Hello all,
Hope you have all had a wicked Christmas time with family and friends and are ready to try and take on 2022 head on. It has been some time since I have updated this for various reasons which I will go into here. I am hoping this will be the most informative post on the thread so far as well as the most self-fulfilling for myself.
I feel it's actually going to tie in quite nicely with the thread title of Poker Player or Police Detective? Or as I like to call it Wizard life or Muggle life?
So its being around 7 months since the last post which was me returning Thailand after a trip in Vegas but I actually want to go back and discuss the reasons for not posting for some time.
Just a pre disclaimer. I may waffle on a little bit so if you manage to get to the end, I appreciate it and any bad grammar, can't be helped. It's 1am and I just wanted to write my thoughts and my journey and click send without numerous drafts! Hope you enjoy.
Back to the beginning
So a little bit of my journey whilst on the blog is that I was a 200z grinder that was staked to play both online and live. I decided to leave work on a career break in the April 2019. I had a trip in LA after a successful online stint at 100z. Following that, I had short trip in Macau before heading to Aussie for the Aussie Millions. The COVID hit. Firstly I am very grateful for my personal living experience through the pandemic. Although personally it turned out to be difficult for some other reasons which I will go into later, equally I am extremely grateful for being able to live in Thailand throughout the pandemic.
Unfortunately the pandemic meant live poker was no more for a while and it was an unknown when it would return. No problem though, 200z was going very well for me however whilst on stake still something wasn't quite clicking. Still to this day I am not quite sure what it was, well actually I know the baseline reason but not the true root I guess. The baseline was MENTAL GAME.
This is something which I think is slept on heavily by humans in life let alone the poker world. I think this is super crucial to becoming a professional poker player as you are exposed to stresses that aren't in everyday life. We are gambling, with sometimes thousands of dollars. So how do you teach a human brain how to deal with losing when they have done what they believe is good?
This concept was something that I personally found difficult to deal with and if there was any personal issues in my life going on at the time, I would definitely lash out in poker. I never realized how much this was hurting me until essentially I went broke.
I guess the question is now is, how does someone who is posting winning graphs go broke? I didn't actually have a big losing month online in what felt forever since I started playing cash in January 2019 but when it hits, it was a very new experience and it's very easy to go on a downward spiral where your confidence ends up being shattered. Unfortunately I decided to couple this new experience of down-swinging with moving up to what is easily one of the hardest stakes in the world.
500z.... At the time I was very comfortable and content with being a 200z grinder. It could give me a fantastic life where I could pretty much do whatever I wanted within reason and eventually when live poker opened, I would be as prepared as ever to play stakes that were 5x+ the size.
For whatever reason at the time, I forced myself to move up to a stake that I was no where near ready for and then add the 'blow ups' on top at that stake and it begins to become very expensive.
So I think it was between like August 2020 to January 2021 that I was sporadically shot taking 500z and every single time, I just wasn't good enough but the big thing that I think its crucial to realize is... That is okay. It is okay to not be good enough and it doesn't make you a failure and doesn't cap you. To be a 200z winner is still very difficult and something that you should be proud of. Moving on a few months after 500z not going well at all I returned back to mainland Thailand.
Unfortunately the next subject I am only going to touch on the 'what' very briefly but then I will talk about how it affected me in more detail.
I feel its important to give the whole picture of the update as to the question of the constant battle of Poker Player or Police Detective. So in the back end of 2020, I unfortunately took part in a game which we found out was scammed which essentially answers the question to how I went broke. It all happened extremely quickly and left me in considerable make up. Ironically, I actually wouldn't change this experience although at the time I found it very difficult to deal with and opportunities to learn became limited.
Living costs abroad was expensive and essentially I was making enough to survive and having lived a lifestyle whereby I didn't really consider what I was spending, changing that was somewhat difficult.
I had made a stupid naive mistake and due to that I was failing. Something which I feared more than anything. It was very hard to rationalize in my brain that I was failing due to a life mistake over skill. Yes that was my decision and I felt the affects of that mistake and I had no idea how to deal with it but the big thing is I didn't know how to solve the mess I had got myself into.
It actually quite apt that the title of the thread has actually now becomes quite a big subject in my life. I had battled with the idea of going back to work and asked myself numerous times, Is Poker worth it?
I had many sleepless nights wondering what the next path was for me personally. Motivation to play online was slipping and I was essentially grinding 90k hands a month to survive. This is not what I envisaged being a professional poker player to be. I found it most difficult because I knew without live poker, I was just going to be playing poker to survive which wasn't something that I wanted.... But I didn't want to give up because I knew I had ability and I did not want to accept failure under any circumstance.
I did have to accept that I had failed thought and although I didn't realize that at the time I knew deep down I was embarrassed by that concept. To the outside world and to those close to me at home think I live a fantastic life but I was actually going through the toughest journey in my life to date but how do I explain the why?
How do you explain you failed because of one poor decision, not because of skill. How do you explain this to the 'muggle world' without sounding like a complete degenerate gambler? I found this incredibly difficult so I just locked this idea away for a while but without dealing with this face one you will never make that step through the adversity.
I mean they say it comes in three's too because I think in the space of 6 weeks, I had got scammed, had pretty bad motorcycle accident where we was actually incredibly lucky and I had also spent a few days in hospital with bad sickness bug. All this going on and I am wondering if I am having mid life crisis and I should go back to being a Police Detective.
I am now sitting here though on the other side of that adversity and I still come across people new to poker who want to do it for a living. The first question I often ask is are you sure? Then I ask -
What do you think it takes?
There are so many people that think it takes studying, hard work and skill but what people really do forget is how to deal with the mental stresses of poker. They are real, they are tough and they are unique in that the people that are probably closest to you will never understand what you mean no matter how simple you try to explain it. It is such a unique profession which many people just see as a card game.
I was also incredible lucky that during the adversity that I had faced, I had a Performance Coach to help guide me through that adversity. Also he helped me answer the question to not what does it take to be a Pro Poker Player but also Why do I want to be one. Which is super important.
I have mentioned him on the blog before I am sure, Josh. There has been many a video call we have had where we have talked about my behaviors and how to re-frame certain things we do as humans and it is something that I am really passionate about now. I think this is super crucial if you ever want to take this seriously as a job.
Anyway, Vegas results from all the way back in February. Full 3 month stint.
I think it was mid Jan 2021 time where I found out I could fly there from Thailand which was fantastic. There was now this light at the end of the tunnel to start climbing out of it and make money. I was excited and buzzed. At the start of the trip, I mainly focused on 5/10 before eventually focusing on $10/20 with $20 big blind ante.
The games were really strange. It was masks, I believe it was 7-handed but it may well of been 8-handed and there was glass between every player and the dealer. It was a very strange experience but again I can only be grateful for being able to get to Vegas whilst my family and friends were enduring a lockdown.
I had managed to work some stuff out during the trip to where I would have my online action back to myself when I would return from America which was sick buzz. At the time I was still very much low on cash but I could see there was now a journey that I could go on and there was still opportunity for me to make some money whilst in Vegas to build an online roll. As well as this I had coaching gig with GPA which was decent as that was also a means of income which would help once I got back to Thailand and I also had some private students which I was coaching too.
So Vegas results. It was a successful trip in terms of results. All be it personally it was towards digging myself out of a hole it was good. It was mentally the toughest trip I had being on. Motivation was sometimes tough to get myself going but the test of playing in what is the biggest game I have played in was very enjoyable. Volume was still pretty decent and I believe end results post expenses was around $45k profit.
Post Vegas the plan was to go back to Thailand and grind online. I toyed with the idea with streaming and doing a bankroll challenge but I was absolute moron and decided to chase things whilst in quarantine and all this whilst trying to learn a new strategy. Plus not being rolled for it either! I just realized it wasn't right for me at that point to consider streaming but it is something I enjoy so would be open to doing it in the not too distant future.
It was incredibly stupid for me to play 200z and it comes down to me trying to rush the process. As well as that its very hard to move down stakes as its very hard to face the question of 'Why' from your peers... and lets be honest, poker players love to judge generally. So I think me being too aggressive with bankroll on return come down to a bit of embarrassment with my peers. No one really knew my circumstance at the time of Vegas so the whole concept of having a successful Vegas trip but not being personally rolled to play the stake I have played for 2 years was a difficult concept for me to grasp. So I was almost self-sabotaging myself by being too aggressive bankroll wise due to lets call it 'peer fear' hahaa.
I did try streaming like I say in Thailand but I didn't get the enjoyment out of it once I was out of quarantine so I actually decided to lock myself away and try to prepare for the next Vegas trip. As well as this I had a new backer now for the live scene who again is someone that helped me massively through the ups and downs of the past year and was also part of my study group as well so it made a lot of sense going forward.
During my time in Thailand, I would say I didn't play too much and when I did it was a bit all over the place. Trying to learn a new strategy and a new way of playing poker is somewhat difficult. In an online setting too where you get punished for any little mistake is tough. I play a lot higher in a live setting and you just don't get punished or it doesn't feel like I do. It is also way less intense that zoom games as well. At the time my goals were about personal growth, however they were driven by, which was a mistake. I was very short-sighted to the fact that I was learning new concepts and being open minded to those concepts will only help me in the future. The EV in this is huge and money isn't always something we should judge success by. Again something that is very hard in a money driven sector.
It's worth mentioning too, I was living in Phuket in Thailand which is truly stunning. It almost feels like the perfect place to live however due to it being closed with the pandemic so I can't wait to go back to experience it properly. The time zone for poker isn't fantastic but that's the only negative I would say.
My plan was always to leave Thailand the end of July time and go surprise the family in Spain when they was on a family holiday. I hadn't seen them in around 18 months due to the pandemic and there was many a times I would of gone home in normal circumstances due to personal issues back home. That wasn't to be though, so I was excited to get home. England decided to get the a final though and I couldn't forgive myself if we had won and I didn't watch it with my dad. So off I went with last minute flight and infinite COVID PCR tests that cost an arm and a leg. Not great for the bankroll building but it was something that was important to me so was a very easy decision in the end!
I made sure I was updating my socials on the plane with 'matchday breakies' so my family had no idea and the surprise was very wholesome. The different reactions of all my family was fantastic to see how each of them dealt with it in different ways. Sadly England lost though however, I was able to have a wonderful time with my family and then we have a fantastic two week break in Spain.
Right, I hope I haven't waffled to much as I we are now getting to the most recent Vegas trip which was for the WSOP 2021. Due to US restrictions we had to go via Mexico. It was decent enough but personally Mexico wasn't for me. I am very open to having my mind changed but I wasn't keen on PDC. Would happily try elsewhere though.
Then onto Vegas! A new chapter!
WSOP 2021
God you don't realize how determined I was to make this a successful trip. I don't think even I realized until now. I wanted to try so much to make sure I give myself the best opportunity to be successful. Like the pre-work routine consists of what I think are cold showers. Although my house-mates beg to differ because they have baltic showers. Meditation and a healthy breakie!
Half-way through when the swings were tough I even made an accountability matrix which was absolute game changer.
When I got there I went out and brought a bike with the aim to cycle in everyday which took like 20 minutes. It was perfect. It was so nice to not go from car to casino and then casino to car and actually get some fresh air. Football ruined that idea after I injured myself on the first day playing there. Pretty sigh but I then used it as an excuse to be lazy hence where the accountability diary come in.
So the trip was fantastic. It was a hell of a journey where I had massive winning sessions, big losing sessions whilst being in some of biggest games of my life and on top of that I deep MTT runs. It had it all as well as down-time. If I am brutally honest, I would say too much down-time this trip but its never going to be perfect and we can only learn for next time.
I believe I started with playing some $5/T at the Bellagio. I am able to get deposit box there which makes it nice and easy and I just stay grinding there for the most part. It wasn't long before I was in at $10/20 and within the first 10 days I had my biggest lifetime winning day of $16k and my biggest losing day of $10k I think. The games at the start of the series were very very good and I saw some insane pots at $20/40 that were like $40k and with some INSANE HANDS.
Like there was one spot where it goes like open UTG, cold call, 3b MP, cold call BTN, UTG 4b, MP now jams like $8k.... hope your following me! BTN works out that UTG can't re-jam so cold calls again and UTG calls too. Flop is like 977r and UTG is all in blind. No prizes to guessing his hand?
BTN says 'can't fold now there is too much in there' baring in mind the jam is like $10k into $21k.
Board runs out like 4x turn and then 7x river.
UTG has AA
MP (who we have all now forgotten about) has KK
BTN has 44 for the absolute TROLL TURN!!
Yeah some sick sick poker! Was insane fun but with fun comes variance.
Trip is going fantastic anyway and I am up like $20k like 3 weeks in when I decide to play the WSOP $1500 6-max. Unreal experience and very grateful for it. I made the money on Day 1 and then span an insane stack on Day 2. I come back with like 230,000 which was 23bb in hour clock structure and within 2 hours I had like 2.9m.
Was just insane. I never forget like half-way through Day 2, I got my journal out on break and I just took a moment to just appreciate the moment. Like I play one tournament and there is like 30 odd people left and this really helped ground me. If you had told 2019 me that I was gonna journal in public, I would of laughed at it, yet here I am in the Rio writing about how not to be entitled and just enjoy it.
I am not even going to describe this as unfortunate because I felt amazing despite busting 10th place. It was just shy of making Day 3 by like 4 hands which would of been televised but it was an insane experience and was for a profit of around $20k.
Decent.. $40k profit and within a few days I was out of the make up due to a cash in the $5k WSOP 6-max event. MTTs are easy right? Hahaha
I made my first legitimate chop in over a year. Wow. Insane, the emotions that went through me in that moment was pretty indescribable. I had contemplated giving up and going back to being a 'muggle' so many times that even now I can't put it into words the feeling of overcoming that adversity.
But... remember this is poker! It is never easy is it? Bang next day... lose $14k and biggest losing day to date. Like the timing of this is insane. It is like a constant test but I was honestly less bothered about it this time. It was like I had finally accepted it is just a process. It is just one of those things where I played the biggest game I had played in with a VIP and ran bad. It happens. The main frustration was that it happened in a bigger game which isn't a given to run all the time so it takes longer to grind back. That is massive issue with playing sporadic bigger games.
I spend the next 10-14 days grinding out of it. At like day 7, I was back out the hole and then bang back in it and at end of that two weeks. All due to a bigger game which leads me onto Life EV vs Poker EV?
So when I see these sporadic bigger games and I play in them, they are huge EV right but are they still the right decision for me at the time? I would say the previous experience of getting scammed come from greed in my opinion. Poker players see it as plus EV and sometimes get blinded by that and don't see the possible negative effects it can have on your personal life... which I call Life EV. It is massively underrated term and I strongly advise anyone to consider the Life EV of a decision and don't just see Poker EV.
Following losing in this bigger game again, I could see I was being greedy. In some circumstances this is perfectly fine to be more aggressive but I journal everyday and I told myself in the journal that I didn't want to do say 'x, y or z', yet I am still making those mistakes. So I decided to draw a line under it and I stopped playing bigger games where the $80 straddle was on. I remember being sat with my mate at food and I was just so frustrated with the swings. I look back now and I sounded so entitled with the way I would describe the down-swings in the bigger games.
Next up on the Vegas adventure was the WSOP $10K Main Event. I have played it once before and it was a sick buzz and we have joke between my friends because I always cash main events. I had toyed whether it was worth playing it with cash games being available and also now being back in $20k hole. I decided to play it with selling some action but unfortunately I didn't cash. I made Day 2 with like 40k which was healthy enough but lost a flip on what was a dream Day 2 table but it wasn't to be.
I wished my pals good luck and headed straight to the Bellagio and got myself in the $10/20/40 game. Ran incredibly well and won $14,500 which was sick. The swings up until now was insane but I think I went onto play some of the best poker I have played in the latter part of the trip. It is very easy to be blinded by run good though and I am well aware I ran very well but I just had really good feel for a lot of spots and had a lot of confidence which is super important when it comes to poker.
Like I remember running a bluff in a $10/20/40 game in like $15k whilst I was standing up. I just happened to get up at the start of hand to stretch and got dealt a good hand and then had a good bluff hand. Sadly you always know you've picked the wrong person to bluff when the moment you bet they say 'What can you have?'
I'm like ohhh godddd.. this isn't working. And it didn't haha! The concept of being so calm during this bluff whilst standing was really cool though.
Was super confident though and even though I lost like 10 days of poker due to catching COVID, the last 19 playing days I went on like a $60k heater. It felt pretty amazing and it was capped off by an insane $5/T session at the end of the trip where I just won every pot for 8 hours for a huge $12k winning day at $5/T.
I still had like few weeks left on trip but sadly with the pandemic things were changing for returning home so I decided to cut the trip short by 9/10 days and call it a day for this Vegas adventure.
It was an honestly fantastic trip with some fantastic people. I lived with a really cool bunch of people which made it even more enjoyable and was able to meet some new friends there and not only just play poker with them, also experience a bit of Vegas too. The games at times were some of the toughest games I have played and at times it contained just 500z regs and higher but it was a fantastic learning experience.
End result for this Vegas trip was +$99,200 which is sick. I am very grateful for the position I am now in and very grateful for the experience of the last 18 months.
To answer the question, it is most definitely Poker Player over Police Detective and I am excited for what 2022 brings. For now the plan is to study with my group of friends and continue to grow personally before heading back to America in the New Year sometime.
I will 100% try and post more updates on here but I am not sure how much it will be results based week by week but more of a generic life experience blog which will always be surrounded by poker.
Like I said at the start, I have just typed this up and clicked send! So I apologize for any waffling and bad grammar. Fire away if you have any questions but if not...
Merry Christmas and hope you all have a fantastic New Year!
