Hey everyone, long time 2+2 lurker here.

Well i guess the title of this thread pretty much sums up what i am going through at the moment. I lost my father from a sudden massive heart attack two weeks ago.

I cant describe what i felt at that time and what im still going through as im still trying to process everything. For some reason i have a hard time crying and letting it go but as i type this, tears are flowing and i guess im finding some kind of comfort sharing my experience here.

My parents divorced when i was 3 and i grew up spending a week at one place and the other week at the other place. Since 2004 (when i was 16) me and my father got into an argument and we stopped speaking to each others until i was 23.

In 2010, ive decided to travel (at that time it was only for travel but ive decided to actually live here as i prefered almost everything here compared to where im from) to South Asia to join some friends in a poker house and get coaching. Before i do so, i called my father and tried to fix things between us which went well.

Since 2010 we had arguments at time and never really been able to reclaim the same kind of relationship that we had. I dont want to put words in his mouth as i am not 100% sure of what he thought but from what ive heard, he wouldve prefered if i stayed back home in Canada instead of moving here.

In 2015, i had a motorcycle accident which led me to the hospital in coma and my heart stopped. Luckily, they injected adrenaline (i dont know how they call that in medical language) and my blood pressure cameback. I had to stay there for almost two weeks and never had a single call from him. I have to say that it deeply affected me because if there was a time where i needed to hear from him, it was at that time. I didnt care if he never called me for any of my birthday or anything but at that time, when i was in a situation where i couldve died, i definitely wouldve liked to hear from him and its something that i, admittedly, never been able to forgive him :\

6 hours before he actually passed away, i went out for the birthday of a friend and was quite tipsy. Ive had a conversation with my mother on the phone (i spoke almost daily with her) and i dont remember why but i told her that if something happen to my father, i dont know if i would be there as he was never really there for me when i needed him the most. I told her that i didnt care much about him. (This was at midnight here so around 1:00 pm back home).

Well, at 6:45 am my phone kept ringing which woke me up. Usually my mother never really reach out to me unless i contact her first. The last time she did that was when my uncle died years ago. Then her first words were:

I dont know how to tell you that.

Even though i knew it was certaintly something negative, i asked her if it was positive or negative to which she said negative while her voice was trembling. I know back home we have a cat (14yrs) and a german shepherd (10yrs) so at first i thought one of them passed away. So i asked her if it was the dog or the cat. And she said its way more than that. Thats when i knew something was wrong.

She was stumbling her words and kept saying i dont know how to say it. So i just told her to be direct and tell me since she would have to tell me regardless. She then said that my father just passed away. I told her i would be calling her bacck and i just hung up, confused, screaming hitting the wall and cried for a few minutes. Then i picked myself up and called her back. Everything happened so fast. Since i didnt cry at all and for the most part been relatively ok the next few days, i had this fear of what if his death doesnt affect me that much? What would that make me? I had this fear of not caring. But as days goes by, his death affect me more and more. I am barely able to sleep and the whole thing feel weird.

Even though we had our differences, i always relied on the thought that we would have the chance one day to see each others and have a beer together and fix our issues face to face. I will never be able to do that. This is the most heartbreaking thing that i struggle with out of everything.

I wanted to go back to Canada for the funeral but my family told me that my father didnt want something big. He hated to be the center of the attention (were the same about that) and that there would be only a 2 hours ceremony. Since it wouldve costed me almost 6k to go there and comeback for a 2 hours and after talking with my family, i thought it would be better to just stay here and instead go to the temple and pray for him.

Anyway, sorry if this was a bit long but that pretty much sums it all up. I am heartbroken but i know this experience will make me a better human being overall and definitely will help me to stop procrastinate and chase my dreams at a faster rate.

Lets talk poker now and my background:

I am 30 years old and been playing poker for a living from 2013 until early 2016. Ive played over 700,000 hands online most of them being HU NL50-200. While i had great success in that format (10bb/100 EV) ive never been able to keep that same winrate to 6max. Actually ive always been a losing player in 6max. Ill post all my stats here when i have the chance.

In 2016, even though i loved the game, ive decided to take a hiatus from poker after health issue. For those who might be able to relate, ive started having heart arhytmia (heart skips, high blood pressure) which was related to my lifestyle (stress, nutrition, etc). I kept on playing mtts at time but stopped playing for a living and found other things.

At the moment i have my own social media agency and doing well with it but i want to get back into poker especially since im doing better health wise and did all my tests related to my health.

So actually my finance look like this:

- Around 5k a month from my SMA (which is never really the same as we gain new client every month).

- 35-40k in my bank account (i plan to invest around 20-25k for poker related stuff and keep the rest safe somewhere in case of emergency)

- Will eventually receive inheritance money (around 50-60k) but right now im not really thinking about that.

So heres my plan:

- I want to hire 2 mentors (not short term coachs but rather middle/long term people) to help me with my game (for MTTs preferable someone with experience with tournaments in the range between 5$ - 100$ only. As for cash game, someone around NL100-500$). One would be for MTT the other one for 6max/zoom. Not only am i looking for someone to help me pokerwise but also more like a friend with who we can also talk about life stuffs and things like that. I am a work horse and put alot of hours in what i love and i am looking forward to work with someone that can do the same. So if you have any suggestions or know someone, please reply here or let me know in DM.

- As far as my budget goes for mentorship, i rather talk about that in private but i would preferably like a monthly deal instead of a hourly rate.

- As for the limits that i will be playing, im planning on starting at NL25 for zoom as i am aware that ive never been able to win in 6max so i rather start slowly and take things from there. And for mtts, ill play anything ev+ between 5$ - 100$.

I will post all my statistics here along with my results and everything else. I might also plan to do a Youtube vlog series but i am still unsure about that yet.

I wont be starting right now as i still need to get through the grieving period but i expect to start next month or early December. As of now i only play low stakes and spend my times learning (i got a membership for RIO & Upswing poker labs).

Anyway that is all. Im looking forward to meet new people here and share poker/life experience with you all!

Ill post my lifetime graphs & results in the next few days.

Cheers!

POKERSTARS HU STATS

POKERSTARS HU GRAPH

POKERSTARS HU SNG STATS

POKERSTARS HU SNG GRAPH

I am actually looking for a coach/mentor for both Zoom 6max game (must be a winning player at z100$+) & MTT (10-200$ BI). I am not interested in short term (hourly rate) coaching but more something middle/long term. If theres anyone interested or if you know someone, please reply here and leave me your email as i cant receive pm yet since i havent posted enough. Or you can directly email me at lerobshow@gmail.com