Its a long story but I'll try to summarize as best I can...

I'm at a major poker crossroads in my poker/life journey. I'm 32 years old and have played poker since I was about 15.

At age 15 I read all the books, magazines, and forums and improved quickly. I've always been the best player in our local home games. In the casino I grind out about $30/hour at 1-3 and $40-ish at 2-5.

My leak has been my addictions...I became addicted to adderall when I was 20. Short term this sent my poker results to the moon. But in my mid 20's this addiction started spiraling out of control. It made me a worse player and it made a compulsive gambler while at the casino. It also caused me to play marathon sessions to the point I was awake for 40+ hours and delirious.

I finally hit rock bottom about 2 years ago. My wife gave me the ultimatum to give up adderall, alcohol, and gambling or she was going to leave me. I knew the adderall addiction was not sustainable and I also knew I'd be healthier and happier without boos but I've never thought poker was the problem...Its always been my passion and deep down I still have the dream to play full time.

I still haven't had adderall since that rock bottom day almost 2 years ago. I still go to NA meetings fully believe I'll never touch that **** again.

So in April of last year, my wife gave me an opportunity to pursue poker again. I played 6 or 8 sessions and was up $4k but then I relapsed on alcohol, (not at the poker table). I drink several times behind my wifes back and I went into a dark depression again. I ended up telling my wife the truth and she thought it was all tied to poker and wanted me to give it all up again.

So fast forward to today, I've had no adderall for almost 2 years, I haven't had boos for about 7 months, and haven't played poker for about the same 7 months... I feel sharper than ever, I've lost about 50lbs, hit the gym daily, I meditate, I eat clean, I feel fully recovered mentally from the adderall addiction so naturally I'm ready to grind poker again. I've told my therapist I want to play again and of course she thinks this is just a relapse and doesn't believe I should pursue it.... its not a relapse, I've never not wanted to play poker... but its not a compulsive like I'm always fighting the urge, its more like, I just know I want play again eventually.

So my question is do I suppress this forever? I want kids with this woman and she makes me extremely happy but I don't want to give up on a dream because another person made that decision for me. I'm fine with failing but I hate quitting on a dream that I legitimately believe I can make come true.

I think you should just make really clear schedules on when you play, how long you play and in what mental conditions you play. You should also communicate this cleary with your wife. Drink and eat before you go the casino, that way you don't feel the need to drink anyting like alcohol at the table. Pack some lunch or a bottle of water to take to you to the casino if this is allowed. Also don't be afraid to take a day off when you start feeling uncomfortable or irrational at the table. Poker is a marathon, not a sprint. Second of all take the money that you earn from poker and put in a glass jar or something so that you can look at and see the value of money. Third of all, keep a record of the results, in-game focus and the length of all your sessions, so that you can't lie to yourself about your hourly and your mental state during the game. Fourth of all, if you feel like doing anything stupid like gambling or drinking, just make plans for tommorow for better fun activities and take your wife out for a dinner or a movie or whatever or start making plans for vacation. Fifth of all, show to yourself and to your wife, that poker is not a compulsive thing for you and that you can easily quit for 1 or 2 weeks if needs be. If she says she doesn't get enough attention, you should easily be able to take off from poker for 1-2 weeks and just focus on her needs/wants. Your wife should always be on number one, way ahead of poker. Sixth of all, stick to the afore-agreed session length with you wife and don't start chasing losses or other stupid stuff (drinking/gambling). Seventh of all, construct short and long-term goals of what you wanna use the money for and where you wanna invest in (e.g. college funds for your future kids, vacation money, renovation money for your house, passive income investments like stock index funds). Write these goals out and put them on a paper in your study room and hang them on the wall, above your poker money jar. This way you can't skip on these goals or change them halfway in and you're reminded of them everyday, just in case your body wakes up one day with the desire for alcohol or any other destructive need, when that happens you can just think and focus on that piece of paper and how important it is for yor future personal groth. Eight of all, always be honest to yourself about your mental state of mind(e.g. if you don't feel like playing because you're tired or had a fight with your wife, don't play).

Appreciate the reply Demagnet1zer

I guess I should have clarified, my biggest concern is having this conversation with my wife yet again. As far as session time limits and scheduling and avoiding pitfalls, I feel super confident. I'm just scared to have this talk with my wife about playing again. We've been so solid lately and I know in her mind she thinks poker is a dark place for me and she has reason to feel this way but I know in my heart that I'm a different stronger man than in the past. I feel like I had to go through those addictions and dark times for me to be prepared for success but I'm not so sure she'll see it that way. But suppressing it is just as scary to me. I don't want to be on my deathbed wondering if I could have found success if I gave it one last go.

bump

To me, it is an easy choice : relationships demand concessions and poker seems to be the sacrifice needed. Going behind your wife's back sounds unfeasible, if honesty means anything to you, so I would suggest to give up on poker (fun game, and 30-40$/h is a good side income and all, but not worth the hassle of potentially compromising the most important relationship in your life...). Perhaps you can gun for that conversation again, but by negotiating for 1 session (and perhaps 2 eventually...), but not as a full time gig. You have a history of falling off the wagon when exposed to the pitfalls found in casinos.

GL

Thanks Dubnjoy000

100% agree that going behind my wifes back is not an option. I lied to everyone when I was abusing drugs and alcohol but now that I'm sober I've got zero secrets and the freedom of being honest is a beautiful thing.

I also agree that mentioning it as a full time gig is not the way to go. I don't want to up and quit my 9-5 and chase a dream without any proven record of being able to stay focused and sober.

I guess I just want the opportunity to play occasionally and track results and use it as a supplemental income. Then if it ever makes sense to make the full time leap, then so be it.

I guess whats driving me crazy right now is that my wife and I are so solid and happy right now that I'm scared to have the conversation.

I understand that my marriage is the top priority but I also don't believe in giving up on something you love. I've failed a few times at this but I believe in redemption stories.

Hey man, you convinced me, now gl with your wife

On a serious tone, I have my heavy past with addictions as well and still play poker professionally. But how are you going to convince your wife that you will deliberately surround yourself by an atmosphere containing booze, drugs and house games without indulging in any.... And are you being sincere to yourself when you think you can... And if poker is what you really miss, why not start off online, where these said temptations have no place, and take it from there...

I don't believe in giving up on something you love. I also believe in redemption stories. You are obviously passionate about poker, and I don't think it's something you can give up for the rest of your life, given that fact.

I would carefully broach the topic with your wife, let her know that you're aware of her concerns given your past, but that you are a changed man.

GL

Thanks again guys.

I'm being 100% sincere when I say I believe I'm done with using. I go to NA meetings weekly and have became more addicted to self improvement than anything. I'm reading more books, exercising, meditating, eating clean, learning new hobbies i.e. archery.

My wife just has the fear of poker unleashing all my addictions again. But I can tell I'm a changed man. Since practicing meditation I don't even have that old "itch" to play poker....its more like a calm knowing that I want to play and that it could one day be the answer to having the freedom of my time.

Since the day I graduated high school I knew I never wanted to do a 9-5 soul suck and right now thats what I'm settling for.

1) Tell your wife you love her and appreciate how she has stuck by you and helped you through your battles.

2) Then tell her that you would really like to give poker one more chance and would regret it if you didn't.

3) Reassure her that you're a changed man now with all the evidence (sobriety, lost weight, meditation, all that stuff).

4) Tell her you want her help to make it work by helping you set rules and holding you accountable if you break the rules. Draw up a contract that says you will quit poker for good if you break any of the rules, or else she will file for divorce.

5) Develop a plan that will help you ease into it. For example, for the first month you will play no more than x hours in a session and no more than y hours in a week. If you veer from the plan, see 4 above.

Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk

Why exactly do you want to play poker? If it's only because you love the strategic/competitive aspect of it you can find that in plenty of online games, if it's about the money there are some opportunities that are a lot more profitable.

I think you can have the discussion with your wife about it but if she still feels strongly uneasy about it you might want to put this idea of playing poker off, at least for a while.

Great stuff Darth_Maul those are definitely the steps I would need to take. Just not sure when I'll pull the trigger to initiate this conversation. I'm curious what her initial reaction will be this time around. Obviously she'll be fearful of the stability of our relationship but I think she can see that I'm literally a different human now.

Xenoblade - The strategic/ competitive aspect of poker is definitely a huge part of my passion. Most of my hobbies are competitive things; golf, archery, disc golf but I've only ever felt elite at poker (not as in like I'm the greatest, just as in like I'm typically one of the top 2 or 3 players in the 1-3 or 2-5 game I'm playing in) I love the psychology of poker. Being able to read players is my favorite part of the game.

The other attraction I have to poker is that I've always wanted the freedom of my time/schedule. I'm so against doing things the "normal" way. The idea of a 9-5 makes me want to vomit yet I type this message while in my work office at my 9-5.

"If" poker was ever my full time gig, I dream of being able to go on mid day hikes, have a several hour gym session if I feel like it, go kayaking, take care of my eventual kid(s) and run them to day care, visit parents, etc I feel like my soul suck job takes the best hours of the day from me. EVERY. SINGLE. WEEKDAY.

Poker may grant that if you are a crusher, but to be honest crypto probably has more chance of giving you that on the long run. You're still going to have to tough it up for now (your job I mean)

Yeah, I definitely have to tough it out for now. Any impulse decision to up and quit my job would be insanity and spell disaster for my marriage.

I don't know if I'd call myself a crusher but I firmly believe I could surpass my hourly rate that I make at my office job which is approximately $20 bucks an hour.

I've got a few hundred bucks in crypto, just the major 3 available on coinbase; ETH, BTC, and LTC but I don't have near the knowledge needed to even fathom making a living in crypto trading

You said you made 30-40$/h playing poker, right? How big is your simple size? What stakes was it? And do you have much of a poker bankroll to get started?

Most of my data is from playing live 1-3 where the buy-in is $100-$500. I've dabbled in 2-5nl but I'm much more comfortable with the stakes at 1-3 and the opponents. Over several hundred hours logged I averaged $30/h. I do believe if I played more often and built a roll, I'd quickly be comfortable moving up.

I don't have a huge bankroll to get started but I've got around 2-3k and my wife and I have no bills besides our mortgage. Its kind of ironic that I'm a gambler because we actually live the Dave Ramsey way. Not sure if you know him but hes a financial guru that really makes it simple to thrive financially. We've paid off all our non mortgage debt, credit cards, car payments and college tuition in the last 2.5 years

It seems to me you have your shyt together. If you could just sit down and rationalize with your wife about just playing 1 session a week and slowly prove to her you can surround yourself with vices and remain clean...