Appreciate the feedback guys. I’m very conscientous of not becoming dependent on anti-depressants and am wary of them. I’m not so sure if they will even help but I’ve been taking good, solid steps towards the life that I want for 10 months now and I still feel like I am in a rut. A job could definitely help, but maybe not. I feel like my case isn’t as severe as some other people so if I do decide to take them and they help hopefully it won’t be a permanent thing

As far as the life plans go, I’ve decided to change gears once again. I really want to move to Regina and pursue the next steps in my journey there. I obviously have a sick pad and I would be leaving some friends behind, but as I’ve been mentioning many times I don’t think that Swift and my immediate friend group here is the best environment for me to grow as a person/player. Playing live and doing well and just enjoying myself was well worth the trip and honestly an eye-opener.

What I want to do now is get a job in Regina (which will have more/better opportunities than Swift) and play poker, mostly live, on the side. I obviously have a sick deal on my apartment in Swift but the difference between living costs are actually pretty close between the two cities. Cash games are obviously a much lower variance route than MTTs and I genuinely enjoy the live poker atmosphere. With a job and the poker grind on the side I can hopefully grind up a decent roll in relatively short order and maybe go full-time poker again not too far in the future. I know that cash and MTTs are different but I feel like much of what I’ve been taught about MTTs applies to cash and I think I have a sizable edge at the live tables. I also might have some cash game material to study as well. It will be good to have that format in my repertoire. Not having to rely on a big bink will take a lot of pressure off of me personally and hopefully that will go well.

So I haven’t done anything yet but will be looking into all of that in the next few days. I’ve already talked with my parents and they support me going to Regina and acknowledge there’s not much left in Swift for me. I would still love to be in Calgary/Montreal/Toronto a year from now, but living in Regina on my own will be good. Most of my supports are long distance right now anyways so I can still use them and I’ll have a few friends in the city. I’ll still be close enough to home that I won’t be a Vancouver-level of isolated from my family and I really think it will be a good bridge to prepare for a larger move again in the future. Hopefully I can surround myself with good people there and get the poker journey back on track

Big big BIG day tomorrow, last WCOOP Sunday. Good luck everyone

WCOOP Sunday didn't go great. Thankfully I brought it back from complete disaster by placing third in the $1 Powerfest-100 Mini Tournament. It's honestly not worth a screenshot. I was just pissed that I was one-tabling a tourney with only $200 up top for three hours when I knew I was going to lose money. The $100 I did win definitely lessened the sting though so I'm not gonna be too bitchy about it lol

Powerfest is still going on and I will play a few days for sure. I'm kind of unsure what direction to go in at this point regarding poker though. If I am moving to Regina I will need money to pay for living which means withdrawing from my BR. I'll probably end up nerfing my BR here pretty soon just so my chequing account is ready to go. If I'm playing live I need the money in my chequing account anyways. I've already been playing smaller stakes in general but will probably be even more conservative so that I don't lose a sizable portion of my money. I probably have 4+ months in my BR anyways so I'm not going to end up homeless no matter what I do, but I just want to have a bit of a cushion

Now for the Regina stuff. My brother worked as a clerk for the Government of Canada in Vancouver and I just applied for all of the similar federal positions in Regina as well. It could end up being a full-time job, but if I get nights and weekends off then it will still be dope to be making well above minimum-wage. I was so ready to settle for another minimum-wage job similar to Safeway but it'd be nice to not do that. Hopefully the university degree comes in handy. I'll be sending out many more applications tomorrow and will start looking for a place as well. It'd be great to live on my own but I'm open to living with other people as well. It all depends on living costs. I think I'll need to have a car for commuting to work and also getting to/from the casino. I really don't need to be walking around downtown Regina at 4 AM with hundreds of dollars in my pocket lol

Haven't told my Swift friends yet but I'll break the news tomorrow while we're playing Monopoly. It'll suck and they'll be bummed, but that's life. Things have been different since I left for Vancouver anyways. Even after being in Swift for ten months I am very much a clear fringe member of the group. People change, I guess that's just how it goes. I'll still be around

Anti-depressant development: the last couple of days have been better for me. I think the reason for that is I once again have a clear purpose and goal. Maybe the CFP contract is what was holding me together all of those months lol. I called to ask about getting a prescription but would need to consult my family doctor. Last week I booked a check up and will have it sometime in the new year (first check-up in seven (!!!) years). Since I feel a little better, I think I will wait on asking about medication until then. I will have a job and a clearer idea of whether or not that makes a difference. If I still need help by then, I'll ask. If things get worse before then, I'll ask. I'm okay for now though and maybe that little bit of routine will help get me where I want to be mentally

Thankful I only bought a ten-swim pass to the pool in town instead of a three-month pass. After Powerfest I'm thinking of visiting my grandparents in Manitoba. I haven't been out there for a few years and it'd be nice to spend the time with them while I still can. It'd be nice to be in Regina maybe sometime in early October. Hopefully a job search won't take too long and I can land something decent. I self-identified as aboriginal to try and exploit Government of Canada's hiring processes. Technically I qualify so it isn't unethical, but I gotta tell you... I'm pretty white. We'll see if it pays off

If you’re going to go the Dostoevsky route read Brothers Karamozov. A better novel and not nearly as depressing.

Hey op just stumbled upon your thread... you’re a thoughtful kid, I commend you for writing this blog and reaching out to the community, good things will come from it.

Don’t have a ton of time at the moment but may be able to offer some advice moving forward. Do you know what Nihilism is? It’s a **** philosophy that you’ll probably grow out of but will kill you otherwise. It’s kind of a plague on modern society that has been written about brilliantly (and not so brilliantly) over the centuries that having a better understanding of will help a thoughtful person like yourself. Perhaps you’re not nihilistic, but the little I’ve read from you it seems to pour from the pages... anyway just wanted start with that, also how old are you?

And great job with recognizing that drinking was a bad thing for you. It’s not a good drug for thoughtful people generally and it could absolutely ruin your life. Anyway fire back and I’ll try to keep up.

Hey man, I appreciate the kind words. As far as age and philosophy goes, I’m 22 and I might be a nihilist. I don’t know enough about philosophy to make an informed diagnosis of my perspective, but I am of the mind that everything is kind of pointless/meaningless. Pretty sure that isn’t all nihilism is about but I am well aware of the futility of everything. Which is hard to reconcile with trying to give a **** about life and moving forward lol. I do what I can to inject meaning in my life and forget that other stuff. Cutting out drinking was a big thing for me for sure and I’ve reflected a lot on how it’s been over a year now since the last time I was drunk. Something I am very proud of, and drinking definitely stripped away those barriers keeping my darker thoughts at bay. Never really connected thoughtfulness and alcohol as a bad mix but it makes a lot of sense now that you mention it. Appreciate the comment

The job search is on in Regina now and I’ve started looking for places to live. I’m going to try looking for places downtown. It would be nice to be within short driving distance of the casino for when I leave late at night. Would also be great to have walkability to the gym, groceries, and other stuff I need. Might get a one bedroom or bachelor apartment but I am also open to rooming with people as well. I just really don’t want to live in a ****hole lol. Gonna be in Regina later on this week and hopefully get something finalized soon. I can chill in the city while I wait for jobs to come. Wouldn’t be much different than what I’m doing right now anyways. See ya

So I guess season 2 of American Vandal came out recently and it’s buzzing a bit. I just binged the entire first season tonight and it was actually ****ing amazing. The writing in it was just unreal. I don’t know if I’ve seen better depictions of high school, people, and social media in general and it was so so so funny. Seriously thought-provoking, challenging stuff and intensely entertaining as well. Whenever I wanted to write about serious stuff I would usually go a little overboard and lose the entertainment factor. Art doesn’t need to be fun to be worthwhile, but when something can be fun and innovative and challenging, that is absolutely amazing. Maybe I’m just too hyped right now at 3am, but that show was amazing. You can make a decent bet I’m gonna binge all of season 2 tomorrow. Gotta make sure I get some sleep though. Two hour drive to Regina on Friday and looking at my first potential place at 10am. Very exciting times

Found a place in Regina. As far as costs go, it was one of the more expensive roommate options I went with (although not a crazy amount). Despite that, it was cheaper, safer, and much more luxurious than any solo living arrangement I could have had. I’m not sure what to expect from the roommates, but hopefully it will all be good. I’ll probably keep to myself or be out and about anyways, whether that’s working, reading at the library, watching movies, working out, or playing at the casino. Very exciting. Move-in is October 1st so I have some time between then and now.

I’m probably going to take my BRs offline after this Powerfest Sunday and keep from playing just to preserve what I have. Hopefully I get a desk or office job that pays decently above minimum wage, but no givens. It may take a while to hear back, so I’m going to get some kind of minimum wage gig if nothing materializes shortly. I need a car in the city just to get to and from the casino (I’m not downtown so I need to drive), so my parents were going to transfer the car I’ve been using to me. On top of rent I’ll be on the hook for car insurance payments and possibly other car ****. Definitely more paranoid about getting a flat tire now lol

Sounds like the fam wants to go visit my brother in Vancouver Thanksgiving weekend. I don’t have a ton of friends but I’ll try to see a few. It’s sounding like a big family affair with my sister and grandparents coming along too, plus we’re driving, not flying. After that I will be free to fully pursue the next step in this journey.

In unrelated news, I got back in Swift around 9. I was tired af, in my bed, not really planning on doing anything. Then my friend called me, invited me over to his place where some people were drinking, and he asked me to DD. I am always, always down to DD and chill so I went over. It was a small group and we were having fun and we were finally leaving to go to the bars when my friend and his girlfriend got tangled up on the stairs and he apparently fell down them. I didn’t see it but he was fine. It was honestly, seriously nothing

But my friend started bitching about his back. Now he felt like he was going to throw up. Ah **** the bars, he doesn’t want to go anymore. He was being a crybaby ***** about this thing for no reason, and his girlfriend has super low-esteem. He was very obviously blaming her and getting mad at her for a minor, drunken thing that was nothing, and she crumbled. We did go to the bars with my friend bitching the whole drive over about how he felt like throwing up and me telling him to open his door if he was going to (he didn’t have to, of course). We stand in the bar for twenty seconds, he exclaims that it is dead as **** (by Swift standards it was lively), and makes us all leave. The entire time his girlfriend is dead quiet and he keeps coercing her to come along. At some point she starts crying and they start talking and us other three guys can literally do nothing. The night is just completely ruined. We go back to my friends place where him and his girlfriend talk in their bedroom for a half hour alone before I drove the other guys home.

It was hard to watch. It infuriated me. My friend blew this small thing completely out of proportion and whined until he ruined everyone else’s night. What made me mad was how he treated his girlfriend. She is a nice girl, she is a good person, she is fragile. In a lot of ways she reminds me of my ex. I was always on eggshells with her, trying not to set her off, doing my best to defuse her when I did. My friend went the completely opposite approach. He blamed his girlfriend for everything, ruined everyone else’s night on his own, and convinced her it was her fault. That’s not okay. That is a ****ty thing to do. Having an idea of what his girlfriend is like, watching that was complete bull****. The next time I see him, I’m saying something. This is not the only ****ty thing he’s done, not by far, but he took it out on his girlfriend in front of us for no reason and I’m going to tell him he was a ***** and that was a ****ty thing to do. Like I said, he is a negative influence on me. Has been for a while. It’s good that I chose now to leave. I think Swift has lived out it’s usefulness for me

So I didn't play at all this past week. Obviously I had some Regina obligations and it was important I looked for jobs and a place to live, but I could have played this Sunday. Last night I just couldn't sleep and I felt completely unmotivated and at a certain point I just turned off the alarm I had set and chose not to play. Powerfest/WCOOP was thus pretty lousy. I didn't lose a lot of money, but I sure as **** didn't make any. Maybe played five or six days tops. Pretty piss poor effort, but what's done is done. I've started the process of taking my money offline so will be getting off of the online grind now. I don't have an unlimited amount of money so I think my first priority is finding a job in Regina. Once I have a job, I can start playing live. Once I have more money, I can put some back online to play the Sundays I can or any other days I feel like playing some MTTs. For now though the MTT grind is finished. The next big poker event in my calendar is the Casino Regina poker tourney week, not sure what they call it. First or second week of November there's tourneys running for an entire week. I don't think I can afford to play any of them, but I definitely need to grind the cash hard.

So those are the poker happenings. I basically have a week to kill until I move to Regina. Not sure what to do but I'll figure it out. Surprise surprise, I still have that project for my (ex) coach I should still do. I've already received partial payment so I'd be a real **** if I didn't finish it. A week should be more than enough time to finish it. I'll be in Vancouver in a week and a half too for Canadian Thanksgiving. I know I haven't written anything since I graduated but it'd be nice to polish the outline of my poker pilot before I get there. I'm meeting up with my screenwriting friend and it'd be nice to talk about screenwriting while I'm there.

A quick note. I realize that I talk about wanting to do a lot of different stuff and more often than not I underdeliver. When I think about the poker journey, I was a man on a mission basically from December to end of SCOOP. It wasn't always consistent growth, but I grew so much and really proved I could do this. Ever since I came back from Vancouver though I've been off and it has derailed me at multiple points. It's completely nerfed my motivation and my studying/volume has suffered as a result. It still feels like I'm moving forward, but I also feel like poker growth has stalled. I don't want to be the person that talks about the potential I have only to never achieve it. A year from now I don't want to be talking about how I want to be a poker player or how I want to be writer. I want to actually BE something. I still feel like I'm on the right path, but I can't just let depression and lack of motivation stop me the way I have. I won't get very far in life if I keep doing that.

So yeah. Once I get to Regina I'll have a few days until I get to come back to Swift for the Vancouver roadie with the fam. I need to figure out what I want to do for fitness. Gyms are expensive af but I think I need to get a membership. I weighed myself a few days ago and even though I'm in better shape and feel stronger, I was still more or less the same weight. Maybe that's because I've put on muscle but I do actually want to get skinnier. Swimming isn't cutting it alone.

Hopefully I can get some **** done in the next stretch here. Good luck everyone

Nothing crazy to report, just finalizing some stuff for the move. Was up till 5am yesterday so I went a little weird on my Twitter and Instagram. Changed both profile pics for the first time in well over a year, made a record-low like post on Insta. Sick social media day. It's mostly of note because my ex messaged me about Insta because she saw I got rid of the pics we had together (I did that a few weeks ago). We talked a bit and I guess we're meeting up when I'm in Vancouver. She asked if we could go get coffee but then corrected herself to getting a pop, so she knows me pretty well.

I don't think I have the capability to be friends with her because of all the **** that happened. We tried that for a while and one of us always caved. I'm not interested in that but it would still be nice to see her and talk. Last time we saw each other didn't go so well and it'd be nice to not have that as a final memory lol. I still care about her a bit but I respect people that just totally cut themselves off from old flames. One of my friends just had an ex visit her from out-of-state for a weekend because now that they're broken up she wants to be good friends with him but it was still sad because it's just weird. I won't go to that extreme, but I can handle a Pepsi for sure.

Finding love is a pretty low priority for me still. I think it goes mental health - fitness - poker - social life - romance. Romance is a distant fifth in this scenario. I'm not resisting finding someone new but I'm not actively pursuing it. Maybe things will be different in Regina though. Talked to a cute chick at the library when I was up there on Friday and I'm seriously regretting not having library-themed pickup lines. That seems like a good place to pick up girls more my speed. Maybe I can reel one in this year lol. See ya

Also, just ordered myself both Mental Game of Poker books. I never did finish reading the first one but now I’m free to go willy-nilly with the highlighter or the pencil or whatever I want. I know there’s a tilt quiz at the end I can fill out too. Even though I never read everything, I could tell that the first book was legit and I know my mental game still needs work. Lack of motivation has been my biggest life and poker leak and I look forward to reading those sections again soon

Just finished reading this thread start to finish today. Thanks so much for your honesty, OP. As someone who has battled the darkness of depression and been close to giving up a few times, I can empathize with your struggles. Keep moving forward, and good luck on your move and your poker journey. I think playing live will be a nice move for you.

Thanks man, I appreciate the kind words and hope you are doing well. Tbh I was always planning on being anonymous so I probably wouldn’t have been so open had I known at the start I wouldn’t be. The thread has been great for me personally though and I’m glad you and others have responded to it. Might sound kinda silly, but it makes me optimistic for some of the screenwriting projects I have collecting dust, especially my TV show. I’ve basically embarked on a similar journey I envisioned for the protag, using poker to find meaning in life. It’s hilarious because it feels like a lot of the stories I wrote have come true in my own life within the last year, writing my life out before I knew what would happen. I really do need to finish that pilot lol

Haven’t done anything this week, just laying around. No swimming and I’ve had a ****ty eating week. I’ve had pizza a few times and other garbage. No excuses on my end. It’s something I shouldn’t be doing and I know better, but I’ve done it anyways. As long as I get back on the horse soon it won’t be a problem, I’m allowed to slip up. Life kind of feels like it’s on hold for the next two weeks until after Vancouver and I’m fully relocated in Regina. Can’t do this trash forever, need to get my act together. Hopefully I get back on track soon

So I'm looking for some new wallpapers on my phone. My go to is usually a scenic picture, and I got a sick one for my lock screen that I love. I have so many photos I love or that I find meaningful, but they look terrible when made to be a wallpaper. Still testing out photos for my home screen, but I came across some pictures from the night I walked across the bridges. Bummer night, but I like this pic. I'm no photographer as you can tell, but just wanted to share. Goodnight, sleep tight

Life is never on hold, use the time you have now to get where you wanna be tomorrow, working on your goals this two weeks instead of procrastinating is gonna make you feel better. Glgl

Legitimately have not read this message until five minutes ago. Sorry to hear about your friend but I appreciate the kind words, good luck at the tables!

Exactly, fully intend on doing some positive things here. I wish I was on your wavelength when it comes to drive tho. There are people that feel compelled to work and do things every single day because they feel bad doing nothing. I just don’t have that in my composition. I could do nothing for a very very long time and be okay with it. Maybe that’s a genetic thing, maybe I was too spoiled as a kid, maybe it’s a bit of both. I’m not saying you’re that kind of person, but I wish I had that gene inside of me that pushes me to push myself every day. I have to push myself to make the effort push myself. Serious life leaks I need to work on in the future

Heyo. Today I spent applying for more jobs and taking in some good art. Not the most productive, but I feel as though I've accomplished some things today. Just posting this because I think I need to have a better grasp on my personal finances - how to budget, how to save, how to grow it. I know there is so much advice out there but does anyone have any good financial book suggestions? I don't know much about money so I'm open to learning everything. Thankfully I'm not in debt so I don't have to worry about that, but budgeting and saving are two things I really want to understand more about. Any suggestions on those two topics, let me know

** also, haven't done anything yet but my mom is hooking me up with a membership to the Saskatchewan writer's guild which is cool, hopefully I can use that as an opportunity to meet some like-minded people in Regina. Had the idea to make the short film I did into a web series, basically little 5-10 minute sketches. If I get back into writing I don't need to start with a motion picture, a few short films ideas could be nice. Gotta get started tho, kicking around some ideas in my head but I actually gotta write it out first lol **

I don't have a whole lot going on at the moment and won't be doing much tomorrow so I think I'm going to play some poker. I've taken my money off of 888 and Stars but still have my money on Party, so I'll sign up for my two or three tournaments per hour and just have some fun with that. Won't be high volume, might not be super exciting, but it's probably better than just packing for my move on Monday. Still need to do that, but it won't take that long. So good luck on the felt tomorrow, time to catch some sleep and maybe I can have a sick day on the tables

3 AM and I am nowhere close to falling asleep. No Sunday Funday for me I think, just time to focus on packing and getting ready for the move. I still have the sleep book and I think that needs to be a priority read for me during my trip to Vancouver

****, just spent 20 minutes writing a quality post only to have my internet **** up and lose the whole thing. I just had a ****ed up dream where my brother killed me and I actually started yelling his name in my sleep. Just yelled his name three times at 4 AM in my empty, packed up apartment. I know I’ve talked in my sleep before, usually when I was stressed out, but no yelling like that. That was a weird one is all I’ll say

Me and Dad are moving my stuff up to Regina tomorrow in two separate cars, have an alarm for two hours from now. My bro is flying in which I guess is why I was dreaming about him. He hasn’t been home since summer 2017 and will need a car so i’m coming straight back to Swift once I’m moved in. Will chill at the lake for a few days, Vancouver roadie on Thursday, back in Regina a week and a half from now and finally ready to get this next step started

This is now the fourth time I’ve moved in the last 10 months. Always stressful and annoying. I’m glad I’m moving into a semi-furnished basement room so I can leave some of this unnecessary, bulky stuff behind (bed, tv, couches, dishes, etc). If I’m going to have a cheap, semi-nomadic lifestyle, the less stuff I have the better. A year and a half ago my dad tried to buy me a $2k couch in Vancouver. He said it was something for me to build from. Obviously I talked him out of that, having a $2000 couch straight after graduation is just insanity. I wasn’t even sure I was staying in the city to write, so we all know how that turned out. I am very, very glad my life isn’t being ruled by material things and the desire to obtain them. Also very glad I’m doing life my own way and not just racing to tick off a pre-ordained list of stuff (career/car/house/family/etc) just to try and be happy and fulfill the generic idea of what society expects from us. As long as I prioritize my personal well-being, follow my passions, and begin working hard again, I will figure out the rest when I’m ready for them. Goodnight!

Hello hello. This is my update before the beginning of tomorrow’s 16-hour, 2-day roadie back home from Vancouver. My sister and her boyfriend are both snoring in the room we are sharing, I’m chilling on an air mattress on the floor. I’ve been the last one asleep in the house several times now. My parents, grandparents (2), sister, and sister’s boyfriend have all been in a BnB house with me since Friday night, with my Vancouver-based brother and his girlfriend popping in a few times. I tried to pack in my friends and save enough quality time for my family while I’ve been here. Good thing I have almost no friends in this city lol

Friday night I saw my ex. This is the first time we saw each other since that November night. We’ve had some in-depth convos in recent months but several were when she was drunk I think lol. She kicked off the evening by picking me up an hour and a half after our agreed upon time. That’s something that has set me off in the past, revolving around the idea that my time is supposed to mean something and it therefore sucks to get pushed back or just ignored completely. I know she didn’t mean anything by it, and she had a legit excuse, but it still set me on edge before I even set foot in her car.

We had a really good time though and a really, really good conversation. Compared to where I was last November, I am so much more aware of my mental spaces and I am so much stronger. She has had her own struggles and we were able to be open and honest with each other and talk about **** that happened and each other’s lives. She got into university after me and hence the creative writing program after me, so we are still a part of the same world but on very different paths.

We were very much opposites attract. I saw my Vancouver-friend that’s been helping me along on Saturday. The two of then have had some classes together this year and have gotten to know each other. The first thing I asked was, “Now that you know her is it weird thinking we used to date?” and she immediately answered, “Yes.” When we met I was quiet and shy and didn’t even swear in front of other people. My ex has always been completely open and loud and doing her own thing. We’ve always been able to make each other laugh though. It’s easy to fall in love with someone you like talking to. I was never shy around her

Our conversation was pretty heavy and we talked about my journey and my mental health in addition to some of her own stuff. It was emotional for sure, but there was no breakdown. It was a good, healthy conversation between two people that have grown a lot. When I got dropped off she began talking about us needing to hang out the next time we’re in the same city, but I had to stop her. The words I used were that “I have too many scars.” It’s one of those things where I will always be emotionally on edge around her and we’ll never be able to just be normal friends. I know that she completely understood and I know that we are still friendly and we can support each other going forward. She just can’t be a huge part of my life because she can’t be. I’m glad we’re on the same page though and I’m very, very glad we met up. November was a terrible final memory to have of her. I don’t know how often or if our paths will cross in the future, but I feel like we left off on a positive note which I am so grateful for

My mom knew I was going to see her and I know that she thought it was a bad idea. I told the rest of my fam I was just seeing a friend but my brother asked me how she was the next day so Mom clearly told everyone. My mom was worried seeing her would set me off like in November. When I think back, although my ex contributed to that night she was not the main factor behind ending up at the beach. All of that **** was about a lot more than just a bad breakup

Other things happened but that was the big personal thing of note. I was able to take some pictures around the city the last couple of days and I’ll share a few once I get back to my computer. I don’t know when I’ll be back in Vancouver again. I don’t love it here, but I don’t hate it like I used to, and I’m thankful for that.

I’ll be in Regina three days from now, the job search continues. Not sure what I will do but my birthday is coming up. I’ll probably spend it playing poker. Hopefully I don’t lose money or that would make for a sad, lonely birthday lol. See ya

Less than an hour from Swift, road trip basically complete. Most of it was spent staring out the window and catching up on Spittin Chiclets (not a big deaaal). I have the blu-ray for Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri due at the library tomorrow. Plan is to watch it, return, and burn rubber to Regina. Then the rest begins.

Poker has obviously not been going great and I’ve lost a ton of positive momentum that I had several months ago. A new environment and continued effort to better myself on the felt and off will hopefully translate into more success. Other than my bday, I’ll probably avoid the poker tables until I get that job. I think there are things I can focus on doing in the meantime.

1. Finish project for coach
2. Get a gym membership/workout routine going again
3. STUDY!!!!!

This is a doable list: three items only!

First one is self-explanatory. I know my coach gave me some wiggle room but it’s time to come through. I’ve had plenty of time to sort out my personal situation and get restarted, so I need to finish that first and foremost.

I have been off the rails last two weeks regarding fitness and eating. I’ve been around my family too much and not showing the restraint I had. I need to get set-up for future success on that front once I get into Regina. Swimming alone wasn’t cutting it so I’ll have to find a way to get weights into the routine as well. That should help me lose weight a lot faster. Not saying it will help, but living in a house with other people will hopefully subtly push me to curb my bad eating habits. The least I can do is stop crushing multiple pops a day.

Third one is also self-explanatory. I’ve done no studying for two months now. First month I was depressed and unsure of what I was doing. The last three weeks or so has been Vancouver and Regina related business. Once I’m back in the city though I can settle down. I’m lucky to have access to a cash game course that I want to crush. I feel like most concepts I was learning will translate pretty well anyways, and hopefully I will be back on the felt soon.

Gonna drop some pics later tonight, see ya in a bit

Some pics from the trip! That huge, sheer-faced rock is Mount Yamnuska, located between Calgary and Canmore. It's the mountain I hiked on with my friends this summer and had a subsequent meltdown on. Good times!



My ex and I grabbed a donut at Duffin's on Friday. I took this pic about a year and a half ago though. Flipped out when I saw an almost identical shot in the movie The Edge of Seventeen. A friend (acquaintance?) of mine got me to stop there while I was DD'ing her back home. We talked for a bit, I opened up a bit. Several weeks later when I brought up that night she had literally no recollection. Haven't talked to her much since lol



I've checked off most of my Vancouver "To-Do" boxes already but finally squeezed in a ride on the SeaBus to North Van. Took a pic of a Chinese mother recording her husband and son looking out the window together. It was very cute.



Here a kid is getting his mom to take an artsy picture of him at Lonsdale Quay. It was not as cute lol



An unobstructed view of Downtown Vancouver as seen from North Van.



Took my fam on the scenic route after leaving UBC for the best view in Vancouver: Spanish Banks. This is a few hundred metres down from my November meltdown spot. It looks better at night but my phone pics didn't do any justice. It's pretty during the daytime too.



Not sure when I'll be back in Vancouver again, but winter is coming in Calgary. For weeks I've been dying to go skating outdoors. I got into it a little bit last winter and I can't wait to lace up the skates and glide around in Regina. Can finally get back to work tomorrow, see ya

The job search continues. I've started hearing back from a few places but nothing yet. I could definitely end up at another minimum wage job for a while. It is what it is. We'll see

Played a seven hour session tonight, in for $240 and out for $596. For the longest time I basically fluctuated from $350-$200, but strung together a few good hands at the end. I didn't get too OOL, just played my boring poker. I forget/can't figure out how to record live hands. Need to figure that out, but this will look like ****! Bare with me lol

$1/$2 NLH

PREFLOP
Six handed, BB hero (~$250 stack)

LJ limps ($150 eff, older guy, limping a lot, wide range). Fold to SB who completes. Hero raises to $15 in BB with AhTd. LJ calls, SB folds.

FLOP
Heads-up. Pot ~$31

Flop is 2c3h4s. We both check.

TURN
Pot ~$31

Turn is 4c. Hero checks, LJ bets $20. Hero Calls

RIVER
Pot ~$71

River is 7d (Board: 2c3h4s4c7d). Hero checks. LJ bets $40. Hero tanks and then calls.

RESULT
[spoiler]
LJ has J9o. Hero wins $150 with AT (A-high)
[spoiler]

Yikes! Hopefully that is somewhat legible. I'll figure out making my own HHs soon. Someone feel free to link a guide for me too lol. Also, feel free to ignore the fact I complete ****ed up the spoiler function. It's late and I must sleep

So pre-flop I raise AT from BB for value vs two loose players. As mentioned, villain has been playing lots of hands. Shortly before he had limp called J8o and bet middle pair 8 on first two streets (made trips on river ). So in my opinion his range is wide, but he will have a large assortment of high-card semi-connected hands.

Flop comes down three to a straight. With my A-high and wheel draw, I check. I think I am good here a lot against his worse A-highs and random overcards. He checks as well.

Turn pairs the four. For the same reasoning I check again and villain bets $20. This doesn't make sense to me. I think he bets whenever he hits flop to protect against overcards and he will also bet with any overpairs to flop. I've also been playing tight and folding a lot so he can definitely be running a bluff on me since he may see me as a pushover. I call.

River is a 7. I check, he bets $40. The same reasoning applies here as well. If he did happen to have A-high, he is probably checking it and hoping to be good. Only hands I see him betting are maybe 7x for value and then all of his bluffs. I take 30 seconds before calling.

And I was right. So life is good, eh?

A guy at the table immediately called it out as a professional call and referred to me as a pro. I guess I'm an unknown quantity here in Regina. Do I have to learn everyone's names at some point?

So that was fun. I'll probably play a bit more while waiting for a job to materialize. I won't get too OOL with my BR though until I know I have a consistent income. Hopefully I just go on a sick heater and can play full-time in the meantime.

Saw my friend going to the university before my session too. We covered the seeming toxicity of the friend group back home (he agrees it was a good idea for me to get out) and we also talked about motivation and such as per usual. He talked about how I should be planning my days to have a rough idea of what to achieve if I am going to be on my own, and that is discipline I have been lacking. He also talked about using fear-setting as motivation. Basically, think of where you could be in six months if you keep doing nothing. Or one year. Or five, or when you're forty. If I keep doing nothing, I will be stuck at Safeway grinding out a minimum wage job whilst recreationally playing poker. I will have accomplished nothing creatively and contributed absolutely nothing to the world. Pretty ****ty to think that could be my future lol. Important to keep that possible future in mind so that I never forget why I need to work as hard as I do. I need to work harder than I am, because I still have many unfulfilled ambitions. I know the last two months have been completely off track, but I'm settled down again and ready to keep going. I think things will turn around

There’s been some very interesting and good developments the past few days. I got a call back for a mail carrier job in Regina, and I think it would be pretty amazing to have. It starts mornings Monday to Friday and lasts anywhere from 3-6 hours depending on business. Basically, I can expect to make $300-$500 a week or $1200-$2000 a month, which covers basically all of my expenses. I can have all nights and weekends free to play poker and just go hard. I think it would be pretty awesome. It’d also be awesome to get more of a full-time gig relevant to creative writing, but this was probably my dream backup option. I’ll keep looking for better stuff but I’m hoping to land this job, I think it’d be great for the poker journey.

I feel as though I’ve been very productive since coming back. I found a gym I can go to near my place and have started eating better again. I think the last time I had a pop was on Friday which is an insane stretch for me, and I hope it’s something I can keep up. I’ve been eating less overall which I think will help with my weightloss, I try to avoid the kitchen when everyone’s home if I can.

The last interesting thing is that I’m actually seeing a movie with a girl from Tinder tomorrow. I don’t even know that I’m looking for anything remotely intimate, but it’ll be nice just to see a movie with someone even if it’s awkward. She seems cool and I’ve never met a person from Tinder in person before, so I guess that’s exciting? I haven’t been on a real date now for well over two years. Like I said, I’m not really looking for anything intimate, but we’ll see what happens I guess! Hopefully I land the job soon and in the meantime I’m gonna keep working on coach’s project (which I’ve finally started back on) and playing poker a few nights during the week. I feel like I’ve been running pretty good, so hopefully I can keep it up

All exciting stuff Looking forward to hearing about the Tinder lady/job developments...