Quote:
Originally Posted by TreadLightly
Enjoying the updates, keep it up and gl with continued success
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brokenstars
im in, gl op
Thx guys. Today was really rough, I only played for a short time and dropped like 12 bi. Now i'm off to malta, I might play less than I anticipated. I'll see how I feel.
I was doing some reflection the other night and typed some thoughts up on my phone
-------------
Disassociation.
It’s a word with a strong connotation— it comes with serious emotional consequences whenever it’s used.
Well in my daily life I have a great deal of distance between myself and what I engage in. I live with disassociation as a shadow that casts its shade on all my interactions.. Especially whenever I experience loss or attachment. Although I feel worse when it colors my feelings of the latter because I long for intimacy and closeness while feelings of loss are an ever present constant stemming from my work. I haven't yet learned how to completely negate my emotional response to losing sessions but after hundreds of them my ability to interact with my feelings has been plugged.
I’ve burned out that sector of my emotional availability. It worries me because the end result mirrors sociopathic tendencies from an external perspective, however I’m certain that particular affliction doesn’t trouble me.
Another dimension of the issue is that I don’t know what to value, how to be, or how to feel. So for instance when I lose someone important to me I have no barometer for gauging my reaction to the separation. I know it’s bad but how bad? Is this kind of bad something to simply be endured, internalized and set aside? My journey of accepting stoicism into my world view has tainted me in that I just accept events as they are. Significant life events. Events that other people would cry about or have heartbreak from. And I just take it on the chin briefly and move on.
Okay, she’s not in my life anymore. I shed a tear or three in the moment but shortly afterwards I’m totally reset. Consciously at peace with it but I can’t tell if it’s a lie I’m trying to convince myself of, or worse, if it disturbs my subconscious and I’ll have downward trending mood swings in the days to come because of unresolved emotional knots.
It's entirely possible that the consistent presence of partners in my life has made me value them less, exchangeable commutable replaceable since they're just a swipe away. I want to become better at appreciating the people in my life. I've made an effort to adjust my diction when I talk to my friends to convey that but I'm not sure I've even entirely convinced myself of it.
I'm still trying to work through these feelings.. expand the amplitude of my emotional swings to make myself feel like I did when I was younger before I ever experienced depression or emotional trauma or significant loss in life. Now I'm 'healthy' but I can't help but feel that while pursuing my restoration process I didn't go far enough and stopped when my emotional situation was 'good enough' to move on to attending to other things in life. I don't know if as life goes on you just change and quietly live with the scars of your past and that people just ignore them or don't acknowledge them or hide them away from other people. It's really hard to see past some people's masks. I was catching up with a good friend of mine that I used to date years ago and she mentioned a really hideous reason for wanting to date me at the time, something I hadn't known even for years afterwards. That she dated me because she liked how it made her be perceived by other people, moreso than how she felt about me herself. That's wicked in my book. I'm still friends with her and support her on her journey but damn am I appreciative that she turned me down later on when I suggested getting back together because that is dodging one hell of a bullet.
I have all the money in the world now relative to my life expenses so maybe I should look into going back to therapy. Maybe when I'm in America I'll reach out to the lady I used to speak with. Actually I think that's a really good idea. On paper life is great for me. I have a few issues in the dating world with women not accepting poker as a profession and my fitness isn't what it used to be but otherwise I'm cruising along. The only real issues I have with myself and the life I'm living are deeper down imperfections on my subconscious/my lens for interpreting & interacting with the world and not presently leaving the world a better place than I found it. For the desire to help other people maybe I'll wait until I'm able to help on a larger scale later in life, a la the thrust of effective altruism. For now I think I ought to work on fixing myself or at least trying to evaluate myself in the light to figure out what path to proceed down for personal reconciliation.
This is a poker forum and sadly poker seems to be the culprit for a large portion of these issues as I've just described. I'm sure other players can relate to decreasing the amplitude of their emotional swings or feeling detached from everyday tragedies. Feel free to share if you like.
While I'm on the beach this week I'll be reflecting.