

To those following, I appreciate you joining me on this journey. More updates to come soon, Good luck on the tables & an enjoyable December to you.